Cover Girl

[Good, contemplative post - I rate as must read for my future self.]


I had a really good day today. I stayed up REALLY late with Mark just talking - didn't fall asleep in his car the whole time (well, for most of it till later anyway). When he was ready for bed, I just didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay out and stretch the day a little longer instead of having to return to my room and start being responsible again.

I was so reluctant to go home, that finally after letting Mark drive off, I sat down on the benches in the courtyard outside my dorm for a minute and cried.

And after coming home, I go straight to the computer, of course.

The play went well tonight. I accidentaly took a nap before rehearsals and woke up 1/2 hour after I needed to be there. I got there at 7.10 and had 20 minutes to get ready (I even had indents on my face from sleeping). I was so rushed for time, and went on mentally unprepared, I nearly missed a line - there was a brief moment of pause because I was focusing on what I was doing instead of what Hannah was saying and about missed the cue for my line. No one noticed though, I think. Su and Jared and a couple of other friends were there and it was nice to see them after. We took pictures, that was fun.

Mark had a chemistry test and didn't finish it in time to come to the first play - he was there for the second one though, which conveniently happens to be the more entertaining one of the two - and the one I am NOT in. What a waste of free tickets. He's lucky that there's one more tomorrow or else I would never let him forget it.

Last year he was there for 2 out of 3 nights and we weren't even dating yet. Ok, so maybe I lied. We hooked up in between those two nights.

After a quick makeshift dinner (put together by a trip to Foodland), we went over to join a group of friends and played a couple of rounds of Mafia. It was fun. The second, and the last round (we joined the group a couple of hours late) I got picked to be Mafia. With my luck, I was the first to be suspected and the first Mafia to get killed (however, not after one round of barely escaping it). No thanks to Mark for blowing my cover. I was annoyed with him for "betraying" me (because if I had suspected him to be mafia in any given round, I would defend him anyway, just so he could play longer - but that's just me) so I fussed and fumed for a while, like a typical immature girl, so much so that I nearly convinced myself that I was really angry over a stupid game. I'm just a sore loser. Especially since I'm used to staying unsuspected.

Anyway, poor Mark. I really had him worried. That was really mean of me. Honestly, I don't know what's gotten into me lately. However, he knows never to do it again. Which is good enough for me. *evil laugh*

Earlier today, before the play, while Mark was studying for his test, I went to Hale 4 (the dorms where Mark lives) and hung out with Jared and Lehua (though she left in between) for nearly 3 hours, while he was working (he's an RA for the dorms). It was really nice just hanging out since we hadn't done that in a while. Jared's the kind of friend like an old shoe. Not shiny and flashy, but worn and comfortable - broken into a long time ago. It's nice because we can really be ourselves around each other (for the most part) and just talk.

One of the coolest things we did was talk about what people had to say about us. As in, he would tell me honestly the negative things people would say about me and I would tell him what they said about him. Strange thing to talk about, I know, but it was cool being able to say it openly without hurting the other, and just taking it with a grain of salt.

Being able to recognize the truth in what other people say, at the same time knowing that it's not all correct judgement and being reassured that it's not how he perceives me and for me to reassure him that he's a cool guy regardless was just such a neat thing to do. I'm not sure how much he liked it, but heck, I'd do it again. I'm getting better at not letting what other people think about me affect me too much, but knowing what kind of vibes I send out is good for self-improvement where necessary.

He said they mentioned something about me putting up a front, like pretending to be "Molly Mormon" but really having something to hide. In one word, it would be hypocrite. I can see where they are coming from.

That really sucks because I really try to be genuine, and it's not like I've really tried to hide the fact that I've made some serious slip-ups and that I do have a relatively WILD side. I'd be the first to admit my faults and have been told that I am sometimes too brutally honest with myself.

There are a few sides to me, I feel, and whenever I'm in contact with others, I try to be my very best and be the person I want to be. That's the front I put up. Not to trick people into believing that I'm better than I really am, but to trick MYSELF into becoming the person that's better than I really am. Also, at points in my life, I have really BEEN "Molly Mormon". The fact that I try hard to be likable doesn't help either.

