Looking back to look ahead.

It's conference weekend! I was actually awake at 6am today to hear the words of our leaders. It was great. They said things I needed to hear. The best part? I get to hear more tomorrow.

I took notes in my journal of course, to help me pay attention and to keep awake. But what I am blogging about now, is what I discovered I had written in the past. I seriously had forgotten about the journal I kept before this blog came into existence. I regret not writing in it more often, but I had written enough to where I can keep track of major events that happened in my past. Some of the details are currently unnecessary, but I'm glad I at least wrote down honestly how I felt.

Some entries made me cringe at my immaturity (like some of my blog entries here will and do), and others struck me with awe. Here are some so you can judge for yourself.

I didn't go too far back because a lot of those entries held mostly details of things I did and what others did for me in my preparation to leave for BYU-Hawaii. Kind of shallow and uninteresting. Before this journal entry, I had talked a lot about Chris, a guy I met my first night here and eventually became my first boyfriend. If you don't count my internet boyfriend, Matthew, who I had a relationship with for nearly two years spanning pre-BYU and after BYU.

Sept 8, 2002. Sunday

Dear Journal,

Wow. What a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Chris and I started holding hands the Sunday after the Circle Island tour. Then later, I gave him a kiss on the cheek... & we started getting all cuddly and kissy (no lip kissing because we're both saving it)

*note from editor: I never kissed him on the lips - I've only kissed 3 guys, so in a way I'm still saving it. I'm glad I didn't sell out too much on that goal.*

Anyhow, I just told him Friday night that I needed a break - time out - because I don't want to be tied down. I'm too guy crazy. I tried to make it sound casual but I could tell he was not taking it well. We talked for about 4 hours about that and how he is hiding from the world. It was the first heart to heart conversation we've had.

Saturday was a bleak day for both of us - and everyone else, it seemed. I got up in time to go take a math pre-test. Missed lunch so I had to go to the Seasider's. I met people I knew but was on a constant lookout for Chris. It just felt empty.

Sarah & Amanda (they are still my friends today, YAY!) were kinda feeling that way too. I was bored out of my mind so we went to see the Testaments together with Marci and Cori. It was such a spiritual experience. I think it was especially so because I was so in need of the Savior then.

After seeing the testaments we tried to go in to the temple grounds but couldn't so we went back and had ice-cream. I called Chris and we talked. Basically repeated the conversation. At the verge of getting back together because we both had the worst day.

His phone died so I had to go look for him and we took a walk to the beach. Sat there, talked and felt a little more comforted that we hadn't exactly lost each other.

I still feel bad though, obviously. I mean more to him than he admits and than he means to me. I love him as a friend, but since the beginning have been uncomfortable because it was not a two-way thing.

I know now I made the right decision, but I felt cold-hearted and mean. I pray he will recover soon. He's still waiting for me to go back to him but I have received confirmation that I don't want to and shouldn't go back.

Sept 15, 2002. Sunday.

Dear Journal,

Such a lot has happened!! Mom & Dad are here! Dad was anyway - he is in Maui now (if he hasn't missed the flight, that is)

I got my patriarchal blessing today and I was blessed to have Mom and Dad there with me. It was such a sacred, sacred spiritual experience. Something really struck me and I has left me wondering. I will be able to write later, once I get my typewritten copy. I just remember feeling so special - loved by Heavenly Father. I KNOW he knows me. Oh... He has so much planned for me. There's so much I need to live up to. What a burden. But I want to make him proud.

It's late. I need to read my scriptures before bed. It was mentioned in my blessing that I needed to read my scriptures. I have been trying - I can't give up.

Sept 29, 2002. Sunday.

It's been a while, huh? Right now, I'm in one of those Ally McBeal moods. I feel lonely. Alone. That life is bleak and hopeless. I don't even know why. I had a good day today. Went to church. I bore my testimony.

I went up after Cori and introduced myself. It was pretty funny - I told everyone I was only 18 and all the guys at the back row leaning forward with their heads down suddenly popped up and paid attention! Hehe.

