Unhappy Anniversary

Jared sent me an email today with a link to this song by Vitamin C.

You ask me, how am I?
Well I'm still standing, aren't I?
That's something, that's one thing that's gone my way
It's so hard, to go out, like everything ok noW
When inside, I still cry for yesterday

This is my unhappy anniversary
But I lie, saying it's just another day
This is my unhappy anniversary, oh

I know it's so stupid to feel brokenhearted
I wonder if you know just how much I hurt
I drink up and think up a toast to numb the hours
To get through without you is so hard today

'Cause it's my unhappy anniversary
But I lie, saying it's just another day
This is my unhappy anniversary, oh

Wishing you were here same time next year
Wishing you were here same time next year

And now it's near midnight, a few minutes and I
Return to get back to my former life
Pretending our ending was not so bad, I know that
It's time to escape you until next year

When it's my unhappy anniversary
But I lie, saying it's just another day
This is my unhappy anniversary
But I smile like it's just another day
It's just my unhappy anniversary
It's just my unhappy anniversary
________

Thanks Jared. You know how much I love sad songs.

I went to find last year's diary (a calender with important events written down) to see what happened today last year.

*Smacks self on head* (It's easier than kicking my own butt)

There wasn't a 29th of Febuary last year! Duh...

Maybe I should make sure all future bad memories fall on the 29th of February so that I'd only have to "celebrate" them every four years.

Naa... it's easier to "catch" amnesia.

Some general authority once said

If you meet a Mormon, they either just came from a meeting or is headed to one.

AMEN! Visiting teachers came this morning 9am. Correlation meeting for YM and YW 12pm. Church, 1-4pm. Rush to PJ chapel for Institute Student Council 5-5.45pm. 5.45-7pm, Single Adult Convention planning comittee. 6-8pm back in KL chapel, Worldwide Leadership training meeting.

I skipped the last one, came home, fed myself and blogged. What a day!

LEAP for joy!

Happy leap day everyone! I declare it an official holiday in my kingdom!

Han's the man for being the model in the pic!

I got a compliment!

At Yong Seng's King Saik said my blogs are like tragedy with some humor. Hey, some is better than none.

Lyanne : "Yeah, I like the one about Ray - "
King Saik: "Wait! Don't tell me, I haven't read it yet!"

My job here is done!

"Garlic" bread.

How do you bake that without garlic or an oven?
Lessons on cooking improvisation by Faye and Yong Seng.

1) Slice barguette into irregular oblong shapes.
2) Spread slices on both sides with an inconsistent mixture of butter (or margerine) and salt.
3) Look for foil. When you realize you bought seram wrap instead, send friends out to store to buy foil.
4) Join the bread slices back into a loaf - it's quite fun, actually, like a jigsaw puzzle. Wrap it up in the afore mentioned foil, not to be confused with seram wrap.
5) Turn on the fire on stove.
6) Very carefully balance the wrapped up bread on grill.
7) When you realize it's not really very smart, find one of those grill thingys you use to cool your cookies on and put that on top of the stove and voila! Your very on in-house barbeque grill!
8) Put the wrapped up loaves on that.
9) Leave it on the grill until your bread is SMOKING and your whole kitchen smells like an ashtray. Then, turn the heat down.
10) Wait 10 minutes for bread to get crunchy
11) After 10 minutes and the bread is still tough, remove from stove.
12) When you find that the bottom part of the loaf is charred to ashes, remove bread slices from foil and cut off the burnt parts.
13) Place the halved slices of bread that STILL aren't cruchy on the grill and barbeque them.
14) Poke them around with a fork so you look like you know what you're doing.
15) When they catch fire yell "Oh crap!" and Yong Seng will take care of it.
16) As soon as you think the bread is toasted enough, remove from grill.
17) Serve with Campbell's cream of mushroom soup.
18) Smack yourself in the forehead for not using a frying pan. Oh, no frying pan? A wok would do the trick! I think.

In the case of a vampire attack, do not attempt to use bread for protection. You are better off eating the charred remains of your barguette flambe.

My dentist says: "Open up"

Today at Yong Seng's birthday party, we sat around and talked - it was GREAT. The topic of opening up to other people with our thoughts and feelings came up.

I so happens that I just wrote Matt Laird a ridiculously long e-mail last night and a substantial portion of it was about that exact same topic. Since I'm too lazy to talk about it for the 3rd time, I just cut and paste that portion of the email here.

___________________

Ah, my “openness”. It’s all in writing, so to speak. From the time I was little, I opened up to my journal. My secrets were safe there. I was writing to something that would always be on my side. Then, I discovered the internet and made a lot of penpals. They became my best friends and I turned to them when I needed someone to “talk” to. They didn’t know me or my family and it felt safe turning to strangers. And then there was Matthew. Next, I moved to college where I started dating and had REAL friends. I opened up to one person at a time; always a guy – a guy who would eventually become an ex-boyfriend.

My whole life, people have turned to me with their problems. I like helping people and it’s an ego boost to me when people open up to me that way, but there were a couple of them who loved drama and were constantly finding things to whine about. I didn’t want to be like that. I was anxious to keep my self-pity to myself so that no one could think about me the way I thought about them (Do unto others as you would have others do to you - when will I ever learn?)

I also felt that I had to demonstrate strength for those who turned to me and conceal my weaknesses. I felt that they would think less of me if they knew. There are many who think of me as a cheerful person. Hah. How did I manage to pull that off, I wonder.

When I first started the blog, it was meant for just me. I just broke up with Mark and no longer had anyone to turn to so I channeled my attention to writing. I think you of all people would understand how good it feels to put your thoughts down on “paper”.

Well, I told Mark about it at the very beginning because a lot of what I wrote involved him and it became a way to tell him how I felt and how I was dealing with our breakup. Then I let Jared in for the same reason. Other people stumbled across my site. One of them was someone I knew – I was FREAKED OUT and started thinking about what I was writing a lot more carefully. Didn’t want to reveal too much, you know.

But somewhere in the process, I went back to read my old blogs, and read a ton of other blogs and realized that I was drawn to those blogs that opened up completely. Oh, I appreciate humor and I enjoy reading about other people’s observations, be it political or just opportunities for witticisms and so forth. But I’ve always been a fan of drama, passion and sad stories. I like getting on the inside of someone else’s world and feel like I am not the only lonely one.

One thing that characterizes me is my love for attention. I found a couple of blogs that I loved and learnt that a lot of other people read them. They received a lot of feedback and support. I have a tendency to covet – and I wanted what they had: fans.

So, on some whim, I sent out a mass email telling all the friends I could think of (except ones that I felt I might want to complain about in my blog, heh) about my blogger. A lot of them actually did read my page – didn’t leave comments, so I guess I’ll never know exactly who. (WILL YOU GUYS PLEASE LEAVE ME A MESSAGE?)

I was afraid of becoming less than a mystery before, but after opening up and having some good friends read about my feelings, people really felt they knew me a lot better, and I could stop pretending. I don’t like pity much, so I still don’t really talk to people about my problems but at least I don’t make it a secret that I have them now.

I have tried all my life to upkeep an image of perfection among my friends – that’s why I’ve never gotten really close to them (and why hypocrisy is something I have to battle with). But once I gave myself some room for error, I felt an immense relief and other people were glad to know that I’m only human after all.

What really surprised me was how other people began to open up to me as a result. It’s nice when people feel comfortable around you that way. Since then, I’ve really bonded with a couple of girl friends here. A lot of good comes from opening up. I’m learning that.

Gee, I love talking about myself way too much. That’s why I was restraining myself from opening up before – I have a tendency to take things to extremes, hence all this information you probably aren’t interested in.

You mentioned something about being careful to select stories you put on your blog. I do that sometimes: attempt to impress my readers. I want to say something witty or funny or cute so that people will say, “She’s so cool!” when they read what I have to say (I do that when reading other people's blogs). I still think about my readers a lot when writing. I love writing for readers. It’s fun. It also helps me keep my blog from being a total pity party. But some days, I say ‘SCREW IT ALL’ and just write how I feel. And you know, people seem to like that the most. There are more people like me than I thought, I guess. We’re always looking for something to pity so we don’t feel so bad for ourselves.

Who’s to say what’s appropriate to post on a blog and what isn’t? That blog is meant for you and you shouldn’t let your audience restrain you from doing whatever you want with it – it’s not like you have viewer ratings to deal with!

Isn’t it wonderful when you don’t have to do things for approval and money?
___________________

Actually, I have been trying to get the permalinks on my blogs to work for a while. That way, I can put something on my sidebar where I can link you to blogs that you guys have voted as "must reads". Maybe I should put a "Rate This Blog" thingy after every post. *rubs hands together*

You know, I just might!

So much for not caring about ratings. Psh.

What's this cake rated anyway?

Yong Seng's birthday party is today. He turns 5 tomorrow - he only has a birthday once every four years. What a pity it will be Sunday and we can't celebrate it properly then. Sheesh.

Anyway, I baked him a cake. A "Boston Cream Pie". It was oozing with custard (which I made!) and chocolate frosting... mmm.

Hey, that was NOT a euphemism. Sicko.



On a totally unrelated note, I would like to go to Boston someday. Isn't that where Ally McBeal is? And The Practice - and Boston High. I love David E. Kelley!

$$$$$!

PAY DAY!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately only in five digits - if you include two decimal places. Still... CASH! Don't you love it?



There's a strange satisfaction in getting paid for paying myelf.

I love handling the payroll!

Temporarily out of order.

