Pretending

By Fei for Mark

My chest tightens.
Pain from my stomach
pushes upward
as the emotions I fight to
hold back
form a lump in my throat.

But
I will not cry.

Take a deep breath.

I smile.
“Hi!”

He smiles back.
It shows.

I am not the only one
who wishes I could just
break
and confess just
how much
we have missed each other.

He’s so beautiful when he’s in pain.
If I could just…

My jaw trembles now
but
- take a deep breath -
I will not cry.

We talk, we laugh.
Why do we keep reminding ourselves
of what we are missing?
Why are we doing this again?

Our time is up.
I’m sorry I can no longer devote my day
to you.
Just you.

“Talk to you later.”
Not right after dinner,
not as soon as I can.
Maybe tomorrow?
Maybe not.

I long to plead
Stay with me!
But I have to let you go.
We have to let each other go.
Shouldn't we have done that by now?

My heart aches so terribly.
Oh how it hurts.

But
I will not cry.
I cannot.
I must not.

Take a deep breath.

I will hold back.
I have to
till you leave
knowing that you take me
in your thoughts
- that you love me
in your heart.
Always longing
to hear you say it
just once more.

But
I will be strong.
You will resist
and I will wait.

Take a deep breath
Draw strength from the air.

I will wait for the time
when I can play
pretend
again
and smile for you.

Take a deep breath.
Not enough?
Take two.

Someday,
I will need to pretend
no more.

But for tonight,
let me feel lonely
and cry.