Stranded on an island.

On Sunday, Jared and JD introduced me to the idea of going over to Taiwan for 6 months starting this Summer to teach English. Ooooh, I got excited over the idea. A new experience, a new country, a break from school: count me in!

When I ran the idea by Matthew, he said that I should teach English in Beijing instead. Why didn't I think of that?! He's going to be there on an internship this Summer.

So, for the past couple of days, I have been ruminating over the idea, idly making plans and thinking of how I could make it work. I thought, see an intership counsellor, find someone who needs my skills in Beijing, the school would help me to get setup and I'd be all set. Maybe even make some money before coming back to school.

I went in to see Career services today and came back extremely discouraged. Academic interships are for juniors and seniors (I think I might be one credit shy of being a junior at the end of this semester). It has to be major related, so I can't just go off teaching English. I'm a psych major with a minor in (what was I thinking?) Music. I now want to get a teaching certification from school and even thought about minoring in linguistics. Not sure I have time for that. Because of the scholarship I am on, they need me to stay here to work in the summer full time. In order for me to escape that, I need my academic advisor AND the department head for psychology to certify that this scholarship fits in my academic career plan thing.

I haven't given up on the idea completely. I still plan to see my academic advisor tomorrow and run the idea by her, but on the whole, I have begun to let go of Beijing. Most internships are unpaid anyway. My scholarship might offer to pay for the airfare if I'm returning to my home country for an internship. China isn't home, but it is in my home region. They might like the idea. Promotes "returnability". Who knows.

Either way though, I can't afford to work for free. One of the many reasons I liked the idea of teaching in Taiwan so much was that I would come back with at least a couple of thousand dollars. US. Money is good.

I could try taking a real break and dropping my scholarship for a little bit and then reapplying. People do that for missions and such. Might be too much hassle and I'm not sure that's what I need to be doing. Maybe I just need to finish school ASAP and worry about my little adventures later.

Where I was generally content with where I was before, all of a sudden I'm restless and I feel claustrophobic. Like I need to get out. I love school, but I feel like I'm not taking full advantage of it right now and a break will do me some good. Put things back into perspective for me.

I don't know. I feel like I'm driven by the wrong motivation. People go on internships because they want the job experience. I would LOVE major-related real-world experiences. But that's not my main purpose. The girl I talked to first said that lots of people go home for their internships and it's a perfect scenario because they're back with their family and networking in the area they will be returning to after college. I left feeling quite guilty that I didn't want to return home at all. I miss my family but I've already had the experience of home. I want more now. Taiwan, China, Tonga. Some place new.

But who am I trying to kid? If I go to Beijing and my stay there overlaps with Matt's by 2 months, will I still enjoy myself after he leaves and I need to stay?

I don't know why I am suddenly feeling this sense of urgency. I need to get out of here. I have to be closer to him. Now. I can't wait for 2 years till I graduate!

It's terrible. I feel the danger of foolishly constructing my life around one person. There are other priorities. School. Education. Career.

There is a serious and very scary sense of deja vu here. Exactly 2 years ago, maybe just a coupla months before that, I was looking into internships to go to DC because that's where my boyfriend was. Of course, then I was only a freshman and DC is a lot more expensive than China. And you have to PAY to be on those internships. I gave up pretty quick. But I feel like I'm repeating history and that scares me. This relationship is not like the other one was.

Ah. I hope this is one of those heat-of-the-moment things that will quickly pass.

On a good note, Lifehouse finally released their self-titled album and some songs have been made available on wonderful file-sharing Warez.

On an even better note, Introspectre wrote me today and among other things, sent me a picture of her engagement ring - on her finger. I was so happy for her I cried.

Dreams do come true.