I'm sorry I hardly blogged at all today.

Or maybe you didn't notice. I forget sometimes that I'm one of the only people who sit around all day waiting for people to blog.

I just can't think of anything positive to say today so I won't really write about much. I babysat in the morning today. It was fun.

As soon as I get off the pity pot, you'll get to see the happy side of me again.

It's too soon.

Too soon to start missing him.

I will save my tears for later. I am going to need them then.

I'm a blockhead.

Charlie Brown reminds me of Mark.

Heck, everything does.

What's wrong with me?

I can't explain why I long so much to see someone else hurting right now.

Why do I wish for any kind of sign that this isn't easy for him either?

I feel......?

Blank.
Nothing.

I want to cry tonight, but I can't seem to.

I remember reading somewhere that people don't feel any pain right after a shark bites off their limbs because our body produces natural pain-killers called endorphines to help us deal with the intense trauma.

I guess this is sort of like that. I can't feel the pain tonight as much as I want to. Who knows how long this will last for. All I know is that when it ends, I will find that a huge part of me is missing.

And it's going to hurt so badly.

Who do I mourn for now?

I talked to Su briefly today, she's doing just fine. "What, am I supposed to be depressed or something?"

She and Zui are still hanging out so she's not losing a friend. I hope that stays the way it is: that the air lets out ALL the way out of the balloon instead of just popping later.

The day right after I broke up with Jared (we had set a date to break up, how sad is that?) was absolutely horrible. I was afraid to go out for fear that I would run into him and find myself in an awkward situation, at the same time, I found myself looking out for him to appear around the corner. I think I ended up working on the jigsaw puzzle our dorm mom had set up in the hallway of the dorms for 5 hours straight until someone reminded me to eat.

Well, guess who I ran into in the cafeteria that evening? We talked and both ended up feeling alot better after; alot less lonely. It was a relief.

That wasn't exactly a sampling of the next few months after that, though. The real pain didn't follow till much later. I guess you really never realize how much you love someone until you've lost them. It's a cliche, I know, but a true one nonetheless.

So I broke up with Mark nearly 2 months ago now. Here comes the tough part. How are you supposed to choose to avoid someone you love with all your heart? Two more months. Two months and I will be back in Hawaii and meeting the man I would have been trying to get over again.

But, hey, on the bright side, Su's doing ok. That's great news! Blah....

I guess I was just looking for someone to feel sorry for over myself.

Maybe I should bring out my jigsaw puzzles tonight.

Falling in love.

and when you hit rock bottom, it hurts.

I remember the first time I ever experienced heartbreak; I was 16.

At that point in my life, I was spending alot of time on the internet after school chatting with all kinds of people, mostly men, and all much older. I met this 22-year old on ICQ one day through a random message he had sent me (I got alot of those then). We ended up hitting off and talking nearly everyday from then on.

He was a political analyst from South Carolina, living and working in Washington DC. At that time, he was working with the RNC. I remember meeting him just before the Bush vs. Gore elections. I sent him pictures, and he bought a webcam so I could see him. We wrote each other emails, did voice chat and he called when it was safe to. This went on for over half a year and I was getting more and more attached to him everyday.

We talked about religion and politics alot and I had someone to turn to through all the chaos my parents were going through at that point. I thought he was perfect! There was just one problem: he was Catholic and I LDS. Somehow, I thought that this was a great opporutnity to do missionary work. I made him a deal, to read any 2 books he picked out for me if he would read one of mine. He sent me Ayn Rand's Fountainhead and later, Atlas Shrugged while I sent him the Book of Mormon. I read it cover-to-cover for the very first time, annotated it, put in quotes and cross referenced everything. The book was twice as thick as it first was when I sent it to him. I doubt he ever read it all, even till now.

To many of you, I know it sounds really absurd to get that attached to someone who I'd never met from 12,000 miles away, and someone much older than I was no less, but I never had any friends who I could open up to as easily before and no one had ever gotten as close to me as he had. As much as there was no physical presence to back it up, the emotional attatchment was real. Foolish, no doubt, but very, very real.

Then, one day, out of the blue, he told me over the internet that we couldn't "see each other" anymore. Our conversation was going just fine when I showed him a picture of my family. It triggered something in him and all of the sudden, that was it. He left little explanation, told me he would block me from his emails and on his chat and logged off. He left me crying at the cyber cafe where I was using the internet.

It was Valentine's day.

I didn't realize till then just how much I had grown to love him. I was angry, hurt and confused. I felt like I could not live without him (first signs of my emotional dependancy of which I am very much ashamed) and wished he would just tell me why he had to leave.

I went to sleep crying for a month. I couldn't understand it. I wrote him emails - set up different accounts so that they wouldn't get blocked and even found him on AIM (which we didn't use to talk on before). I was desperate and lonely. I lost a best friend, just like that, and I didn't know why. It was an infatuation I wasn't willing to let go of. I suppose it didn't help that I was alot more neurotic then and suicidal.

No one else knew about our "relationship" and I had no one to talk to about it. Ray was sleeping in my room then (he just started again!) and would be the one to hold me when I cried.

I talked to my half aunt about it once. I used to live with her at my grandparents when we were younger, so she's like a big sister to me. She told me that if it was meant to be, he would come back and everything would work out. I just kept hoping.

Finally, after a month of misery, I pulled myself back onto my feet and decided I was going to learn to be happy again. I saw the wisdom in his action. I wished often for him to falter, but I revered the strength he had displayed. I was determined to display that same sort of strength.

Life has a funny way of playing with us. Just as soon as I was ready to move on, I got an email from him telling me he couldn't live without me (yes, I realize to that it sounds really cheesy to you guys) and that he wanted me back if I could forgive him.

I remembered my aunt's advice and I thought: he came back, now he is mine. This is meant to be.

After he came back, we became closer than we ever had been before. Many times, in the future, I had looked back and been angry at him for returning and at myself for taking him back. Our entire relationship following that was a roller-coaster ride. We went back and forth between being together and not talking to each other anymore - but we had fallen in love. More than that, we hadn and breaking off from each other (although that was the right thing to do) felt worse than suicide.

Two years later, we met for the first time, after I had spent a semester at BYU-Hawaii. He was my first kiss. He was there with me for one week, but within 3 days, he broke up with me. Again. The 7th or 8th time we decided to split up total. I had lost count by then.

That was the last time we broke up. We didn't really cut it off till much later. Far too late really, I got involved with Jared before completely resolving my feelings for him. He was my best friend through all those years, my first. Instead of letting him go, I would keep him around for backup. It was Mark who helped me leave him behind.

His name was Matthew.



My first heartbreak was painful. I thought I'd never live through it nor feel anything as painful again. Boy was I wrong. You think you'd get numb after a while. The truth is, each separation adds to the pain of your last. Everytime you face a breakup, all the previous ones come tumbling down on you at once.

But each time, you learn something about yourself and about life. You mature a little however much you hate it. Some of us become jaded because of it. Some of us never get back on our feet. Others force themselves to move on yet never find room in their hearts to love again. I want to be one of the ones that come out stronger and better each time, with more capacity to ache, but much more capacity to love.

Zui just broke up with Su today.

He was the one to tell me about it. They could see it happening in the future and were prepared for it, but I am sure she is hurting right now. I haven't got to talk to her yet. I told mom, and we're all worried for her.

It's the first time she's had a boyfriend and the first time she's been that close to someone - and I think I know how it feels. It's hard not being able to be there for her now. Still, whether I am there or not, she is the one who needs to face those challenges. I can't do it for her.

I really think that it is love and heartbreak that turns a girl into a woman.

Priorities? What's that?

When will I learn that eating and sleeping come before blogging?

Maslow, you need to get your hierarchy of needs theory right!

Wallowing in loneliness.

I found another random blog worth reading today: Days of Missing You. There is a strange comfort in being able to cry for someone else's pain while hurting for my own.

So many people on this planet and yet so much loneliness.

Queer quirks.

I just noticed myself doing something funny/weird today.

After watching and thoroughly enjoying a good TV show (usually a drama, probably sad, and it's safe to say I'd be bawling my eyes out), I will run to the TV to turn off the sound so that the music that goes with the credits doesn't ruin the mood.

Hey, you know it does!

BREAKTHROUGH!

I just had to write this down!

At the branch Family Home Evening today, I made Sabrina (she is nearly a year and a half, chinese) AND Liana (she's 6 months old, pinay/haole mix, gorgeous!) smile!!!

I'd never really been able to do that before so this is GREAT NEWS!

I wish I could make you guys laugh by playing peekaboo and making loud noises by smacking my lips together.

Choke catching up to do.

Choke is pigeon (Hawaiian slang) for plenty, a lot.

This may be uninteresting to you, but I will kick myself later for not writing this down.


Talking story with da kine

Man, I miss Hawaii. I just got reminded BIG time of pigeon because I finally(!!!) got to "meet" Su's boyfriend, Zui.

Su gave him my Yahoo ID, I guess, and we finally met each other online. Su wasn't there then, but it was cool to get to know a little about the guy my baby sister is spending all her free time with.

He sent pictures too. YAY! Now we know what he looks like! Su hasn't sent any pics of her yet (HELLO, what is that digital camera we got you for?!)

Turns out, we've seen each other around a ton on campus before (I worked Utility Maintenance, in the dorms, he did (does?) plumbing) and have alot of the same friends.

We talked for WAY too long about their relationship, him, mine, our friends... in a nutshell: I approve. My sister has good tastes. And, I am half glad I am not in a serious relationship anymore: no more big, important, life-changing decisions to make. I'm a coward, I like going with the flow.

