The Lure of Intellect

In the midst of purusing an education, I am discovering something new about myself. It isn't new in a surprising way. It seems it has always been there, but I just never gave it a name and thus was never fully conscious of its existence. Only through recent events - particularly my LDS Perspectives & Psychology class - have I really come to be familiar with this side of me. While I've always known that I have an appreciation for knowledge, I didn't realize that more than that, what I have is a love for intellect.

It dawned on me last Friday in my LDS Perspectives class. Last week, we had been addressing the moral and philosophical issue of agency. Every Friday, our professor, Dr. Tucker, usually invites a guest speaker or two to offer us their perspective on the topic at hand. This week it was Dr. Miller, another psychology professor here at BYUH, who was invited. Many of my classmates have taken classes from him before (it's a small department, taking a class from him is inescapable) but I haven't yet.

Dr. Miller spent most of the 2-hour class period addressing the controversy of human agency in science and psychology. He used quantum physics and quotes from general authorities to explain its existence. I was just fascinated. While this may be familiar to you, I have never been exposed to so much careful thought before. So far in my education, I have read mostly from textbooks and learned about what has already been established and accepted as knowledge. Not a whole lot of critical thinking involved there. Never before had I been exposed to the arguments and reasoning against what we so commonly accept as "truth". But in this class, I've had to read many articles that challenges what I have come to accept as a "given". These articles have shaken up my perspective of the world.

Concious of my enthrallment, I found myself thinking during Friday's lecture, this is why I want to be involved with academia in the future. What I discovered that day, was that I desired that not just because I love to teach, like I had previously learned about myself, but because I love to learn. More than that, though, I realize it is because I have this desire to constantly surround myself with such great minds.

Lately, I have been seeking out intellectual stimulation more and more in my life. Even in socializing, I have always felt a pull towards people who have precious insight to offer. I am drawn towards what I consider to be intellects or at least potential intellects and geniuses not because I feel that we are similar, or that we have much in common, but out of respect for what they have to offer. Not because I am like them, or perceive myself as similar, but because I would like to be.

On a side note, this issue of intellect is closely related to that of expertise. I have a huge ammount of respect for people who are experts at whatever they do. Talent calls to me like a magnet. Whether it is cars or computers, music or philosophy, sports or language, I just love having that admiration for their knowledge and their abilities. Nothing discourages me more than the thought of never being able to be an expert at anything. Mediocrity and anonymity scare me. I cannot accept the thought of never doing anything extraordinary with my life.

The Conservative

The main theme of this LDS Perspectives class is in aligning the knowledge of the world with what we know to be truth from the gospel. I enrolled in this class because of my love for controversy and the desire to address some of these discrepencies for myself. Yet, I was somewhat skeptical from the beginning.

I haven't always been a skeptic. I wouldn't consider myself a true skeptic now, but the fact that I'd like to be one is new.

Growing up in very much of a sheltered environment, I fit under the "Molly Mormon" label perfectly - or at least, that was what I was striving for. To me, that was perfection. I did not challenge, but embraced gospel principles and even Mormon culture completely. It was simple: the Church leaders say something, they're always right, I follow. I was very much of a "Because God said" type of person, very much into the concept of "blind faith".

I thought this to be the most virtuous practice. I did not want to be a sign-seeker who questions and challenges the word of the prophets. Anything that was not in alignment with what I was taught in church would immediately be rejected. What I had learned from the gospel took priority in my reasoning. I never had to think about the issue of morality and what the world thinks to be right or wrong because I had a set of beliefs already laid out for me. Because I had a testimony, it was easy to embrace every aspect of the gospel. I readily accepted the Church's official view in everything to be my own.

This was a source of much contention between my first boyfriend and I. He was not a member, he was Catholic. I felt constantly accused of being "brainwashed" or of blindly following, and was left defenseless against those allegations.

"But.. b-but, you need to have faith! Blind faith is a good thing!"

It frustrated him that my devotion to my religion was going against logic and reasoning, and it frustrated me that he did not see my faith to be a virtue.

I knew I had a valid testimony because I had sought to know for myself. I was sure that I hadn't just been on a piggy-back ride on my parents' belief; I had received a witness of my own. But I had difficulty explaining to him this spiritual confirmation that I had received.

To him, personal belief and religion needed to be grounded in rationale and physical evidence. To me, religion was a matter of faith - the physical proof and reasoning would come later.

