Homeless.

I move out of my room tomorrow and I really should be packing or something. Instead, I'm on my computer because after tomorrow, I will be net-less on this computer for at least 5 days. FIVE DAYS!!!

I can see it now. Me ready to pull my hair out, feeling claustrophobic, pacing my room, sitting down at my computer trying to do something, recapping my frustration on the lack of internet. Blah.

I've been in this room for a year now. This is the longest I've lived in a room here in the dorms and I've gotten quite settled. I love the view I have from here. I am actually looking forward to the change though, especially since Jolley moved out and Lina (my new temp Samoan roommate) moved in. Lina is a very nice girl and potentially a roommate I could learn to love but the change is like a new drug in my system that my body is trying to purge. It's not bad, it's just different. I got so used to having a really good friend for a roommate, someone to come home to almost, a phone to myself... now that things are different on the other side of the room, the feeling of home has been lost. Kind of sad. I'm ready to move out now, I have little connection left to this room except for the view and the still-functioning internet. I think my roommate in the new room will be Samoan as well. It will be a new experience for me and I will learn to love her, and the room. I know that much.

In the meantime, there is plenty of adjusting. Yesterday was kind of a scary day for me when I had no access to a phone (I need to get used to this phone sharing thing) and couldn't get a hold of anyone. I only managed to find Vasu in his room, but he was headed somewhere else, although he was kind enough to try calling people for me. He was also unsuccessful. Not that many people have left for home... where was everyone?! What would I do without friends?! I had a flashback of Spring '03, worst semester of my life. Big breakup, everyone left for home, no friends. It's not going to be like that this time around, but it sure felt like it yesterday night. It was terrifying.

Thankfully, it was short lived. Phew! Spring will be fine. I hope I get out of here in the Summer though, staying here won't be fun.

So as I hit this period of transitioning from one dorm to another, I feel somewhat adrift. Homeless, almost. Reminds me of my favorite quote from Garden State:

You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone... You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

I wonder where or what home is for me now. I think I look to the home in my future, the one I imagine sharing with Matthew. Right now, home is a phonecall from New York. All I can really do right now is hope for more.

So my relationship with Matthew is continuously deepening. It gets harder and harder to be so far away everyday. *sigh*

Why is moving so scary to me? Aren't I the girl who wants to live all over the world in different countries for only a few years at a time? I can't afford to have such attachments to places. I remember Spring of 03. It took me so long to decide to move to the other side of the room. It was as if my life's happiness depended on whether or not I liked the other side of the room better. No big deal. Just another dorm room. I know I will love it and soon enough, not want to move out of there. I adapt easily. It will be Ok. It's a good thing I don't really have a choice in the matter because I would probably have never chosen to leave this room. Change is good. I'm looking forward to a fresh start. I'm excited. New room, new life, new Faye. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to move. I make too much of an event out of this.

Ok, now I'm just trying to stretch out this blog so I can use my internet as much as possible before I move to an unconnected room.

For those who need to call me, I believe the last 3 digits of my phone number will change from 399 to 009. I'll let you know for sure when I move in. And if you can't get me in the room, you will probably find me in the computer lounge.