RM101 poorer.

But I have my own phonecard now! I set up my internet banking account yesterday (and that involved calling the bank and using the ATM) just so I could get this done fast. Now I don't feel imprisoned and I can reach Hawaii anytime I want.

I finally used up the 22cents on my parent's card - guess what? All that agony and it never recharged. Or if it did, it's setup now so that you need a pin number to access the card (it was hooked up to my house phone line before so that I never had to enter a pin) Ah well. I should start paying for my own phonecalls anyway.

Now I wish I hadn't spent the money on my new webcam. I mean, it's not I didn't already have one! I bought that a couple of years ago, so it costed RM10 more than it does now and the image was 10 times less sharp. Still, I hardly use it anymore since I don't talk to Mark as much. Probably a good thing. I haven't bothered to look good much lately - except on Sunday for church.

I haven't bought a single item of clothing, shoes, or makeup, since last year. I think. Somehow, as much as I resist being a girly girl, I find that being really sad! That's what I usually spent my money on.

I figure I haven't anymore because I don't have anyone to dress up for and don't really care what I put on in the morning (it just depends on whether I'm feeling cold or warm now instead of what color our outfit I feel like wearing or what look I want to have for that day) I am in a slump. I shop for clothes when I'm happy. Oh my goodness, I am pathetic.

But I have since bought a new webcam, a few DVDs and USB flash drive MP3 player thingy - oh and not forgetting, a phonecard! (I spent most of my money in college on phonecards... darn long distance relationships!) Every single one of those things I have bought to cheer me up when I'm in a dump. Like the MP3 player was bought on the very day Dad grounded me from the internet and any long-distance communication (don't ask me what I'm doing here now). I was going to go home and decided I deserved something and just spent RM300 - just like that - on the player. That's a good portion of my paycheck. I need to be careful.

I work right next to a whole lot of malls, and right next door there is a whole floor dedicated to selling computer stuff... REAL cheap too! I go there to window shop alot. I was hoping to save up to buy a laptop, but now that I've finally admitted that it is really out of my reach, what with the little time I have left and the little pay I get, I am looking to get my very own digital camera. Won't cost a whole lot for one. I like taking real good pictures and I'll still have my fancy old-school, film using, Canon 888 for that (ok, so it's not that fancy, but fancier than one of those point and shoot thingys) but a digital camera will be fun for blogging because I can get my pics instantly and don't have to worry about wasting film.

Still, I'm so used to the really good and expensive digital cameras that my parents have. I think the cheaper one I get on my own will be disappointing. Maybe I won't get one after all. It's a pity I don't have a birthday before I leave for Hawaii. I wouldn't dare ask for something expensive like that, but my parents are really generous and have surprised us with the gifts they buy. That's how I got my EOS 888 in the first place. I never DREAMED of asking. I asked my parents for a tent for my birthday this year after we went camping - I thought it'd be something cool to have while in college. Well, my birthday isn't till June and I'm not sure I'll want a tent still then. Hmmm.

Last year, my parents bought me a USB Flash drive for my brithday and that REALLY came in handy. I was just leaving for home then and had alot of stuff on my rental school computer (that didn't have a burner) that I wanted to save and bring home with me.

During Christmas, I wasn't sure what it was I wanted. I had needed alot of things to bring to Hawaii and had VERY little money left. I'm not good at managing my finances. I can if I have to, but I'll defend myself on this one, I was living on 3 months pay (from teaching piano part time - the biggest paychecks I've gotten in my life, but still very small in comparison with the rest of the world) for 6 months... and I had bought most of the stuff I needed for Hawaii (like my 2 huge suitcases).

Anyway, from "Santa" I got the cool bag I carry around everywhere I go (it's BIG and I love bags that can fit everything I need to carry around with me inside) some hairclips, and some contact lense solution. The solution was the highlight of my present. I REALLY needed that and had spent most of my remainding money on Christmas gifts (I get too generous sometimes).

I had asked my parents for a scientific calculator because mine had broken and I threw it away just before leaving college for home (the same goes for my CD player). My parents were going to give me my dad's old one (it's a really expensive one with alot of functions on it I will never use: he got it for his financial planning course) but i wanted a specific one: an exact replica of my old calculator. (I get very attatched to my calculators) Well, I offered to buy my own Christmas present but they said I couldn't do that. Su needed a scientific calculator too, and since I couldn't afford to buy her one, mom gave me the money to shop for it for them to give to Su.

Well, I ended up coming home with 2 calculators. One for Su, and one for me. I had found the one I wanted. I didn't tell my parents till the next morning after Su had opened the calculator gift she got from "Santa". "Oh." Was all mom said.

