Worst day of my life #2587

But who's counting?

Once again, one slip up too many and I’m in deeper trouble than I thought possible.

When I was little, I would drop and break things all the time and lose things in school. Every time, I would get yelled at and punished. I’d wonder why I was punished for something I did by accident – as if I didn’t feel bad enough. Scaring the wits out of me really didn’t help me be less clumsy or forgetful.

That’s what today felt like. *sigh* Just one mistake too many. That’s all it takes.

People often look back and wonder what it would be like if they changed one event in their lives? I have so many I can just point out. If it wasn’t for that, I would be in Hawaii today. Maybe even still be dating Mark. I’d like to think that THAT’S the better future. Lucky for me though, it’s not a course I’m ultimately forsaking. Just delaying.

Today was Chinese New Years Eve. The boys didn’t have school so I didn’t have to get up as early. But I did have to get our domestic help, Kakak Tun, to my grandparents at about 8am because we’d be having a family reunion there that night and my grandma asked for her help.

I had driven past my gate when Kakak yelled out. Apparently she was supposed to bring the shrimp with her and she had forgotten. Anyway, I backed up, planning to stop where it was convenient for her to get to the boys’ room and have someone unlock the door for her. I don’t know what happened or what I was thinking, but like the prize idiot I am, I forgot to check my mirrors and ran the back of the van into the flower trove right outside my bedroom, putting the left rear wheel in a small ditch. Our driveway slopes down – I had backed it down a slope so gravity was not in my favor.

I was in a hurry. Anthony usually gets the key from my grandpa’s office down the hallway from ours to let himself in when I’m not there. Since it was CNY eve, they were closed so I needed to get there before he did. Didn’t want Dad to yell at me for being irresponsible and not on time.

Stupid idiotic mistake number 2. First the gymnastics and then this. Put them together and what do you get? Your neck in hot soup.

I remember what my dad did when stuff like that happened before. Although this was the first time I’ve gotten stuck in a ditch, I’m not the only one who has had accidents. He’d put planks underneath the spinning wheel and try to drive out – otherwise attach a 4WD to pull it out. I tried the planks in at least 50 different positions. Our neighbor has a Pajero but they weren’t home. I should’ve thought of calling other people before dad got home. I was desperately trying to get out of the mess by myself but I wasn’t sure I was doing it right and I figured dad would know better. So I called him.

He was at the office. Gee. I didn’t know. He came home 20mins later, fuming at me, and couldn’t get it out without another car. Since we sold the Honda, we don’t have a 4WD of our own. He knew Anthony couldn’t get in too so he took me to work on his bike instead, leaving my mom to deal with the mess.

On the way there, he lectured me. Telling me how it wasn’t an accident. How none of the slip-ups I have ever made are accidents but my will. Half true, but unfair to use for this incident. I was already crying before he started. Thankfully he was in front of me on the bike and the noise – and the helmet – drowned most of his words.

My parents seem to feel like I don’t feel sorry for my mistakes. That I’m very proud of myself or something. They love trying to break my non existent ego. Especially Dad. Mom is a little more understanding. Dad on the other hand LOVES to drive principles hard and hates emotion. He and Matt would’ve got along SO well.

We got to work slightly past 9. No Anthony. He called to say he would be late and showed up only at 12pm to collect his paycheck and to ask to take the day off. So much for that. *sigh*

The lecture continued. I had work to do that whole time, so it wasn’t so bad. But I ended up getting grounded from the internet. It’s not the first time this has happened. In high school, they were trying to keep me from talking to Matt. And they had good reasons to. But I’d get around it. I’d sneak on the computer at night when my parents were sleeping – till they hung up the line at night. Bought myself 2 modems because they confiscated them. Got my own keyboard when they hid the one here. Got my own account with the ISP because I didn’t have their password. When Internet at home was no longer available, I’d go to cyber café’s after school.