While his reliance on worldly wisdom in spiritual matters was foolishness to me (and I thought him to be rather hypocritical in his claims that Catholicism appealed to logic), I was weak and foolish in his eyes.

In trying to stand up for what I knew to be true in the heat of constant attacks of my faith using anti-mormon resources, I resorted to reading as much LDS literature as I could get my hands on: The Articles of Faith, Jesus the Christ, Mormon Doctrine. FARMS was a good friend of mine, and I grew to love, especially, the anti-anti-mormon books like "The Truth About the Godmakers" and "The Gainsayers". I tried using the explanations I had read in those books in my defense but, of course, it did little good. I made the mistake of taking things personally. When he attacked my religion, I felt like he was attacking me for believing in it, and soon found that it was easier to just change the subject and avoid the issue entirely. I would not allow myself to be discouraged, or tainted by the world. I was determined not to let him affect my testimony.

The Liberal

Something happened between then and now. That experience, and my growing desire to shed naivete, marked the beginning of my turn towards intellect. I began to desire fluency in the language of scholarship, to see the world the way they saw it, to be able to speak in their language, earn their respect and not be scorned. The thought of being simple no longer appealed to me. I wanted to be an intellect.

It could have been fueled by my desire to emulate the intellects who had my respect, a change wrought by my desire to identify myself with them or perhaps even a way to separate myself from those around me. Whatever the reason, my views began to change. Somewhere in there - a somewhat recent phenomenon - I lost the desire to be conservative.

A few significant events that contributed to this turning around. The first one I remember distinctly enough, was home in Malaysia during my intermission from college, back when the gay marriage (forgive me if I am less than politically correct) issue had a big boom. Keep in mind that at the time, I had only minimal exposure to homosexuality. There were some obviously gay people at school, one of which I grew to love, but only because I thought he was amusing.

I remember that I had been following very closely at the time, a community of LiveJournal bloggers from the Univeristy of Indiana, in compensation for not belonging to a college community of my own. I don't have much to compare it with, but I do believe that I had stumbled into the center of one of the most liberal cmmunities that I could have found. I still don't really know what the Rocky Horror Picture Show is, but if that helps give you an idea, they were all getting really excited to see it again. It was a yearly ritual for them. Maybe that says very little, I don't know. One day I will understand.

In any case, it was inevitable that the gay marriage issue would surface in their posts. There were extended discussions in rebuttal to material that was posted anywhere on the net that was against it. Clinging tightly to what I have learned from the church, my very first reaction was of course, to oppose it. Homosexuality is wrong, therefore my political take on the issue of marriage would have to reflect my religion. It was that simple.

But I wanted to be open minded, so I read what I could about both sides of the issue. Much to my disappointment, I found those pro-gay-marriage had better arguments than those against it. I felt that those against it were standing on the shaky ground of "Well, it's just wrong. End of story." While I still wasn't sure that it had "converted" me, I felt that those who had taken a moral stance against it needed to come up with a better way to defend their position. They had to find a way to argue with their logic. They needed to master the language of the intellects.

I put some careful thought into it, determined to reason it out for myself, and not be weak and readily indoctrinated. Being from a Muslim country, it made me feel uncomfortable that spiritual and religious things had found its way into the laws of the land. I realized that while I still don't condone homosexuality, and do still think of it as a moral issue because of what I accept from my religion, that perhaps my largest commitment was to protect their rights and priveleges to happiness. I thought it was contradictory to be advocates of marriage and family, and yet deny those who desire such a lifestyle the opportunity. Besides, I thought, they already live together, what difference does letting them get married make?

Still unsure of my own view and, perhaps, having the need for validation from some sort of authority, I turned to my first boyfriend. Very much a Republican, and Catholic, I knew he would have some insight to offer on the issue. We had a good discussion. What was significant about it, though, was that I had earned his respect that day. He was pleased that I had analyzed the issue and made a decision about it on my own - even if his viewpoint was different from mine.

From that day, I wasn't "silly little girl with a lot of senseless faith" to him. In his eyes, I had finally begun to use my mind.

Even after that incident, though, liberal LDS blogs like By Common Consent, made me extremely uncomfortable. Sure, I was used to people attacking my religion. But from the inside?! Why do you feel like you have to challenge every bit of truth that comes by? How apostate!

