Socio-Emotional Needs.

*Warning: Post result of PMS (Poor Me Syndrome)*

All semester so far, I've been working hard at taking care of myself physically. Counselling signified the beginning of pulling my life together. I did laundry even before I ran out of clothes, I try hard to put things away, you can see my bed and my floor, I make it to all my classes, try to do homework on a schedule (I mean, holy freak, I even have a planner- and use it!), trying to get to China and being president of the Focus Film club keeps me constantly busy with errands. I think I've been doing pretty good so far and I'm trying to keep it up.

Everything is so task oriented though. I'm doing what I thought I needed to do to start feeling happy again, but something's still missing.

I decided to get some "professional help" because I noticed that I was constantly feeling unmotivated and I saw the effect it had on my life: I couldn't get up for classes in the morning, I never cleaned up my room, I was flaking out of classes and becoming a chronic under-achiever. I also noticed that I wasn't the social butterfly, the "What, we're not getting together to play games tonight?!" Faye that I remembered as being me. I could not understand my lack of enthusiasm to hang out and socialize.

The D-word "Depression" was the best way I knew how to explain my overall disatisfaction with life. So, now, I see Armi every Friday at 3.30pm. It's not like I've discovered anything new through counselling. Being someone who is a psychology major, and constantly analyzing my own behavior, I've already put a lot of thought into the same questions therapists ask their clients. All my sessions really have been is a place for me to report to someone what I already know about myself. It makes it easy to keep up with my own personal goals. I've used it as a vehicle to motivate myself into keeping track of my behavior, and it's always nice to have some sort of a companion to share the personal victories and defeats with; someone whose job is nothing else but to be there, listen to the details, understand and encourage. Just the act of going into the counselling center every week makes me feel like I'm doing something about my life. And I am. So in a way, it is counselling in and of itself which has taken effect and is empowering, not the counsellor nor the counsel. For someone who tends to have difficulty admitting to the need for assitance, this step is especially significant.

These visits with Armi have already wrought a great change in my life. I believed that by taking that first step and working on things one at a time that things would slowly start to take shape and everything would fall into place and I would be able to be satisfied with my life, with myself. Like I said, I am becoming a lot more responsible and it is feuling my motivation to achieve my goals. It feels good to be in control and I am definitely pleased with my progress, but I still haven't reached that ideal state of overall satisfaction.

Here's the problem. The goals that I set for therapy were all physical in nature.

1) Not flake out of any classes
2) Have a clean room
3) Break unhealthy physical habits.

Those were 3 specific things, physical and measurable, that I really wanted to change. I figured that if I had taken care of those things, I would get on a roll, be motivated, get things done. I knew that I was always happy at work, and I concluded that it was because I was active. Doing things. I blamed my unhappiness on my inactivity, my lethargy.

But wait, I'm taking care of a lot of that. And while I feel good about what I can do, I'm still concerned about my emotional welfare.

What about the depression I was addressing? I still feel that it's looming about at times. I want to get back to the silly, bubbly, ultra social Faye. I only feel like that at work. What does that mean? It seems like I chose to attack some of the symptoms but have avoided the core of my unhappiness. This bothers me. Worse than being unhappy is not having a rational reason to be.

I love my job, I am thoroughly enjoying school, I've been working hard on my spirituality and I feel good about where I'm headed. What the heck is my problem?! I used to think that I was someone who had the incredible capacity to be happy. Where'd all that go?

This slow descend into depression, if you will call it that, seems to have begun since Matthew left after his visit here. It'd been going on and off and up and down before, but I remember being able to pull myself out of it. In fact, the weeks leading up to his visit over here activity packed. Then, it was all play and no work. My life was much more of a mess. But heck if I cared. I felt happy and carefree and had the awesomest friends in the world and was glad to spend as much with them as possible.

Something happened. I don't have that same excitement anymore. I go out with my friends sporadically, I enjoy their company when I'm with them most of the time. But I don't look forward to doing things with them like I used to. I'm not always thinking about going back to my room like I had done before, but sometimes, I still find myself thinking that I'd prefer to be home. I find this highly disconcerting because I recall always wanting to stay out as late as possible and was constantly frustrated at people who would be responsible and turn down a trip to Chevron for sleep.