I spoke about how I'm not a sponsored student and heavily rely on Mom and Dad to pay for school. I'm one of those people who tried to be independent and I work 19 hours a week but get so little $$ it's impossible for me to pay for school by myself. But I want to, and it's so hard to have to let others help me. I got into a dispute with Chris yesterday when we took the bus down to Winward Mall. He said he was going to pay for my dinner and I kind of agreed - but changed my mind while at Arby's. I gave him $6 for my food and he wouldn't take it. He eventually kept the $1 but we were tossing the $5 note back and forth. The situation was very tense.

Eventually, Sarah took it and bought everyone ice cream with it, but yeah... Chris' treat.

See I don't like taking charity. Anyhow, I remembered the scripture dad quoted me. Mosiah 2:21 onwards. How we are eternally indebted to our Heavenly Father. I didn't want to have to rely on others. But I need the Savior so much. I need to acknowledge that I can't do it alone.

How many people are lost because they don't realize the need for the Savior.

*skip forward*

Right now, I am worrying about not being able to find "The One". It's almost like I just realized he doesn't exist. That the guys I like won't notice me. I need someone on the same/higher level than I am. So far, most guys I know are immature and I feel higher up than they are. I just feel like I'm on a different level than everybody.

I told Chris this and he offered me his shoulder to cry on - but I refused! He said I need to let people help me. He's right. Why am I so prideful? I have friends but I won't let them be my friends.

I hope that'll change.

I am better about letting guys pay for things now. And a little more willing to open up about my weaknesses (thanks to this blog) but I still struggle with the same stubbornness. In a way I still feel the same about finding "The One". I'm not really looking for him right now though, because I realize now that I am unprepared. When I first came here to school, back when I had barely turned 18, I was simple and all I wanted to do was get married. But I did have a firm testimony of the gospel and I was on a spiritual high. I've lost some of that energy and enthusiasm, but my understanding and love for the gospel has deepened. Still, I do realize that my spiritual strength has decreased and I'm building myself up to how I was, and even better.


Oct 19, 2002. Saturday.

"Lord help me strive to be worthy of the one that thou art preparing for me"

Today, I may have lost the security of having a relationship with someone who I am in love with and who likewise loves me but I am one step closer to gaining eternal joy with the someone out there who is preparing himself for me.

I haven't lost anything; I have everything to gain. I just opened the door for blessings to pour in.

Then why oh why does it hurt so much?

Heavenly Father must be looking down now - aching as he watches his precious daughter grow up.

*I think I was talking about Matthew here. We broke off and got back together more times than I care to admit. I am embarrassed to mention that I wrote many times about how today was the day when I would move on from him, but I didn't follow through and would write another similar entry a couple of weeks later. I didn't end up breaking off from him till the later half of 2003 after stumbling many, many times

"The path to [exaltation] is rugged and steep. Many stumble and fall, and through discouragement never pick themselves up to start again. The forces of evil cloud the path with many foggy deterrents, often trying to detour us in misleading trails. But through all his journey, there is the calming reassurance that if we choose the right, success will be ours, and the achievement of it will have molded and formed and created us into the kind of person qualified to be accepted into the presence of God. What greater success could there be than to have all that God has?"

-Harold B. Lee

Having a corner polished off may hurt... but what a beautiful stone it will become because of it.

April 3, 2003. Thursday.

So much has happened since I last wrote. Oh, writing today brings me a stab of regret. What a changed person I've become. (*I am crying as I read this and type it out here for you) Matthew my ex-internet boyfriend visited me here in Hawaii, Dec 14, 2002. We made some wrong choices. We broke up. Cried all the way home. Home was wonderful. I miss it today. It's been a while since I've felt homesick. Today I feel like I want them here, just so I don't have to be alone.

Well, I was struggling after coming back and starting school. Missed Matthew. Things weren't working out. And then I met Jared Bodine. At the cafeteria at lunch. Ended up kissing on our first date at Makapu'u. Fell in love. Big mistake. 5 weeks and a day later (4 days ago) we break up. He felt prompted. I believe him. It's so hard. Matt wants me back badly but I am not in love with him anymore.

I know I need to use this time to learn to be happy by myself. It's hard. I got upset today because I missed Jared for dinner. He tried calling, I was out. I came home, he gave up. Small deal. But I looked forward the entire day to seeing him. I hate having to look for an excuse to see him. I hate that I am so needy. Being such a girl. (*sound familiar?) I just need to be upset today. Tired of pretending to be happy. Sat alone at the caf for dinner today. It sucks. The trick is to keep breathing.

