And then my heart does a double take.

There are other non-relationship updates that I do have to blog about, but it's not what I need to talk about right now. So. Yes. It may look like this is all there is to me. But I know better, and you should too.

If I was to write a blog last week about how Mark and I were doing - which I was - I would've said something to the effect of:

"I think we've finally grown apart. I don't spend my day waiting to talk to him anymore. I keep busy and for some reason, don't put alot of effort into the conversation time that I do get with Mark. Maybe I really am moving on."

Well. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just PMSsing, but these past few nights when I finally have talked to Mark, I've had this tugging feeling inside me. I don't know how to explain it. It's the kind of feeling you get when you're suddenly aware of a big empty spot inside of you and then a lump starts forming at your throat (no reference to my infected lymph node) It's just a very lonely longing feeling. Yeah. That's what I've been feeling.

We actually had a really good conversation today. I don't remember the last time we had one. We've been talking about breaking it off completely for a couple of weeks so we can go to being really just friends. Why couldn't we have done it earlier while I let myself get distracted? The fact that it's hard now is more reason why I need to do it.

But I don't want to talk about that. I'm just trying to figure out why I am suddenly longing for him again. I did a pretty good job turning my entire focus to being sick and playing old-school computer games for a while. Why can't it be permanant?

Part of the problem could be that I'm afraid of growing apart from Mark so I've subconciously made myself go backwards so that I won't.

Is this just me, or is this normal in every relationship?

Maybe I just have relationship ADD.

Part of me wonders if maybe I have separated Mark as a person from Mark the boyfriend and I decided that I want Mark because of who he is. It's so strange. Just recently, I decided that I don't want to be dependant on relationships.

There is a girl I know and am sort of friends with who we label as "desperate". Now this may sound mean, and yes, I do over exaggerate when I talk about her. She is a nice girl, I know for a fact, but to help simplify the comparison I'm going to draw, we can just ignore any good and just focus on her particular weakness ok? (And if she reads this, I've been dying to shake it out of her anyway)

Basically, this girl is a go getter. She's always got her "targets" and she will make her intentions clear. Now, nothing wrong with that right? We may all be wrong in labelling her as "desperate", but it really seems like she will take what she can get. As far as I can tell, she has honed in on about every guy she's come in daily (or close anyway) contact with. They are terrified of her. She does have a disadvantage, though. Most people won't find her physically attractive. I think she knows that (I wish we could change that) and is insecure therefore pounces on the first guy who will give her any attention. Put that together with the boldness and the lack of a fashion sense and you get one girl you stay the heck away from!

Why did I bring her up? Well, I compared myself to her, especially after the whole Joel episode. I think of myself as having the capacity to being pretty dang cute, (yes, I am so modest, can you tell?) but not everyone sees it, of course. What if I was that girl to Joel. The girl you'd stay the heck away from? Too much boldness can put guys off. I always look around for guys to like. I think it's great fun to have a crush (or in some extreme cases an obsession) and in many ways, as much as I hate to admit it, I am looking for a future spouse. Always have been.

Pretty desperate sounding, I'd say.

I'd like to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I don't think I like every guy I come in contact with - there are alot of things on my "list" that causes me to cross guys off pretty quick. I don't think I crave attention. Ok. So I have a whole blog about me. So maybe I do. But not from the guys around me. Then again, I get plenty all the time therefore no need to really crave it.

I remember talking to my roommate about this once, and she said something to the effect of, "But you're different! You're cute!"

Hehe. What do unattractive people need to live by different dating rules? That would be unfair. Besides, who decides what is unttractive anyway?

Our certain friend had a happy ending, it looks like. She has a boyfriend. Yes. Almost all of us responded with "HOW COME SHE GETS A BOYFRIEND??!!" Mean, but I didn't say I was always nice. I try but I am human too.

So yeah, we're jealous at her good fortune, but really, we're relieved - especially the guys for obvious reasons. Also, it's with a guy none of us cared to date anyway so it's not like she took away something we wanted. Still, as her friend, we worry that she's settling. They don't look like the most compatatible couple. But we hope that maybe they really are happy with each other. She deserves to have something good happen in her life anyway. What with her friends talking about her like this all the time. She deserves to get a good "Boo-ya" in.

Anyway. I wondered if maybe some outside observer saw me like I see this girl friend of mine. I don't want to get into another relationship yet, not just because I'm not ready (which should need to be my only reason), but because I don't want it to look like I just took the next guy available.

In English, all I'm saying is that Joel didn't like me back and I'd like to prove to him that I don't need to stoop to that level. I want him to see that I've moved on from him (that was actually easy, I saw him and said hi to him on Sunday, but his name escaped me, that was so cool!) without transfering that attention to a new cute guy or whatever guy I could get my hands on.

So maybe that's why I'm turning back to Mark.

It could also be that I've decided that none of the guys that I know now peak my interest and unless I meet someone new who is not shallow or younger than I am, I'll just have to get used to not having a crush. And because I can't NOT have a crush, despite what I would like to be, I am falling back in love with Mark again.

Maybe it was really that simple.

But Mark really is amazingly attractive. And not just on the outside.

I just can't go there. Everything I do to preserve our relationship only brings more pain. We're both the biggest masochists in the world.

Whatever it is that is causing me to feel, the fact is that I feel all the emotions from our breakup coming back to me. The hurt. Wishing he hadn't left. Longing for him to change his mind. Feeling like he threw everything we had away. And oh the loneliness.

I wonder how long it will take before I turn him completely into the bad guy and start calling him nasty things and be bitter for months.

He's just a hard guy to get over, despite what he thinks.

Why else would I still be crying over him?