China and concrete shatter.

Thank you Justin, for the intellectual stimulation you always provide. For posing the wonderfully thought provoking question for some: "What do you like about yourself". I should know better, but I was surprised at how unprepared or reluctant people could be in responding.

It was a good night's worth of conversation. People should think about that more often.

For someone who strives for self-understanding and acceptance, it didn't take long before I came up with a few key things that I feel are my strengths. I sat down and made a list once. I remember feeling so good about myself after.

I was intrigued at the difficulty Su and Rob had in sharing what it was that they liked most about themselves. I concluded that there are a number of reasons why that could be a difficult question to answer.

1) Maybe a cultural thing, but there could be a reluctance to acknowledge our strengths for fear of coming across as cocky. Or boastful.

2) A shaky self-esteem, perhaps. Somebody who is accustomed to focusing on their faults, and things about themselves that they don't like may have a hard time shifting into thinking about the good things instead.

3) It may be that you could silently know your strengths but are afraid to voice them for fear that others may disagree.

4) Perhaps it's simply because they haven't put any thought into it at all before. I would contend that such a case would be highly unlikely, but just because I like to think about myself doesn't mean that most everyone else does too.

5) It could even be that some people have reached a level of self-acceptance where they understand who they are, but don't favor certain characteristics above others.

6) Or, as I learned tonight, it could be that you're in the middle of changing who you are and are as yet, unfamiliar with the strengths of this "new self".

Whatever the reason (let me know if you know of more), it seems essential to me for one to have a good feel for his/her own strenghts. Life is so much easier to handle when you know which angle to approach it with. Knowing your strengths is important when choosing your battles. Plus, I'm a big fan of self-confidence.

I also love the commandment "love thy neighbor as thyself". You have to start with a love for yourself, before balancing it with love for others. With more appreciation for your own strengths and weaknesses, comes increased capacity to love and appreciate others.

Anyway, enough preaching to the choir. I just thought that was a really good discussion and had to do it justice by blogging.

Another blogworthy though:
In reference to being flexible, Rob shared this piece of wisdom with us: concrete shatters. You don't have to be bendy like rubber. But wood is firm, not brittle. Don't know why that impressed me, it seems familiar, almost, but I'm storing it in my mental library for future reference.

Now, on a completely unrelated note: Beijing.

Oh the frustrations. Today was a much more hopeful day after discussing the what ifs with Matthew. But that's because I didn't talk to any of the "authorities" about actually getting there today. Yesterday was utterly discouraging.

It seems that everyone I have approached to for help in getting myself over there for this Summer has been trying to dissuade me from going. "No, no, IWES will require you to work at the PCC during the Summer" "A deferment? Don't even bother with that!" "Your major doesn't require an internship." "You should just stay here and do an internship at the PCC instead."

Isn't the School supposed to help me accomplish my personal academic/life goals instead of prescribing a set way of doing things. "No, no. This is what we want you to do."

When I first thought of going to China, I was confident that the school would like the idea. Maybe even FUND my trip over there. Doesn't it support the mission of the school? Wouldn't leaving this place and living in a foreign country, working in my field of study, for a little while be cultivating leadership and give me a unique set of experiences that will prepare me for my service to the world in the future? I can be an ambassador of peace.

So far no one has been really helpful. Instead of saying "ooh, that's a GREAT idea, let me see what I can do to help you", they've said "Ooh, I don't know... maybe you should see so-so if you really want to go." They've just been sending me from one person to another.

However, I did get a Major Academic Plan (MAP) done with my academic advisor. I have to say, it is rather scary to have to look at a piece of paper that has my future for the next 2 years written on it. I don't like tracks much. Makes me feel trapped. But it's good to have a plan. Also, after scheduling all the classes I need to graduate with a psych degree, I still had room for electives. I had enough credits left for a minor in TESOL (teaching English as a second language)! How exciting! When I'm done with school, I will have a degree in pyschology, with minors in both Music and TESOL. What accomplishment.

So China was looking bleak for this summer. I don't know yet. I'm not giving up that easy. I talked to Mom and Dad about it Sunday night. Right after I was shot down by my academic advisor, I was reminded of Dad's advice. I know I'm paraphrasing badly, but what I got from it was that you can dream anything, but in order to make it happen you have to be dedicated to the idea. Dreams are bought with a price. I have to be willing to fall on my face over and over. This is a test of will for me. The refiner's fire for my desire. (Hey, that rhymes) If I give up at the slightest oposition, then it must not be all that important to me.

A matter of deciding on priorities. It's tough.

So much of my relationship with Matthew hangs on us being in the same place at the same time. Our hopes are set on Beijing for this Summer. Take that away and we're at a loss.

It's a time of conflict and decision for me. If I don't get to Beijing, will I need to let go of this relationship, just like I had to end my last one? Is it really sensible to keep this long distance thing up? What if I DO go to Beijing. I come back in the Fall and continue with school. But Matt will be studying abroad in Singapore the semester after that. For a year. I could be there too. But don't I need to stay here and finish my education? Two years is a while. Shouldn't I work on graduating ASAP? Maybe I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

I wanted so much to believe that this is it. Is it really? It could be.

I don't believe in "the one". This complicates things. If I believed that Matthew was "the one" person I could not pass up or I'd regret it for the rest of my life, never being able to find someone as wonderful ever again, it would make things so much simpler. But I don't believe in being able to find only one person. I believe that if now is not the time, there will be someone to be found later. Much later, maybe. Guys as wonderful as that are one in a couple of million. I figure the world's population is pretty large. There will never be another person just like him, but there will be one who could match me in different ways.

But what am I saying? This is me trying to be detatched and objective and rational. My heart says "You can't freakin' give this guy up!" "You HAVE to marry him! You have to do whatever it takes to make it happen!" Who says that I had to completely give up anyway? You could just put the relationship on hold. It'd probably be quicker than waiting for someone just as good to come along. I can't do the "put on hold" thing though. I'm too much familiar with ultimatums. The only way I know how to do it is to cut it off completely and start looking around here, forgetting about what I have in New York. By the time things could work, I may already have talked myself out of being attracted to him. Sounds weird? It's happened before.

Eventually, I'll have to make a choice. What do I want. My parents told me that (again, poor paraphrasing) I can choose any path I think will bring me happiness. But ultimately, I need to be willing to face whatever life dishes out afterwards without looking back in regret.

So maybe I just need to decide now if a future(or even just 2 months) with Matthew is worth whatever I need to sacrifice to achieve it. It's my life - I get to choose what carries the most weight in determining my happiness.

It's so scary when you realize that choices aren't always black and white or right vs. wrong. They're just different. And only I can decide which one I like better.

I need to remember that I'm not alone. There is always the Q&A session I get to have every night on my knees. That's a comfort.

More than the big things, I just need to focus now on the little nitty-gritty details of just the possibility (financial, mostly) of getting to Beijing. All other worries can follow after.

This is where the rubber hits the concrete. Hmmm. Concrete. My dreams aren't completely set yet. Just as a safety measure to keep them from shattering.