Almost enough to make me cry.

After having stayed up to write that song last night and needing to wake up early this morning for a 7.30 meeting, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night.

For some strange reason though, I was in the BEST of moods today. It took a while to drag my sorry butt out of bed, but once I was up, things just went smoothly. I was so cheerful and excited about church - didn't struggle to stay awake once! Church was awesome today and I was definitely edified. Lunch was nice and social. The food wasn't have bad and I had a dreamcicle. Highlight of my day right there.

Mark wasn't online like I thought he would be when I got home but I wasn't complaining - that meant I could jump right into bed and take a nap. I slept till about 5pm when Mark called me. After talking to him (it was a cheery conversation - I was getting the idea that he was avoiding me so it was nice to find out otherwise), I wasn't tired anymore. Strange. I usually nap right past dinner, but after that little sleep I was STILL awake! Amazing.

I managed to get into the cafeteria - excuse me - I mean The Club just as they were shutting the doors. Wasn't much food left but I was very happy with my granola and frosted flakes. It's been a while since I've had cereal. I miss the times when they had lucky charms.

After dinner, there was Gospel Forum for the Singapore, Malaysian and Vietnamese Club. 6 people spoke, 4 who were preparing to go on missions and 2 return missionaries. Su was the first speaker. I really felt the spirit strongly. Part of what made it such a great experience was just watching my friends go up and speak about the gospel. I don't spend alot of time with friends from my own country. Not because I don't want to, it's just the way our social groups work. Today as I watched them speak of the gospel and home, it struck me that we all knew each other before and how firm in the gospel we all were. It's hard to describe, but it made me think of home so fondly. What was cool was that when they spoke of home and the things they did and the people they did things with, I knew exactly what they were talking about, because I had been there too. That doesn't happen very often here in college where we all come from such diverse backgrounds.

There we are, this bunch of kids from Malaysia, so far away from home, yet we still gather together, as if it was for Seminary or Single Adults back home, except we're not. We're in Hawaii. No adult supervision. Just us. It felt so much like home that I half expected to walk outside and find myself in the Malaysian city again. What strong members we are. I think the leaders at home have a good reason to be proud of those who are here in school. Not too long ago, we were just little kids running around the compound at church, now we're adults together in a foreign land sharing our testimonies with each other. I don't know why I'm so much in awe of that. I just am.

After that, Su and I headed to my ward prayer. I'm the co-ordinator so I am sort of in charge. We played some games before Su and I did a musical number. It was wonderful because I felt like I really belonged there. It's a nice feeling, to really belong somewhere. Doesn't happen very often so I appreciate it when I can.

Later, Su came over to my room and we watched the DVD my parents sent Su on her birthday on my Mama Jolley's laptop. *sigh* Already today I felt homesick numerous times. First at church, I sat behind two boys aged 6 and 10. Very close to my brothers ages. I go to a single's ward therefore having children is a very rare privellege. I sat there thinking about my family the entire time at church. One of our speakers spoke of his little 5 year old brother back home. It made me cry.

And then video of family and home. I didn't cry while watching it but it was wonderful. I have the most amazing family in the world. I wonder why my heart was suddenly turned to home today. It doesn't happen very often, why then all of the sudden all at once?

After that, I went over to the boy's dorms. Hale 4. I'd been waiting to go there for a while already as soon as I found out that Barnabas II was working that night (he'd stopped by gospel forum for just a little bit, pleasant surprise).

Ok. I'm tired of having to correct myself everytime I type Richie to replace it with Barnabas. I give too many details to even bother with giving him a new name. Richie is an RA in Hale 4 like JD and Jared. He's Japanese, but from Hawaii, about 3rd generation, I think. He speaks Japanese but only because he served his mission there a year ago.

See. That wasn't so hard now was it?

I don't know why I went to see Richie. I suppose I had nothing better to do and as much as I say that I've given up on him, I haven't. I went there in hopes to play part of the DVD for him to show him my family but he was kind of busy so I didn't even bring it up. He gave me his journal to write in. That was strange. I didn't know why he did that or what he wanted me to put in there, but I wasn't complaining. He walked away on errands and I got to flip through his book. He keeps a good journal. Almost like a scrapbook - just like mine was. I thought that was impressive. I resisted the urge to pry for the most part but did read a short phrase or two in an old entry about how much he liked a girl. I didn't bother looking for the name. I just met him, but I know Richie enough to know that he can go crazy over a girl.

Su came and joined me to return a borrowed shirt to Scott and JD came by and made conversation with us. Richie was in the background doing his own stuff. The conversation was interesting though. Scott has a T-shirt that says "geek" on it and we all love it because it is perfect. Su brought that up because she wanted people to understand her and asked what her T-shirt would say. After going through some ideas like "Don't Even Bother Trying" (my idea - I'm her sister, I can be mean like that)or "Gymnast" (her idea) or "I can kick you where it hurts" (JD's idea), I finally came up with one that she liked the most: "Righteous".

