Look at me, my depth perception must be off again

This hurts deeper than I thought it did... you got much closer than I thought you did.

Hi. As of right now, I am looking up someplace on this vast internet to find the song "Rest in Pieces" by Saliva (the name bugs me. I suddenly become conscious of my swallowing! Not cool!) Couldn't find it on anywebpage. So now I'm downloading Kazaa with my crappy dialup connection. This baby has amazed me sometimes.

Today's been a busy day. It's been good. *sigh* I still dread night the most. I took a nap from 7-11 last night. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep much after that. Took me a couple of hours to fall asleep again and I think I only slept for a couple of hours after that.

Yesterday was one of those days when I just really, really, really missed Mark. I always push that thought aside. But that's why they say that denial isn't just a river in Egypt, huh?

I know he misses me too, when he stops to think about it. It's not nice realize that I actually like knowing that. I know I love being needed and wanted. That scares me. It shows exactly how insecure I am. I don't want to be the kind of evil empress you hear about in stories, where they gain power and security by making men fall in love with them yet be untouchable.

Touch. Hmm. I hardly know what that word means anymore. Mark was here in July. Since then, I've hugged family. Some girl friends. Held hands with my brothers. My parents insist on hugging me after every pep talk. I sorta hug back. Mom and dad have been cool. They've gotten off my back alot. But that just means they're watching in displeasure from the sidelines. I got asked today 3 times why I'm still here. I still don't know what to answer. Especially when my parents are around. Otherwise, I fake a smile and tell some lie about Dad needing help in the office and pretend to be the good samaritan. Or tell them that I got grounded from college. Whichever one works.

I haven't dwelt on the fact that I'm here still for a while now. It just brings up alot of anger and jealousy - and bitterness. I don't deny that it's not surprising. It's just sometimes, I really wonder what I'm getting done here. Obviously nothing, if I'm not trying to improve. I've been in a slump since Mark left here for Hawaii again.

*sniffle* You know those airport farewell scenes they have so often in soap operas. Guy leaves girl or vice versa, and it's all teary. Yeah well. I've had at least 4. All within 8 months. I hate airports.

Leaving the US was tough. But I accepted it. I had a crappy spring anyway. And family nearby - anyone! - would be nice. I wish I had been sadder to leave Mark behind in Hawaii. But I was looking forward to seeing Jared again. Then, I had to leave Jared and what then felt like the love of my life behind.

I was certain that if I wanted him to, Mark would stick around for a while and we could still date. Then he came here, to visit me. I had cried alot before. Every other plane flight I've been on have been spend crying. But when Mark left, I cried all the way home from the airport and didn't stop till I fell asleep that night. I cried for a whole week after that. And then everytime I looked over at my passenger seat. And drove past the hotels he stayed at. Or sat with an empty seat next to me in church.

It was great to have him visit. But it just seemed so much lonelier after. I had spent the 2 weeks I was home getting excited for him to visit. Nothing depressing about that. After he left, it just felt like he was leaving me stranded. "Now what?" was the question on my mind. It kind of still is.

I've forgotten what it was like. It seems like a vague dream leaning on Mark while watching TV right there on the couch. Or having him sit next to me at dinner. Or having him in my car next to me. I don't remember what it's like to hold the hand of someone you love dearly- much less what it's like to be kissed. I just don't remember.

Memories fade with time. I know it's supposed to be a good thing. But I don't want to forget. I want to be able to relive every moment of when I am lonely. I can't now. I can only long for that again. I don't even remember the first time we said "I love you" to each other.

When you don't even really have memories left, the world just feels very empty.

So, I brace myself for another day of talking to Mark without really talking. And saying "I love you" without saying it. Telling him "I miss you" every 3 days or so - so I don't sound desperate.

Smile when he sees me on the camera. Tell him about the GREAT things I did with my day. Then after he goes to bed, look forward to the TV shows on tonight and to go to bed so I can start a new day when I can look forward to... ... ... wondering when I'd talk to Mark that day.

Going to work in the mornings is a real drag. It's like going home to an empty house when you've just lost your wife. There's no one there to greet you. You just do something routine to fill up the gaps. Or just sit and stare for a while. Until you're ready to start living again. I know we broke up. I know I shouldn't plan on getting back together with him. But is it ok if I look forward to seeing him in Hawaii again. Just so I can have something to work towards or simply look forward too. It beats looking forward to CSI on TV on Mondays.

Pretty pathetic, I know. And here I'm trying to prove that I can chose not to be obsessed over a guy and not let it rule my life. Shyeah right.

So instead of obsessing over that, I spend my time focusing on the more important things in life like why the heck they don't have anything good on TV Thursday and Friday. Or how it would be like to watch a movie alone. Or how my tan looks and if my arms are getting any bigger. Or freaking completing downloading freaking Kazaa so I can freaking get that freaking song on my freaking computer.

*sigh* I'm just in such a good mood, can't you tell?

Not everyday is like this. Some nights, I spend time curling my hair with my curling iron just before I sleep and mess it up and play with my makeup and think, "this is fun!". Or remind myself how I look like in the swimsuit I bought 4 months ago and am waiting to go to Hawaii to wear it. Or do something stupid behind locked doors since I have the room to myself like imitate a cheesy shampoo ad (I did that when I was little, in the bathroom in front of the mirror. lol) And have a good laugh with myself.

Or shuffle through my CDs looking for songs to suit my mood. All the songs just aren't sad enough.

I'm not the only lonely one in the world. What do other people do? Widows, and the elderly, and the spinsters? They do that year after year. I know I need to try harder. In the spring, my depression term at BYUH, I took my own spring break and slept through everything but work. When I finally decided it was time to not feel self pity, I visited Sharrie. I don't even remember how to spell her name anymore. Dear Sharrie was always so glad to have visitors. I'll bet she still asks for blessings whenever she gets a priesthood holder in thee. I remember going to the retirement home with the Malaysians and seeing Grandmama Florence again. She called me her daughter. Wonder if she's still there.

In moments where I'm turning outward, the really feel happy. Somedays, I just feel so good and think that things are going to start looking up. And then at night, it just feels like nothing's changed. I'm going to keep faking it till I make it. But it sure is taking its time. I'm going to be tired of pretending to be happy soon.

I'm thinking maybe, I should start flirting again. Not with the missionaries, I promise! Like maybe instead of trying hard not to look at the cute guy in the car next to me who waved, I should try looking over, winking and then driving off? Sounds fun. lol.

Wrting mails to Amy help me feel better. She's in a bigger slump than I am. I have to sound all cheery in my emails to her. It's almost like my fake journal therapy idea. Helps me focus on the good things in my day.

What do I do when she's gone?

I suppose I could start complying to the urge to throw pity parties like this and start writing happy blogs. I guess I could do that, yeah.

Anything to make this empty feeling leave me.

Could you find it in your heart, to make this go away
And let me rest in pieces...