I want to say this in the most gentle manner, because I know that my friends read my blog, but simply put, lately my social life has failed to bring me satisfaction.

I know that it is closely correlated to my emotional well being, but I know better than to draw a conclusion of cause and effect. I'm not sure if my attitude is creating this disatisfaction, or if it really hasn't been filling my needs and is affecting me negatively.

Actually, when I started this blog, I was about to complain about how everyone tells me that I never do anything with them anymore, when I hardly ever get phonecalls inviting me to things. I often find myself wondering what everyone is up to during the week and assume that everyone is doing homework because I wasn't informed about anything. The only people who ever call me are my sister, Justin and sometimes Vasu or Jolley. But ironically, just as I was about to type that, Judge called to invite me to go to Rob's. Which I did. It was nice and cozy.

Heh, I almost wanted to be annoyed at Judge for calling and shaking up my whole basis for writing this blog, but as you can see, I went through with it anyway.

I don't think it's fair to complain because I know that I've turned invitations down on many occasions. I also know that I used to take on a much more active role in socializing. If I have lost that sense of belonging that I once had, it is probably because I don't plan activities anymore and am only waiting around for people to call. In any case, I still feel guilty for sometimes wishing that I had new friends, or at least more friends. I need someone whose company I always enjoy - a buddy - who I feel a close connection to in the group and feel like I have much in common with. A best friend. I think somewhere in some past blog I've already expressed that I almost have never had it before here, and was always left in the extremities in social groups in high school simply beause of the lack of that "buddy". That's so important in making you feel like you belong.

My solution for that in the past was always a boyfriend. They'd be the person I belonged with in the group. My best friend. The buddy I do most social activities with. If I didn't have a boyfriend, my solution to pulling myself out of "down-ness" was to find a guy to have a HUMONGOUS crush on. It was something to get excited about, something to make me look forward to socializing. And someone to gravitate to in a group. That fueled me.

I have a boyfriend and I'm not looking for a new one. I hate to admit it, but I think a huge contributor to this emotional state I'm in is the fact that the only contact I can have with him is here in my room, either on the computer or on the phone. It would explain the difficulty I've had getting back into business since he left. I used to never want to miss out on social activities because I had to seek that social and emotional gratification from the people I surrounded myself with. Now that I turn to Matthew for it, I have developed a general disinterest in my friends. Plus, being friends with a handfull of single people who are still looking, there all these quasi-romances that make it complicated for me to make a good friend without stepping on toes or becoming the third wheel. Added to that is also the fact that I don't feel like I belong in that dating game anymore, and that contributes to my overall feeling of belonging-ness. Perhaps that is why I have been feeling older lately.

The sad part is that while I turn to Matthew for those needs, there is only so much he can do from such a distance. This situation is a strange combination of no longer being single and being lonely. Strange. I thought the two to be mutually exclusive.

Loneliness. That's the word. I think that pretty much sums it all up.

I'm hesistant to even mention this is connection to Matthew. I know he needs to feel like he makes me happy. And he does, in the brief moments that I get to feel connected to him from here. But I find myself needing him more, and becoming clingy and demanding of his time over the phone.

The fact that I am blogging this now is an indicator that there were some things that I wasn't able to express to him over the phone. He had things he needed to talk about, and I need to get warmed up before I pour out things like that. Even in real life, I am always reluctant to open up with personal feelings (blogs are different). I don't want to make things about me, so I wait for a cue, for someone to ask me "Are you ok?" "What are you worried about?" I struggle to come right out with whatever I want to say. Instead, I wait politely for my turn.

