I just can't take not blogging anymore.

ARGH! FIVE GIGS CAN SUCK MY BUTT!

And yes. Blogspot, how nice of you to take me back again.

I've been feeling slightly empty lately, hence the sudden urge to blog after a whole month of empty space. I read the entries from last year. That was an exciting time for Faye of 2004. She just met the guy she thought really could be it. It was butterflies and flirting and daydreaming and crazy grinning all day. Wow.

I miss it. I read the one post where he dropped the C-bomb, as in told me that he loved me (albeit in Malay) for the first time. I feel no connection to him whatsoever now, no desire to get him back, to have his love. Nothing. But I do wish so much for that type of feeling, for that sort of romance back again.

Now, the only thing that got me feeling a little school-girlish for a little bit has died. Nope, no more non-member Buddhist hippies from Texas for me. No matter how geeky, how hot or how great a dancer. No offense to any hippies or Buddhist people out there. I have complete respect for your principles, ideas and way of life. But I'm looking for someone with a little more in common with me on the fundamental issues. Geekiness and dancing is not fundamental enough.

Send in those mormon guys, Santa. Please. I promise i'll be a good girl next year.

It'd just be nice to be completely smitten like I was last year and have the guy be just as smitten with me. It seems so unlikely for it to happen now. I'm beginning to wonder if I am even capable of being smitten. But hey, last year I had a summer-fall breakup and promptly met a new guy just before winter. I'm about due now.

Blah.

It seems that the more I get to know people, the less I like them THAT way. Oh, I still love them as friends. But no more butterflies, smitten-ness, desire to procreate with them, walk down the isle etc. When I meet another one of "the one"s, it will be the opposite. The more I get to know them, the more I will fall in love. Falling in love. I'd like to do that sometime soon. It's on the top of my wishlist this year, Santa.

I put up my Christmas tree with Brooks the other day. And then after he left, spent the rest of the night crying. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I feel like I love my life, and then later within the same day, I'm feeling like it's meaningless and empty.

I've felt boring lately. Uninteresting. Bland. Nothing interesting, smart, witty or funny to say. Or write. Reading those old blogs reminded me of the person I was. Doing so many things. I'm pretty busy now, but life is routine. Meet with different groups of friends for meals, clubbing, watch movies, text people, play hexic, teach English. Not learning anything, not really doing new things often. That's why I haven't felt the itch to blog. I feel like I'd have nothing of importance to say.

My English class nearly made me cry yesterday,though. The topic of discussions was on beggars. It did NOT go down well. I'd taught the exact same one before. And my, it was awesome. But this class, I made them debate about whether or not you should give money to them, but they could only come up with reasons NOT to give money.

It made me so heartsick. You have no idea. I don't get angry easily, but I was having a hard time controlling my rage.

Don't people understand the obligation to help others if you are better off? It was always "The rich people should help the poor". Of course, they don't think they're rich. "There's nothing we can do. The government should be responsible". "The beggars are better off because my life is more stressful".

Someone mentioned on Sunday in a talk about gratitude that we're all in the "me" generation where we don't think we need to be grateful because we believe in entitlement. I earned it. I did it on my own. I deserve it.

It's true. And then we forget to share. What is this world coming to.

Now, I knowing giving money to beggars who are likely to be imposters isn't the solution. I don't do it often. But the fact that they weren't even interested in helping the less fortunate is what makes me sick.

ok. I need to stop writing about it. I'm seething again and I have to see these people and be nice to them and teach them English. Elitist snobs.

Roommate left for Taiwan for 2 months yesterday. I don't need to be back to work till February so I think I'll go home for Christmas and stay till then. Maybe. Want to be home to meet the new singles (if there will be any) as they come in, but the warm weather in Malaysia is so much more luring than winter here. Besides, I won't have any paychecks to live off then. Might be wiser to stay home and spend quality/quantity time with the fam.

Who knows. Maybe the guy I'm going to be smitten by will be in Malaysia. The odds are very, very, very, slim. But I have to talk myself into wanting to be there somehow. I guess I'm ready for a change. A little break in Malaysia will do me good.

I know I should be more excited about going home again. I am thrilled to see the family and loved ones again, but my heart has been so removed from them for so long. I long for a family of my own now. My own husband, children, cat/dog. All that. My heart is wandering in search of that and I'm leaving behind what should probably be the most important thing in my life right now.

Well, here's Faye. It's been a month since blogging and hardly anything has changed.

Oh. Anybody know where I can find mistletoe in China? I'm offering to kiss the first guy who finds it for me under it. Yeah. Here's what's new. Faye is now also a lip whore.

Moseltov.