The cheese stands alone.

That's sad.

Mama Jolley used that for her random quote of the day. You can already tell what kind of mood I'm in.

I orginially came up with that because Carrera was teasing me about spending all my time with my friend Compaq. I corrected her saying that it was my friend Dell. And then I thought of the farmer in the dell. And then, of course, I remembered the cheese. The poor, solitary cheese.

I really believe that there is something wrong with me.

On Wednesday, I got bored so I started dressing up in my room with no intention of going out. Something I used to do a lot when home. I felt like doing something different so I attempted the "bad girl" look with dark eyeliner under my eyes and such. I should've taken pictures. Oh well.

Then I realized that it was stupid to get all dolled up for nothing so I talked my roommate into dressing up with me and going out somewhere. Anywhere. The only place we could think of was Jared's "study group" (a code name for his second job at the hardware lab, which he isn't supposed to have) where he's at every Tuesday and Wednesday night. I usually go there to do homework and chill. A lot of other people do as well because we can't think of anything better to do.

So we leave the dorm, (me with my Taboo game in hand, just cause) only to find Jared kissing his girlfriend goodnight on the other side of the courtyard. Oh great. (Which is worse: that he has a second job, or that he plays hookie from it?) We make a slight detour and go to Hale 4, the guy’s dorms, hoping to run into someone we know. I don't think we did.

Long story short, we finally ended up at the "Study Group" with Jared, at 11.30pm. A half hour before we needed to leave anyway, sort of playing Taboo with each other while Jared worked on his computer. Fun stuff. Carrera stopped by, and then Shem and Erika did. It picked up for a while. Shem said fun funny things in Taboo. Emily and I were glad to have another guy get to see us dressed up. Not that Shem is so special or anything, but he's a guy. He counts. Impressing girls doesn’t do anything, ya know.

Not long after midnight, Jared closes up and leaves as usual (he always leaves early to do his own stuff) and we chill outside for a minute. Listen to Shem give a sermon about something or the other. Shem entertains us, and we like having him – even though he annoys the crap out of us when he starts talking about girls again (always something negative). Only he doesn’t seem to care for us very much (like he’s too cool for us – though it’s probably because he can’t use us for anything), so we sort of don’t like him very much. One day I’ll figure that out.

He finally leaves after he gets what he wanted, a CD we were burning on Erika’s laptop, but Erika wants a hot pocket and caffeine so we walk to Chevron – the only 24 hour place within walking distance from us. The cool people with cars drive to 7-11 in the next town.

Reed comes and joins us. OOOH REED! I haven’t done anything social with him for way too long. But for some reason, I’m already having seconds thoughts about leaving campus, thinking about using the excuse of needing to sign out a reason to go back to my dorm and not go back out again.

I don’t get it! I whine and complain all the time about having nothing to do and when I get the chance, I miss my room, my Dell, my games, the blog, and cursed Homestarrunner.com!!!!! What the crap?

I force myself to go anyway, not because I wanted anything from Chevron, but because I wanted to be social. I spent a great deal of that walk missing Mark though. We did that a lot with our friends. After he left, the tradition continued, and I was ok, but after that, I disappeared and now I can’t do it without thinking of him anymore.

I did have a pretty good conversation with Jolley and Carrera, though. I told them how I missed my calling in church before. I mean, from back home. The nursery one, yes, but more the one I had with the Young Women. When I was home, I constantly blogged about Rachael and the other girls I got to work with, or the Whitakers, whom I babysat. I talked about the people I served all the time. Including my family. That’s what pulled me through the time I was home. I hated it. Not having a social life, being away from Mark. Being out of school and having to work in a company I disliked for my DAD no less. Yeah. It sucked HARD. But I learned to love being home because I felt like I was needed there. I found purpose in what I was doing. I was making a difference in someone’s life. I didn’t figure out to do that until six months after I was home, but when I finally did, things fell into place.

It pulled me through my parents’ separation. It was pretty darn powerful.

