When our paths diverge.

I am so frustrated I could cry.
 
Oh wait - I am already crying.
 
I typed out this whole blog about why and so carefully put my feelings into words. Perfect time to lose a good post.
 
I'm going to attempt to rewrite it.
 
Mark and I had a discussion on the benches in between the dorms tonight. He told me that he was applying to the University of Utah for admission in the Fall because it would be a better school to apply to medical school from. Though he was very careful and gentle in explaining that no decisions had been made yet, it still felt like a bomb being dropped on my lap.
 
I cried of course. I cried while typing up the last blog about it and I am still crying now.
 
The first thing that flashed through my mind was a time in my past where I heard something similar. It was from Jared when he told me that he was going to return home for the summer and had me entertain the thought of separating - at least for that time. Only later did we discuss truly breaking up, but I am now reminded of that particular time when I had to accept my place and not let my personal desires interfere with what was best for the other. We only dated 5 weeks total. Mark and I have loved each other for over a year now.  
 
I write this reluctantly because I am trying to feign strength in hopes that I really will be strong about it. I don't really want Mark to know that I am struggling as much as I am. He has an idea. I just don't want him to know the extent of my sadness for fear that it will affect his decision. But I owe it to him to be honest.
 
He let me cry on his shoulders earlier, even though I was trying to be strong about it, telling me that if I was going to cry to do it while he could hold me. How can you be willing to let such a man go?
 
I need to say for the record that I am very proud of Mark for taking his future into his own hands, for making that step to plan his career. At the same time, it is very difficult to accept my place in this decision.
 
Mark and I have not reached that point in relationships where we become each other's priority in life. I mean, on a daily scale, we put each other at top priority, but as far as life-changing decisions go, we cannot choose based on our relationship. In essence, our lives are still separate. Until we choose to take our relationship to the next level, we cannot make choices around each other nor allow the other to affect what we chose for our future.
 
What this means to me? That no matter how much I love him, I cannot have a hold over him.
 
I remember thinking as I cried earlier, how I didn't want to be left behind again, to have the one I love in pursuit of a future that I can have no part in. I want him to choose what is best, even if it means choosing it over me. It's been done before. And life went on. But I can't bear to have it happen to me again.
 
How can you tell someone you want to spend the rest of your life with to go ahead with his without you?
 
I could beg him to stay. If going with him was an option, I could ask him to take me along. It's hard enough to choose such a change with or without me in the picutre, I know that it isn't impossible to sway him into staying. But that is not my place. It is his life, his happiness - not mine. I hope Mark will be wise enough to choose what is right regardless.
 
I know everything is still uncertain. Moving may not even be an option for him. If he doesn't get accepted, or get the application in on time, then this was all for naught. However, I want to brace myself and be prepared to react appropriately to whatever happens.
 
What do I do now? I'll be reminded of how I might lose him everytime I'm with him. I want to cherish and make the best of every minute with spend together fom now and not waste whatever time I have left with him. At the same time, if I were to lose Mark, shouldn't I get used to the idea now?
 
I don't know what will happen at this point. No one really does. I just know that I will worry about losing him all the time now. I know that I will probably cry every night until something is final, and perhaps even long after that.
 
I'll get through this. You'd think I'd be used to ending relationships by now and that it would lose its sting.

On the bright side, I guess I can look forward to going back to naming this blog "Faye's Boyfriend Replacement" once again.

Cramping my style.

Wow. I hadn't blogged for over a week and already blogger has added new features. Don't you just love it?
 
I know there is plenty to update in between then and now, especially since I have had so much fun lately with my friends in the past few days off.  However, today has been a journal entry day where no pictures are involved (therefore alot easier to post) so I really need to do this.
 
I started my day in a rather sad mood. Mark and I said goodnight before getting our alone time together last night (we had just played 'scum' and did a 1am Chevron run) so that I could call home with my sister. I've never been enthusiastic about calling home, not because I want to avoid them, but simply because it is such a strenous activity. It takes well over an hour and is often stressful because of the long distance and lousy hands-free phones, when you have to repeat yourself over and over and still can't be heard it gets frustrating. 
 
