More glimpses into Fei, the mystery, than you want!

I stayed up till 3.30am blogging last night after watching “About A Boy”. Hugh Grant’s in it – and I absolutely LOVE him. The movie is a comedy but deals with some pretty serious issues. Kind of a serious tone to it all. Oh, you just have to watch it. It isn’t like a dumb comedy, nor witty. Just really subtle, bright side of life humor that you can really laugh out loud to.

Anyway, I loved it because of the theme throughout a movie: “No man is an island”. And how just having one person to rely on. “Everyone needs backup”. Too true. I’m really very lucky to be with my family now. Remember how I brought up my soppy separation at the airport scenes? I recall going back to my room after saying goodbye to Mark and thinking how lucky I was that I had my family around this time.

The night Jared had left Hawaii (I didn’t get to follow him to the airport) was the worst night of my life. I don’t remember anything quite so bad. Not even being told that my plane ticket to Hawaii was cancelled. You know the feeling, of being closed in, trapped. With nothing but blank walls surrounding you. With nowhere to go, and no one to go to for help. Desperation.

I don’t remember what that felt like, but I know it was terrible. The kind of feeling that makes you want to pull your hair out, grind your teeth, and scream. And if I did, it would be the kind of scream I get in bad dreams: one that is muffled, even though I’m screaming at the top of my lungs.

By some miracle, just as I thought of calling home, Mom called. Bless her. We talked about me going home for the summer. Oh, that was so welcome. I know I complain about my parents a lot, but their the best parents I could ever have. Not to mention the only ones. I should write them a thank you note for it sometime.

I’ve always found it easier to express myself through writing. Hence the blogs, and the long emails. I always wrote long entries in my journal and never really talked to anyone heart to heart – until I had my first boyfriend, and I found a whole new place to channel my thoughts and concerns. Now it almost feels like I’m going backwards. But it’s nice that someone actually reads what I have to say – whether in my blogs or emails. It’s almost like talking to someone, only my thoughts are more organized and I have time to think things over some before saying them. Comes out so much more refined. Well, as refined as my writing skills allow.

While I think about it, I need to thank you. Thank you for reading this. I know my blogs are long and sometimes uninteresting. Sometimes very depressing. But it’s nice to know someone is interested in what I have to say. Whether its how my day went or how many push ups I can handle, or my conversations with ex-boyfriends. (Actually, the only 2 people I’m SURE reads this is Jared and Mark… so… hmmm. Hey, that’s all that matters!) loL. I guess maybe I don’t like anonymity after all!

I don’t say funny things like J-Bo does on his blogs. I mean every once in a while, something happens that I think is cool and I share it. I guess they can be fun when my spirits are up. I read through all my blogs today. I didn’t start too long ago, so I haven’t progressed very far. Still dealing with a lot of the same issues. I suppose if I wasn’t, then writing this down here would be highly unnecessary. Come to think of it, though, doesn’t everyone struggle with a lot of the same issues through their life? Ok, maybe not. Maybe it’s just those stubborn ones who refuse to learn their lesson.

To be fair, I’m still a teen. Lol. I haven’t hit real adulthood where my challenges change. I still have some time. Come to think of it though, like being here instead of moving on with college, maybe I won’t move on to other trials if I don’t conquer these. You know you don’t pass enough tests you don’t graduate? Going to college without knowing your high school stuff wouldn’t do any good. So you retake a grade or a class. If not, you just move on to something else. Something less. And sometimes, your past will haunt you.

I have to deal with my issues once and for all. I don’t want these dumb weaknesses to haunt me when I’m 40 with 8 kids.

You know, I tend to forget who this blog is really for. Sometimes, it’s stuff I feel like I need to say to Jared or Mark or Amy – or my parents. But mostly, it’s for me to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Some people go through life without realizing how unhappy they are because they don’t stop to think about it. Until they go numb and everything crashes down on them at once. I suppose I’m not good at bottling things up. I cry when I feel sad, and I have a blast when I’m happy. I like knowing how I feel and why. I like to think that it’s one of my strengths. There’s a reason why I chose psychology as a major. I’ve been trying to figure myself out my whole life. I suppose that really is everyone’s mission.

Today has been a good day. All this contemplation is a result of a strange sort of calm. Like I feel ready to come to terms with myself. It’s a great feeling.