Christmas blues and all that jazz.

Time for Faye's favorite time of the year.

Christmas is without argument the best holiday there is. I don't mind that it's commercialized. I love it when people go all out with lights and decorations and the air is filled with good cheer. You have an excuse to go gift shopping, or expect gifts, eat lots of candy, sing those fun Christmas carols, but the best part is that there is actual spiritual meaning to back it up. That's what makes this holiday the most special time of year.

I also love how the Christmas season lasts all month long. Christmas day itself is pretty anti-climatic. I'm always so sad when it's over and you have to pack all that holiday cheer away along with the decorations.

I was severely in the Christmas mood today if you can't already tell by my holiday template. I put my only Christmas CD in my stereo and proceeded to download more Christmas music onto my computer. All jazz. I don't have to listen to anything but this whole month. I'm exited. I do feel, however, that there are way too few well-loved Christmas songs out there. They don't come out with new hits very often so in the meantime, we're stuck singing the same few ones. Not that I'm complaining, but I really don't need 15 renditions of "Silent Night" on my computer.

Something about the season has given me a twinge of home-sickness. Knowing how rarely I think of home, it's a big deal to miss it. I'm not able to go home for Christmas this year because of my scholarship (I can only return home after 1 year, and I've only been here for 6 months) and I will be celebrating my first Christmas away from home right here in beautiful Hawaii. I didn't make the best of last Christmas when I was home for that. I regret that now. My only consolation is that I have my sister here with me. It's such a blessing.

All my friends will be returning home for a couple of weeks to be with their families for the holidays. The only people really left here will be the other sponsored international students like myself.

Being away from home, I have to find the Christmas spirit within myself and I find myself trying to make my own traditions so I can still have a fun Christmas on my own. I went to the last part of the Christmas Tree lighting they had here for the community. Santa Claus stopped by, much to the delight of his many little fans. It just made me miss home more. If I could have a wish for Christmas, I would wish for my family to be here with me. Not just my parents, even though I love them dearly, I wish my little brothers could be here. I can imagine myself showing Ray around, and he'd be talking my ear off the whole time, and my friends would all think he was so cute. He's growing up way too fast without me.

Along with home-sickness comes the guilt from wishing I had a special someone to celebrate this holiday with. Just like everyone else. I've never had a significant other to celebrate Christmas with before, and it hasn't really interfered with my excitement, so I'm not too worried. It's just something to look forward to. I have to admit that I find myself wondering what I'd be doing if Mark hadn't left and if we were still dating. I've recovered from the breakup for the most part, but until I'm in a new relationship, I will always look back and miss the companionship. Holidays mean so much more when you have loved ones to make memories with.

Despite all the reasons I have to feel lonely and blue, I am not having a hard time being jolly. I'm always carrying some Christmas carol in my head, and I've found myself singing out loud when walking home. Since it's actually Christmastime, it doesn't look too weird. Although a girl I walked past asked me what I was so happy about. I didn't even conscioulsy realize that I was happy. I guess I was. It's a great feeling.

I apologize this post wasn't as well thought out as I had intended it to be. I just needed to write this down briefly so I could remember my Christmas here in Hawaii. There will be more posts about spending my first Christmas away from home, I'm sure. But for now, homework and responsibility calls me. When school is finally over, Christmas will finally be in full throttle.