By the way, I hadn't written about this here before. Mom and Dad will be stopping over here in Hawaii next week (26-28 Jul) on the way to the mainland. The stopover here is free so they thought they'd come visit us, of course. We're running into some trouble though, since our family friends leave on vacation a couple of days from now, my parents won't be able to stay with them as planned. I'm not worried though. I have enough friends who live here to ask favors from. We'll work something out.
 
Anyway, not enjoying calling home is bad enough as it is. Imagine having to break tradition and not get to say goodnight to Mark properly before going to bed on top of that. I went to bed missing him and woke up likewise. I call Mark every morning as I'm getting ready for work (since I only get up just before work starts at 11am) to say good morning, and to let him know what time I get off work (he likes to meet me at my work when I'm done) and also always in hope that he'd be already awake or awake enough to come meet me on my way to work.
 
Well, this morning, he was sleepier than ever (or so it seemed) and while I did get to say good morning to him like I wanted, he was so tired few things registered. I was trying to hint to being disappointed not getting to see him before work but all he could think of was going back to sleep that he missed it completely and ended up saying goodbye to me on the phone.
 
Needless to say, I went to work rather glum. Not angry of frustrated or upset, simply lovesick. How pathetic.
 
Anxious to not let it ruin my day at work, I forced a smile and braved my tour. I happened to have one of the best groups ever today. A family of 5 from CA (probably Philipino) with 2 parents and 3 grown up kids (families are always fun), a mother-daughter party from Iowa, a family of 3 with a 11year old son from Pensylvennia, but the best of all was the Grandmother with her 7 year old granddaughter from Virginia.
 
It was the perfect combination of people. They were fun and excited and easy to please. It put me in a great mood and I left my lovesickness behind. Well, an hour into work, I started getting stomach cramps and a quesy feeling. Since it was about the right time of the month, I didn't doubt that it was my period. Well, it's kind of hard to start having your period in the middle of the tour.  After dropping my family (that's what I call my tour group) off to the Fiji Island show, I asked around my female colleagues if they knew a place where I could get sanitary pads.  No luck. I got a temporary fix in the restroom (you don't wanna know) but couldn't do much about it until an hour later when I went up to the customer service desk and got myself one for free.  What a wonderful society.
 
By then however, my cramps had gotten really bad it made it so hard to smile. I was also beginning to feel slightly weakened and faint which surprised me. I hadn't had such severe pain from menstruating before. I don't know what got into me or what gave me the idea, but the next thing I did was head straight to the canoe landing.
 
We give canoe tours at the center and they are pushed by these big polynesian boys. I like to sit there after my tours are done and sit with the workers there: the "Canoe Boys" therefore am very familiar with them. They were on a break as well, and I asked them to give me a blessing.
 
There was a slight delay because we had to look for oil but as soon as we got some, two of them (curse me for not knowing their names!) took me over to the janitor shed and blessed me that I would feel better and be able to continue in my duties that day. That was what I needed. The pain wasn't what bothered me so much. It was that I wanted my group to get me at my best. This group especially.
 
I wish I could say that the pain immediately went away. It didn't. An hour later, I was struggling more than ever to keep smiling and to be my usual excited self. I finally caved in and had someone radio first-aid and they came over to give me some pain-killers.
 
Not long after that, I was my usual self again. My tour ended GREAT. I got offered tips as usual, and had to turn them down. It's always an ego boost though. I never got offered tips that often before. I must be doing something different. I'm not sure if it's right, though. The little 7 year old girl, Sarah, gave me her number so I could call her. She was such a darling, but she did kick my trash at Hawaiian checkers. It was really embarassing.
 
After my tour, I went back to the canoe landing like I do everyday. To return the favor, I offered to give the tour so that the boys didn't have to push and talk at the same time. They gladly accepted. It was one their first round-trip tour that day and I think it went really well. We had some fun guests on that canoe. I wouldn't say that I was the best canoe tour guide, not being very funny nor very good at delivery even though them corny jokes are memorized. I did tell them to laugh at a joke that went bad though - that worked. How sad. All in all though, it was fun, they laughed alot, thanked me after and I felt good.
 
The blessing that I received today didn't have an immediate effect. I know you can say that it was the pills that helped me. You can see it whatever way you want. Either way, I'm glad I got the chance to be blessed at my work by those I worked with. It reminded me of what a special place I worked at, and was a reassurance from my Heavenly Father that I'd always be watched over. The blessing got me through my tour and I didn't have to quit my tour like I thought I had to. It turned out to be one of the best ones I'd ever taken. That was all I needed and that was what I got - and that's all that matters.