One day, I'll get over it. Is it okay for me to be sad now? To need him and to want him. (*gag*)

I had this bad habit of not finishing my journal entries. Writing by hand gets tiring, ya know.


May 4, 2003. Sunday.

Matthew's birthday. Don't want to ruin it by calling him to tell him I don't want to talk to him again. I am determined to put my past behind me today. Jared's been home for over a week now. So far, we've talked everyday. I miss having friends. It's been a lonely time. A lot of time to think and get my life back in order.

Just came back from talking to Bishop Lesuma. Oh may Heavenly Father bless his family and his life. What love he has for us! He quoted D&C 58:26-29 today. I know I need to be anxiously engaged in a good cause. He placed a picture before me of what I could become. Reminded me of my patriarchal blessing. No wonder Satan is trying so hard. He wants to ruin it. I am no longer going to let him!!! [angry face]

Bishop mentioned something about mom and dad asking themselves, in pride, what they'd done to deserve a daughter like me. Mom has done that - but in sorrow. I love them so much. I want them to be proud of me. I am so thankful for the way they raised me. Heavenly Father truly blessed my life and still does.

I am charting my spiritual growth. Today I am moving steps ahead. May I continue to do so. I've learnt so much. Where before, temple marriage was out of sight - while dating Matthew - I can now see myself with my spouse pulling each other towards exaltation. It seems more and more possible each day for a celestial marriage. The Lord has opened my eyes to the endless possibilities and my divine potential. I vow that I will not let my Father in Heaven down.

July 2, 2003. Wednesday.

I am now at the Los Angelos airport. What a meat market! So noisy - TONS of people everywhere. I'm flying to Taipei then to Singapore by China air and it sucks to look like the large mass of Chinese people here waiting for the plane.

I just had the time of my life in Phoenix and Vegas. I am going to miss Jared so much. Just as I felt that I will be able to let go soon, life played another dirty trick on me and pulled me back. I still love him and he still loves me. But we are not going anywhere again. When will all this be over? While in Phoenix, I missed Mark more and more. Am I just in love with love, or in love with his body or what? He's like a pillar of strength. I turn to him for familiarity now. I just talked to him on the phone. I don't want to go home. I don't want to let go of love and of my social life. Who knows when I'll see Jared again. So much for being in love. Another dead end.

Feels alone now. Writing my journal and crying in a crowded airport. Everyone is probably staring. I miss Mark. I talked to Matt. I will be home once more. Am I planning to keep up long distance relationships like I had before?

I wish I was more excited to go home. I love the family and am glad to be with them. But what about marriage? I want it more than ever now - I am tired of changes, of having to say goodbye to loved ones. Can't Jared and I just get married and get it over with? We both want it. Why do we keep going through this over and over?

It will take time to learn to be happy without a man beside me again. Will I ever learn to go without? Am I meant to? I wish "The One" would appear in my life right now. The perfect combination , a cross between Mark and Jared. One who gets along well with me as Jared and I do. One who makes me laugh, whose personality is just kick-awesome and whose family is just GREAT and I love them. And then, good-looking, deeply caring, beautiful voice, studly Mark who is just AMAZING.

Mark. Mark. We love each other. But we're holding back. We almost never say it. We talk around it. Telling each other how we're thinking of each other and how we care for the other but can't admit to feeling deeply for fear that something will happen that we'd need to stop. I want to fall in love with him but I know that he's not the one and am holding back, afraid to let go.

(*See the foreshadowing here?)

Jared and I love each other but are being held back. Oh if I could just go back to the time when we were happy and we had endless possibilities ahead of us. We would be married soon, if things weren't on the way they did. Why were we told to stop? So I could meet Mark and start from scratch? So we both could be depressed and pretend not to love each other anymore? Deal breaker was Mark, said he. I thought the deal was broken a long time ago.

Why is it so hard for me to let go? How much longer will past relationships haunt me? Can't they all get married and me be single, not think of them anymore?!? Mark thanked me for helping him forget. Why can't I forget neither him, Matt nor Jared? What is my freaking problem?!?!

Hope seems dim for me. I am disillusioned with myself. Malaysia will be great for me. Many others are lonelier than I. I have my pick of guys. Many don't. I am still young. I have plenty of time to prepare myself. I hope to date for fun still. I hope that's possible.

