Divorce Counselling

That's what my parents need.

I have given up all hope of this ever working out. Mom is already out of his life, Dad tells her. Of course. She already has been for years now.

Out of the blue, Dad just decided to come home this weekend. Now he's moving things out of the house to his new place. Mom feels violated and rightly so. What are we left with? A house that doesn't even belong to Dad? Stuff that belongs to him that he can decide to take away any time he wishes?
It's not about the material things or money, like Dad accuses Mom of being after. It's just that we can't figure out where we stand in his life and where he stands in ours. We are at his mercy. The lines and boundaries haven't been set. To Dad, this is still his house. To Mom, we're learning to build a life without him, but he isn't letting us. He has his privacy, but we have none.

Parents are now upstairs arguing.

Mom is getting emotional again. *sigh* Dad feeds off people's weaknesses. It's his weapon. As long as mom is angry, he has the advantage.

In some ways, there is a tug of war going between my parents, and I am the rope. Not with custody. That will never be an issue. Dad has never been around enough for the kids. I think he wouldn't want to be too tied down either. I'm already 19 anyway.

What they seem to be tugging at are my feelings. Subconciously, they are trying to win me over to their side. Mom has the tendency to do that. Of course, she needs emotional support and I am willing to give as much as I can to her. At the same time, I don't want to have to comletely be against Dad because regardless, I still love him very much.

I don't know why Dad wants me on his side but he will tell me about how Mom is always trying to accuse him and how I should never be like that etc.

Please don't make me choose sides.

I have grown so close to Mom. We had a good talk last night and it was nice to talk about how we both felt. I wish Dad would have listened in on all our conversations. He doesn't bring out the best in Mom (he doesn't want to) and he gets a completely different side of her so much so that she is never able to express herself around him. If he could just see the strength she has and how much she wants to do the right thing.

I also wish I could know what was going on in Dad's mind. That way, I could really know what to think, and not assume things. Really, I just want to have something positive to think about Dad.

Mom is trying hard to talk to Dad, but Dad doesn't want anymore nagging. I see it from Dad's point of view, too. She keeps bringing up the other woman (women) and problems that have contributed to this whole ordeal. But see, that's the exact reason why Dad decided to end the marriage, to escape having to deal with all of that. To end all the arguing. However, I understand Mom's need for closure. Mom wants something from Dad that he just can't/won't give. I'm not sure what it is. I think it's either a confession or an apology.

Mom still loves Dad so very much. I wonder when Dad stopped loving her.

There will always be finger-pointing, accusing and blaming from now on, no matter how far down in the future, someone, if not us, will hold one or the other responsible for the separation. And both are desperately trying to shed the blame.

I don't wish for my parents to get back together anymore. It gets more and more impossible everyday. I just want them to put the marriage behind them and move on. Truly. Even if that means that Dad will never be back here in this house again.

I shouldn't think about this too much. In the end, I am just an observer, powerless as to how this story ends.

It just seems so unfair that Dad is the only one in control.