Those are two really confused kids. Extremely happy, but confused.

We may like different pizza toppings
but we sure as heck are more alike than we thought!

Su didn't date while she was here, neither did I, really. I went on a couple of dates with one guy and he was Australian so that doesn't count.

Point is, I've never been able to find out what her tastes for men were like before (she's kept so hush-hush about guys she likes that I'm still not sure she liked guys growing up) and this is cool. Not that you can tell what kind of guys I like by looking at who I've hooked up with: they are so vastly different.

I have a general idea of what I want, but they all seem to contradict each other. I give up. I have just settled for saying that I like men, period.

Anyway, back to what I was talking about, Zui mentioned something to the effect of "It's weird how the two of you are so much alike, yet so very different." I'm bascially the extroverted version of Su, I guess. I know if you dig below the surface, you will find that have a MILLION differences. But it's true: we think alike (I just CRACKED UP when I heard that Su wouldn't let her guy pay for things either!), we like alot of the same things (she's my little sister, she likes some things just because I liked them) and apparently, we're looking for the same things in guys.

So she openly admits that she wouldn't choose to date Mark. I'm not sure she would've hand picked any of my other ex-boyfriends for herself, but I guess in the end, all women are looking for the same thing and since all men are different, we learn to love what we are exposed to the most and what fits our personality best (not to mention whatever comes our way).

Ok ok, getting sidetracked again. My sister has lived in my shadow for most of her life, except for gymnastics, the only other thing I can think of where my reputation didn't precede her was her highschool. It was a good move to put us in different schools: total growing experience for her.

For some reason, I have always assumed that we would never really be put in the same social circle. It hasn't really happened yet, but returning to Hawaii will definitely be interesting. So far, no guys have ever had to choose between me or her, and that's a good thing. None have gotten to know us to an equal degree yet. And I don't plan on that ever happening. I mean, hopefully, if everything works out well, she wouldn't ever have to be "competition" so to speak.

Because as much of a possesive green-eyed monster that I am, if I am willing to step aside for some stranger, I'd let my 'lil sister win if it boiled down to it. I'd probably be incredibly jealous for a while, but hey, I never claimed to being perfect!


Family Church Evening.

Oooh, we had a branch Family Home Evening in church today because it was a public holiday.

I was 40 minutes late for it, along with Han and Shuan. Quite a funny story, actually. I was on the Yahoo on dad's crappy laptop with Su and Zui (Dad conveniently took both desktops for repair) and everyone was leaving in a hurry. I said bye, but Dad had already driven off: the last thing I heard was "We can go in two cars!"

I had already said bye and shut down the computer. I went downstairs, got dressed. Mom still wasn't calling us to leave yet. Ok. So I called Jared while waiting to say "Happy Anniversay". The conversation didn't last very long because this loud buzzing started and I figured the call was expensive (calls are on MY dime now) and I had to leave soon anyway, so we ended it.

Anyway, after another 5 minutes of pacing and yelling for mom to hurry up, I decided to go see what was keeping her. Hah. This is the funny part: I couldn't find her. I had spent all that time waiting for mom when she was already at church!

Feeling stupid, I had Han and Shuan quit their Digimon game on playstation and climb up the van. No one else had known that mom had left too.

ARGH! I just remembered! Before leaving, I grabbed my mom's digital camera so I could take pics to put on here. I totally forgot about it (so no pics *sniffle*) and the camera is still in my bag. If I continue with my bag-unpacking habits, I won't discover the camera again till I am in Hawaii.

How did the activity go? It was a BLAST! Really scattered and noisy, but great bonding time with everyone at church. We had a barbeque going, a short lesson, games... after that, a bunch of people (mostly the Young Men) got together to play basketball. That included Han, Ernie (he touched the ball maybe twice) and Dad. I wonder when the last time anyone used the hoop was.

There was one girl playing, she's maybe 12. And good. Quite a tomboy. I wish I was good at some kind of sport. I hate being this feminine girly-girl who can't do tough guy things. But from observing the game, I noticed that my family sucks at basketball. At least in comparison to everyone else.

The best part of the whole activity? Tiffany's mom, Sister Andrews, supplied us a whole lot of frozen quarter pounder hamburgers from McDonalds which she is some kind head honcho for.

And about 20 of the leftovers is in our freezer. *evil grin*


Where we deviate

Su called home today, finally, after like what 2-3 weeks? I don't have a problem with her not calling home: I hardly did, ever, towards the end. I just got tired of mom complaing about not hearing from Su.

Anyway, the big difference between Su and I? She seeks mom out for advice and is actually open to it.

I keep my parents the heck out of my life and let them in on what was going on only when I was safely 6000 miles away in Hawaii and they couldn't do anything about it.

Even then, I NEVER asked for their opinion.

My family kicks your family’s trash!

After having family scripture study and family prayer tonight (we read the best passage from the Book of Mormon in Alma chapter 30 about Korihor the anti-Christ) we ended up around the table for refreshments (mom made a couple of trays of carrot cake for the branch family home evening in church tomorrow).

Somehow, dessert turned into games and we were playing murderer – which ended up becoming a game of “who-can-giggle-the-most-so-they-give-away-that-they-are-the-murderer”. After realizing that the game was getting nowhere, the game spontaneously transformed into story-telling add-on. My family has the wackiest sense of humor and we came up with some stories that are just out of this world.

We’re not going to need chairs to sit on anymore because we’ve officially laughed our butts off.

My family is wonderful. You should be jealous.

Hey, do something good today: vote for Faye!!!

Ok. I know that was totally corny. So sue me!

We had yet another student council meeting today after church. This Institute Student Council is set up to promote one part of the CES (Church Education System program), the Institute, which is a program to learn about the scriptures for college students and adults aged 18-30. (I went to a church college, BYU-Hawaii, which is part of the CES and we had to take these classes for credit required in our GEs.)

Anyway, we had a good discussion and came up with some cool ideas, but that’s not the point. The point is, I noticed today how much I really enjoy being on these committee type things. I’ve always enjoyed being on the inside of things, planning activities, organizing… basically, being in charge.

I was on the Hale (“Hah-lay”: that’s what we call our dorms) Council in school and got to deal with appeals for encumbrances and decide on some small rules unique to our dorm based on suggestions provided by the tenants (e.g. if PG13 movies should be allowed to be played in the TV lounge, what time should the lounges be open till etc). I was chairman of the district Youth Conference when I was 15 and was on the committee for at least 3 others.

I’m not sure what exactly it is that I like about it. I wish I didn’t have that tendency to step in and take charge in a group… I’m sure people take that as being arrogant and bossy sometimes – although I’ve mostly been pretty good about staying low when there is another prominent leader there.

I don’t know. I am the eldest in the family and that automatically makes me a leader. I like leading – it feels weird to me to let other people handle everything.

Maybe I really should become a politician. I’ve been wanting to change some screwed up policies for a long time.

For a start though, I should probably begin reading the newspapers. Hehehehe.

(If I do end up running in an election someday, I’m counting on you to vote for me. Do it – or else!)

Religious insight.

We had an interesting discussion in Sunday school today while studying 2 Nephi Chapters 6-10 with more focus on chapter 9. Our discussion led us to a cross-reference in Alma 34.

32 For behold, this life is the time for
men to prepare to meet God; yea,
behold the day of this life is the day
for men to perform their labors.

33 And now, as I said unto you before,
as ye have had so many witnesses,
therefore, I beseech of you that ye do
not procrastinate the day of your
repentance until the end; for after this
day of life, which is given us to prepare
for eternity, behold if we do not improve
our time while in this life, then cometh
the night of darkness wherein thee can
be no labor performed.

34 Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to
that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I
will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say
this; for that same spirit which doth possess
your bodies at the time that ye go out of this
life, that same spirit will have power to
possess your body in that eternal world.


Sister Andrews brought up a book someone wrote (non-church publication) about his near-death experience. This person apparently found himself looking desperately for his body while in that state. What struck me was how he noticed other spirits desperately looking for a cigarette or a drink etc.

I used to think that if we didn’t have our bodies, we would no longer be subject to physical temptations and such. What I forgot was how our addictions are always mostly psychological.

That makes me have to think twice about the person I’m becoming. I will be like this even after I die and will falter to the same physical weaknesses: and it will be even more frustrating without a body to succumb to.

An interesting thought: serious sex offenders are sometimes chemically castrated. (Am I right or is this just too much Law & Order SVU talking?) The result is the inability to feel these urges physically – much less act on them. I doubt that the desire to is any less though. I can only imagine their frustration.
If all computers and men were removed from me, as much as I would not be able to act on my urges, I would still long for them. If I were put back into a situation where I had access to them again, I would go crazy.

Imagine what we would choose to do with our bodies after we are finally resurrected.

I think the first thing I will do is find a Taco Bell.

SOMEBODY BRING TACO BELL TO MALAYSIA!!!

Pictures as promised

*sigh* Isn't Hawaii the most beautiful place to fall in love?

My second first kiss.

All love stories begin somewhere.

In our case it was Makapu’u point in beautiful Hawaii.

So, "Happy Anniversary" to me! Yes, another one. I consider this the REAL one for Jared and I. Like it matters.

Anyway, Jared recently wrote me what he remembers about the occasion. Because I am lazy and don’t want to write my own account (I wouldn’t have told you all those fun details anyway since I was only recently reminded about them) you get to see it from J-Bo’s point of view.