I had a sucky beginning to Christmas because my sister had gotten sunshades for my brothers - and so did I. For some reason I was really upset. I guess I just couldn't afford really fancy gifts and in a way I'm still disappointed at what crappy gifts my family ended up getting from me (I bought my mom one stick of lipgloss and she got a set of Christmas napkins and placemats from Su). Anyway, I was crying that morning. I remember talking to Mark on the internet while everyone else opened their presents. I was last. I really didn't want to open them: I knew I'd be disappointed.

Well, I got Dad's calculator. I still have it now. I don't want it, I don't have a manual for that one anyway (I read the one for this calculator for fun). I wasn't going to bring it with me to Hawaii anyway. I guess I must've hurt mom some. I love the bag and the hairclips I got and I'm not kidding when I say that the contact solution was like the BEST and most ideal gift ever and couldn't have been more welcome that Christmas. But isn't that just the saddest thing? I would rather have had them pay for the calculator I got myself. Oh well, the year-end turned out to be alot crappier later. I won't remember what a bad Christmas I had in comparison.

I guess I was just lonely and missing Mark so I ruined Christmas for myself. I got cute gifts - but I didn't want cute gifts. I wanted stuff I could use. (Which is strange because I grew up wanting luxuries for my birthday thinking that my parents were SUPPOSED to provide me with my neccessities anyway) My sister got me earrings - I've only worn one pair once - that day. They're cute, but bless her heart, I prefer the other pairs I bought myself. She also got me the cool hairband thingys to go with my new hairdo. I had asked for those, I love them. She got me two and one of them was purple striped with pink (nice!) and the other was an ugly green with checks made out of white and red lines. Ugh. I hate checks. It won't go with anything in my closet. Poor Su. She feels bad about it.

Man, I hate complaining about gifts. I feel so guilty after (and yet it's nice to get it off my chest). I lie about loving them. Sometimes I really make myself believe it too. I guess I want people to like mine so much I want to show them I like theirs. I don't know... it's the thought that counts they say. Yeah. But you still get disappointed when they give you stuff you don't want.

You know, I say it's really easy to please me. In a way it's true, because I'd rather get gifts I'll never use than none at all: and I will love them if I love the person who gave it to me. But here I am complaining about my Christmas.

We had so many presents under the tree last year. I guess I had a sucky Christmas because I really didn't expect much to begin with - or maybe I was expecting much and was talking myself out of it. I've stopped getting excited over gifts. Like Ernie (he's 8) told me his philosophy: don't ask for anything. If you do, you'll expect to get something and when you don't, you'll be disappointed. So you go with no expectations and come out perfectly happy.

That's my philosophy too.

I feel so sorry for Mark. We had this HUGE dillema the whole month of December over what to buy each other for Christmas. I always buy the stuff I want for myself and refuse to tell people what I want (mostly because it's too expensive and I hate ASKING for things - I know I'll get them if I ask and that makes me feel guilty). Although I did ask Mark for a standing fan for Christmas so I could use it when I got back to Hawaii. I haven't gotten to see what he got me yet and vice versa since I never made it back to Hawaii, but, I'm willing to bet you he didn't get me a standing fan.

You know, I really stress over what to get other people. And till now, I'm not sending Mark the presents I got him for Christmas because I feel like there's something more I could give him. I'm so afraid he will be disappointed with what I get. I wished he liked something as much as Jared liked the Simpsons. That would make things so easy. Maybe my insecurtiy comes from not knowing Mark as well as I want to or should. Oh I hate to think that!

But because of all that I put into a gift, I always wish someone could do that for me in return. I have low expectations because in essence, I'm really impossible to live up to. I'm a walking contradiction: I like to be a mystery and don't like to be figured out. Yet, I want someone to know me enough to be able to buy me the perfect gift without me having to point them in any direction. I demand the impossible. And yet, I tell Mark not to make a big deal out of my present because I will love everything he gets me. And it's true. He could get send me his dirty socks and I will sleep with them at night.

Then, I look at my parents. My dad always buys my mom stuff that she doesn't know how to use. The clothes and jewelry he picks out for her are always stuff she doens't like to wear... but she'll wear them for him anyway. At least once. Hehe. You should've seen the horrid pink blouse he got her for Christmas! Gall!!! Poor mom. Alot of times (like all men) dad'll get mom something he wants to use for himself, like say a decoration for our indoor garden, or a computer accessory. I'm pretty sure Dad's bought mom kitchenware too. She hated that! Dad's gotten better over the years though. He's listens more - and I suppose my mom asks for things now - and sticks to buying handbags and useful electronic devices mom can use for her class/work.

Oh, as I'm typing all this, I think I just figured out why gifts are such a big deal: it isn't what's in them but what they imply on how other people perceive you. Mom hated getting kitchenware because she didn't want to be seen as just a mother. She wanted something for her, the woman. Obviously, if you get a gift like a new set of tires for the family car, he wasn't thinking about you when he got the gift. That's why men shouldn't buy clothes/jewelry for their women... they would usually pick out something they want to see her wearing instead of what they think the girl would like. That gives more reason for women to call you a chauvanistic pig (which most men are) so don't do it! Unless of course, she mentioned liking something in particular, then go for it.