JD's shirt will say "Return Missionary" or "I already have a girlfriend". Mine will simply say "Flirt". No one will argue with me on that one. JD said it should be something like "The answer is no" but since I do have a shirt that says "Ask Me Out", I don't want to contradict myself. I want one of those Teen Girl Squad shirts so bad. One that says "I have a crush on every boy" at the back. That would be wicked cool. I've always wanted a shirt that says "I speak Engrish". We need to get together and discuss cool T-shirt ideas once more. It's a great creative, humorous and thought provoking excercise.

That was a fun conversation, but for some reason I felt awkward still. I felt weird for being there to see Richie. I was afraid that he would be put off by it so as soon as the girls needed to leave the dorms, I left with Su to go home. I just didn't know what I was hanging around for. He seemed to be in a funk, kind of distracted (well, that's actually normal for him) but looking more worried than usual.

I decided after getting home that I would go back out there again at midnight when he'd be done with work just to see if he wanted to talk or something. I knew I was pushing it, but I couldn't just sit in my room.

At midnight, I stopped by just as he was closing up and said hi, all nervous that I would make things awkward again. To my surprise, he said that he was actually just about to call me. Maybe he was just saying that. People do that sometimes. Whatever it was, I kicked myself for not giving him a chance to take the more aggressive role. I told him I stopped by because I thought he might want company. He looked so surprised and very flattered. Like I remember him being the first few times I'd stop by to see him. Hmmm. Maybe there's still something there, I thought to myself.

I waited for him to finish up and he comes out with his Ukulele. Man. Any guy that can play music is a sexy, sexy man. He also plays guitar and the drums. How awesome is that?

We wandered around aimlessly for a while making small talk before stopping by the hallway in the McKay building. He sang me a few songs including my theme song "Brown Eyed Girl". I tried to play a couple of things on the Uke, but I wasn't about to embarass myself in front of a pro so it didn't last very long. I asked him alot of questions about his past and then we moved on to talking about his past relationships - what I was really interested in.

Heh. Something funny happened that I can't pass up mentioning. While talking, I let out an involuntary fart. Quick but audible, although thankfully odorless. I stopped mid-sentence to apologize in total embarassment, turning red while I tried to laugh it away. He said "bless you" but I couldn't continue with the conversation because I was doubling over laughing. He said he thought I was joking at first. Crap. I should have led him to believe so. Why don't I ever think of that?

Then he went on to say that he thought that it was cool because he just had a conversation with Jared not too long ago and had asked if girls ever farted. He may be a liar (a sweet one though)- I need to check with Jared. It was just awesome how he was able to make the situation so comfortable and made me feel at ease.

After that episode was over, we finally moved on to Megumi, the girl he talks to in Japan. Apparently she'll be moving here in the Winter to go to school. He's helping her plan everything out. I don't know why I put myself through that. I alredy knew he was crazy over her I didn't have to hear him talk about it some more.

This situation reminds me of one I had 2 years ago. There was this guy who I liked alot (he reminded me of Matthew, I think that's why). To me, we had everything in common. He was the eldest of 6 kids. 2 boys first then 4 girls. He was a pyschology major, he always had something smart to talk about. We always got into a deep conversation while around him. Best part? He played the guitar and had a beautiful voice. I thought I was head over heels for him so I tried to get close to him. Every once in a while he would open up to me and I felt like I was on the in but we weren't in the least bit compatible, despite all our "similarities" and I tried so hard around him, I wasn't being myself. I concluded that he didn't like me real fast, but kept trying anyway only to make things even more awkward between us.

He's married now. In fact I think he and his wife just had a baby. He married the girl he met the same time he met me. I was always afraid that he would like her better. Oh well.

I wasn't crushed when I found out that it wasn't going to work, but I was definitely disappointed. I hung around for too long though. I should've given up and just moved on to other guys.

I'm afraid this is what will happen with me and Richie. Me trying to be his friend anyway so maybe he'll change his mind - or maybe if things don't work out with him and Megumi he'll open his heart to me. Who knows what my mind is conjuring up.

Part of what makes me so much more confused is the signals he sends. I get mixed signals from him. Probably because he's still unsure. I've noticed that he hasn't shown as much excitement everytime he sees me anymore. Maybe I need to step back and not hound him for a few days. He'll tell me all about this girl he is in love with and what he hopes for... but then he'd talk about this other girl that seems to keep appearing in his life who he is somewhat interested in so he kind of wants to see where things would go there. I play dumb, but I'm pretty sure that he was talking about me.

He also confessed to me on our walk home that he looks forward to seeing me alot. Like he'd wonder if I'd stop by to see him at work. Not knowing what to say to that I discounted it saying that it was probably because I look like Megumi. He told me that our personalities are very different but did agree that he could be treating me as his Megumi here. If that makes any sense to you at all.

We hugged goodnight after he walked me home and now here I am.

This is interesting. A guy with issues that I usually have. RED FLAGS pop up everywhere! But I keep going back for more. I'm disappointed. But yet I'm still hopeful. I don't know what I'm trying to do. I just don't. I don't need a relationship. I don't need Richie to like me. I don't need to hang around him more to find myself liking him more and more. But I'll do it anyway.

This is confusing. I could almost be heartbroken. I better not let myself.