If you're lost, you can look and you will find me. If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting. Time after time.

I just heard that song on the radio this morning. I'd completely forgotten about it. That was our theme song. Matthew and I.

By coincidence, he logged on while I was at work this morning and I said hi. Last time I did that was in November, I think. There's a reason why I don't talk to him often.

Faye : How are you doing, Matthew?
Matt : I am ok. How are you?
Faye : I'm doing fine. Are you still at work?
Matt : I am at work.
Faye : Ok. I don't mean to bother you.
Matt : you aren't bothering me
Faye : *HUG* Smile sometimes ok?
Matt : Are you ok?
Faye : Oh yeah.
Matt : What do you want?
Faye : Nothing. Sheesh.
Matt : You're lying. You want something, but I
don't know what it is.
Faye : Ok. Maybe for you to stop thinking that I
want something from you. Look, if it makes
it better, I don't want anything from you
anymore. You came online, I said Hi. When
someone comes online, I don't think, "Hmmmm,
what can I get from this person today?"
Matt : When I message someone, it's because I want
something, and I don't take offense at being
asked what it is. I want some companionship,
or have a question, or want to share something
that I think the other person would enjoy.
Faye : Unfortunately, I have nothing to give you. So,
it's probably a good idea I don't approach you
next time.
Matt : What would make it a good idea or a bad idea?
Faye : I don't know. Haven't put much thought into
that, I guess.
Matt : It's probably a good idea to do so.
Faye : I just don't get a normal reaction from you (I
should've said "what would make it a good idea
or a bad idea)
Matt : Did you ever get a normal reaction? I suspect
in initiating a conversation with me, what you
were not seeking was a normal reaction.
Faye : Well, I didn't get a particularly unusual reaction
when I first started talking to you nearly everyday.
I should've gotten used to getting a different
reaction than before by now. Do you treat
everyone else like this?
Matt : I recall that you did; namely that you were
talking to me every day.
Faye : You weren't the only one who did that.
Matt : That is because I fell in love with you. I am
normally aware of what a person wants and
treat them accordingly. With you I am unsure.
Faye : You know, it's really tough to talk to you
because I need to go over what I say over
and over beforehand. And you still find some
weakness in whatever I blurt out.
Matt : If you spoke honestly, you wouldn't have that
difficulty of trying to remove contradictions.
Faye : I'm trying to be straight up with you
Matt : Isn't that a Paula Abdul song? (One of the few
artists that we could agree on)
Faye : I'm just the kind of person that contradicts
myself at every sentence
Matt : Yes. I know.
Faye : Goodness knows what YOU saw. lol.
Matt : I valued your courage and ambition and
intelligence. Your sense of life.
Faye : Oh, and where'd THAT all go?
Matt : I don't know. I lost you, and you rejected
me after that, and I can understand why.

(He likes to think it's his fault for turning me away when he came to visit me in Hawaii . That's when we officially "broke up". I kept trying to get back with him and finally just moved on to other things. Or people. Like Jared. Truth is, I would've broken up with him anyway, in time. You can see how totally uncompatible we are already. But he takes the blame instead. *sigh*)

Matt : And now, I think you a ship lost at sea that
can only save itself.
Faye : You know, personally, it just really bothers
me that you think you're superior than I am.
I really respect you and look up to you part
hasn't changed.
Matt : I associate you with incredible happpiness;
losing you is what is negative and more painful
than anything ever.
Faye : and YES your opinion is important to me.
Matt : I don't think I'm superior to you. I don't think
of you in that context.
Faye : Well don't talk to me as if you are then.
Matt : You mean talk to you without thinking?
Faye : lol. I give up.

(I just remembered, as I recap this, how he hated my lols. I dropped them for a long time and switched to "Heh" for a while.)

Matt : You wish me to not express to you my natural
thoughts and reactions to what you say to me?
Faye : No, I appreciate your honesty. I just wish those
weren't your honest feelings. Not that I can change
that. Nor should I try to. *Pause* I figured out
what I want. I'd like a little respect from you.
Matt : What does that mean?

He just keeps questioning my every statement. Perhaps me getting all defensive is a sign of my weakness and insecurity. Sucky.

Faye : It's not that you're disrespectful. I would just like
for you to not look at everything I do as a sign of
me being lost or beyond repair or whatever it is
you take me as.
Matt : I would like to respect you to.

Oh, ouch! Unfortunately, he takes me for an example of the rest of the Mormons and insist that my behavior is a result of the Church's brainwashing.

Matt : Since I stopped prostrating myself to you
around the summer, and stopped trying to
get you back, I dated a lot of women. I slept
with one a few times (She had never had more
than one orgasm at a time - boy was she
surprised)
HeLLO! He was getting ACTION?! Way to go Matt!

