Hermit mode: ON.

It's been a pretty depressing couple of weeks for me. No seriously. After all that crying I did a couple of nights ago, I was able to figure out that I wasn't doing that great after all.

Here's why:

Remember whe I wrote about how easy my breakup seemed because I had backup and plenty of friends to keep me distracted? That was mostly true. I did.

Sure, the breakup is hard to deal with. But what makes it hard is that I lost my best friend and my companion (although the whole idea of someone you thought was in love with you the same way you were with him leaving is pretty hard to swallow). At first, when Mark left, I found other guy friends to hang around so I wouldn't feel as lonely. Most of my time was spent with Jared though.

Well, Jared has a girlfriend now, sort of. The two of them have been at it for a while so it's been at least a couple of weeks since I felt like he was my best friend. I'm extremely excited that he's finally gotten into another relationship - he deserves good things like that to happen to him, you know. But I will admit that there is a part of me that likes Jared to be forever single so that he will always have time for me and treat me like a special friend.

That having been said, I don't want to fight this girl for his attention because it belongs to her (you lose best friend rights when eiher one is in a relationship, I understand that) nor do I want to be the third wheel. When we were dating, there was a girl who had him as a best friend (she did know him first) and I let her have her Jared time, that was strange at first, but I liked her and I knew that she needed a friend and that I could trust Jared so I was fine. I always came first anyway so I couldn't complain.

In a way, you could say that because of that, I do have some claim to "Jared Time". I'll get it every once in a while on days like today. I just came back from standing outside the window of his dorm room for nearly two hours "catching up" with him. Still, I don't want to complicate things. I don't like the position it puts me in or having to deal with the way I feel when he's not available to keep me company - I just don't want to be that kind of girl. So I think it's simply easier to talk to my more recent ex-boyfriend more and more. At least that relationship still works both ways. For now. And I can get all the attention I need.

I really dislike what all this says about me: that I am needy and unstable. Why is it that I need a guy to give me attention (not even romantically) for me to feel like I belong somewhere?

That's been my biggest issue lately. Not knowing where I belong. I've spent nearly all free time here in my room on my computer playing games. I've discovered that I can download the old school adventure games I used to play when growing up for free now, and also homestarrunner.com. I've gone into anti-social nerd mode. I feel I belong here. So I sit here all day. Makes sense.

I usually feel like I need a guy to be excited about to keep me functioning normal. Well, that could be what's missing. I just don't see anyone that peaks my interest. There is a social tomorrow, and I would like to be asked, of course (it would be flattering) but I can't think of a single person that I want to ask me right now so I don't care to go like I thought I would.

I don't want to be defined by relationships or dependant on them. It sure seems like I am though. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Makes me want to be single for a whole YEAR just to prove that I can do it. People seriously think I can't. And as a result, I doubt myself. What if they have a point? I have been determined not to rebound and well, I think it's safe to say that I won't. But that's because I haven't had anyone sweep me off my feet yet. I might be single for a whole year without trying. You never know.

I was single and not really looking when I was home in Malaysia. But I didn't really have a choice. I don't feel like I really have a choice here either. Still, if the right guy comes along, what do you want me to do? Turn him down because I vowed to be single for a year?

I have changed some. When I first got to college, I'd never been in a relationship before, so I really was on the prowl. I got a boyfriend within the first 3 days. It was great. But then I decided I wasn't done flirting, so I broke up with him after 2 weeks. I stayed single for the rest of the semester, and I think that is proof enough that I can do it, but Jared says it doesn't count because I was technically with Matt, my internet boyfriend then. I hate to admit it, but he's right. GRRR.

So what is expected of me then? Do I need to shed guy friends completely? Do you want me to stop talking about guys on my blog?

Give me a break people. I'm just lonely. A relationship is always nice. But I'm not looking for one. That's the last thing I need right now. All I need are good friends I can laugh with.

