Sister Chong.

Being only months away from turning 21, accompanied with this sprouting romance that I am encoutering, the issue of serving a mission has become more and more pressing on my mind.

Ever since I understood what a mission was, I've developed a growing desire to serve. My father always had cool stories to tell about his mission, and I grew up secretly disappointed that my mother had gotten married at 20, before getting the opportunity to serve. I remember being disapproving, even as a little girl, when she told us that a mission wasn't a priority to her. It was whatever came along first - and marriage did. I never cared that she didn't get to go to college. I cared that she didn't get to serve a mission.

I'd always been zealous in missionary work. Constantly looking for opportunities to place Book of Mormons (Books of Mormon?). Every time we would get asked in Primary or in the youth which of us were planning on serving a mission, I would always raise my hand right along with the boys while my sister had a adopted the attitude of my mother.

Whenever I would meet women who had gotten married before serving a mission, I would always shake my head in regret. What a pity, I would think. They would have made great missionaries.

I looked up to the missionaries a great deal. I went on exchanges with them constantly, sat through many discussions, knocked on many doors and would even approach people on the street. I wanted so much to be a missionary I even went through a phase where I tried to look like one. Collared blouse, long skirt, flat dress shoes, tote. Even went as far as to wear the "Future Missionary" tag. A lot. I wished that women didn't have to wait till they were 21 so I could serve sooner. I was counting down the years till I got to go.

When I came to college, I had told everyone that I was absolutely determined to serve a mission. I wasn't going to date anyone seriously till after. If you're not laughing yet, you should be. That's what the boyfriend I made 3 days later did when I first told him.

While relationships and the prospect of marriage undoubtedly have the power to affect my desire to up and leave for a year and a half, that's not the reason why my perspective has changed since.

A month or so after arriving at school, I finally received my patriarchal blessing. I don't want to talk about it too much on here, but I will mention what is relevant. I had expressed my desire to become a missionary to my patriarch. In my blessing, he said "You have the desire to serve a full-time mission."

And then there was the awful pause. Deadly silence, that lasted way too long.

"You will be a missionary the rest of your life," and he moved on to other things.

You can imagine my confusion. I'd spent my entire life planning on something and all of a sudden I had reason to entertain the idea of not going. My sister, on the other hand, didn't start really planning a mission till after she received her patriarchal blessing. I wanted THAT blessing.

Mom said that maybe I would be married before I got to go. Well, that looked probable then. I don't think I'm going to be married that soon.

I used to judge women who didn't chose to go on missions. I felt they were missing out on an important lesson for their lives, that they witholding their service from the Lord. I didn't want to be one of THOSE women.

Living here has helped me get more and more used to the idea of not serving. I have many friends, including my roommate who are so spiritual yet have chosen not to go. My mother didn't get to serve a mission, but she has served the Lord in so many other ways and I would say that she is the more spiritual half of my parents. So I shouldn't worry right?

At first, I was worried about being judged for not serving, just like I had judged all those other women. Now, I worry about missing out on a great learning experience, if not, cool mission stories to tell my children. I want to set an example for them, and for my brothers at home. I am a afraid that I will regret not choosing to serve the Lord in that way. I worry that I am not giving my all by not going.

I've done my research. The scriptures say: “If ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work.” (D&C 4:3) but they also say "Behold, I command you that you need not suppose that you are called to preach until you are called." (D&C 11:15)

When looking at what our General Authorities had to say, I found it rather frustraing that most of what I could find concerning women and missions were exhortations to the young women to support and encourage the men to serve full time missions.

President Kimball made the following statement regarding young women serving:

“Many young women have a desire to serve a full-time mission, and they are also welcome in the Lord’s service. This responsibility is not on them as it is on the elders, but they will receive rich blessings for their unselfish sacrifice. The Lord is pleased [with] their willingness to bring souls to him.” (President Kimball Speaks Out, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1981, p. 30.)

As if he'd read my mind, Pres Hinckley had said in Nov, 1997:

"There seems to be growing in the Church an idea that all young women as well as all young men should go on missions. We need some young women. They perform a remarkable work. They can get in homes where the elders cannot."

"I wish to say that the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve are united in saying to our young sisters that they are not under obligation to go on missions. I hope I can say what I have to say in a way that will not be offensive to anyone. Young women should not feel that they have a duty comparable to that of young men. Some of them will very much wish to go. If so, they should counsel with their bishop as well as their parents. If the idea persists, the bishop will know what to do.

I say what has been said before, that missionary work is essentially a priesthood responsibility. As such, our young men must carry the major burden. This is their responsibility and their obligation.

We do not ask the young women to consider a mission as an essential part of their life’s program. Over a period of many years, we have held the age level higher for them in an effort to keep the number going relatively small. Again to the sisters I say that you will be as highly respected, you will be considered as being as much in the line of duty, your efforts will be as acceptable to the Lord and to the Church whether you go on a mission or do not go on a mission.

We constantly receive letters from young women asking why the age for sister missionaries is not the same as it is for elders. We simply give them the reasons. We know that they are disappointed. We know that many have set their hearts on missions. We know that many of them wish this experience before they marry and go forward with their adult lives. I certainly do not wish to say or imply that their services are not wanted. I simply say that a mission is not necessary as a part of their lives."

The little tiny feminist in me wants to point out inequality. But such is the religion. Priesthood for men, nurturing for women, right? Seems rather unfair of me to expect my husband to have served a full-time mission and for me to escape such an obligation. Am I supposed to make up for that by becoming a mother? Why aren't all of us required to serve the Lord in the same way? Isn't it quite the double-standard?

I've heard that sister missionaries are either some of the best, or some of the worst out in the mission field. Too many of them go out for the wrong reason. Because they are still single, because that's just the next step, because they feel social pressure, because they want to prove that they are spiritual... there are countless wrong reasons to go.

I would like to think that I would make a good missionary. I love the gospel, and I have built a solid testimony. I understand the principles and the teachings and am rather familiar with the scriptures. I love to teach. I love to talk to people. I want the experience. The opportunity to live in some foreign land. Even if it's California or even Idaho. I want to devote just a little part of my life to serve the Lord.

At the same time, not all of my desire to serve is pure. There is a huge part of me that wants to prove something by going. While I don't want to go to gain a testimony (because I already have one), I want to go so I can grow. It may be a good desire, but a mission isn't about me. It's about sacrifice and service and proclaiming the gospel.

I know that choosing to serve a mission would not be a "wrong" or "bad" decision. If I go prepared having the right desire, only good can come out of it. Choosing not to go would not be the wrong decision either. What makes this decision hard is that it is not a matter of right and wrong. It is a matter of expediency.

Yet, I am still paralyzed with fear at the thought of making the "wrong" decision. I need to resolve these feelings of being "less than effective" of a woman if I choose to pursue another course.

In reality, I have not been preparing myself enough for a full-time mission. I still have braces I need to pay off, money to save up, spirituality to increase. I need to become better at listening for answers. I should not be left alone to make this decision. It's times like these that I wish that I had the priesthood so my obligations would be more clear cut.

In the meantime, I just need to start working on being prepared. Financially, spiritually, physically and mentally, so if/when that call comes I will be ready.