My comments are in italics. (Jared, I am surprised I didn’t have to correct too many spelling errors. You actually took the trouble to spell right this time. Not bad!)

As of right now, I am using the computer without a scanner so there will be no pictures, yet. I have recently been scanning and taking pictures to post into old blogs, so come back and check in the near future, ok? (Like tomorrow)

Ok, here goes nothing…

-----------------------------------

I found out that Travis had a car - or something resembling such. (THE definition of a POS, but I love that car) I talked him into letting me borrow it. He wasn’t allowed to park it on campus so I called my home teachers and asked if they would let me park the car there for the night. They said no, but I told them I'd have the car gone by no later than 5am. They eventually agreed.

Come Saturday morn I woke up at like 4:30 and since we talked on the phone till like 2 or so, I was really tired. I got to your hale by 5am and you were just as tired as I was. (I can’t believe I managed to wake up that early – on a Saturday too!) We stopped for gas at Mobil and then stopped again at Shell in Kaneohe because you needed film. We drove there and I almost missed it since it was my first time driving there and it was still dark. The whole way we were talking about how we wouldn’t make it to the top before the sun came up.

We got there and started to hike. I remember half way up you turned around and started to walk backwards. I asked why and you said it was because you wanted to have you feet face the other direction for a bit. (Oh gee embarrass me will ya!) I thought it was cute and started to laugh. We took a break on the other side and looked a some whale signs on the trail. We got to the top (it took us nearly a whole half hour!)and I was a sweaty smelly mess. (So was I!) There was some other couple there and they thought we were a couple then. We had them take a picture of us. I was worried that you may put your arm around me and be grossed out by a damp back. They left and it was just you and me. I got a pic of you and the sun coming up, but it was cloudy so you couldn’t tell if we made sunrise or not. Then we leaned against the rail looking out feeling the breeze for a while.

I remember that he had brought a paper bag with a sacked lunch from the cafeteria and I had an orange and he had passion fruit Lilikoi (I still think that stuff is nasty). I don’t remember what I drank. Or if I did. I could’ve drank that passion fruit stuff. Ugh. I do remember the Listerine pocket strip mints he handed me. We used that on many future occasions. But GOSH how could I not have noticed? I was so clueless!!! What happened next never crossed my mind before.

I had the Valentine in my pocket (I still have it in my room) and was just waiting for the moment. You said, "Well, should we go?"

I was soooo nervous. I said, "Yeah, sure." Then I realized I was missing my shot, so I just went ahead and did it. "Actually, there was one thing." I pulled out the valentine, "I have this coupon here that I wanted to use. It says right here “for now you'll have to settle for chocolate
hugs and kisses, for real ones call (your number)”. I've called the number but
nothing. How does it work?"

"I don't know. How do you think it works?"
"Does it work something like...this...?"

I leaned in and...well...you remember the rest. But I still say you brought the
tongue in first, not me... :-p (I SWEAR I did it only cause I thought you did!)

Just a quick interjection: it wasn’t as easy as he makes it sounds. As soon as he pulled out the “coupon” (It really wasn’t MEANT to be a coupon!) I knew I was in trouble. I had (have?) this policy not to kiss on a first date but I really liked this guy and I missed kissing a whole lot. I remember hesitating and telling him “I don’t know” and he said something to encourage me like “Come on, what do you say?” My memory has betrayed me on this one and Jared doesn’t remember that at all. Maybe all that hesitation just went on in my head and didn’t show. But heck, what matters most is that I eventually caved in.

After we couldn’t decide when would be a good time to stop kissing. Eventually you asked and we stopped. We started to walk back and I wasn’t sure what to do then. You grabbed my hand and that let me know that I was entitled to do that then.

My policy is to hold hands before kissing (because kissing to me is much more intimate) but Jared has it the other way around.

We stopped at the half way point again and got some more pics, but they came out wrong and it was the end of the roll, so we didn’t get all the ones we thought we would. We got to the car and I insisted you let me open the door for you. The problem was that Travis's car door would not be unlocked from the outside. I unlocked it from inside, went out, walked around, opened it, let you in, shut it and went around back to driver seat. You told me not to, but I had to open the door for
my first girlfriend first chance I had. (Hehe. It was awkward! Mark and Matthew will also testify to you how I never made it an easy task. I wouldn’t let them do it without a fight. Ok, maybe just a couple of times when I couldn’t be bothered) We held hands and I put my leg on your knee. (huh?) That was the first hand holding session with a girl ever and first time with a hand on a girls knee.

You were still reluctant to be called my girlfriend. That confused me. Later that night (after a nap) we met in Hale 5 and watched "My Big fat Greek Wedding" and it was the first time we
played footsies. I liked that...

We DTRed (defined the relationship) just the next day and that was when I decided that yeah, why not. Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend.

-----------------------------------

Following that was just 5 short weeks of bliss before the never-ending drama began. But that, dear readers, was the start of one of the most amazing things that has happened to me in my life.

Now I’m just dealing with loose ends.

What's in a word?

Incidentally, there is one word in the Englsih language that really bugs me (at least the one that I can think of right now): read.

See, you can't even be sure which way I meant that to be pronounced!

Take this sentence for example: "I read your blog."

Without more information, I can't be sure if they meant that they had read it once before or that they check often for updates.

See, that's why I ask for comments after every post!!!

Jared, this one's for you.

English, my first language.

"These are alternative forms of the past tense and past participle of the verb learn. Learnt is more common in British English, and learned in American English. There are a number of verbs of this type (burn, dream, kneel, lean, leap, spell, spill, spoil etc.). They are all irregular verbs, and this is a part of their irregularity."
- AskOxford.com

And this whole time I had to go back and change "learnt" to "learned" in my emails to you. Darn you. I was right about that past participle thing. I just didn't know that I was using the British version. Hah.

I hate this dual system thing. I have to think twice when I write words like "neighbor", "color", "favorite", "organize" (organise? That's stupid) etc.

I spelled (spelt?) them that way during spelling in elementary school and would get them incorrect. It made me SO mad!

The other words I have to think twice before saying are:

Flashlight - Torch
Shopping cart - Trolley
Wind shield - Wind screen
Parking lot - Car park

And YES I say "fortnight" and "shan't".

What's so funny about that?!

Mary Poppins, my alter ego.

Practically perfect in every way

Hah! Yeah. Right.

Granted, she did have to take care like, what, only 2 kids at a time? I'd like to see her handle SIX! *boast* *boast* Hehehehe.

Ok, so maybe Frauline Maria has me beat. But I'm no nun.

Man I have been so busy today, I didn't even have time to blog! Imagine that. I know, unbelievable, huh?! I didn't go online all last night and when I finally did today, there was new mail and a ton of new blogs to read. I wish I could've got on earlier since I had missed being there for Faith today. *sob* She still has me worried, but she has so many friends (all around the world too!) to care for her, it's such a comfort. Isn't it amazing what great friends one can make from blogging?

So, I baby sat my day away today. It definitely was fun. I did have to deal with a nosebleed (Ethan was picking at his nose just a little too vigoriously) and a bloody lip (Eli bonked his mouth into Andrews head and bit down on his own lip in the process, punturing it and causing it to sweel i.e. two crying kids). I am really quite proud of the way I reacted to all of that - especially since the sight of blood makes me faint. Go me!

I was there for about 5 1/2 hours. Phew. I actually kept busy the whole time. Not bad, huh? I spent some of it teaching Eli how to climb into his own crib and how to climb out (he's nearly 3 and the baby so Mom usually does it - it was really foreign to me: you can't keep my brothers from climbing up anything if you tried!) He still needs to work on the climbing out part. He's mastered tumbling into his bed, but after like half an hour of helping him out over and over (he is just a wee bit too short) I told him to take a break. That is one determined kid though, and he's so proud of himself for being able to do something without assitance, I am one beaming babysitter!

He didn't call me Sister Ritzi all day today either. Hehe. I taught Eli in the nursery at church for 6 months on top of baby-sitting him once a week. I like to think that I am responsible for opening him up. I remember how he would hide in the corner crying and crying before. His parents would always tell me how Eli would talk about "Sister Faye" all week. *grin* I love little fans, don't you?

Anyway, Sister Ritzi is his new nursery teacher (she is just so CUTE and amazing!) She's been doing such a great job with the kids (she has a 4 year-old herself and is Swiss - it's so cute, she sings them nursery rhymes in Swiss in the nursery) When at first, all the kids were calling her "Sister Faye" they now call ME "Sister Ritzi". And for once, instead of being jealous, I am actually just ecstatic about it. I know what great news it would be for her.

So, besides all the training in parenting I got today, I also learned a couple of other things:

1) Yatzee is a dumb game
2) There is nothing but JUNK on Nickelodean and Cartoon Network (unless, of course, Rugrats is on)

OOOPS! BIG boo-boo!

My dad just got home from Singapore this morning. He left his cellphone downstairs. It rang, I picked up and went to hand it to him, knocked on his door...

He came out like 3 minutes later. He had been "sleeping" with the DOOR LOCKED. *gasp* My parents are morning people... For those of you who don't know what that implies, email me and I'll explain it to you.

I feel TERRIBLE! I hope mom will forgive me for that one.

Wow, it's Saturday and I'm awake before noon!

Amazing. It was the sleepover, those girls got up SO early and were jumping on the bed to wake me up (we slept at like what... 2.30am last night?!)

How did it go? I actually had fun. It wasn't the best fun I've had ever, but it sure beat sitting at home complaining about having nothing to watch on TV, and switching to Discovery in desperation. Although I did experience slight withdrawal syndrome from my computer - all the more reason for me NOT to have been home.

