Affection transfer.

Just got of the phone with Richie again. *sigh* This is becoming a ritual.

I love talking to him, but it always leaves me torn and confused. Maybe I should take that as a warning sign and run away. But we've already settled that I am a masochist.

Told me today that he was in love. But no, it wasn't with me like I would've liked. It's with Megumi, his girl in Japan. I hope there really is something there. I'm willing to step back for it, but I don't want him to get hurt. All the energy he's putting into that relationship better not be wasted.

I feel like such an idiot. I'll sit here and let him talk about this other girl he loves and try to find it in me to be excited for him and encourage him the whole time feeling this stabbing pain in my chest while I try hard not to let him hear me choking up. All with the hope that maybe when he's done with that he'll talk about this other girl he likes who he keeps thinking about. One named Faye.

He did apologize. He said that he realized that it was unfair for him to be talking about her all the time. And of course I told him it was ok. Why do I keep trying to be his friend when I know that's not all I want to be?! Taste of my own medicine. I owe Jared an apology. Isn't that the reason why Mark and I are trying to break it off?

STOP CRYING.

Crap. I'm in over my head already.

I think I'm just trying too hard to fill the gap that Mark has left. Maybe I'm just trying to transfer all my affection for him to Richie. I don't know. Richie is a pretty special guy.

He isn't giving me clear signals - he said himself that he doesn't want to lead me on. Doesn't want to be a player. I appreciate that but it's already too late.

If this is already making me more unhappy than excited, then I should just get up and walk away. But you just don't give up that easily on love. Oh, what do I do?

Sleep, probably. And start again tomorrow. Keep busy. Keep breathing.

Yeah. I think I'll do that.