IT WORKED, IT WORKED!!!

Just that once, maybe! But it worked!

I'm a genius!!!!!!!! Self-taught computer geek. Get that straight. Uhuh.

This means that all I have to do is decide on a new hosting provider: one that is NOT based in Malaysia and has 99.9% guaranteed uptime - that I can afford since this one is only cheap on trial and not otherwise (recommendations anyone?), point my domain over there (and lose more emails in the process) and then convince a geeky ex-boyfriend not bound by the Great Firewall of China (the unmarried one is in Texas....) to help with accessing and sending me all my files and my database through MySQL so I can transfer it to my new home - AND THEN I can be normal again.
Home sweet home, here I come.