Maybe I try too hard to come across as perfect. And yes, in some ways, I'd like to be seen as such. I try hard not to say anything too negative in my conversations (although I have openly complained about Katie) and focus on the positive and say mostly GOOD, NICE things about people. I'm just a little tactful, but not because I worry about what people think of me when I say something bad, but mostly because I don't want to even THINK bad.

Sometimes, I'll tell a little white lie to be nice - Vithya can attest to this - but most times (I'm not perfect) instead of going to someone else and complaining, I try to talk myself into changing the way I think about something so that what I said becomes what I was thinking. Not very honest, I know. But that's me. I'd rather be nice to someone than to hurt their feelings.

Sometimes, I pay compliments just so I can make someone's day - because I know how much I like receiving them (it's church culture). But that of course, comes back and bites me in the rear - I'm always reluctant to accept compliments because I don't trust that they really meant it.

I'm getting better at being more truthful, though. Instead of telling someone that they did a great job if I didn't think so, I'll thank them for the effort they put in, let them know I appreciate them or even just not bother to compliment them. There are always other little, truthful, simple things that you can compliment people on like how good they look, or what a cute dress they have on, or how you like the way they just said something. I'm trying harder to say what I mean and mean what I say.

Lip service is a common social dillema, though. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with the integrity of compliments.

Alot of times, though, I don't even have the energy to try to be nice, but I really, really want to be a genuine person. I see myself as such. I am trying hard to do the right thing here, I just don't know how to do it sometimes. Some people, I know I am so comfortable with, I know I can be open and honest with them, that's nice.

And then there are people that I just can't seem to get past disliking just yet, and I avoid them like the plague, or if they try to have a conversation, get distracted really fast. People who don't feel comfortable around me do that, and I appreciate it.

I don't usually let myself think bad about someone too much or for too long. I usually feel guilty. Like with Katie, I've tried to cut her some slack because she is a teenager and I don't want to misjudge her character just because she's just a little egocentric. I am taking a developmental psych class and we just learned about adolescents. The are about aged 10 -20. Guess what? I'm 19. Sheesh. For all I know, I might be like that. I have the responsibility to be at least a little more understanding. I know I don't have to LIKE her, but I am working past the dislike. I was nicer to her today, and actually attempted to talk to her and make her feel like part of the group. I felt sorry for her. I have a feeling everyone else doesn't like her too much either.

I guess I just feel the need to impress others and "putting up a front" is my way of doing it. I don't know. I'd like to know EXACTLY what I can do to shed that image. There are some people I know that just come across as so genuine. I want to be like them. They are just so cool that they don't even have to TRY to impress you, they just do. I wish I had that sort of charm.

Not to say that I necessarily fit in that category or anything, but the nicest people often have the most enemies. People just question their motives and assume that being nice is just a cover for something much darker. I, on the other hand, am still naive enough to believe that people's intentions are generally good and because I think mostly of great things about people, it is unpleasant to come to terms with the knowledge that I'm not being judged appropriately. Thankfully, I'm not hurt by that anymore. I have a secure base of friends and a self-esteem good enough to be mostly happy with the person I am or am trying to become. You just can't please everybody.

Mark has been an example for me as far as being genuinely nice goes. He just doesn't have a mean fiber in him at all. He helps me see the best in others. I feel sorry for him sometimes. It's like his defence mechanism. Maybe developed during some less than pleasant childhood experiences. Denial. It's a wonderful thing sometimes. Unfortunately, there is a trade off. In being so wonderfully accepting of all the world, he can be more than a little harsh on himself. We can choose how we perceive the world around us and change the quality of our experiences. But if we look at that as a responsibility, every negative encounter becomes our fault. The world becomes flawless and we strangely become the victim. How do you balance acceptance of truth and optimism? I don't have the answers - just alot of questions. What about you?

On a happier note, though, Jared and I named off a list of good friends today. I have at least three here. Mark, Su, and Jared. Three best friends. I am so blessed. I haven't even counted all the other great people in my life. But 3 to start with. 3 people I can let my guard down around, 3 people here that I can trust with my life, 3 people I can be perfectly (even brutally) honest with and who I can trust will do the same with me, 3 (or technically 6) shoulders to cry on. They say that ONE good friend is hard to come by. I have THREE. What more can a girl ask for?

Life really can be beautiful sometimes, even without attempting to have a good attitude. On days like today, it is just so easy.