A picture paints 1000 words.

What about 32 of them then?

I know it feels like I'm turning this into a photoblog, but heck, it's MINE I can do whatever I want with it.





Look at the beautiful view from the beach. Rachael took these shots.




How can you not love living in a place this beautiful?




The crabs decided to come out and play while we were sitting on the shore. They were teeny tiny. Rachael captured this one too.



Rachael just started a blog and she needed pictures. Since I love taking them, we had fun.




Where do you think the story Sleeping Beauty originated from?




This is my favorite one of her.




Look at the waves!!! (Pun intended)




How about CLOSE up?




Hmmm. This makes a pretty picture...




[insert witty caption here]




I wonder how else I can waste bandwith...




How about this?





Since we're on the funky angle theme...




I didn't know which way to rotate this picture!




And of course, we had to have one with the two of us together.




Wait a minute... this blog is about me after all. Can you say "Hawaiiiiiiiii"....?




Just me and my shadow.




Me in one of my swimsuits. YES I wear a one piece. You can see my tourguide tan just below my neck with the neckline from my uniform and the seashell flower from the necklace. Eck!!!




Another one of me for good luck.



Look at that. A cute guy on the beach. Awwww....




Can you help but want to kiss that gorgeous face?




This is Mark building the wall that we finally made to be nearly 2 feet tall and as strong sand could get.




As usual, one picture isn't enough.




Tired of pictures of my boyfriend yet?




Have some more!




You can see the pewter medallion he wears all the time. It's a celtic cross or something. I love seeing it on him.




Another one close up!!!




I just love this picture. I don't know why.




I can't decide which my favorite part of the picture is: the beautiful beach, or that lucious behind! (Nope, you can't have him, he's all MINE!)




Here he is again, the object of my obsession.




King of my heart. Even in bad camera angles.




One day we're going to look back and be amazed at how happy we were. Right now, I'm just going to enjoy it.

Sun, sea, sand and living in Paradise.

What a wonderful life it is. I even have photographic proof! I uploaded all the pictures and edited them, but there are a whole 37 of them (not including the ones I didn't like and deleted)- that takes to long to publish! I'll do that later, perhaps in another post.

This week, I'm only working 19 hours a week (some sort of policy that we can't work 38 hours a week for more than 3 weeks in a month) and it has been just perfect. Phew! I work MWF, 12-6.30 or so and have Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday off. A nice change from working 38 hours a week, 11-7 daily and only have 1 rotating off-day. I feel energized to work each time. Dealing with guests that often wears me out fast!

Tuesday wasn't productive at all, I napped for most of it after having woken up just in time for lunch. Later in the evening though, Rachael and I auditioned for another movie. A comedy, this time. Glenn hinted that I probably wouldn't get casted since I was in the last one (the LEAD, nonetheless) and a ton of other people - new ones - who were pretty good had auditioned. There were nearly 20 of us, which was a surprising turnout.

Well, callbacks was yesterday. I didn't make it. I'm somewhat disappointed, but just mildly. I didn't have my hopes up at all really. I had my chance, other people get to act now. Rachael, however made it.

Well, here's the funny part: the movie is called "The Big Toe". Heaven knows what Glenn is up to this time, but whatever it is, Rachael gets to be the toe!!! She's not too pleased about it at all, the poor girl, but I think it's hilarious. You can read all about her frustration in this post.

Rachael did good in the auditions. Neither of us are sure exactly what being the great toe in the movie involves, but there will be a cast meeting for them tomorrow and maybe she can find out then. To be honest, Glenn probably isn't sure either. Hehe. Unless he gets done writing the script by then.

I don't remember if I talked about it here, but we watched a private viewing of "Shadows" last week, the movie I "starred" in. It was quite a relief for me. Seeing myself on the screen was weird but I don't think I ruined the movie like I thought I would. Someone else could probably have done a better job, but I will give kudos to myself for pulling through the most challenging acting role I've ever had. As soon as it is shown here in school in the Fall, I promise I'll get a copy and do everything in my power to get it on here so you can watch too. It's only 29 minutes long - including credits. Glenn will be publishing the preview soon, I'll be sure to hook you up!

