Sunday, March 06, 2005

Private Diary vs. Public Blog.

Ready? Here's another blog about blogging:

As much as I would love to take the credit, it was Jared who first began this blogging trend within our social group. His predecessors were Wendy and Steph. When he first started, he would write about a lot of personal experiences and feelings. That's mostly what my blog was for as well. This post, written way back when is a good example.

I've been doing a good bit of blog analyzing lately (remember, psych major - that's what I do: I analyze people, and the things they think, say, do and now blog) and have become more observant of the content of each blog in relationship to the perceived audience of every blogger.

Who is it that we are addressing when we write blog entries? How is it different from a private journal? How does that affect the content?

When I first stepped into the world of blogging, I had every intention of keeping it a private journal. I remember quite distinctly addressing my ex-boyfriends, my parents and even myself. I would say things I didn't dare or have the chance to express in real life. It was an imaginary audience. Just like we often began private journal entries with "Dear Diary", I formed a relationship with my blog. He (yes, I said he, not it) became my confidant, my best friend. Almost as soon as I had began, I opened my blog up to just Jared and Mark (ex-boyfriends, and previous confidants). My writing remained very personalized, just like a conversation with someone. Something I would put in an email and send out to close friend. My blog was like the transcript of the conversations I would hold with myself in my most private thoughts.

Every human being, I believe, has the basic desire to be heard. Babies instinctively cry when they need to be attended to. When you discover your own voice, you want people to listen. I began to crave attention and basically had this publicity campaign for my blog, emailing the link to every one I didn't mind having an "in" to my head, even though the content was highly personal. So, my readership increased just slightly, with a few people here and there really caring about what I had to say about my life. Blogging became more fun. It was like being on stage performing. I love being in the spotlight.

At the same time, Jared's blog became increasingly popular. He's a popular person, things like that transfer over into cyberspace sometimes. I'm not sure if the switch was concious or not, but (all of the sudden, or gradually, I do not know) the personal, the-Jared-I-know posts disappeared and were replaced by the entertaining posts to show of his cynical humor, every once in a while involving significant events in his life. It seems that he always wrote to an audience (maybe we all have these imaginary witnesses to our lives), but there was a definite shift in content.

Just recently, Judge also killed his blog in a sense. He still posts in it, but he keeps having to remind people that that's not a journal anymore. It's a place for thoughts and short stories.

Nearly every blogger I know still continues to write in a private journal, whether on paper or on a hidden blog. Blogging has become a social thing, not the place for intimate thoughts.

Not so with me. This blog has replaced my personal diary. I began writing in here so that I could have room to truly be myself and it really has helped me discover exactly who that is. It bothers me that this separation has to exist. I mean, I even have a hard time posting in 2 blogs. I started "The Caf" so that we could post and discuss thoughts that were detatched from our personal lives. But this blog is me. I am a product of my thoughts and I am reluctant to separate my intellect from my identity. At least that's what it feels like to me. I'd rather avoid the ambiguity of a public and private personality.

Yet, I have noticed that I don't treat this place like a private journal anymore. I haven't addressed any of the underlying themes and issues in my life at all. I have only hinted at a couple here and there. I started to write a blog about an issue I had faced a couple of weeks ago now about feeling unattractive, but I found myself writing about it in the past tense because I had already resolved the issue. It felt strange writing like that, so the draft remains incomplete. It's like waiting to go to confess to the bishop only after you've overcome the problem where he should be the one to help you resolve it. I should have written about it before, and dealt with it that way instead of trying to mask my weakness and only speaking of it in the past tense. I have also become so careful with the language that I write with. Trying to impress? Instead of writing down what I think and feel, I think about how to write what I should feel.

Something happened. I have become self-conscious. Where blogging initially helped me to be truly honest with myself and face my biggest weaknesses, now I use it more as an escape. I've become so focused on pleasing my audience that I have neglected my own emotional growth. I have, in a sense, become a sell-out.

One of the reasons I have been blogging less and less is because I don't write about the little things that are going on in my life anymore. I wait till I feel like I have something comment-worthy to say before sitting down and writing. I have developed this fear of writing about something unimportant or uniteresting that I haven't allowed myself any weaknesses. As a result, I have belittled my own follies and have chosen to ignore them as opposed to admitting them and dealing with them. In trying hard to look good on paper, I have become less of myself because I'm constantly worried about what people would think of me. Does the "fake it till you make it" rule apply here?

I think it's wonderful that I have been putting so much thought into the bigger issues like feminism and different philosophies that I have personlaized. I have grown so much intellectually in just this semester alone, but that's not all I want to be. I enjoy reading a wide variety of blogs. The intellectual, the humorous, but the ones I enjoy the most are the most deeply personal ones. Introspectre, for example, has my utmost respect because she is so in tune with herself. I love reading her blog because it exubes personality. She writes so openly about the issues that haunt her consciousness and her life, but still manages to crack me up with the little fun things she puts on there. Through her writing, I can sense a genuine connection to life. Not some superficial, high-gloss, "let's talk about living" blog. In essence, I want to be like her because she is real.

Ah. The irony. I think someone I have never met is real.

I am not sure what I need to do to get back in touch with myself. There are some things that really may be too private to put on here. How will I be able to become the blogger I idealize? How necessary is being completely open? Too much disclosure could be harmful. Some things are meant to be kept secret. I guess thinking/blogging about it is a good start.

