Momma Faye?

So I guess I hadn't really been making full use of the internet lately. I've been using it, just not for blogging. I'm not sure, but I also think that I've been on my computer less this week - that's a good thing.

Things are going quite well. I am really liking my new home and my roommate is pretty darn awesome. Nisi and I haven't seen a whole lot of each other because our schedules are almost complete opposites of each other, plus we don't run in the same social circles like Jolley and I did. We have had enough bonding time though, and I really do enjoy her company. It's kind of funny because I feel like I am the more responsible one of the two of us. Not that she's irresponsible or anything, I just feel like the older/ more mature one of the both of us. Not that I am super wise or anything, but I have mostly figured out what I want for my life and she is just beginning to. She's also been trying to work on her spirituality (which is so wonderful!) and every night that I am home as she prepares for bed, I've reminded her to read her scriptures (hehe, she left hers at home so she borrows mine. I read mine on the internet). It helps keep myself in line too.

I am reminded of a time long ago when I would be the first to wake up in the morning so that everyone would be on time for school or early morning seminary. Now, I'm happy to be up and have time to eat lunch before working at 12. Responsibility is an amazing thing.

My roommate also seems to want me to be her therapist - that's the reation I've gotten a lot lately as soon as people find out that I'm a psychology major. She wants advice on what she should do about the relationships she left behind, what major she should choose... I keep telling her therapists don't give advice and besides, I don't want to be a therapist, I want to be a friend! Like I know better than she does about what's best for her...

That she respects my opinion is flattering, though. She did go to the student development center and take one of those tests to help you choose a career like I suggested. I think she's decided on a major now. Might be social work or something. Hah.

She just reminded me of high school. The reason I am psychology major today is largely due to my nickname as the "class counselor" when I was 13. Even then, people would turn to me to talk about problems. Ask for advice. I'm not sure what I dished out, or if it did any good, but I know that the perspective the gospel gave me was probably what set me apart from many others my age. I guess people noticed that even then.

I always grew up thinking that I was more mature than others my age. The irony is that believing that I was mature enough for marriage at 18 was really quite immature of me.

Sometimes I look back at what I knew as a youth and wonder if I really am more mature now. Things were in black and white then. Necking, petting? That's gross anyway. Besides, I'm not going to kiss my boyfriend until we're engaged. Holding hands will be intimate enough.

Hahah. Good one. I guess that's what we were like in the pre-existence. We knew what you should and shouldn't do in a situation but we needed a chance to actually live and make those choices. Easier said than done as always. Reading lots of recipe books does not make anyone a good cook.

I guess wisdom really isn't what you know, it's what you do. So now I've been given the position of the "wise one", and I feel like I need to live up to it. I can only imagine what becoming a parent does to a person.

Well, I'm not a parent yet, but there are things I'm working on changing this semester. So far, I've been very careful about putting things back where they belong and keeping my room friendly. I even offered to let people use my computer. As a result, I try my best to keep things neat around here.

Since I've moved to a dorm I have never lived in before, I feel like a new student almost.It's been good to be outside of my comfort zone though. I've already made so many new friends this semester. Because most of my old friends don't eat in the cafeteria anymore, I usually sit with some of the new Asian students. This is a breakthrough for me. Even at 14 I was accused by my best friend of being predjudiced against those who don't speak good English. I was, although I refused to admit it. Already, I've made friends with a girl from Beijing, Adele who struggles with her English, but I still find myself enjoying her company and learn a lot about language as I explain some words to her every now and then. I feel the missionary side of Faye returning and I am excited to have a non-member friend. It's been a while.

Class wise, I hope to be officially registered tomorrow. I'm really excited about my psych class this term, LDS perspectives on psychology. Lots of paper writing, but I am really learning to enjoy critical thinking and blogging has gotten me into the habit of writing and thought development. There are lots of discussions in class and oh, it is stimulating! This will be good.

On the whole things are looking great. I will have great things to report to Armi on Friday. Kind of sad that I am still working opposite shifts as my sister, but the class will be worth it.

I just sent in my second appeal letter to Norma to review in the board meeting this Friday. Maybe THEN they will finally approve Beijing. It's been a tormenting wait, and I still don't know the outcome. It's been a matter of much prayer for me. I feel like that is where I need to be this summer, but I can't be sure. This really is the time for me to learn to listen for answers. It's so easy just to let decisions be made for you. "Oh, they approved my internship, so I guess that's where I need to be." "My appeal is pending? Man, all this opposition must mean that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be there!" But I don't want to take that route this time. So it got me to BYU-Hawaii and I know now that this was an experience I needed, but sooner or later I need to take a hold of my future and, with divine approval, choose for myself which path to take.

Matthew and I are growing into each other. It gets harder and harder everyday to be away. But I've probably already said that a hundred times. I have been putting a lot of thought into our relationship and it's getting to a point where I almost cannot imagine a future with anyone else. That scares me because I am so prone to building up imaginary futures around people and they have never materialized. Each time, those dreams were demolished and I'd have to start from scratch and begin the whole searching process again. I'm so picky it's hard to find what I'm looking for.

So right now, I feel that Matthew is everything that I want and I see the potential our relationship has, but I am not sure, yet, if he will be what I want in the future. What I mean is, I haven't prayed for that green light from above yet. I have a great feeling about our relationship, but that's only natural. I am afraid that I want too much for the answer to be "YES" that I am not receptive enough to a message that might be contrary to my will. Cheesy as this will sound, I just can't imagine there being anything more that I could want. I am afraid of asking because if the answer is "NO" then it will be the hardest decision I will ever have to make. Right now though, I have little reason to doubt that I will get a positive answer, but it still is a scary process. So to start, I am working on being in tune. Praying sincerely, reading and pondering the scriptures and asking first, about China.

Already I have noticed a shift in my outlook. Everything is spiritual all of a sudden. That's what I have been working towards. So if this has been to much of a Mormon-like post, I'll work hard on balancing using the "language of scholarship" with the "language of faith". But at the very core, my religion is a huge part of my identity and existence. I cannot ignore it in my writing.

Ok, this has been far too long, aimless and ranty. But now that I've got everything down for the record, I'm going to go to bed. And I won't have to push anything aside to make room for me!