Butterflies and Imaginary Kisses.

Do you remember what it's like to get butterflies in your stomach? I'm sure I have recently, I just can't really remember when. Or with who.

I went on my date with Tonu today after having slept through all my morning activities. Because we come from such diverse cultures, he had a hard time trying to come up with an idea of what to do. We ended up driving to Haleiwa to eat what was lunch for the both of us (although it was 4pm by the time we got there) at the Kua Aina burger joint. We talked the entire time and it was good conversation. We learned alot about each other and our cultures.

There wasn't much flirting if any at all which was great - espcially since I don't have much romantic interest in him if at all. It was very relaxed, very comfortable. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

One of the more thought provoking things that Tonu and I talked about today was about butterflies. You know, the kind that get caught in your stomach. He was telling me about how there are some people who just cause you to get all jittery when you're around them, so worried about how you'd act and what you say. It is the most dreadful, yet most wonderful feeling in the world.

That got me thinking. I've known a couple of people to have admitted that they got the butterflies around me. It's awfully flattering. And very cute. What is it based on, what does it mean, and what does it lead to?

For some reason, I don't seem to get them very often. Or at least I don't remember when I do. I remember some definite butterflies with Joel, but it was based solely on his good looks. Now that I've gotten to see more of him, the butterflies have disappeared, along with the desire to be around him.

The reason why this particular subject is of interest to me now is because I am trying to analyze the way I feel about certain people and the way I felt in past relationships. Trying to draw a correlation of some kind.

At this point in my life, I'm looking for people who I can be attracted to. With a list as long as mine, it's alot harder than I'd like it to be. How essential are those butterflies in chemistry and attraction?

Take Barnabas II for example. I may not need to worry about it anymore, but I spent alot of the time spent with him trying to figure how I truly felt about him. I wasn't sure if I was extremely attracted to him but was hesistant to move forward because I just broke up so I subconsciously guarded myself and tried to stop myself from falling too hard, or if I was simply over analyzing. Maybe we got along but there was no spark. No butterflies. No chance.

Is the lack of the jitters what makes people become just friends instead of lovers? Is that why people I get along with well don't seem to be interested in dating me? Or is that just the way I look?

I have to put more thought into this. I don't have enough information or examples to work with right now.

I got home from my date around 6pm and spent the next hour talking to Mark.

*sigh*

I wish things were going better for him. I'm trying to force myself to move on but it's so hard on him. And that makes it hard on me. Emily commented on how I am always sad after talking to him. It's true. I know as I type this that he will read this and beat himself up for dragging me down and holding me back. I don't know what to do. I have to be so careful not to hurt him because it kills me to. But it seems that no matter what I do, I inflict some pain.

I'm so afraid. I'm afraid that this means that I'll have to break off from him completely. Just like I did with Matthew. Everytime I talked to Matt, he would remind me of how miserable he was without me. It got so unhealthy I had to break away from him before I sank. I still can't talk to him because he hasn't moved on from our past.

*deep breath*

On a happier note, our friend Shem's movie "The Nobody" premiered today. Starring Jared and a ton of other people here at school. I even had a part in it. It was only for half a second but it was still a really, really cool movie anyway. He did a great job having written (well, it wasn't scripted, but still...), filmed, edited and even acted in it himself! It was humorous in true Shem style and we all left the room impressed. I know I did - and I already thought highly of Shem's creative abilities.

Because of that, I was suddenly filled with the desire to write a song. I've written a couple before - but I wouldn't admit to having written them today. Not having been exposed to anything but pop music, love songs and church music at that point, and being less mature than I am now, you can imagine my embarassment of what I wrote.

I went home feeling inspired, but I had NO CLUE what to write a song about. I couldn't think of something I liked enough. And then, Mark said hi. We talked for a little while, saw each other on cam (what masochists we are) and made each other cry before saying goodnight. I've spent the time working on my song ever since while listening to the depressing sounds of Coldplay.

I've been so used to writing free poetry that I found the rhyming very restricting. Do songs even need to rhyme nowadays? I looked up lyrics to some of my favorite artists to get ideas but I couldn't find any consistency. In the end, I rhymed some of it just in case and in other parts, I couldn't be bothered. I HATE rhyming! If it doesn't work, there's room for change. This is a work in progress.

How am I supposed to do this? Lyrics first then tune, vice versa, or simultaneously? I wish I had this whole song-writing thing down. I haven't even worked on the music yet. That is what I'm afraid of the most. That's what decides what kind of song this will become. I want it to be rock, like the music I love. But I don't even know how to play rock on the piano. Only pop. And classical. And churchy stuff. And anyway, most rock music is composed on a guitar. Doesn't it all start in an accoustic form?

Maybe I'll recruit some help from some of my more muscially inclined friends. Not that I don't have any musical talents. It's just that what I have doesn't seem to do me much good. Not yet anyway.

Since it's all written up now, I might as well post it. Maybe even get some constructive criticism before I put this into music. Or perhaps get some help with THAT.

Tell me what you think:

Imaginary Kisses
by Fei.

So near yet so far
as I watch you on a glowing screen
Reminded of how you left me here
in pursuit of your dream.

Pretending to smile
as you tell me about your day
I sit longing for your touch
trying to imagine the pain away

Chorus:
Imaginary kisses, blown into the air
My heart emptier than my clenched fist.
Wishing I could feel you there
Instead of feeling like this.

I capture each kiss
Catching a little nothing
Nothing like that searing pain in my chest.
Then press them to my lips in agony.

I close my eyes
Flashbacks play in black and white
Like old films of us in my mind.
Haunting me with memories.

Imaginary kisses, blown into the air
My heart emptier than my clenched fist.
Wishing I could feel you there
Instead of feeling like this.

Bridge:
All the make-belief we do
Binds me to you like a chain / is driving me insane
I try to be free of you
But what I really long for
is for these kisses to be real again.
Real again.

Imaginary kisses, blown into the air
My heart emptier than my clenched fist.
Wishing I could feel you there
Instead of feeling like this.

Instead of feeling like this.