One day I'll find him. It will be worth it. Let go of Jared once more, Fei. You don't know if anything can come out of it. Don't hold on. Let him be. Do your own thing - you can't rely on each other for friendship when you are in love. If eventually things smoothen out, listen to the spirit. Let him guide your decisions.

I'm broke. No $$$ for emergency use. Heavenly Father, please watch over me. I need to stop feeling alone. I need instead to feel independent, yet loved and protected. Turn to Him once more, Fei, Men cannot replace God.

Eventually, I will be on the right track again and the blessings will flow.

That was my last journal entry.

I realized as I was reading all this how little I mention the gospel in my blogs now. It could have something to do with the fact that many non-members read my blog and may not have an appreciation for what I write of spiritual things. But that is a poor excuse. I think the truth is that the Savior isn't the center of my life right now. He has been a big part of it, just not big enough. This realization is the beginning of a huge change. I just need to keep it up.

Part of what inspired this blog was an email I got from a friend last night. I don't feel very close to him at all, but apparently he feels like he knows me really well (well, with a public blog like this, everyone does -that was the whole point). As much as I like to say that I took it the right way, it would be lying to myself. My first reaction was to get defensive and reading it actually made me rather angry. I don't write here so people can see my faults and tell me what they are! Or to tell me what I'm doing wrong! I already know!!! Just let me be sad for TWO weeks darn it! I'm usually pretty happy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In some way, I'd like to think that I do have the right to be indignant about it. To be fair, this particular friend just got back from his mission not too long ago and is still trying to tell people how to run their life. But heck, I do it to others as well. I think I know what's best for other people all the time. I had it coming.

I just don't like being seen as weak in the eyes of others. I explained this to my roommate Emily today. I think it has to do with the fact that I got a lot attention growing up. Being the eldest child, my parents can't help but try harder with me. I don't condemn them for this. They did a great job, I think. But they are human.

Attention is like a double edged sword. Along with all the positive reinforcements that I enjoyed more than my other siblings may have, I also got a lot of negative attention. It could have also been due to the fact that I have made more mistakes than the other children thus far. Either way, you get tired really quick of people telling you should be doing and noticing your every weakness. They may be right. All the more reason I don't want to hear it. Still, I think everyone feels that way. Not just me. It's just an excuse.

Whatever it is that makes it hard for me to take advice, the fact is that is a weakness of mine. Sure it may not be his place to tell me what I need to be doing better, but it doesn't change the fact he may have a point.

I've noticed that I've been very self-centered lately. Focusing on poor me in the here and now when I am usually better at looking at the larger picture and devoting my time to being of service to others. As soon as I pick that up again, I know that things will become much better than it has been before.

As you can see by reading my journal entries from ages before, I am still struggling with many of the same things. In a way, this is a lot simpler than it was before because I know what I am dealing with and I have closed past chapters in my life so everything isn't one big puddle of problems. I still need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I remember I learned to get good at it while I was home in Malaysia. Of course I had this blog to rely on, but when I had my focus on serving in my calling and loving my family, I felt like I had a handle on my life and I was headed in the right direction - even out of college and away from any guys I had potential with.

I had some pretty rough experiences while at home. Stuff I would never have anticipated ever living through. But it all turned out ok. Thank goodness.

What confuses me just slightly right now is where my focus should be as far as eternal marriage is concerned. Reading all those previous journal entries revealed to me who I was at the time. That was my primary focus. An eternal marriage. I haven't been focusing on that hardly at all lately. Sure I want one still, but I'm not actively seeking one out. I should have thought about it more while dating Mark but he couldn't promise me that we were headed towards marriage anyway. That was a disaster waiting to happen right from the start.

Part of maturing is realizing how I really am not mature. I felt that I was ready for the next stage before. Boy was I wrong. There was a point when I was actually getting pretty close, but messed up again. I know I'm not ready to get married yet, so romance shouldn't be my focus. But I need to be headed in that direction. So what do I do?

I think right now, I should work on my life so that I can get back to the stage where I AM ready to find "The One" and move on to more eternal things. I don't think I have found him yet and if I have, I have been too caught up in my misery to notice. He deserves a more spiritual, and more developed Fei. I'll get there.

Today marks the beginning of a long journey.