Matt : It was all meaningless and I realized a few
things - it was just my lack of self confidence
that was driving it. In the last few months,
I came to a few conclusions. One, I didn't need
anyone to generate my self esteem, it came
from me alone.
Faye : Ok. (I still need to learn that)
Matt : Two, I love you. And I don't care if you never
talk to me again. Or if you get married and
have a dozen kids or wind up as a KL prostitute
turning a dozen tricks a day. You will never
want me back, I don't care. But I love you,
and I'm just going to go on with my life. Knowing
that I am honest with myself, and not telling
another woman I love her when it's you I want,
or swearing to protect and serve her when I
would take a bullet for you without question if
you would allow me to. I am myself, I don't care
what anyone thinks, and I am, as best I could be
without you, happy.

.................................................................

*sigh* Yep. That's the Matt I fell in love with. I was 16 then. Not that I have grown any wiser since. I hadn't the slightest clue who he was when I did. I learned later and learned to love it. That part still hasn't really changed. I looked desperately for people like him to succeed him, so to speak. I found one. He didn't like me. Took me a couple of relationships more to I see how horribly mismatched we would have been. Matt and I, or me and this other guy like him idea.

Matt's favorite author was/is (which tense do I use? I'm so confused!) Ayn Rand (Author of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged - both very well written books). I loved her for a while too - because I mould my tastes to that of my partner. I know, I know. Another thing to add to your list of Fei's flaws. I understand now why he loved her writing. Or perhaps have seen the influence of her writing on him. She founded a highly contraversial philosophy called "Egotism" or something.

In her books, the protagonist were people who were extremely capable and rich - because of their drive to achieve and make money (she fought fiercely against Communism - she herself having fled for freedom in the USA from the Soviet Union) The good guys in her books, were ones who were proud and rich and successful and hated for it. They didn't care what other people thought of them. Often they were lonely and without friends besides business partners who were exactly like them.

The bad guys, were the moochers. The people who procrastinated and were against the monopoly, making laws to limit the good guys' progress and rode on the success of those who were doing all the work. These people were unsure of themselves. Constantly begging for praise and approval. They would always talk about how love was unconditional, that the undeserving need more love. In contrast, her idea of the ideal man didn't love blindly. He loved only that which was good.

Alot of the things she believed in, can be taken to as in conflict with the Church's teachings. At the same time, so very much on the mark.

I don't see things the way she did. But why I brought her up was because, Matt is every bit like Howard Roark from "The Fountainhead", or John Galt from "Atlas Shrugged". And I, not much different from the bad guys she portrayed. I like to think her imagery was a gross exaggeration of what people were really like.

But what still baffles me is what the heck Matt thought he was in love with. Or why he still won't let go completely. Who knows.
...............................................................................

Matt : I need to be asleep at 8 because i get up at 4 to
run. I must go now. You would be proud of how
the minutes have dropped off my 3 mile time.
Faye : I am already. Thank you. It was nice to catch a
glimpse of what I liked about you.
Matt : Whether I respect you or not is entirely in your
hands. Respect isn't charity, and I respect you
just enough to know you wouldn't accept it as such.

(There you have it Ayn Rand's definition of love - respect)

Matt : I have to go. I get up early so I can eat and get
digested within an hour. I study Mandarin in the
mornings while I digest.
Faye : Wow. Ok. (Studying mandarin? Neat!!!) Have a
good evening
Matt : Wa Ay Ne.
Faye : Wo zhi dao.

----------------------------------------------------
This is an edited version of our chat. I joined things together to make it easier to read. I didn't rephrase anything, but I took out irrelevant things that would be confusing and some of the comments I made that I look at now as impulsive and stupid. Foolish things.

I didn't publish this for you to say "What a jerk" or something. In fact, I side with him. And I think you should too. Bluntness is hard to swallow. Especially for me - I like to wrap everything nicely and make it look like everyone is just SO amazing!

For those of you who have dated me, yeah. This is what goes on between Matthew and I. I've been told over and over not to contact him anymore. I know I shouldn't. It's not hard not to. As you can see. Most times so far, the conversation got as far as "What do you want" and then I'd give up and say "This is why I shouldn't call". Then do it again - 2 months later.

All in all, I know his opinion isn't really important. And yet, I've kind of made it my lifetime goal to become the kind of person Matt could be proud of. He saw something in me then. I can't let that die with that relationship.

And, the next time I fall in love, it will be with a guy I can be friends with even after the love thing falls apart. Although, I plan for that part to never happen again.