If you need me, I'm only a couple of blogs away

Oh NO! I TOTALLY missed one day. Sorry to do that to you, my dear fans. I've just fallen into a "blah" state these past couple of days. Probably mostly because I have been very unproductive and haven't done much at home besides watch TV, and sleep, and sit at the computer playing pinball.

I can't even cry at night - it had to be induced (playing all my fave CDs and skipping past the happy tracks). That sounds kind of silly, I know. But crying is very therapeutic and helps me figure out exactly how I am feeling. As of right now, I'm not too sure.

Mark is the 4th guy I've broken up with. I wonder if this numbness has to do with how our relationship went, or how we both are reacting to it. Is it a device my subconciousness has developed to protect my self from hurting? Or is the the fact that I really haven't lost much and have nothing to cry about? Maybe I should cry over not having anything to cry about. Nothing to love, just nothing.

I know I feel lonelier than ever and that I'm not even excited to return to Hawaii anymore. (I hope I'm not proving my parents right) I'd rather be there than at home still living with my parents, of course, but without Mark to return to, I have nothing to dream about. Nothing to get excited about. Especially since I'm not ready to start getting excited about meeting other guys and dating again.

My whole life, I've been looking for someone to love me who I can love back. And perhaps in that need, I took the best person there was around instead of choosing to be alone. Not a very wise thing. The biggest mistakes I have made in life have sprung from choosing love over loneliness, however superficial or temporary it was.

This breakup has been alot less dramatic. It should be a good thing, but a part of me would like to feel devastation. If just so I can convince myself that there really was something there (I AM the drama queen). Instead I'm crying about not being able cry. I really miss Mark. And really do love him; did -which tense do you use in situations like this?

I think what makes it lonelier is how little we have talked. I mean, we've talked some. But usually about how little we ever get to talk or something else just to make conversation. There are long pauses. And half the time, I can't think of something to say. In the end, it just feels emptier. The missing "I love you" at the end, and no longer really opening up to each other makes it awkward. I know it's usually best to go cold turkey after a breakup and not try to be friends yet. But I do need a friend, and the only 2 people I can think to turn to are Matt - ex-boyfriend #1 and Jared#2 (ok, so there was sort of another guy in between, but I broke up with him after 2 weeks. I never was in love with him, and he's married now anyway - GO CHRIS!!! I almost never remember to count him.)

I haven't talked to Matt in forever. He said that I only contact him when something is wrong, and I need him for something. Not completely untrue. I do have a tendency of using people for my emotional needs. I don't mean to, but I do. *sigh* It only looks ok if they need you as well, but, hah! As if. The last thing I want to do is to prove him right. I don't know what's worse - that I don't love him but need him or that he still loves me but doens't need me anymore. Or the fact that I almost wish he'd still need me.

Then there's Jared, who I did call a couple of times lately. I know that I can call him and we will be able to talk for a long time. But I think that just knowing that is good enough for me. I'm not looking to get back with him and all I really need from him is the knowledge that he can still be my friend. I'm reluctant to open up to him because in a way, my emotional roller-coaster involves him as well. Not much anymore, but still, it's strange. The other reason I don't contact him as often is because I am not sure how welcome it is. He'll let me call him, and he'll talk - on my dime. That's fine. But he makes no effort to contact me, and that could mean that he's trying to keep his distance. And as long as he's doing it, I won't try to make it harder for him. It matters ALOT to me what people think of me, and I don't want him to think any less of me by being a pest. He never tells me when I'm unwelcome. *sigh* Just everyone else. I wish he would.

I want a 2-way relationship. Ever since we broke up, Mark and I have recoiled from each other. I used to be able to sense when he wasn't ok and dig it out of him - and he would do likewise with me. We brought everything out on the table and talked it through. What hurts now more than anything isn't how I can't turn to him anymore - but how he can't turn to me.

I have no idea how he's doing. He says he's ok. But he always does. I don't want to probe, because it makes me feel as if I need to know that without me he's not ok. I tend to like being needed. What an emotionally unstable teen I am.

It's true though, that I can never really be happy with someone until I learn to be happy alone. I have my happy moments. As long as I'm shurgging off the urge to complain and to cry and feel lonely, life can be as wonderful as I want it to be.

I'll just have to learn to stop trying to cry over spilt milk. Or too MUCH spilt milk. Or how there will be spilt milk no longer.