How do I feel?

I don't want to talk about it!

I'm just getting a little tired of being asked about how I'm doing. Oh no no no no. Before you feel bad about it, I appreciate your concern, I really do, don't let that stop you.

It's the hardest when Mom wants to talk to me about it. I'm telling everyone that I'm just great. And on the surface, I really am. I'm just trying hard to convince myself of that. As long as I don't address the problem, it won't exist in my world. How I wish that was true. I cursed in my blog. Ok, so it was minor but if that's not a sign that not all is just going great, I don't know what is.

This separation blurs in with my confusion about what's going to happen to me: when or if I will return to Hawaii. Mom and I talked for a little while yesterday and she commented that I am caught in this predicament. She pointed out that their problems began about the time mine surfaced and that instead of having to deal with it, they focused their attention on me (my internet problems and all them pedophiles). I don't really know what to make of that. I'm partly angry at myself for being an easy target (been a scapegoat all my life and rightfully so) at the same time, it was nice to have someone explain it to me. To have mom notice and to understand more about what's going on than I do is somewhat reassuring.

I talked to Matthew (ex-boyfriend) earlier this week because I needed to talk to someone about it. His parents had divorced not long after he had left for college in DC. Dad had been cheating on his mom for years. I thought that if anyone could understand, he would. I hadn't talked to him since November - didn't realize that it had been that long. I feel a little guilty for putting him through this all over again and for using him when it was convenient. He's still very much in love with me (I don't understand it!) and for me to talk to him and even have a good conversation (the first we've had in a year) then leave him again not knowing when or if he will ever hear from me again was just plain heartless. When will I learn to just let people heal?!

Anyway, back to what I was talking about. Matthew and I are different: he hasn't talked to his dad since. The issue with my parents began (or at least surfaced) just a few months before I met him. I would always struggle with understanding why he was so unwilling to forgive his own father. I saw things differently, and still do. I just refused to be hurt, I guess, and my way of doing that is just to forgive everyone. I don't know how that works yet. Still piecing it together.

Matthew mentioned something that struck me - which is why I brought him up in the first place. He said that the root of all the problems was the infidelity (of which either I don't have sufficient proof of, or am in complete denial of having proof of). I argued and said that with or without, there would still be trust issues and communication problems. I'm really not sure anymore.

But see, this is why I don't want to talk about it. Having to come to terms with the fact that my parents aren't all I make them to be is hard. The only consolation I have is that my parents have a valid reason to go through this. Not just some petty disagreement. This is something concrete. How sad it is to find comfot in that.

This evening when I tried to use the phone, I found that the line was being used for dialup. I was using the Internet downstairs the last night when Mom wanted to. She must've switched phone lines and not switch it back to the line we usually use for faxes and the internet.

That meant either Han was online (not something he does alot) or Mom had left it that way by accident. I tried to get into Mom's room where the computer is but the door was locked. When I finally got him to open the door, Han (13-year-old bro) denied being online. I checked the phone line and it was fine. Hmm, strange.

I made a quick phonecall, then on a hunch, dialed the regular internet line - busy. I thought as much. Went back to mom's room - door locked again.

*sigh* There are only 2 other people that use(d) the internet behind locked doors in this family and I being one of them, I think it's safe to say that it is NOT good.

I told confronted Han and told him that I was on to him. If he wanted to go on the internet (even though I am unsure of what the rules are regarding permission and such with mom - and incidentally, who do we ask for permission these days?) that I didn't care as long as he did it in a public area and NOT in the room alone with the door locked.

I worry so much. All major problems in this family have sprung from that. I wish he would get that. At the same time, I feel so hypocritical. I'm the worst example. I can't say too much because he will throw it right back at me and I will be left speechless. I don't even know how to tell mom - which is why I'm chickening out and doing it here. I'm not his parent so in essence I'm not the one having to deal with this. Thank goodness.

So how am I doing? I'm alright. There are great and terrible things going on at the same time but I've given up complaining and waiting for something better to happen. I'm just going to make the best of what I've got here.

When I'm willing to face my feelings, I feel just a little overwhelmed. I can deal fine with all that's going on now. I wish it wasn't so much at once sometimes, but there's alot of other stuff compensating for that.

The only thing that really scares me is the future. I'm only 19 and can expect to have a much longer time to live. People don't face their worst challenges in their teens. I mean they face alot and the confusion is just horrible, but the worst challenge ever is yet to come. That means that after I get through this, there will be more - worse trials - ahead. That's what overwhelms me.

I'm sorry. My thoughts have been scattered and my writing incoherent. It's late and I'm getting distracted by the TV. I can't be bothered to read what I just wrote so forgive me if I make no sense.

I'm not in the right frame of mind for this. I'm blogging about the thoughts and feelings I've had lately, not the feelings I have now because in all honesty, I'm back to feeling nothing. Again.