Since I’ve been here, everything has been revolving around me. I don’t really worry for anyone anymore. Just Mark, and occasionally my family. None of whom I can really serve. I could do more for them, I guess, but there are people closer to me who I could be paying more attention to.

I have a calling in church now. I am the Ward Prayer coordinator. I enjoy it a lot and am by no means complaining about having a small calling. I don’t think it’s that small. I wouldn’t have picked it out of a list, but I do love it. Still, it’s not a calling where I’m put in stewardship of people, where it becomes my duty to care for someone, and to worry about them, and to pray for them. I almost wish I had that responsibility given to me so I am obligated to serve.

I then realized that I do have people I need to watch out for: the sisters I visit teach. I’ve been a slacker and haven’t gotten to really know them. We missed visiting them last month. What was I thinking?! We did try, but not hard enough.

Whatever it is, I know I need to be doing more for others. Being self-centered only helps me focus on my misery more. I need a bigger cause, something greater than myself.

And now, back to feeling sorry for myself.

So Wednesday came and went. On Thursday, I took a nap at 5pm, and didn’t wake up till 10am this morning. Ok. I did wake up at 7.45pm, but was still tired and too lazy to do anything, so I went back to bed. I missed out on the big band concert I was planning on attending, but other than that, I don’t think I missed out on much.

Today started pretty good. I got paid, I got my tent in the mail, my tour was fun, I got asked out by Tonu, a Samoan tour guide I work with. We joke around a lot (well, duh, he’s Samoan – that’s all they do) and flirt back and forth. He calls me beautiful and I play along and call him handsome. Our manager, Tipa, asked him when we were going out (he’s Samoan too), Tonu turned and asked me. I said Friday. Then Tipa asks what time, Tonu turns, asks me, and I said something. I don’t remember what. It went back and forth until we had all these plans made for what would’ve been tonight’s date. All in good fun. (We joked about watching the IMAX movie before dinner at the Gateway restaurant – where we eat at in between taking tours, followed by a “romantic” canoe ride on the PCC lagoon)

Today, he came up to me (oh this was funny) and asked me if we were serious or if we were joking. Heh. We then spent the next 15 minutes or so seriously making plans for next week since I had plans tonight. Sort of. It was interesting because he is local and I am Asian with a hint of Haole (white), I am a student at BYUH and he is not. Our social interactions are so very different, we had such a hard time deciding what we would do – what DO people do on dates here anyway?! We still haven’t decided completely, but now we have some ideas to work with.

I think Tonu has always sort of liked me and yeah, I think he’s a cool guy. He cracks me up, of course. Like he does everyone else. Not much romantic interest really, but I haven’t been on a date for a long time. I can’t pass this up. After all, I have to be true to the “say yes at least once” policy I have. I believe in giving people a chance. Not that I’ll date ANYONE who asks. I’m sure if they freak me out before I get to know them, I’ll say no (most of the time, I don’t pay enough attention to people I don’t for them to ask me out anyway). But I think it takes courage to ask a girl out, and I appreciate that so much so that I will mostly say yes. At least the first time. If I decided that he was a freak after, then I’ll pull out the “I need to wash my hair” line or something for the next time. But they get one try. (Trying to salvage myself from sounding desperate here!)

Anyway. This will be fun. I’m looking forward to it.

After work, I talked to Mark. He didn’t have that great a day. It was nice to talk to him and play Yahoo pool with him. Feeding both my addictions at once. Not bad, eh? Then I had to leave because I had swing club rehearsal at 9pm.

Swing club was pretty pathetic, if I do say so myself. ONE guy, Steve, and 8-10 girls. Two of which, I’ve heard, and think, are romantically interested in him. I danced by myself and then some with Su. Then of course, someone gets the ingenious idea to peep down the hallway and ask whatever guys they see there to join us. Well, 4 guys just came out of a second-language English class. JOY! So here we have 4 men. Three from mainland China and one from Laos. Neither of which speak much English. And definitely NONE of them dance.

