Monday, April 04, 2005

For my soul hungered.

It's been a wonderful weekend, spent mostly feasting upon the word of the prophets. I didn't ever think that I would enjoy conference so much. My biggest concern when trying to bring friends to church when I was younger was that they would be bored. I couldn't understand why missionaries would bring investigators to video conference (we would watch one session of conference on video 2 months afterwards on a special Sunday we call "Video Confernce"). I thought it would bore them to death.

I was not bored this weekend. I made the mistake of laying in bed during a couple of sessions and missed out on some messages. This time, instead of just going "Oh well", I went back to watch those sessions from the church website.

Someone shared a precious piece of insight with us a couple of Fast and Testimony Sundays ago that has changed my life. He told us of the counsel that a mission president gave him: to approach any meeting in which a general authority speaks with questions. He said that if you go seeking answers, that you will always find them, no matter what the talks are about. Because if you are in tune, you will be open to the spirit speaking to you.

Boy do I have questions. I was starved for insight. I listened to the words and feasted upon them, because I went hungry.

I felt like the people of the Book of Mormon. Pitching their tents with their door facing the tower to listen to the words of King Benjamin. It feels good to have spent 2 whole days devoting my time to my religion. Even though there were sharp admonitions in some of the talks reminding me that I need to shape up, and leaving me feeling far less than holy, it feels good to have my life defined by my faith.

That's how life should be. I came to the realization today that I miss that feeling because I have spent the last while living in a place surrounded by religion that it has become easy to take it for granted.

In Malaysia, it was easy to define myself as a member of the church. We were so few in numbers that we were reminded every day that we were a peculiar people. Living my religion was a conscious choice. I chose to separate myself from the world. I thrive in my uniqueness. I didn't care to be cool. Everyone liked the Backstreet Boys, I liked ABBA. I liked that I wasn't like anyone else. It was a missionary opportunity to turn down betting on a soccer game, or a trip to Starbucks to "avoid the appearance of evil". I liked being Molly Mormon.

Living in a Mormon-majority community has its benefits. I've always wanted to be surrounded by my religion. To not have my beliefs challenge. To have such a simple common understanding about the most fundamental things in life. Yet, I realize today that I have ceased to define myself as a member of the church. Moving from a collectivist culture to an individualistic environment, I no longer associate my identity with this organization. Or I hadn't done that a lot, at least. Until this weekend, when I watched conference. And I remembered that I belong here, in what I know is the true church.

In my life, now, I need to make a conscious decision to live my religion. To choose to separate myself from the world. Even when surrounded by members, I can rise above mediocrity, instead of rebelling against Mormon culture, and fighting to be the liberal, unconservative, COOL LDS person. I should stop trying to befriend the world, but befriend instead, the Lord.

I think that in life, everyone has 2 conflicting desires. 1) To belong 2) To be different. The trick is deciding to belong to the right crowd and separating myself from the worldliness. I can be different from the rest of the world (the majority), while being the same as the people who are doing the right thing. And it may seem the "boring" thing to do. But if I can find myself interested in listening to 8 hours of talk on relgiion without being bored, I'm sure that if my heart is in the right place that I will find character and individuality in being your stereotypical righteous person.

So did I find answers? Not all yet. But I think today has started me on the path in which to obtain the answers I am seeking. I went to conference expecting to hear something that was meant for me. I found more than I was bargaining for.

Now the hardest part of all this is allowing all the wisdom I have heard today to change my life. Religion does no good if all it offers is insight.

I want to be like the Nephites in the book of Mosiah, after listening to the words of King Benjamin, crying out in one voice, saying:

"Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually...

"And we are willing to enter into a covenant with our God to do his will, and to be obedient to his commandments in all things that he shall command us, all the remainder of our days, that we may not bring upon ourselves a never-ending torment, as has been spoken by the angel, that we may not drink out of the cup of the wrath of God."

I hope that my tent is pitched towards the prophets and not Sodom.