They knew what I was doing. But there was only so much they could do. I’ve paid for disobeying them. In some ways, maybe I’m paying for it now. Mom and Dad don’t punish me for ONE thing I’ve done. It’s always everything put together. Whether or not punishment has already been incurred before.

And bad decisions lead to more bad decisions and more things to be punished for.

The last time, they didn’t even lift my ban. I guess it didn’t make a difference to me. I ended up working for my dad where I had access to the computers and the internet. I could use email at home, if I asked. But I really hadn’t much to email unless it was to my “boyfriend” And then I moved to college.

When dad said he’d ban me. I protested. He said it wasn’t fair. But he wasn’t going to do fair anymore. He wants me to focus. And implementing some control over my use of the internet isn’t completely unfair. But a complete ban till I return to college. That’s tough. He said I have to at least become normal.

Yeah. I need another reminder of how I am an abnormally problematic child. Thanks.
No more going to Cyber Café’s he said. I’m too old for that. I’m 19. I’ll be 20 in a few months. My parents let me have a car I can use. I go out on my own all the time. They try to give me freedom, they aren’t half bad. How can they expect to ask me to give up my one outlet?

I see their point now. But it sure feels like I’m being grounded for a not being careful with the car.

The worst part is that I’m not the only one who has accidents. Su has had a couple much worse than that. The one time she drove us all into a bigger ditch – it was in fact Mark’s birthday and he was here. No one yelled at her for it. Everyone was just worried. Mom even laughed.

No. I’m not allowed mistakes because I’ve used up my mistake tickets.

Life will always be unfair. It’s true that Su’s a lot more obedient than I am. At the same time, we’ve never had the same treatment. Su can’t work with dad because she always disagrees with him and he makes her cry after every disagreement. I managed to keep her from working for Dad. Good for her, not so lucky for me.

Dad looks at his company as life training ground. Han, Ernie and I get all of Dad’s attention. Han because he is the eldest son – dad’s favorite if he had one – and Ernie because of his anger management problems. Me, well, eldest daughter. And the most challenge to “fix”. Like Ernie. Dad loves to fix things.

Some kids slip through the cracks. Not my luck. I don’t mean that I want my dad to ask Su to work at the office either. I think I’d still rather have it unfair to my disadvantage.

As soon as Dad left the office, I disobeyed him. I was in a pit and needed to talk to someone. Mark was there. Ever ready. Made me smile even. What a blessing he is.

Dad didn’t mention anything about the phone. I suppose he figures since Mark and I have broken up – and we really have talked less – that it wouldn’t be an issue. Maybe he just forgot. In any case, I haven’t asked. I’d probably get a no if I did.

I’m going to try to negotiate. Instead of a complete freeze, maybe a time limit or having to ask for permission each time. It’s going to be hard, but I can handle that.

This isn’t supposed to be a punishment, just like me being here isn’t done just to torture me. Although dad HAS been on a power trip lately.

It’s supposed to be character building. It has shifted my focus. I did need that, I’ll admit. But as much as I may start doing things with the YSA here. Or get very very busy with work, I’m still going to need a friend. And Mark is my best friend right now.

I’ve called him so many times in a day since. I’ve had a very boring weekend. Walking in circles around the computer, upset that there is nothing good on TV or that I’ve already watched all the good DVDs and there’s nothing left. Unsure of what I’m allowed or not allowed to do. I can’t sleep at night because I’m still waiting to do something useful with my day.

Obviously the computer has become a big part of my life. Too big. And it’s good to try to change that.

So if I don’t reply your emails. Sorry. I can’t. I’m still going to keep doing these blogs. I’ll still have access to the Internet. I need to work on websites and stuff. It’s going to be weird.

Life goes on. I’m numb already anyway. I’ve decided that you never experience the same thing in a same situation twice. The first time it happens, something in you dies. And if and when it does happen again, you feel nothing. And all you can do is mourn for your loss of emotion.

It’s ok. Good has come out of this already. One day at a time. That’s almost more than I can handle as it is.