How do I look in green?

The color of jealousy.

We had Family Home Evening Today. Dad's new calling as the district counsellor requires him to have meetings on Sunday evenings, so we switched FHE to the REAL night - Monday. It was nice to know that Dad would be home earlier.

FHE was short and sweet. The short lessons are the best because I have 4 kid brothers and my attention span isn't much longer than theirs either. I was in charge of refreshments but since Shuan had already baked a cake for our family (and it was DElicious) I traded with him and got to be in charge of games. Instead of playing our weekly "Fruit basket tip over" Ray's fave, I thought maybe we could play something new. So I pulled up our UNO cards (because we don't have a single set of poker cards with more than 30 cards in it) and taught them how to play the version of BS I made up - because I don't remember how all of it goes.

They enjoyed it. We were giggling and having a good time and I was glad that they liked what I picked out - they were complaining about it earlier. 4 rounds into the game, the phone rings.

Guess who?

Su!

Oh, joy!!!

In hindsight, this all looks so immature and stupid (these 2 words, along with rash and shalllow are words you have to get used to in this blog). But really, I wanted her to just hang up so we could focus on my game. On ME and something I did right.

Didn't happen. She was on the phone for about an hour and 15 mins, after the boys had gone to bed and Third Watch started on TV.

It really bothers me that I was that upset about it. I've never been jealous of my sister much before. I've always thought she was a better version of me, but it didn't compromise me. She was in a different school, had different friends. I got envious, ocassionally, but I knew I got alot more attention on a regular basis, mom thinks I play the piano better, but nice as it is, it's not true, Su's MUCH better at playing by ear. I got better grades in school, although eventually she caught up and got the exact same results as I did for our final goverment exam. She did have to work VERY hard though - and I never studied. Nor did my homework.

She had gymnastics, and sports. Something I never have done in my life. By choosing not to pursue that, it was easy for me to be glad that my parents were proud of her too. Knowing that I would never have to compete with her in that aspect nor even be expected to.

Remember her being called as the YW President? That was the biggest issue I'd ever had with her. Till now, I've never brought it up with her. Not even sure anyone else noticed.

I talked to Su the other day, and I was fine. Between me and her, things are ok. But for some reason, when other people get involved, I just turn into this huge green-eyed monster.

I think it's because I just don't like sharing. I don't like sharing her, or my parents, or my friends in college.

I remember back when I wasn't sure if I'd make it for the Winter, I would worry about it. Once, I broke down and explained to my mom that I really didn't want Su to go there without me. Because that was MY school. And those were MY friends. I still don't want to go back there and be the new kid.

Mom tried to explain to me how stupid that was. I already knew that. Why else would I be crying? You see, the whole problem is not being jealous of Su. It's me, being upset with myself for letting something so trivial get to me. Oh great, I can always use one more weakness.

It still scares me. I'm afraid that Su will fit in so well that I will be generally known as Su's sister. I thought about that some. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm the eldest. My sister has always been known as my sister. I wonder how she deals with it. Serves me right. My turn to be in her shoes.

I'm still wondering if my friends will decide that they like her better. Don't try to tell me they won't. I'll still worry.

Still. Wrong or right or natural, or whatever, no matter how dumb this whole ordeal is, it's very real to me. And I hate it. I thought I was beyond this. There are few things I care enough about to become jealous. And my social status being one of them just makes me think alot less of myself.

I love my sister. I'm glad she has friends. She's done nothing but tread lightly around me and make sure I know she loves me. But somehow, that just make me even more angry. I'd really like for her to show some kind of weakness. Like I hope she gets really bad grades. Or a boyfriend that will screw her up. But really, I'll have to face the fact that she'll do much better with the opportunity she's been given than I have. The only thing I can really do is follow her example and change.

Su will always look up to me. Which makes her even more disappointed when she see's all the weaknesses that I have.

If it's attention I want, how come I'd very much rather have Su home and my parents fussing over her while I go far away and screw up my life on my own than to be around parents who are trying to fix me?

Sibbling rivalry. I never thought I'd be a victim.