So after another great day of work (I am getting offered tips more and more these days, I wonder what that means? Sucks to have to turn them down) I had another great day off today. Woke up at 1pm, had a simple but yummy cafeteria lunch and then headed to the beach with Mark and Rachael. We went to the Hukilau beach at first, our intention to see if we could find Scott, who had gone earlier, since we didn't see him there, and it was crowded, we decided to drive down to Pounders (both are about a 3 minute drive from campus) Neither Rachael nor I had been there before, but we like it much better than Hukilau now. Baywatch Hawaii filmed there once, last year, or the year before that. I was here then and remember many of my friends along with the rest of the school going to check it out.

Anyway, I we spent a good ammount of time there, I nearly went into the water this time. I guess technically I did, halfway. I don't usually go into the ocean when I go to the beach because I am afraid of how cold it is (hey, I'm skinny, I get cold easy!) and because I like not being all icky and sandy afterwards. I usually go to the beach for the atmosphere and for the sun. My intention was to even out my tourguide tan some.

Well, there are trees at Pounders (while there are none at Hukilau) so we layed under the shade. For some reason, instead of just doing that the whole time, Mark initiated sandcastle-building (which turned out to be just a wall) and Rachael was wanting to get up and do something anyway. I got sucked in too and helped fortify the wall. It was fun, we did a great job, it lasted for a long time.

However, in the process, waves came crashing up from behind me and all my intentions of staying dry were soon forgotten. I got the bottom half of my body wet, but since I just washed my hair that morning (yes, I am a girly girl) I decided against swimming. The sand and the waves got me just enough to create a pile of sand on my room floor later today, when I took my swimsuit off. I hate getting wet sand in my swinsuit. *shudder*

Today was the first time I'd been to the beach in a while though (the weather wasn't always sunny when I wanted to go in the Spring and I work too much during the summer) and it was nice. More fun then ever because we actually did something besides taking a nap on the beach. I would've liked that too, though. I can be rather lethargic. Especially on my days off.

We went to dinner after a few hours of play on the beach and met up with Reed. He said that after dinner, he would "cube" us all and he did - one at a time. It was fun. I'd ellaborate, but it's late, maybe some other time. Basically it was an activity where he told us to visuallize 3 things and each of its characteristics (which we imagined up) represented something in relation to our personalities and our relationship with the world. It was really neat.

After that, we thought we'd take more personality tests so headed to the computer lab in the Reading Writing Center and took a simplified Keisler (spelling?) test which once again reaffirmed that I am a ENFP. I remember blogging about that before. It was the exact same test too, I'm pretty sure. It was cool to learn about my other friends through those tests. For the next while after that though, we all wandered off on the internet and did our own things. It was really weird, sitting around together, but not interacting. We're like family that way. Reed especially likes hanging out with us, even if he's playing solitaire instead of watching the movie we are because he doesn't like it. It's strange, I know, but still really nice.

Since that was kind of silly though, we ended up moving to play a game of Simpson's Clue which I lost, of course. I've never won before, although I know how, I have a hard time keeping track of things and keep messing up my system for keeping track of who has what.

The night ended with Mark, Scott and I going to 7-11 to get some food (pork hash is YUMMY) and then scripture study with Mark. *sigh*

It was simply a great day. I'm tired now need to sleep. I'll post pictures soon. Looking through them really made me realize what a beautiful place I'm in. As much as I miss having my family nearby, I'm really grateful to be living in this tropical paradise surrounded by people I love. I wouldn't trade these memories in for the world.

When sparks fly.

Yesterday was a great day.

My tour went well, after 2 not-so-good days, it was definitely welcome. Dinner was strangely satisfying, even though it was only corned beef and cabbage. During dinner, the TV was tuned to Discovery at the cafeteria and I got sucked into watching a few episodes of their detective stories.

They turn off the TV 1/2 hour before the caf closes so I quickly called dinner done and literally ran back to the dorm so I could catch the last half of the show. It was pretty pathetic but provided Mark and Reed with a good laugh.

It was a nice change of pace to watch a couple of hours of TV. I used to be quite the junkie at home watching everything that came on from 8-2am, even the re-runs. Last night reminded me of home.