It didn’t turn out too bad. It was awkward, of course, (I don’t know what they were thinking – Asian men and dancing don’t go together. Why do you think I’ve never dated one?!) but I got to practice my Chinese and they weren’t all bad. They were funny. More of a funny “Hmmm” but still worth a good laugh (not in their face though). After they left, I got to practice the routine with Steve once. Since I didn’t know it very well, I butchered it. But while other girls do fine with Steve, I don’t do well dancing with him AT ALL. Probably my fault, but I just feel yanked around, dizzy and lost. Not good when you’re trying to dance.

We left at 10.40. I didn’t feel like I got much done. It was something to do. I was looking forward to it, for some reason. I love swing dancing. I just like it better when I actually get to dance, ya know. My sister and I need partners. Su has someone in mind, I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t already have a partner that I would care to dance with. Just picky I guess. And proud. *sigh* Maybe I’ll just settle for a guy that I’ll have to lead. It’s better than not dancing, right? I know I’m not that great a dancer, but I wouldn’t say I was right with the average either. Either way, I’ve danced enough to know what a good lead is and how great it is to dance with someone who is better that I just dread having to dance with someone who can’t lead. Or worse. Has no rhythm.

Anyway. I felt stupid for having postponed a date for that.

Afterwards, I went home. Apparently Zui had called, so I returned his call and got invited to play “Fugitive” with him and a few other friends. WHOAH! You mean, there’s something to do?!

I needed to bring a guy though. Oh great. I don’t know any. Seriously. So I asked if I could bring my sister. He was somewhat reluctant – since it wasn’t his game to invite people to, but he didn’t care, so I didn’t either. I called her. Not home – strange, we just said goodbye and she should’ve been in her room by then. Maybe she was in the shower. So I called a gain, a few times. Left a couple of messages.

Zui called again to see if I was going. I told him I hadn’t gotten a hold of Su yet but would call him when I did to find out where he was – even though he’d be hiding and they’d have already explained the rules.

I finally give up, nearly an hour later and go over to my sister’s dorm (something I should have done AGES before) only to find her in the TV lounge watching (this is the dumbest part) the PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE! I know my sister – she doesn’t know a thing about them, nor does she really care.

It was better when I found out that she was keeping a good friend of hers company. She could tell I was upset and apologized for it. We went to her room to call Zui. They had just completed one round and were discussing the next. He said he’d call us back to let us know. So I chilled with my sister. Waited. Waited some more. No phone call. I tried to call him. He ignored us that time.

At that point I gave up and went home. Back to my Dell. Su called not too long after to say that Zui called and they were about done for the night. Not sure if they were doing anything after but that he’d call if they were. Yeah. Right.

I was upset at my sister, because she’s an easy target. But it’s not her fault. She was being a good friend to someone else. I’m more upset with myself for being upset with her. It’s not that I really needed her to be there. To be honest, I wouldn’t have missed her that much if she wasn’t there. I just promised to let her know if we were doing something and I insisted that I didn’t leave my sister out. I was trying to involve her too (especially since it was her ex-boyfriend who invited me, and I know that if she found out that I did something with him without her, she’d have a hard time – she already is having a hard enough time with the whole ex-boyfriend being an ex-friend thing) but it backfired on me. That sucks. So much for trying to be generous.

So yeah. No Fugitive. Still no clue what that game is. Didn’t do anything worthwhile tonight. I did break my Dynomite high score. Downloaded some They Might Be Giants songs. Watched more Homestar Runner toons. I only discovered that I liked it recently, and I fear that I’m catching up way too fast. Soon, I will be on the same level as everyone else, having to wait a week before a new toon comes out. CRAP.

And now I have posted a super long, ranty and uninteresting to anyone – even me – blog.

Mark is about in the same state I am in. Maybe worse. It makes no sense at all why 2 people do this to themselves and put themselves through this much pain. I miss him. He misses me. We miss having each other. The solution sounds so simple! You’d like to think so, huh?

It’s not that bad. If I had something to go do tonight, I probably have wanted to come back to my computer anyway.

Maybe the cheese likesstanding alone.