It turned out that Melody couldn't get Tiffany to go so there were three 12-year-olds there, Melody (16) and me. Haha. We had fun though. I got there close to 10 from baby sitting the Whitakers as usual, and the younger girls were playing with the little bunnies they have and I found Melody (I was in young women's with her before so she is more of a friend to me than one of the girls I have stewardship over) and we watched American Idol. She watches it on 8TV, a new channel that I can't get from my house while I watch it on Satelite and we are a week behind - so I got to watch a future episode.

Melody had already read about who would win so she could tell me. Camille the cute Hawaiian girl made it through that round with the other guy Matt. I think. I find myself rooting for Camille because she's Hawaiian. Hawaiian's are REALLY patriotic to their island and their people and that has gotten to me. Not just that though - she has a GORGEOUS voice! Just not much of a performer.

I realize that since we get this all in syndication that I am WAY behind and you already know who won and stuff. But DON'T TELL ME! *Plugs ears* LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

We played games. The usual Pit and Spoons and Happy Families. It was tough because Rachel is very special and had difficulty getting it. We still managed to have fun though. At her request, we played "Sausage" which didn't work because there were so few of us and we know each other's voices too well.

They also INSISTED that we play truth or dare. I hate that game, but it wasn't my party so I went along with it. I dared a girl to drink milk and apple juice. That was really the best I could come up with (I was SO tired). She hated it, but Rachel seemed to love it and ended up drinking it all up. loL! That defeats the whole purpose for the dare!

Anyway, the game turned to just truth and it was really no fun. Blah. Spoons made up for it.

Strangely, I didn't feel too out of place. I sure felt like the big sister there some, but I have the ability to change my age mentality to suit the company I am in. (Rachel asked me about that once "Why do you act like a kid when you babysit Eli?") I wore pigtails that night and felt 14. (I am about that mature anyway) It wasn't too bad.

I made one new friend though, Mimi. She turns 12 this year and is Camillia's neighbor. She's Hungarian (cool!) but speaks with an American accent. Her parents are in Malaysia - this is the coolest part - to play the Viola and Cello in the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra (of which I am a frequent patron). HELLO! Someone who plays a musical instrument professionally? How cool is that?! That's why I picked up violin in the first place - there's more room for Violinist than there is for a pianist in an orchestra.

Mimi seemed to like me. She was grabbing on to me and not letting me leave for home.

The best thing about her? She has three older brothers. Not in Malaysia, but she showed me pics. They are aged 21, 23 and 24. I know their names too. They are such HOTTIES! loL! *sigh* It's nice to remember everyonce in a while that I still can have silly little school-girl crushes like that.

It sure is a nice break from serious relationship issues.

Something to cheer myself up with.

I'm headed for a sleepover! Hah. I don't know what I'm thinking. There's a girl from church, Camilia, who just had a birthday - she turned 12 which means she'll be joining the Young Women (I teach the Young Women in church with my mom). She is having a birthday party sleepover thingy but didn't have enough friends so she asked Melody who is 16 to invite HER friends. So, what did Melody do? She invited all the Young Women (Young Women are 12-18 but we only have 4 of them now: two are 12, one is 15 and one 16) apparently I'm included too. I'm supposed to be their leader.

I suppose I will take it as a compliment and be flattered that I got invited. Hehe. I just KNOW I will feel so out of place tonight! What the heck. It's either this or blogging overtime.

Anyway, I gotta go - baby siting first. I have to babysit Rachel who will be at the sleep over later. Hmmm.... something is not quite right here!

Self examination.

Before I ever had a boyfriend, I used to think what a lucky guy my special soemone would be. I really was very mature and level headed then - not to mention boring, but THAT really hasn't changed much now.

Right now, I have learned so much about myself through all my relationships and I really feel sorry for the guy who will date me next. I know I have alot to offer - and I can really be a cool person. But I'm not sure all the issues they'll have to deal with will make it worth it.

I don't want to feel like I've short-changed another guy again.

Maybe I should just stay single for the rest of my life. Less people get hurt that way.

Terrified.

I am so terribly afraid of what Mark will think of me in the future, after we've truly broken it off and I have forced myself to move on and perhaps have even started to date someone else (let's just PRETEND I will).

As much as he shows no capability of ever hurting me now, one day, he will turn around and say that I was using him and that I never did really love him. That I am responsible for his misery.

I used to be afraid of what my ex-boyfriends' future girlfriends (and perhaps, spouses) would think of me. It still bothers me because I know that they will hate me since I'm just such a low, evil, skanky itch (think whatever you want but past experience has made me positive that's what my ex-boyfriends eventually believe that I am although they haven't quite phrased it that way) and blame me for all the hurt and insecurity. However, that really is so trivial in comparison to my fear of being known as pure evil by my ex-boyfriend himself.

I hope that by then, I will truly have moved on so it would not be able to hurt me. I couldn't bear for Mark to think of me that way too. It's so reassuring now to know that there is someone whom I can lean on and thinks the world of me no matter my mistakes.

Maybe that's why I drag out relationships alot longer than I should.

When will I ever learn to stop caring?

The clock is ticking.

It just struck me tonight that I have 2 more months before I return to Hawaii. Tentatively, at least. If I slip up again, we can make that 6.

What this means, though, is that I have been here for half a semester extra (everyone would be doing midterms and I get to do whatever) and only have the other half to go.

I remember when I had 2 more months before I was supposed to have returned to Hawaii. Mark reminded me about that. I thought, two months: I can handle that. After all, I’d already been home for four.

Those two months were filled with anxiety and plans. Two months and I would be back with Mark. Two more months and I wouldn’t have to long for someone to hold me. I thought those were the two longest months of my life.

Well, here I am today, two months away from leaving home – again – something I have been looking forward to doing from the moment I arrived here. Yet, I have to admit how anti-climatic this is. I am looking forward to it, but there is no excitement. I see it there but I am not going to run towards it in excitement only to find it was just a mirage all along. I just keep walking, with the same pace and let it come to me.

I have no expectations whatsoever. As much as I am longing to see Mark again, I know that I want much more than just to see him and I refuse to let myself fantasize about our reunion for fear that we may play it out in real life or that I will be disappointed if we don’t. I don’t know which one I fear more. I miss having someone to return to.

I was watching American idol a couple of nights ago and they were auditioning in Hawaii. It made me so terribly homesick. I miss the place, the school and the people.

When I leave, I would have been here for as long as I was in Hawaii for. As much as the time has crawled, it feels so much shorter than all the college life I’ve had because I had done so much in those 10 months. I haven’t done anything with my time here. Sure, I have a job – sort of. I go visiting teaching, I work with my mom in the Young Women and have made a few friends– it’s all great, but I am not going forward with my life. I’m stuck in this inter phase. I’m just waiting. I don’t know for what anymore.

I really worried about returning to school in the Spring. Last Spring was terrible. All my friends had gone home for the summer, Jared just broke up with me and I was lonely. Thank goodness I had theatre to keep me busy and excited. I had to wait till the last 2 weeks of school till I met Mark. *sigh*

As a consolation, I tell myself that I already have few friends here and far less things to keep me busy. If I can take this, Spring will be the best part of my year so far. However, I realize that I have been blessed this whole time. I haven’t really been alone: I have my family.

My family members are my built-in friends. They love me no matter what and are always here to keep me company. I have done nothing but complain about them the entire time I’ve been home but this time around, I know I’m really, really going to miss them. I’ve gotten so used to the idea that home is always here. It will be so hard to leave again.

But I’m not going to say my goodbyes yet. I already did that twice.

The entire time I have been home, I have spent most of my life staring at a screen (computer or TV), sleeping (usually in the day), burying my nose in a book (mostly the ones my father has shoved at me) or sitting behind the wheel in the car. Every once in a while – at dinner – I get reminded to eat.

I noticed, however, that I have sought out a lot of knowledge since I’ve been home, or in this past 2 months, at least. I now know quite a great deal of ASL (I bought 2 computer programs to teach me to sign and have a few websites I visit to increase my vocabulary), I’ve been refreshing my memory on my psychology, I know a lot more HTML (and USE a lot more HTML) than I ever have before (thanks to this blog) and am currently working on learning how to write Java programs.

It feels good to say that I’ve been improving myself. I need to buck up so that I won’t feel like I’ve wasted my life away in the last year of my teen life. *gasp*

Maybe I’ll pick up my violin again tomorrow. And perhaps I should clean up the room that I will be able to call mine and mine alone (for the first and last time in my life, I have my own room) for just 2 months more.

I’ve gotten so used to being home, I’m almost hoping that I don’t have to leave just yet. It terrifies me to know that I feel that way.

I need a change.

Inspiration! I just came up with an analogy!!!

Not a nice one, I’m afraid. It says too much about me.

I was just thinking how I kept all that food (ok, it wasn’t a WHOLE lot, just a couple of leftover snacks… but after 2 weeks…. Yeah.) had kept buried underneath all the junk in my bag.

They are kind of like unresolved issues. I put them in there and they really stayed hidden from my consciousness – I forgot about them. Perhaps there was something nagging at the back of my mind, but as my personal motto is “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” my subconscious probably figured that as long as I didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t be a problem. I could just ignore it away.