But 2.5 hours into the conversation, and way too late in New York, I still didn't find a way to lead into what I had really needed / wanted to talk about, instead filling the time with useless drab about my day - which I am ALSO hesitant to talk about - I spend the last bit of time listening until he is ready to go to bed. I don't want him to leave because I'm still not satisfied - I never am - but I can't be selfish. It's freakin' 3.30 am over there! Sometimes, it's later. I can't expect that much time from him especially since I want to do it so often. It's unrealistic and unhealthy and my need is probably irrational anyway. So I let him go. I cry. Then I blog. And cry somemore.

I hadn't thought about my blog in this context for a while, but I guess today is one of those days where this is back to being "Faye's Boyfriend Replacement" again. Yet, I'm still hesitant to talk about my concerns, not just on the phone, but even here because

1) I don't want it to turn into a "Hey, let's see what we can do to solve your problem" session.

2) I worry about Matthew taking it personally, that he will feel inadequate or, as I mentioned before, unable to be what I need to be happy.

3) Him having those feelings of inadequecy or whatever will cause me to want to be unselfish and make this thing about HIM, thus neglecting to resolve the initial problem and not taking care of myself (don't know that it's happened before, but it's a possibiltiy)

4) I know that he will probably blame the distance between us for whatever problem and will suggest that I fly out there now and everything will be better when in reality, I know I need to learn to be happy regardless.

Arrrgh. This is why I swore myself off all long-distance relationships. When Mark left Hawaii, I was spending too much time looking to Utah for my happiness. It was affecting my social life and my happiness. I finally decided to cut things off. No more looking forward to talk to each other online or on the phone. Just live in the present. It's healthier. Even my rommate noticed that I was happier when I didn't talk to him.

I don't know what I need to do now, but I know that I've not done a very good job with living in the present. "When I go to China, THEN I'll be happy."

Not having a roommate doesn't help much with the loneliness, but today Jolley came home with me from church and I set up the empty bed for her to nap in. Too bad she doesn't have to be on campus much this semester. I miss Jolley. I wouldn't say that we're super close, but we understand each other on many levels. She's probably the closest thing I've ever had to a best friend of the same gender. Note to self: go visit her in her house more often. Even if you feel all awkward about interrupting her time with David.

I need to do more fun things, I think that will help tremendously. Back to the question Armi asked me 2 weeks ago if I was taking care of myself. I couldn't answer. Besides my phonecall from New York and the occasional blog, I haven't really enjoyed anything. I enjoy work though. That remains the highlight of my life here. Kind of sad.

Before counselling, I was unhappy because my life was purposeless and I wasn't getting anything done. All I really did was sleep, sit at my computer, and go to work, eating and attending classes on occasion. Now, I'm keeping busy, trying to keep up with school and other responsibilities, and still, I haven't done anything just for fun. I enjoy work and the reading I have to do for classes and the discussions we have, but those don't count.

I was looking forward to Swing Club all this while, using that as the thing I would do for fun, but I wasn't informed of the meeting that they had last week so I missed it. And I'm a paying member this semester! What the crap? As you can tell, I'm pissed. Didn't even get a phonecall. So I still need to know when and where Swing Club meets. FREAKIN' SEND ME AN EMAIL! I don't even get the campus announcements in my email anymore so I don't know what's going on. It sucks to be out of the loop. Doesn't help this whole belonging thing much.

Anyway, enough with the negative. In congintion, one of the classes I'm taking, we talked about mood congruence. You recall memories that are congruent with your current mood. Therefore you're just getting a whole lot of not-so-happy memories now. Sorry.

Well, in remedy of that, I propose a couple of hours of Psychobabble this week, either Tuesday or Wednesday at the GCB or something. That could get really fun.

Anyway, I should have been writing a paper instead of a blog so I better end this. I now feel somewhat resolved even though I haven't fixed anything. Just venting makes it all better. While these concerns are very real to me, it's not at all an accurate portrayal of my overall welfare. Things are going really good in general, I'm just having one not-so-hot night. I'll probably forget all about it by tomorrow, so it would be useless to address this blog then.

It annoys me when people get all concerned about what I post about when usually having posted about it puts it in the past for me. I think, "Too late to be concerned now that I'm all better. Geez. Where were you then?!

Yay, it's good to know that at least I'm back to being my pissy self.