While BCC still isn't my favorite blog (perhaps too liberal for my tastes, even now), something happened there too. I think I began to equate intellect with liberalism. My experience with the gay marriage issue made me less afraid to diverge from Mormon opinion, and now I find myself wanting to be one who can challenge.

There's this new image I want to construct of myself. I have ceased to want to unite myself with the orthodox members of the church. I don't want to be one of those people who simply respond to authority. I embrace the moments where I find myself not agreeing with something a general authority has said. "Phew, I'm not a blind follower after all!". And it makes me uncomfortable when people tell me "Just have faith".

Where before I used to condemn my father for drinking coke, I now scorn in the face of those who hold that caffiene is evil. I used to be the only person in my class who was absolutely passionate about the mother staying at home. It was her divine role after all. I would disapprove of women who chose to do otherwise. Now, I am a feminist. Or at least I want to be.

The image of what is "cool" in my mind has shifted. While I am still extremely conservative in the eyes of many, this transformation I am addressing has less to do with what I have actually become, but more to do with what I now hold as an ideal person.

This transformation process leaves me in a strange predicament. I tell dirty jokes and will drop an occasional swear word for shock value. I do what I can do shed that "good girl" image I've carried around and even sought out for most of my life. Yet, there are aspects of Molly Mormon-ness and desire to obey that still lingers on. For example, I rage war against members of the church who wear bikinis, I try to not be a hypocritical advocate about daily prayer and scripture study, I attend a church school, I don't do homework on Sunday (although I am seeing it more as an excuse not to do homework now than anything). The 2 images I am trying to keep sometimes come in contradiction with each other.

That's why this LDS perspectives class caught my attention. I figured, this was a good chance to challenge some widely accepted Mormon view and play devil's advocate or something. I also thought - well, now I can learn what we're supposed to think.

Somewhat to my dismay, the class is taught by what I hear is the most conservative of all the professors in the social science department. (I learned today that he used to be one of those anal missionaries on the mission, it did not surprise me. But I have to be nice. Fair, at least. He has read my blog before and he could be reading this now - and I want somewhat of a good grade still!) The readings I've had to do have mostly been by members of the church: general authorities, talks from BYU devotionals, articles written by LDS psychologist in support of church teachings.

While I love what I have read thus far, I am somewhat disappointed that we don't get to see the other side of the story and contrast them against each other as much, but it is an LDS perspectives class after all. We get all of the other stuff in the every other psych classes.

The Arm of Flesh

I came into the class with the intention of advocating the intellect of the world, or at least the mastery of their language. My respect for that intellect caused me to esteem that as more valid than faith-talk.

Science and numbers have always appealed to me. They are concrete and the result of great intellect. To me, they are trustworthy. The reason I became a psychology major is because of its appeal to both my love for science and theory/philosphy. Psychologists and scientists are truth-seekers.

However, as I've gotten further along in this course, I've noticed a significant change in my perspective. My whole perception of the world and the genius of man has been shaken up.

All of a sudden, I have come to understand the weakness and fallibility of man and his theories and methods. How limited is our logic and understanding! In our quest for truth, we have taken what we can observe and formulated theories, and methods to test those theories to make sense of our world. We have done a pretty good job so far. But so egocentric is man, that we often fail to comprehend that there could be more. Just because there is something that we cannot observe with our 5 senses, we dismiss it for being too fantastic, unrealistic, foolish and conclude that it does not or can not exist. It's as silly as the blind man insisting that there are no colors, or the deaf man scoffing at the idea that there is such a thing as sound.

I thought I would strengthen my intellect in this class. But I am surprised at how much it has strengthened my spirituality as well. I understand better now that they do not come in contradiction with each other. All the articles I've read and the lectures I've heard have reflected great intellect, yet, all of it was rooted on a firm testimony of the gospel.

What I need to find in myself is more acceptance of truth. I need to remember that the ultimate source of truth is God. Faith-talk may not receive a whole lot of respect from the secular world, but perhaps I need to work on setting aside my desire to have their respect and to be like them. I don't want to be on that high road to apostacy and one day find myself in the great and spacious building mocking the spiritual things of this world.

This class has been a humbling experience. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that my view of the world is incorrect or out of alignment with truth, or the gospel, but I will come out with new understanding of its precepts and a deeper appreciation for what I have been blessed to understand.

More than this respect for the intellectual, I need to develop a thirst for all things spiritual. Therein lies salvation.

2 Nephi 9:28-29 "O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish."

But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God.