Comment: On Feminism.

I started to write my reply to all the comments to my post on Education vs. Early Motherhood and it went on and on and on and on. The post itself wasn't well thought out, just an initial reaction to something that I felt I needed to write down so I could pursue that train of thought. Thanks to the comments, I have had much more time to ruminate on the issue. Here is the duplicate of my thoughts:

I think the reason so many of us reacted the way we did wasn't because Mike's opinion angered us, but more of the way he voiced it.

Opinions by themselves mostly pose no personal threat. It would be quite an angry world if we all took personal offense to anyone with a different opinion.

What many of us lack, myself included, is the ability to voice our different views in a manner which is tactful and polite, maintaining that respect for others.

That's really hard to convey in just text where tone of voice can't play in the context.

What I feel brings a great deal of maturity to a discussion is a certain level of respect (there's that word again) and open mindedness. Humility is essential. Willing to admit that you don't have all the answers and that you can be wrong helps set a nice tone to any discussion.

Thanks for voicing your opinion, Mike, it certainly produced a great discussion thread right here on my blog. You're a cool friend.

So guys, BE NICE. You can critique his opinion, but lay off any kind of personal attack. I apologize if I sounded less than nice in my retort. I didn't mean it to come out that way.

I would like to defend myself though, in saying that I didn't call you narrow minded. I simply wanted to let you know that it was my first reaction, and then I realized that I was in danger of being narrow minded myself, so I retracted it.

In response to "can you say you've thought about it as much as I have"? Yes, Mike I have. Being a woman, this is directly relevant to me. And I have a couple of years on you *wink*. There's a good possibility that I have thought about it just as much as you have if not more.

Why I don't know my feelings about it yet? You’re making a big assumption there. Just because I am trying to keep my opinions open for change does not mean that that I don’t have one of my own. I do have a general idea on what my feelings are. Otherwise I would not have been sparked to anger by that talk, or by your comments. What I lack is a complete understanding of what my opinion entails. That’s why we’re having this discussion. Being able to organize my general feelings and putting them down in writing solidifies them, like jelly in a mould.

My previous opinion, the one I grew up with my entire life (and I thought it was pretty resolute) was that mothers should always stay at home. My mother didn't get to go to college before. She stayed at home to raise us, and I always talked about how noble a sacrifice it was. And then there was that midlife crisis. She went back to school, and now she is an interior designer. That took a lot of readjusting on my part. I thought it was wonderful that my mother was getting self-fulfillment, but being her child, I wanted to be selfish and say "HEY, WHAT ABOUT US? Being at home with us isn’t enough to make you happy?" The truth is that we've always remained her priority. While being a self-actualized individual, she can't help but be always, first, a mother.

I’ve come to realize that in many situations, there is no clear right or wrong. Sometimes there is good and better, and sometimes there is just different. My mother was a stay-at-home-mom for most of my childhood while most of my friends had mothers who worked. Can you honestly say that I turned out better than all of them? There is no one right way to be a good parent. While some things are always wrong – like beating them up or any kind of sex abuse (of course, that is also based on an assumption – but I trust this is the common consent) because something works in one situation doesn’t mean that it will in another.

There are many ways to do the right thing. What it boils down to in the end is not just WHAT you do but HOW you do it as well.

When I said that I had hoped that not everyone would share your opinion, I wasn’t trying to say that you were wrong. I just hoped that there would be someone out there who would share more of my views for compatibility's sake. It would be terrible being married to a permanent guilt-trip.

Foolish had a point in saying that it probably would be a good idea to vocalize your opinion in order to avoid such a conflict within your marriage.

Foolish, I appreciate your pointing out some of the faulty assumptions, but I do feel that it did might have come out as if it was a personal attack against Mike. I think that we might have made some untrue/hasty assumptions about his opinion. Although, I have a feeling that we could have the same type of discussion if we had been debating on what color the ocean was. I’m glad that’s over with.

Jolley - Thank you for pointing out that an education/career does not have to do with the pursuit of money (the basic assumption here is that choosing money over nurturing a family is a bad thing) but more of a fulfillment of potential. I have learned about the importance of an education from my very own mother. I remember there was a point in my childhood where I didn’t care about school or homework (ok, so it was more like a phase… a very long phase) and I said to my mom “Why? I only want to be a mother anyway!” and it made her so mad. I didn’t understand it.

While I still seek fulfillment in motherhood, my view has certainly changed since then.

It's not that you can't be happy without an education, there are plenty of uneducated people who are happy. But just because you can find happiness living in a slum doesn't mean that it's not a good idea to get out.

To me, true happiness is all about options. Choices. Being in control of your life.

If it be a woman's choice to sacrifice her education to nurture her family, I think that is a very noble cause. I just hope that it is a conscious choice: one that she will choose to make again every day of her life and not look back on in regret.

Katie - I agree that for many women, raising children could very well be their life calling. Their career. Some women are wonderful at it.

My mom would get ticked when people would say that she didn't work. “You think I just sit at home all day doing nothing? Raising children and keeping house is hard work!” I paraphrased a little, but that’s the gist of what she would say. I remember being in 3 grade telling my friends that too. “My mom works! She just works at home!!! Raising children is hard work, you know!”

It’s different kind of work. A different kind of challenge. Some people enjoy it more than others. I just think that everyone should be allowed to choose if that challenge is for them without being judged for it.

Vasu, thank you for bringing up the fact that you were raised by a working mother. Case in point. Vasu is one of the finest people I know. Also, I really appreciate how you pointed out compatibility, companionship and equality. Intelligent conversations. I met someone once (not a member) who had pushed his wife to get a PHD while he was working on his so that he wouldn’t be a step above her. He made plenty of money for the both of them, so she could stay at home and be a mother. But she had a PHD. I think that is wonderful.

All we have been raised with the knowledge that the role of men and women are different. Here’s what I’ve learned in psych: you can’t generalize that most men are like this and most women are like that because the diversity between the men themselves and the women alone is far too great. Likewise, more than focusing on what women should be doing in general, let’s remember to look at it case by case.

Well said, D-Train. Thank you for pointing out the relationship between love and working – especially on the father’s part. If children should be a parent’s priority because you are responsible for the life you bring in, what would be your opinion on men and women who choose not to have children? I realize is a separate issue altogether. They have talked about it on Feminist Mormon Housewives. Along with a whole lot of other things. We’re only skimming the surface. These people have put so much more thought into these matters. Boy do I strive to be like them. .

Thank you for commenting everyone. It certainly has helped me to solidify my view. Everyone attacks each issue from a different angle and it has made the picture clearer for me. I know there are many of you who have read, but have not shared your opinion. Please do. Everyone has had different experiences – it’s great to be able to learn from each other.

I’ve changed my mind. While what you do and how you do it is important, I think it’s important for us to look at the consequences. This discussion is purely hypothetical. One day, we will all have to put our opinions into practice. Hopefully, we all can find a way to make them work to yield the best results possible. If not, may we all be open minded enough to change.