Once the second hour of TV was over, Reed hurried to turn it off so I wouldn't get sucked into a third hour. Heh. They were playing card games like Cribbage and Poker the whole time. Poor guys. After that, we played Skip-Bo and Jenga at the same time. I tried to get out a tricky piece from the tower in Jenga and Reed bet me a candy bar if I could get it out within 10 seconds. (It was 7 at first, but I got bargained for 3 more) I got lucky and got it out within 2.

Next time around, Scott bet me a candy bar for another really tricky piece. I still don't know how I managed to do it, having shifted the entire structure around with my peice, but well, the official word is that I acutally do control gravity.

We made a trip to Foodland (which we were planning to do anyway - hench the candy bars) and that's where I saw the firecrackers they had at the store. I invested 6 dollars on some "Morning Glories" and "Cuckoos".

It was fun to see how I wasn't the only one excited about fireworks. They are illegal in Malaysia so I haven't played with any for the longest time.

I've changed the name of this blog because Reed commented that I really am a little princess. You should've seen me at the toy store and Price Busters the other day, wishing I could be a mom so I could buy all the toys that I didn't have as a kid. My children will be way too spoiled.

Anyway, here are some pictures of last night. After midnight, of course, because it would have been too weird to set off fireworks on the EVE of July 4th.




Scott nearly went insane with all the explosives around him.



I got some "Cuckoos" which produced awesome spurts of sound and light. We even woke the birds in the nearby trees and put them in a state of chirping frenzy. I felt quite guilty about that actually.



Sparklies and magic wands all around! Notice Reed and Rachael on the far left of the picture. Hehehe.



And there they are again.



Setting off sparklies and firecrackers on our favorite teenage-slasher-movie lane brought some slight misfortune. A minivan drove by and egged us. And of course, they got the most innocent one, Su. She's always been appointed first to day in a slasher movie though, so it was rather appropriate. I wish they had gotten anyone else but her. Oh well. They did drive back to apologize so I felt just a little better after.



*Sigh* Fun times. It's kind of sad to notice however, how shallow my posts are becoming, due not only to the lack of time to blog, but also the lack of time to ponder. I am having fun here, as you can see and I couldn't think of anything else to ask for. At the same time, I feel like I'm growing younger everyday.

I was talking to some other tour guides while our guests were at shows yesterday and somehow talk about age came up. I asked Dwain how old he felt he was in comparison to his age. I don't remember what his answer was but I remember mentioning that I feel alot younger than 20. Sometimes I feel like a 6 year old, easily excited over the littlest things, sometimes, like a teenager with both drama and great times.

This is kind of a strange feeling to me because for most of my life, I always felt like an adult trapped in a child's body. I felt ready to be grown up. I felt that I was more mature than others my age. I was told that often too, by my parents - which probably led me to believe so more than ever.

Maybe it's maturity in me to see that I'm not as mature as I'd like to be. Contradicting as my last sentence was. I still want to be more mature than others my age. I know that I don't compare to Su in maturity, and she's younger.

I'm not too sure at this point if this is really all that bad. It's a desirable thing to always stay young at heart. There is a sort of vibrancy and simplicity I want to maintain. At the same time, I don't want to be shallow or immature. I know that while I was at home, I was working and although was still living with my family, I was forced to become somewhat of an adult, socializing with people who were older and further ahead in life than me at church, and being responsible for Young Women just a few years younger than I was. Leaving the nursery helped too.

College is a stage in life of its own. Not that we're immature per se, but we have very little responsibility, have mostly gotten past the teenage challenge of social awkwardness, don't need to deal with parents for the most part, and are in an interphase, between making important life-changing decisions. Being around people who are in the same setting also really encourages fun and laughter. That's what college is for me right now, anyway. I suppose I should feel more responsible than I do.

I'd like to think that beyond all that, though, there is a part of me that still appreciates the more serious things in life. Thankfully, not all my relations are as shallow. Mark and I maintain a deep relationship and during our quiet/alone time at night, we have a chance to seriously discuss things, and sometimes speculate at life.

I also need to give credit to the huge role religion plays in all our lives here at BYU-Hawaii for keeping us in check when it comes to spriitual and more eternal things in life.

I wonder if anyone has ever figured out how to balance out the child and adult in them. I hope at some point I can master it. I guess I'm not the only one who struggles with the balancing act of life.

Anyway, enough of pondering and being serious. I'm now going to meet my boyfriend, eat dinner, and maybe try to get a game of Guesstures started tonight.