Pining for youth.

For the second time, I have watched the movie Peter Pan. Once again, it has me baffled as to why I shed tears over it.

The plot is bizarre and the mood very surreal; yet, I love it. At first I thought that I loved the movie simply because it was so true to the story I grew familiar with as a child. Purely sentimental reasons. Then I became aware of the intense feeling that overcame me, one very much resembling homesickness. I cried.

It was not my family that I was pining for, although I do miss them very much, nor was I having a moment of melancholy from single-dom. That usually is the case, but not today. No, there was something so magical that touched me. I think that in the enchantment, I was brought back to my childhood and suddenly realized how far away I am from the innocence and how much farther I will continue to grow from it everyday.

The movie was so beautifully done because the theme of resisting the aging process was accented by reminding us "grown ups" through our favorite stories of pirates, indians and fairies, just how much fun it was to be a kid. I can't say I remember what it felt like, but something in that movie stirred a faint memory inside me and all I can remember now is just how much I miss it.

I wonder what I feel I am lacking. Aparently, it's important enough to have made a puddle of tears on my carpet.

Of course I miss my imagination, the ability to play pretend for hours, the toys and simple pleasures. But I am not unhappy now. I still live a rather care-free life and I still look ahead to the future with optimism. To me, the world is my oyster. And I am still invincible. I still love Christmas and rainbows, pretty dresses and pigtails. I haven't lost youth completely.

Yet, there's just a little something that has gone. Something that I outgrew by accident and is now unretrievable. And that's why I'm crying.

Instead of looking back and dwelling on what I have lost, I can choose to think of what I have to gain. There's so much more to learn, more to see than a lifetime would be sufficient for. With growth comes new experiences, new sensations, new emotions, a deeper understanding and appreciation for life. Depth. The older I get, the more I can perceive it.

It's like I'm at the optometrist's getting a prescription for my vision. With each year, a new lense is added on and the world becomes clearer and sharper. Ignorance is bliss, I would say. The clearer you see, the more obvious the flaws and ugly things of this world become. On the other hand, you appreciate what you once thought was beautiful with more detail. Life becomes more intricate. You just have to decide what you want to see with your new eyesight.

There's so much that I don't know lying ahead of me. I know that as time passes, I will grow more and more jaded and will replace my youth with wisdom and insight. There will be less to look forward to, and more to look back on and miss - in a manner not unlike this. But whatever magic I do lose with age, despite my constant efforts to fight it, I will always be able to find it in the children around me. I can savor their enjoyment for the simple pleasures in life. It must be a wonderful feeling for parents to watch their childhood self be reincarnated in children of their own. I can only anticipate such a blessing in my future. But what excitement the thought brings.

Ah, to live would be such an adventure!