However impractical it may be, I will fight having to write in different places for different purposes. That feels to me like cutting up my body into pieces and organizing them into boxes. Not every person will appreciate every single thing that I have to say, and there may be little connection between the different sides of Fei, but hey, this is who I am. An integrated whole of strengths and weakenesses.

It's the popsicle rule: you get what you get.

61 Comments:

Post a Comment

3/06/2005 03:56:00 PM

My blog doesn't really display much of my thoughts and feelings, they are mostly an account of what happened. Although sometimes when I get really mad at something, I go to my blog to complain. The funny thing is that when I am happy, I don't seem to have anything to say at my blog...

Just like you, my blog has also replaced my journal I used to keep :P

Posted by Blogger BH 

3/06/2005 05:18:00 PM

Interesting that this would be posted now as this has been on my mind the last while. since finding out that there are other people reading what i write down i noticed that i am going to have to be very careful not to force the issue. I have never written on a regular basis because i dont always have feelings strong enough to write about. it has always been a place for me to write the things that matter to me at the time. So I am with you in that respect. that and I never really had a journal to start with. This is the closest i have ever come to writing in a journal and it really has been nice to be able to open and say what i feel regardless of what people might think. Hopefully i will continue to feel that way and be able to speak freely regardless. to quote from a movie i just watched. "I don't have to tell you what a comfort anonymity can be in my line of work. It's like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket." the inherant power in a screen name.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous 

3/06/2005 09:58:00 PM

It's interesting to see what people come up with when you give them an empty space to use. Watching people use their blogs, is almost like watching people live. Everyone does it a little differently. The variety is wonderful.

Han, I'm glad that you blog, that's how I catch up with what's going on back home.

Kiril, writing a journal is so liberating to me. It's like being allowed to breathe in a world that tries to teach you not to.

As far as anonymity goes, I think I am too far beyond that point. I understand how one can find comfort in that - that's what I love about the city, just being able to hide. However, I don't think I enjoy it as much as actually being recognized.

To me, part of being an integrated whole is attaching my name to what I say. People can bring in whatever impression they have of me that's linked to my name to what I write. Like connecting the dots, it makes the picture much clearer.

I don't really have anything against pseudo names for protection of privacy, but I usually prefer when people's identity can be traced. Still, I understand how it sometimes is nice to have your usual role detatched from what you have to say so that it doesn't get discounted for what it really is.

Personally though, I want what I say to be traced back to me. That means that I have to be more aware of the identity I am setting up for myself, apply more caution in what I choose to say, and align the person that I am in every situation so that the is incongruency is minimal.

Posted by Blogger Fei 

3/09/2005 06:20:00 PM

To be completely honest in your feelings and opinions is to be drastically different to most people.

My blog is titled, 'Truth = Trouble'. I daresay if everyone were completely honest about everything they thought and felt, most of us would be declared insane. If this happened, we'd all be normal. If insanity becomes the new norm, real insanity may become the old normality, ie, hiding your feelings, bottling things up until you get stomache ulcers etc...

You are right, we all pose, even when we don't want to... but fear makes us do it. Recrimination, revenge, pain of varying types. We don't want to hurt anymore than we want to be hurt.

To this end, we all bite our tongues and swallow our pride at times to save hurt (for ourselves and others). This is not a bad or good thing... it just 'is'.

Morality, good, bad... they are subjective and they change as old traditions are replaced by newer ones (often slight variations of the original ones). Everything evolves, including thoughts... and who are you to judge yourself so harshly if, indeed, we all change so much over time?

I put forward that you cannot, for everyone is exactly like you. We all lie to ourselves, friends and family to save hurt and it will catch up with us eventually. I believe Hindu religions refer to it as 'Karma'.

Perhaps advice is not what you are seeking, but if it were sought from me, I would say just 'be'.

Treat others opinions as you would your own... evaluate them on their merits, use your judgement, but don't buy into them being 'bad' or 'good'. You don't need to rank it and if you read everything you ever wrote 10 years from now, you wouldn't recognise yourself and you'd wonder why you wrote like that in the first place.

Grow as a person, be true to yourself and don't worry about it... one day you'll realise it isn't what you wrote, or what you did, but whether or not it helped... and be prepared to look back on yourself thinking, 'Man, I was such an idiot back then.'

Cheers from Australia.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous 

3/10/2005 04:11:00 AM

Awwwwwww.....
you got me all choked up. I'm blushing. No, really.

I understand your point. You being one of maybe 4 people who know my Introspectre blog and then my Friendster blog, you can se the difference. Pretty major.

I've been having a blog dilemma, too. I got sucked in by MySpace (sucky blog) and Friendsters blog (sucky also, I LOVE BLOGSPOT!) and it suddenly occurs to me: I have blogging schizophrenia! HA HA! What do I use each seperate blog for?
Eh (shrug) I've basically posted in my alternate blogs that I won't be in there much, and then I feel this pinch of ego, to have someone attach my face to a mediocre blog. Ah, the rub- blogging is supposed to be about me finding myself, not me inflating my ego through other peoples opinions of my writing...hmmmm....

So I have decided Intro will always be my REAL blog, and that's why it remains anonymous. Friendster and MySPace can have my face on them, but they won't ever know the real me because of it. Interesting, no?

One of my favorite qoutes:
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -Anais Nin

ps) I AM real! You should meet me. Solve that whole kooky reality crisis thing. ~giggles~ I can see it now:
we sit at table, confused by the three dimensionality of the other, looking for keyboards on which to communicate but none are there... AAAHHHH!

pss) I see the countdown is down to hours! I got all twitterpated! EEEP!

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