The best present I ever got?

My birthday last year from Jared.

I even told Mark this, and I feel really sorry. I have this bad habit of talking about my exes and it's such a turnoff, I know. I learned to refrain from doing that while I was dating Mark because it really bothered him. I really didn't mean to compare Mark with Jared by bringing the present up or to put any pressure on Mark in his choice of Christmas gifts. I was simply being honest.

I didn't ask for anything from Jared on my birthday, and since he was in AZ and we had broken up, I didn't expect to get anything from him at all. Well, he sent me a package. He had burned me another CD "Story of US II" (songs about our relationship in chronological order: he has good taste in music so it works out good), a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle (I LOVE puzzles! I fixed it when I got home) and a humongous green Krusty the Clown watch that exclaims "HEY KIDS, IT'S STORY TIME" followed by his corny laugh every time I press the wrong button. Hehe. He knew I needed a watch. I still use it, for lack of a nicer looking one I can wear. I've only worn it a couple of times. I love it! (And I'm not lying about this one) But it's so huge - I swear it's wider than my wrist - and hideous! I keep it hidden in my bag to check the time and cringe in embarassment when bag suddenly exclaims "HEY KIDS, IT'S STORY TIME!" when I'm in the elevator or soemthing.

The best part of the gift? Mmm... his blue shirt. I had smeared chocolate frosting all over the back of his shirt after midnight on Cori's birthday (incidentally, I arrive in Hawaii on the 19th of April which would be Cori's birthday again - I'm too much into these dates!) we had smashed the cake I made for her into her face (I had made it in a hurry and it was all falling apart anyway) and were throwing that and water balloons at each other. He was really mad at me for getting the stuff on his FAVORITE shirt, afraid that it would stain so I promised to clean the shirt for him or get him a new one otherwise. Well, it cleaned well (thank goodness it didn't shrink and turn into something from baby gap -it was a shirt from gap too - like Annie's laundry, but if it did, it would actually fit me and I would've gotten to keep it anyway) I wanted to fight him for it since I loved that shirt so much, but either I lost or I just couldn't take him away from his favorite shirt. "Any shirt but this one!"

It really was a big deal to find that he gave me that special shirt in the mail. I put it on immediately (it smelt like him even) and went to work. I still have it. I love it to death still, but haven't put it on for a long time out of respect for Mark. I'm thinking I should give it back to him. *sigh*

Jared was broke then too and had close to no money for a gift for me but he still pulled it off. It was the best gift ever because I didn't have to ask for anything and I got it. I wouldn't have wanted anything else. That gift just proved how much he really knew me, and how much thought he had put into the gift. I was also still very much in love with him then too. (I hate to admit that I had just started dating Mark at that time)

I'm still trying to figure out what made that gift so special. I'll let you know when I do. I do know that it mostly have to do with how I felt for him at that time. Isn't that a comfort?

Oh wait. I think I figured it out. He really understood and saw things from my point of view right? There's a reason why more than one person has asked if you were gay. (I think alot of people here would agree that "skosh" is a gay word)

Still, more than wanting someone to understand me just like Jared did, I want to know someone as well as I knew him. We only dated for 5 weeks, but I have his personal history memorized, I know the names of all his sibblings as well as neices and nephews. I could tell you the major events of his childhood and highschool or whatever as if I was there. When I went to Arizona, I met John his best friend and they talked about old times. I really didn't feel left out in the conversation. I even pitched in a little. That was too much of a perfect relationship (imperfections aside).

Strangely, I struggle to remember things about Mark. I had to ask him what his middle name was again a few times and can't even remember his brother's first name (I know they call him by his middle name: Ryan). I had to check my calendar a few times to recall his birthday.

Granted, Mark and I have spent much less time together with each other in person, but you'd think all the talking we did on Yahoo over the past 7 months would come to something. I think that it could simply be because Jared talks alot and remembers details and told me all about them. I don't know.

I hate comparing. Mark feels inferior to Jared. In some ways, he has a valid reason to be. Jared was the best relationship I ever had, it's true. But the fact is that I'm not in love with Jared. I am in love with Mark. I want to have a relationship like Jared and I had, but I don't want to marry Jared or even someone LIKE him anymore. I want to marry someone as wonderful and as giving as Mark is (and as sexy and good looking and...) But in reality, every relationship is irreplacable.

In the end though, there really is no point dwelling over this. Jared will be Jared and Mark will be Mark. Our relationships were different. Better or worse, they both belong in the past.

Maybe tomorrow, I will try keeping them there.