It works – for some time. I would be bothered by this strange smell every once in a while – maybe even built a tolerance for it but didn’t know what it was. I didn’t really try to figure it out either. Not everyone could sense it. Some people are more sensitive than others in detecting things like that. When it went away momentarily, I just left it and was glad I did not have to deal with it.
Just because you ignore something, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. My nose could probably get completely used to the stench, even when it was uncovered, but I would be carrying trash around with me and people wouldn’t find me to be pleasant company.

Like remembering to unload my bag, I need to do a regular cleanup with my life. Unresolved feelings and issues will come back to haunt me after weeks and weeks of getting worse everyday.

I need to stop running away from my problems and trying to block them out. When I need to do some deep soul-searching, it would be much nicer if a stink bomb or stale deep-fried sweet potatoes didn’t turn up instead.

Two words: PEEEEEE-EEEW!

(Yes, I know that wasn’t two words… it may not even be a word. But that’s what Phil – I think that’s what his name was – the satyr from Disney’s Hercules always said. “Two-words: AM-SCRAY!!!” See, I just ruined the weak attempt at a joke by explaining it. I have a great sense of humor. That was supposed to be sarcastic by the way. Mmph! I did it again!)

So, I was digging for something in the humongous bag I carry around today and discovered a lot of hidden treasures. *pinches nose between fingers* ughhhh.

Think of a cross between a sewer and a garbage dump in a back alley. I’d post the smell on here but I think I need to figure out how to post sounds on here first.

Remind me NEVER to stuff remnants of the food I can’t finish eating at work into my bag again. I really should unpack it more often. It was NASTY. I’m going to have nightmares tonight!!! I need to air my bag out.

On the bright side, I finally figured out the stench that my brothers complain about every time they step into the car.

Get me a SMALLER bag next time!

And Matthew thinks fruit flies are a problem…

Shoot.

Point and shoot to be exact. It’s confirmed now. I really need a digital camera. I’ve been taking all these pictures with my webcam at work. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how much trouble it is! I even put the mouse between my knees to click on it once since my hands were occupied. In the end, the shots don’t even look good! Yeeesh!

The bright side though, is that I get to look at myself as I take a picture of me. If I put it on “broadcast” mode in Yahoo, there is a slight lag. If I’m quick enough, I can look back at the screen and see me looking into the camera.

If I’m REALLY lucky, I might even be get to see what the back of my head looks like that day. Hehehehehehe….

Happy birthday to me!!!

My inner child is six years old!

Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Oh my gosh, this is truer than heck. The year I was 6 was the prime of my life! And I still bring Blankie to work with me everyday.

OOOOh! Pick me!!!

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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Hardly true - but that's the character I wanted to be!a>

More nonsensical personality tests.

If I were a classical instrument, I would be...


one of the following: piano, bells, chimes, xylophone.
You're very friendly and never shut up.

What Classical Instrument Are You???
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NEVER SHUT UP?! What do you mean I never shut up? I've stopped talking before... last week... I think.... I can stop. What you're saying that I -

I'm SIIIIIINGING in the rain!!!

The highlight of my day.

I got to use the pimp purple umbrella I bought AGES ago (Jan 6 to be exact, I blogged about it) for the first time yesterday! Lalalalalala!!!

I've been DYING for it to rain so I could use it!!! Ok, it has rained since then, but I'd never needed an umbrella all those times.

So what it was only for 40 seconds to get from the exit of the office building to my car? It was worth it!

Another anniversay

President's Day last year, Monday 17th of February, 2003 was when Jared first told me he liked me over the phone. That's today or yesterday or the day before depending on which time zone you're looking at and whether you're doing President's Day as the anniversary, or the 17th.

This is so bizzare.

I remember that day really well. It was exactly a month after Jared and I had first officially met. Of course I didn't realize that then. I usually hated Public holidays because everyone would be off campus and I would be stranded in a dead town (sucks to have no car) in the middle of nowhere.

Jared went to Pearl Harbor that day, I think. With Wendy? And you guys got your pictures posted at Big Boy Burger? I don't know what I did all day, but we went to see the movie "The Testaments" at the IMAX theatre in the PCC that night. We had planned it for a while.

I remember Erika (I LOVE her!) joining us that evening (she had even got sort of dressed up and did something different with her hair) and Sharrie (my older friend with cerebral palsy) all on my invitation. We had a good night. Pushed Sharrie home. Spent some time with her. She would never let us go home and would always ask for a blessing from Jared before we left. He only went there to be with me. lol.

Well, later that night, I talked to Jared on the phone from my room as usual. (Yes, even though we only lived 2 tennis courts apart - maybe 4.) He brought up Erika giving him signs that she liked him. I could've told him that! I thought it was really cute. Erika's my friend, I have stepped out of the picture for my friends before and I was going to with her. She may even have sat between Jared and I in the movie, I don't know. I just remember Jared telling me later that he was not happy with the seating arrangement.

I think I was doing something to the effect of congratulating him, but then Jared excalimed in exasperation, "But I don't like Erika, I like YOU!"

I imagine there was an awkward silence after that. I might've told him that I liked him too. (This was before our first date) "So what now?" was the question. I think I did warn him that I wasn't ready for a relationship - I had just broken up with Matthew again and I don't know if us "breaking up" ever meant anything. I guess Jared must've been disappointed that nothing happened that night, but still hopeful. We had a date on Saturday. Anything could happen.

I was just telling Mark about this on Yahoo, and I commented on how I have been looking back alot lately. Ever since I've been home, I have been living in the past, and in the future. I don't live so much in the future anymore - because ever since I removed Mark from that picture, all I see is a blank.

I live everywhere except in the here and now. Isn't that the sign of an unhappy person? But I don't want to be unhappy! I've tried so hard to make this blogger more than just a place for self-pity. Everytime I think, you know, I'm not really an unhappy person, I get a day like today. Or night comes, and I feel lonely again and wish I was somewhere else.

I sleep in the day to avoid having to live and I stay awake at night to avoid going to sleep in an empty bed. What a pathetic person I am.

Maybe it's just my lack of sleep talking. I think I just need to put my contacts in. I feel prettier after, and 10 times more awake and alive.

Like Cinderlla's glass slipper. But wasn't Cinderella already a happy person?

Ray is smoking!

Ok, so not literally. I certainly wasn't referring to tobacco - what I meant was that he is very, very very hot. This will be the 3rd day he's been home from school sick. He's had the flu, and has been burning up with a fever mostly at night, after he's spent his day playing, doing his homework and following our help around the house all day, bugging her.)

Last night, I woke up from my nap to sounds of his wailing (not the "waaaugh" kind of wail that he does to get attention. It's more of the delirious kind) from the bathroom. Mom was giving him a shower and he had his hands over his eyes the whole time. He was complaining that his eyes were smoking and that they were very, very hot.

The poor kid. We put his clothes on and I talked to him some. He muttered all kinds of things (I've heard that high fevers do things to your brain) and one of them was "I don't want to die!"

I was holding him and he was all curled up in a ball - probably because he was cold. Mom gave him some medicine and I was trying to convince him that the medicine would make his eyes better.

I wanted to watch TV, so we moved (I carried him) to the couch by the TV with the cable and I wet a towel to sponge his forehead. He was whimpering the whole time. Mom gave him some noni juice (it's nasty, but we really believe that stuff works) he would hold my hand as I sponged him for reassurance and when mom sat down on the couch too, he was grabbing on to the both of us.

I know why the youngest in the family are so spoiled now - it's wonderful to have someone tiny to fuss over and baby. We took his temperature... 39.5 degrees Celcius. As much as we measure weather in Celcius here, when we think body temperature, we think in Ferenheight and we didn't have a single thermometer that measured in that. I had to get my calculator and an encyclopedia out to convert it. 103.1 F. (CX1.8)+32

I'm almost positive his temperateure had been alot higher before then. Ray was a darling for the rest of the night. He's been such a cutie throughout his sickness. He's really behaved like a little adult (minus the on going sound effects he makes when trying to keep himself occupied in the absence of school)

When mom talked about Ray having the Flu, Ernie misinterpreted it as Ray having the BIRD Flu. Hehehehe... I had to explain that the 2 were very different. Honestly though, I don't know what the symptoms of Bird Flu are... I better some research.

I love being the big sister. It's probably a good thing that I love kids too. Although I guess that if I really didn't like them, I wouldn't have asked for more sibblings and my parents would probably have closed their baby-making factory a little earlier. I still want my baby sister though.

Oh man, I'm at work now, blogging, fighting to stay awake. It's 8.35 am. I was napping on and off last night and finally got ready for bed at 4.30am. Mark asked if I'm sick. No, I hope not! I don't want whatever Ray has got.

Although it would be nice to have an excuse to just stay home and sleep all day. Not that I don't already sleep all day at work sometimes...

An anagram a day.

AAAaaahhhh! I did it, I did it!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm the biggest fan of anagrams - I have the coolest ones of alot of you guys out there already and I just figured out a way to animate them! YAY! So how's one of this version of my name for starters?







People say that anagrams never lie. What does that mean?
I don't wanna know!

RM101 poorer.

But I have my own phonecard now! I set up my internet banking account yesterday (and that involved calling the bank and using the ATM) just so I could get this done fast. Now I don't feel imprisoned and I can reach Hawaii anytime I want.

I finally used up the 22cents on my parent's card - guess what? All that agony and it never recharged. Or if it did, it's setup now so that you need a pin number to access the card (it was hooked up to my house phone line before so that I never had to enter a pin) Ah well. I should start paying for my own phonecalls anyway.

