Brace yourself for more from the drama queen

Feel sorry for my past boyfriends already? I know I do. Sheesh. And I used to hate those mellodramatic girls who made life difficult for my guy friends.

Ok, where were we? Oh. This morning. Wow. I had a good sleep. Slept from like 9pm right through to 6am when I had to get up. Sweet huh? Oh man, I was so awake! Won't happen tonight now that it's already 2am. lol. Since I slept right through last night, I should just stay up through tonight to even it out some, huh?

Anyway, I dreamt. All I can remember now was that I had an argument with Mark in my dream. I felt horribly sorry.

Strangely, everything from last night carried over to the morning. Doesn't usually happen. I suppose the dream didn't help.

So I went to work, determined not to contact Mark unless he spoke first because I felt so embarassed and didn't know what to say to him.

At the office, I got something in the mail - from Cody and Charlene Day. Cody is someone my dad used to work with and he'd come over for dinner alot. We loved him to death. I always secretly thought of how great it would be to marry him. I knew what it was in the letter, but I still cried when I opened it. *sigh* Wedding announcement. They just got married in the Hawaiian temple. Ironically on Jared's and my anniversary. Su got to be at the reception - I wanted to be there - he has a couple of single brothers left! lol!

I didn't cry because it was Cody. No, it had nothing to do with that. Cody has been single for FOREVER now, and we've all been anxious to get him married. I liked him but he's a little old for me. Hehe.

No. I cried because I looked at their picture. And they just looked so incredibly happy. I remember when I could almost see a picture of me and my boyfriend up on the bulletin board with wedding announcements on it. I'm jealous. I've always wanted to be married. I still do. I know I'm not ready for it quite yet - too many issues to smoothen out first. But my friend Elaine (she's my age) - we both swore we wouldn't get married until after missions - she just got engaged. Some guy she met at BYU. Of course. BYU. I'm really excited for her, I am. But it just feels like people are moving on without me. They're in school now and I'm still here "working" for my dad.

I miss having a relationship, of course. But I don't want a boyfriend. I want something to last me. Someone I can turn to instead of this blog. No offense, I love you, but I can't have sex with a blog you know. Plus, I doubt you'd make a great dad for our kids - if by some miracle we could conceive any! I like the idea of a marriage. I'd like that alot. But really, until I outgrow all these childish feelings that I tell you about everyday, getting married would be a big mistake.

So there I was, crying - first thing in the morning over someone happy occasion of a lifetime. I was about to open my blog so I'd have someone to talk to. And then,Mark, your timing has never been more perfect. I really really needed someone to cheer me up then, and you came online.

We talked some things out. Cried some more. We keep talking about REALLY breaking up. It felt like it today for a while. Wonder when we'll start really acting like it. Later today when I got home I called him, and we couldn't hear each other. His voice would crack on the line and he couldn't make out what I was saying. But even after deciding to hang up because we were getting nothing, we just held on to the line listening to silence.

Just so we could have someone there on the other line.

It's hard to let go sometimes isn't it?

Without really knowing where to go from here, I keep falling back on my past. I don't want to think of Mark as my past. We try to convince ourselves that we can still be friends. Yeah. Sure. I've tried that so many times. I should know.

As dad said in his lecture at work today - pain refines us. Without it, we'll get nowhere. He's right. But I'm still going to look forward to seeing Mark again in Hawaii. And I'm still going to look for him when I go online. And I will always be disappointed if he's not there. And I'm going to keep his pictures by my bedside for a while so it won't feel lonely when I look over to check the time.

The only comfort I get is that I won't be the only one. I do want what's best for Mark, and for him to be happy. But in my selfish weak moments, I'm glad I don't suffer alone.

*sigh* It's going to take a while.