I used to have friends, once upon a time, but I haven't done a good job maintaining them and they don't get together to do fun things any more or something. Our group has pretty much dissolved. After Mark left, I wasn't sure where my place in the group was any more. Mark had the car so we went places. I always wanted to do something every night and it was understood that we would get together and spend time doing whatever almost in a family setting every evening. It was great - even though it was mostly watching movies or playing card games.

When Fall started, a whole lot of people were added to our group until we couldn't keep track of everyone and no one took up the role of the "planner". So yeah. We fell apart. People paired up or split into small groups or something. Either way, they don't call me to go to dinner any more (that was my fault, I would always go too late anyway) or to do stuff (probably because they don't), and I just don't ever see them around much anymore.

Today I went to dinner late no one I really knew was eating dinner and because I haven't felt like my old bubbly self in a while, I wasn't up to making new friends. It was kind of sad. I did sit with a couple of people I knew, and we made casual conversation, but it wasn't the same.

Swing club was pretty pathetic last night. I went there nearly halfway through and the guys seemed to take that as a signal to leave. I stood leaning against the wall for the next hour or so until Justin came up and asked my sister and I to dance. I let my sister go first of course. And then he came again. All out of obligation. So yeah, I got one dance. And it wasn't that great. You forget to dance after not getting to do it for a while, you know.

Latino club was tonight. That was much better. I was the first girl Joel (remember, pretty boy?) asked to dance. Wow. I danced once, and thanked him and then sent him off to the other girls. I don't think anyone gets this. I have a one-dance policy. There are more girls than guys and I don't want to be selfish, so I only dance for a short while, and let the other girls have a chance (and also to let the other guys have a chance to dance with ME) but after that, I end up sitting or standing at the side for a long time, watching other girls hoard dance partners and wondering what the guy thought because I wouldn't dance with him the whole time. I need to find a better way to do this because it doesn't seem to work. THEY JUST DON'T GET IT. You can ask me to dance with you more than once. Just dance with another girl in between so I don't feel bad for the other girls who are sitting on the side. Is it really that hard to figure out?

My sister doesn't get asked to dance in swing club very much either. It's a pity. She's really good. There are only a couple of guys who really know how to lead - one of which is her ex-boyfriend, so yeah. The odds of her actually getting to dance? One dance a night is normal for her. What do the guys think that if you're standing by the wall that you don't know how to dance or something? Or that you don't WANT to? Grrrr. Girls that just won't share guys that aren't theirs anyway drive me nuts.

You know what my problem always has been? I've always assumed that because I see something a certain way, and do things a certain way, thinking that it's right and fair, that everyone else should too. I still look at the world as mostly good. And even expect them to act accordingly. That's why I get so angry that I cry when people halt taxis uproad from me after I purposely tried to keep things fair and stand in line with the rest of the people further down.

I'd like to think that because I try so hard to play nice, that nice things happen to me more often. It's hard to tell some days. Some days it just feels like the the rest of the world is just pointing and laughing at you.

It's really not as bad as I make it sound. My roommate, Mamma Jolley, we call her, is awesome. She's a great friend and is a bundle of giggly fun. We talk all the time but we don't have many other friends either. Her friends are my friends and remember my friends are kind of non-existent right now?

I will eventually pull myself together and start organizing some sort of social activity instead of whining about how nobody is doing anything. I'm just getting so comfortable hiding here in my hole. I feel like I'm waiting for me to be fun and likable again and get out of frumpy hermit mode. It won't happen until I make it.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. More than that, I'm tired of people reading what I have to say and feeling sorry for me. I don't want pity. I don't want to be the girl people want to "help". I don't want help. I don't want comfort. All I want is a freaking a social life.

Yeah. This attitude is going to help me get one. Pardon me. I feel angry for some reason. I used up the PMS excuse already. So I don't know what this is. POST menstrual syndrome?

Tomorrow is Friday. I could make it good. If all else fails, at least I can look forward to talking to Mark again.