I do what I have to do.

As I'm preparing to return to Hawaii, the place I called home for the longest time, there are a million thoughts on my mind. My last week. How I'm doing everything for the last time. How my mom is feeling. How I can be there for her. If I am going to have enough time to pack. Do I have everything I need? How do I explain to Rachel that I will be leaving?

Those are good worries to have. I'm not complaining. It's really nice that it's difficult for me to leave this time around. I've grown roots here once again. Finally. And now it's time to leave it behind me in pursuit of my own future.

Beneath all that preparation to leave home is the anxiety of arriving at my new one. I'm excited of course. There's the camping trip J-Bo keeps talking about (which, according to Su, it's "more like a sleeping-by-the-road-side trip") and all the datable MEN (if all my friends are going home for the Summer, there will be 2 local - ok so one of them is Singaporean, but that's almost local - young men who have returned from their missions and will be joining me there in the spring who might just prove that I don't just date the white people) and of course there's the beach.

But under all that, I'm really afraid. It's not the school, it's not the people. It's one person in particular. You know who. Mark. Of course. (Jared, you can stop reading here if you'd like)

He's been avoiding me for the past while so I've been unable to talk to him. That's a good thing. It displays strength on his part. Yet, I don't know why, but I feel like I need to talk to him so I can prepare myself for things to come. I don't know what I'm more worried about: feeling awkward around him, hurting his feelings by dating other people, or not seeing him much at all.

Physical distance makes breaking up so easy. Take that away and I don't know what to do anymore.

People have asked me why my blog is named "Faye's Boyfriend Replacement". Well, I began blogging just after breaking up with Mark. I needed to turn to someone with my feelings but we couldn't talk about us anymore and I still needed to. We had spent all our free time talking to each other over Yahoo before and in his abscence there was this huge void and extreme lonliness. I realized how I've always had a guy to fall back on before and never been able to be emotionally independant ever since my first relationship.

So I started writing about how I feel here. It has helped me understand my own feelings better and provided me with an outlet to express my hurt, anger, confusion, loneliness and at the same time, a place for me to share the little details of my day - the happy ones - which I could no longer talk to him about.

What is to become of this place when I go to Hawaii or (and?) get a new boyfriend? (Somehow, those two seem to be melded together) I don't know. I'll probably change the title but with my record, it wouldn't be long before I'll change it back.

The whole point is that one issue brought about the birth of this blog and as I get closer and closer to being near him again, I begin to realize how much it has yet to be resolved. Sure I've learned to distract myself from it but there are many more hurdles to come before this will completely be over. I realize now that I still haven't let go. But I've always had that problem. I don't want to wait till I find someone else before I can move on, but that's how it's usually worked for me.

It's a strange feeling. I am closing a chapter in my book as I leave home for Hawaii (again) and begin a new life (or resume an old one). But there are issues that will carry over to the next chapter and still need to be resolved.

So I prepare my heart for the worst and pray for strength to face it. More drama ahead but I'll do what I have to do.

I guess we will just have to see where this journey leads.

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I apologize for continuously posting lyrics to sappy love songs but they are to me like kryptonite is to Superman and I think this song sums up how I am feeling really nicely.




Do What You Have To Do
By Sarah McLachlan

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go