Now I wish I hadn't spent the money on my new webcam. I mean, it's not I didn't already have one! I bought that a couple of years ago, so it costed RM10 more than it does now and the image was 10 times less sharp. Still, I hardly use it anymore since I don't talk to Mark as much. Probably a good thing. I haven't bothered to look good much lately - except on Sunday for church.

I haven't bought a single item of clothing, shoes, or makeup, since last year. I think. Somehow, as much as I resist being a girly girl, I find that being really sad! That's what I usually spent my money on.

I figure I haven't anymore because I don't have anyone to dress up for and don't really care what I put on in the morning (it just depends on whether I'm feeling cold or warm now instead of what color our outfit I feel like wearing or what look I want to have for that day) I am in a slump. I shop for clothes when I'm happy. Oh my goodness, I am pathetic.

But I have since bought a new webcam, a few DVDs and USB flash drive MP3 player thingy - oh and not forgetting, a phonecard! (I spent most of my money in college on phonecards... darn long distance relationships!) Every single one of those things I have bought to cheer me up when I'm in a dump. Like the MP3 player was bought on the very day Dad grounded me from the internet and any long-distance communication (don't ask me what I'm doing here now). I was going to go home and decided I deserved something and just spent RM300 - just like that - on the player. That's a good portion of my paycheck. I need to be careful.

I work right next to a whole lot of malls, and right next door there is a whole floor dedicated to selling computer stuff... REAL cheap too! I go there to window shop alot. I was hoping to save up to buy a laptop, but now that I've finally admitted that it is really out of my reach, what with the little time I have left and the little pay I get, I am looking to get my very own digital camera. Won't cost a whole lot for one. I like taking real good pictures and I'll still have my fancy old-school, film using, Canon 888 for that (ok, so it's not that fancy, but fancier than one of those point and shoot thingys) but a digital camera will be fun for blogging because I can get my pics instantly and don't have to worry about wasting film.

Still, I'm so used to the really good and expensive digital cameras that my parents have. I think the cheaper one I get on my own will be disappointing. Maybe I won't get one after all. It's a pity I don't have a birthday before I leave for Hawaii. I wouldn't dare ask for something expensive like that, but my parents are really generous and have surprised us with the gifts they buy. That's how I got my EOS 888 in the first place. I never DREAMED of asking. I asked my parents for a tent for my birthday this year after we went camping - I thought it'd be something cool to have while in college. Well, my birthday isn't till June and I'm not sure I'll want a tent still then. Hmmm.

Last year, my parents bought me a USB Flash drive for my brithday and that REALLY came in handy. I was just leaving for home then and had alot of stuff on my rental school computer (that didn't have a burner) that I wanted to save and bring home with me.

During Christmas, I wasn't sure what it was I wanted. I had needed alot of things to bring to Hawaii and had VERY little money left. I'm not good at managing my finances. I can if I have to, but I'll defend myself on this one, I was living on 3 months pay (from teaching piano part time - the biggest paychecks I've gotten in my life, but still very small in comparison with the rest of the world) for 6 months... and I had bought most of the stuff I needed for Hawaii (like my 2 huge suitcases).

Anyway, from "Santa" I got the cool bag I carry around everywhere I go (it's BIG and I love bags that can fit everything I need to carry around with me inside) some hairclips, and some contact lense solution. The solution was the highlight of my present. I REALLY needed that and had spent most of my remainding money on Christmas gifts (I get too generous sometimes).

I had asked my parents for a scientific calculator because mine had broken and I threw it away just before leaving college for home (the same goes for my CD player). My parents were going to give me my dad's old one (it's a really expensive one with alot of functions on it I will never use: he got it for his financial planning course) but i wanted a specific one: an exact replica of my old calculator. (I get very attatched to my calculators) Well, I offered to buy my own Christmas present but they said I couldn't do that. Su needed a scientific calculator too, and since I couldn't afford to buy her one, mom gave me the money to shop for it for them to give to Su.

Well, I ended up coming home with 2 calculators. One for Su, and one for me. I had found the one I wanted. I didn't tell my parents till the next morning after Su had opened the calculator gift she got from "Santa". "Oh." Was all mom said.

I had a sucky beginning to Christmas because my sister had gotten sunshades for my brothers - and so did I. For some reason I was really upset. I guess I just couldn't afford really fancy gifts and in a way I'm still disappointed at what crappy gifts my family ended up getting from me (I bought my mom one stick of lipgloss and she got a set of Christmas napkins and placemats from Su). Anyway, I was crying that morning. I remember talking to Mark on the internet while everyone else opened their presents. I was last. I really didn't want to open them: I knew I'd be disappointed.

Well, I got Dad's calculator. I still have it now. I don't want it, I don't have a manual for that one anyway (I read the one for this calculator for fun). I wasn't going to bring it with me to Hawaii anyway. I guess I must've hurt mom some. I love the bag and the hairclips I got and I'm not kidding when I say that the contact solution was like the BEST and most ideal gift ever and couldn't have been more welcome that Christmas. But isn't that just the saddest thing? I would rather have had them pay for the calculator I got myself. Oh well, the year-end turned out to be alot crappier later. I won't remember what a bad Christmas I had in comparison.

I guess I was just lonely and missing Mark so I ruined Christmas for myself. I got cute gifts - but I didn't want cute gifts. I wanted stuff I could use. (Which is strange because I grew up wanting luxuries for my birthday thinking that my parents were SUPPOSED to provide me with my neccessities anyway) My sister got me earrings - I've only worn one pair once - that day. They're cute, but bless her heart, I prefer the other pairs I bought myself. She also got me the cool hairband thingys to go with my new hairdo. I had asked for those, I love them. She got me two and one of them was purple striped with pink (nice!) and the other was an ugly green with checks made out of white and red lines. Ugh. I hate checks. It won't go with anything in my closet. Poor Su. She feels bad about it.

Man, I hate complaining about gifts. I feel so guilty after (and yet it's nice to get it off my chest). I lie about loving them. Sometimes I really make myself believe it too. I guess I want people to like mine so much I want to show them I like theirs. I don't know... it's the thought that counts they say. Yeah. But you still get disappointed when they give you stuff you don't want.

You know, I say it's really easy to please me. In a way it's true, because I'd rather get gifts I'll never use than none at all: and I will love them if I love the person who gave it to me. But here I am complaining about my Christmas.

We had so many presents under the tree last year. I guess I had a sucky Christmas because I really didn't expect much to begin with - or maybe I was expecting much and was talking myself out of it. I've stopped getting excited over gifts. Like Ernie (he's 8) told me his philosophy: don't ask for anything. If you do, you'll expect to get something and when you don't, you'll be disappointed. So you go with no expectations and come out perfectly happy.

That's my philosophy too.

I feel so sorry for Mark. We had this HUGE dillema the whole month of December over what to buy each other for Christmas. I always buy the stuff I want for myself and refuse to tell people what I want (mostly because it's too expensive and I hate ASKING for things - I know I'll get them if I ask and that makes me feel guilty). Although I did ask Mark for a standing fan for Christmas so I could use it when I got back to Hawaii. I haven't gotten to see what he got me yet and vice versa since I never made it back to Hawaii, but, I'm willing to bet you he didn't get me a standing fan.

You know, I really stress over what to get other people. And till now, I'm not sending Mark the presents I got him for Christmas because I feel like there's something more I could give him. I'm so afraid he will be disappointed with what I get. I wished he liked something as much as Jared liked the Simpsons. That would make things so easy. Maybe my insecurtiy comes from not knowing Mark as well as I want to or should. Oh I hate to think that!

But because of all that I put into a gift, I always wish someone could do that for me in return. I have low expectations because in essence, I'm really impossible to live up to. I'm a walking contradiction: I like to be a mystery and don't like to be figured out. Yet, I want someone to know me enough to be able to buy me the perfect gift without me having to point them in any direction. I demand the impossible. And yet, I tell Mark not to make a big deal out of my present because I will love everything he gets me. And it's true. He could get send me his dirty socks and I will sleep with them at night.

Then, I look at my parents. My dad always buys my mom stuff that she doesn't know how to use. The clothes and jewelry he picks out for her are always stuff she doens't like to wear... but she'll wear them for him anyway. At least once. Hehe. You should've seen the horrid pink blouse he got her for Christmas! Gall!!! Poor mom. Alot of times (like all men) dad'll get mom something he wants to use for himself, like say a decoration for our indoor garden, or a computer accessory. I'm pretty sure Dad's bought mom kitchenware too. She hated that! Dad's gotten better over the years though. He's listens more - and I suppose my mom asks for things now - and sticks to buying handbags and useful electronic devices mom can use for her class/work.

Oh, as I'm typing all this, I think I just figured out why gifts are such a big deal: it isn't what's in them but what they imply on how other people perceive you. Mom hated getting kitchenware because she didn't want to be seen as just a mother. She wanted something for her, the woman. Obviously, if you get a gift like a new set of tires for the family car, he wasn't thinking about you when he got the gift. That's why men shouldn't buy clothes/jewelry for their women... they would usually pick out something they want to see her wearing instead of what they think the girl would like. That gives more reason for women to call you a chauvanistic pig (which most men are) so don't do it! Unless of course, she mentioned liking something in particular, then go for it.

The best present I ever got?

My birthday last year from Jared.

I even told Mark this, and I feel really sorry. I have this bad habit of talking about my exes and it's such a turnoff, I know. I learned to refrain from doing that while I was dating Mark because it really bothered him. I really didn't mean to compare Mark with Jared by bringing the present up or to put any pressure on Mark in his choice of Christmas gifts. I was simply being honest.

I didn't ask for anything from Jared on my birthday, and since he was in AZ and we had broken up, I didn't expect to get anything from him at all. Well, he sent me a package. He had burned me another CD "Story of US II" (songs about our relationship in chronological order: he has good taste in music so it works out good), a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle (I LOVE puzzles! I fixed it when I got home) and a humongous green Krusty the Clown watch that exclaims "HEY KIDS, IT'S STORY TIME" followed by his corny laugh every time I press the wrong button. Hehe. He knew I needed a watch. I still use it, for lack of a nicer looking one I can wear. I've only worn it a couple of times. I love it! (And I'm not lying about this one) But it's so huge - I swear it's wider than my wrist - and hideous! I keep it hidden in my bag to check the time and cringe in embarassment when bag suddenly exclaims "HEY KIDS, IT'S STORY TIME!" when I'm in the elevator or soemthing.

The best part of the gift? Mmm... his blue shirt. I had smeared chocolate frosting all over the back of his shirt after midnight on Cori's birthday (incidentally, I arrive in Hawaii on the 19th of April which would be Cori's birthday again - I'm too much into these dates!) we had smashed the cake I made for her into her face (I had made it in a hurry and it was all falling apart anyway) and were throwing that and water balloons at each other. He was really mad at me for getting the stuff on his FAVORITE shirt, afraid that it would stain so I promised to clean the shirt for him or get him a new one otherwise. Well, it cleaned well (thank goodness it didn't shrink and turn into something from baby gap -it was a shirt from gap too - like Annie's laundry, but if it did, it would actually fit me and I would've gotten to keep it anyway) I wanted to fight him for it since I loved that shirt so much, but either I lost or I just couldn't take him away from his favorite shirt. "Any shirt but this one!"

It really was a big deal to find that he gave me that special shirt in the mail. I put it on immediately (it smelt like him even) and went to work. I still have it. I love it to death still, but haven't put it on for a long time out of respect for Mark. I'm thinking I should give it back to him. *sigh*

Jared was broke then too and had close to no money for a gift for me but he still pulled it off. It was the best gift ever because I didn't have to ask for anything and I got it. I wouldn't have wanted anything else. That gift just proved how much he really knew me, and how much thought he had put into the gift. I was also still very much in love with him then too. (I hate to admit that I had just started dating Mark at that time)

I'm still trying to figure out what made that gift so special. I'll let you know when I do. I do know that it mostly have to do with how I felt for him at that time. Isn't that a comfort?

Oh wait. I think I figured it out. He really understood and saw things from my point of view right? There's a reason why more than one person has asked if you were gay. (I think alot of people here would agree that "skosh" is a gay word)

Still, more than wanting someone to understand me just like Jared did, I want to know someone as well as I knew him. We only dated for 5 weeks, but I have his personal history memorized, I know the names of all his sibblings as well as neices and nephews. I could tell you the major events of his childhood and highschool or whatever as if I was there. When I went to Arizona, I met John his best friend and they talked about old times. I really didn't feel left out in the conversation. I even pitched in a little. That was too much of a perfect relationship (imperfections aside).

Strangely, I struggle to remember things about Mark. I had to ask him what his middle name was again a few times and can't even remember his brother's first name (I know they call him by his middle name: Ryan). I had to check my calendar a few times to recall his birthday.

Granted, Mark and I have spent much less time together with each other in person, but you'd think all the talking we did on Yahoo over the past 7 months would come to something. I think that it could simply be because Jared talks alot and remembers details and told me all about them. I don't know.

I hate comparing. Mark feels inferior to Jared. In some ways, he has a valid reason to be. Jared was the best relationship I ever had, it's true. But the fact is that I'm not in love with Jared. I am in love with Mark. I want to have a relationship like Jared and I had, but I don't want to marry Jared or even someone LIKE him anymore. I want to marry someone as wonderful and as giving as Mark is (and as sexy and good looking and...) But in reality, every relationship is irreplacable.

In the end though, there really is no point dwelling over this. Jared will be Jared and Mark will be Mark. Our relationships were different. Better or worse, they both belong in the past.

Maybe tomorrow, I will try keeping them there.

Pretending

By Fei for Mark

My chest tightens.
Pain from my stomach
pushes upward
as the emotions I fight to
hold back
form a lump in my throat.

But
I will not cry.

Take a deep breath.

I smile.
“Hi!”

He smiles back.
It shows.

I am not the only one
who wishes I could just
break
and confess just
how much
we have missed each other.

He’s so beautiful when he’s in pain.
If I could just…

My jaw trembles now
but
- take a deep breath -
I will not cry.

We talk, we laugh.
Why do we keep reminding ourselves
of what we are missing?
Why are we doing this again?

Our time is up.
I’m sorry I can no longer devote my day
to you.
Just you.

“Talk to you later.”
Not right after dinner,
not as soon as I can.
Maybe tomorrow?
Maybe not.

I long to plead
Stay with me!
But I have to let you go.
We have to let each other go.
Shouldn't we have done that by now?

My heart aches so terribly.
Oh how it hurts.

But
I will not cry.
I cannot.
I must not.

Take a deep breath.

I will hold back.
I have to
till you leave
knowing that you take me
in your thoughts
- that you love me
in your heart.
Always longing
to hear you say it
just once more.

But
I will be strong.
You will resist
and I will wait.

Take a deep breath
Draw strength from the air.

I will wait for the time
when I can play
pretend
again
and smile for you.

Take a deep breath.
Not enough?
Take two.

Someday,
I will need to pretend
no more.

But for tonight,
let me feel lonely
and cry.

No - don't leave! Don't let the picture fool you: I'm Asian, but I speak perfect Engrish!

Ok, I noticed that I posted a whole lot of pictures of ASIANS lately. Hah! Don't mean to scare you guys away. No, no, don't tell me that it doesn't make a difference - it does. People who are used to being around others who have the same skin color often are a little apprehensive when dealing with those who are different. It's often not intentional, it's fine.

Even I am a little apprehensive about approaching other Asians. I'm afraid they won't speak English... or that if I speak good English to them instead of Chinese (my Chinese is TERRIBLE! 6 years of elementary school gone to waste) they will think I'm snooty or something. Bah. I feel different from them and I keep my distance. I understand perfectly when people do it.

I forget that I'm Chinese alot. I look into the mirror and I think I'm different from all the other Chinese. I may be, but I sure don't LOOK any different! I've looked at other interracial couples on campus and though "That just looks WRONG!" Hehe. What a hypocrite.

The biggest compliment someone ever paid me from reading this blog was "I thought you were American!" Thanks :D

So to balance the pictures out some, here's a pic of a total hunk. We were in Hawaii together then in the Spring. Look at the silly grins on our faces. We knew each other for 3 weeks, dated for two then I had to leave for home.

*sigh* It was way too quick.
We can't even continue it when I get back to Hawaii now.

Ok, I've turned a perfectly good blog sad. At least I got to talk to him today. What more can a girl ask for?

More personality tests and junk.

I'm addicted to these things. I can't believe I actually took a test to find out what horrible affliction I am. At least I'm not syphillis. loL! :D

Ok... so, thanks to Matthew (wrong Matthew - NOT my exboyfriend) I took this personality test that determined me to be an ENFP

EXTROVERTED
INTUITIVE
FEELING
PERCEPTION

The opposites would be introverted, sensing,Thinking (what, I don't THINK?! loL! Ok, so I don't) and judgement

These are some things it said that hit right on:

"You hate to be boxed into anything -- like a career -- for life...so you hesitate and resist making decisions"
I end up letting them being made for me. I complain about it, but I'd rather blame someone else.

"You like a learning environment where the teacher takes a personal interest in you"
Heck yeah. I MAKE sure the teacher knows who I am in the class. I tend to skip alot of classes (due to lack of desire to attend) in the courses where the teacher still doesn't know my name or at least recognize me. Hey, I'm a good student (when I do my homework), I want some recognition!

"Your style of organization is... well, personalized."
Organization - what's that?

Oh, hello, here's a little something about looooove. My topic of choice.

"When you fall in love, you study the other person in every way. The one you fall in love with is "the best ever" a lot, huh? Sheesh. But others feel unconditionally loved by you ....you fall head over heels and get in love FAST."
Do you really feel unconditionally loved by me? I hope that's true, because it sure feels that way.

Last part: "Watch out for losing your focus 'cause you wanna try too many ideas at the same time... you don't prioritize, so you can overload...also, because you're just a fun-loving animal, you might not complete important work and basic responsibilities..."
Hah! My dad could testify to that.

The rest of it was just flattering stuff (like how full of life I am, and caring etc.) that I already knew. *grin* (Honestly, they just put that in so you don't complain about what a messed up test they made)

So, hows about I let you know what my New-Year's resolutions were...?

Uhm. Freak - what did I do with the list?!

A picture paints a thousand words.

I didn't remember to take pictures till towards the end of the party and the little I have won't interest you. However, I did let my brother Ray (he's 6)(yes he's just as cheeky as he looks) mess with my mom's digital camera when I was done with it. Imagine my shock when I finally saw what he had taken.





Brace yourself.




Oh wow. King Saik. Nice... good choice of someone to take a picture of too, Ray.





Loh. I neglected to take a pic of him. I suppose this'll have to do. Besides, he's really tall - this about captured it.




Uhm... ok. Very - uh - artistic!



And finally the clincher? You ready for this?



A picture paints a thousand words - but all I could think of was "WAAAUGH!"



I swear! It was Ray!!!

I wonder whose that was....