Back at Fayemin.com

Thanks for coming here to keep up with me, but Almost Faye-mous 2.2 is back up so I will be back there blogging again. So what are you still doing here? Go back there! Shoo!

Blogger, you are wonderful. I'll be back, I'm sure, though I hope not too soon from now!

Babies Making Babies

Oops. Big oops.

Really reluctant to write this, but I think sometimes stupidity needs to be recorded, for posterity's sake. And so I remember to NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.

Uhm. Yeah. Turns out my cats aren't lesbian. I don't know HOW I was so oblivious and why I assumed that Red/Your Whineness was female. But well, he's not. Great.

Why didn't anyone tell me?! I took them to the vet lots when they were younger, didn't I ask? Didn't they tell me? Freaking Chinese doesn't have him/her just 他 tā. That's why. But John, you're in this too.

Funny, the last episode of Grey's Anatomy that I watched (love that show) was about a girl who discovered that instead of a cancer in her ovaries she had it in her testes, and the parents didn't know how to deal with it because they had raised a girl, and now told they kind of had a son all along.

I had that in mind this week as I was questioning the weird phenomenon of Red mounting my other 2 cats. Again. How could I be so stupid?

Silly, I know, but I've felt bad for having mistaken his gender, that I've kind of made it a point to apologize to him and address him as "boy" to make up for it...? Weirdo. I know.

On a more serious note, what do I do now? Pray he's sterile? 2 female cats in heat living under the same roof. It's kind of too late now too. Crap crap crap crap crap.

Remember kids: Prevention, it's the safe way to go.

My Temperament is Idealist. I am an ENFP. That makes me a Champion Idealist?

After reading Liz's post on her results from a personality test, I took the test again myself (wondering if I had changed from an extrovert to an introvert: and the answer is no, but probably because I want to be an extrovert so I will always test out that way) I spent a long time writing this post about how I love personality tests and why, which lead me to do a lot of psych-related reading on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator on Wikipedia. Then I wrote about how I miss college and though I am enjoying the Montessori training as it's helping me become a better teacher, it just doesn't compare. And a bunch of other things.

But my computer found it all too boring, apparently and promptly froze and ate my post. I wrote about some other things earlier today and that's gone forever too. So I guess those thoughts just won't go down in history. Too bad.

I will still post what Wikipedia says about my personality type though. Since it's related to that sentiment about school. I have posted bits that are very similar before, but different things stand out to me at different periods. Nearly all of it I agree with (I hope it's not the Forer effect) but I've highlighted the parts that I noticed the most i.e. is most relevant to my current thoughts and situation.

ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship (I have noticed that and blogged about it previously), and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests (does that mean we've all got ADD?). ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma. (I don't know about the anticipating needs things or creativity and charisma, but I do thrive on change)

Learning

ENFPs often learn best through a variety of means, such as observing, reading, and listening to and interacting with others. They enjoy the search for new ideas and possibilities, and will put in the time necessary to master subjects they find interesting. One strength is their enthusiasm for the process of discovery. They enjoy survey courses, comparative studies, and disciplines in which there is much to research and explore (like psychology). They do not like classes that are too structured, that consist only of lectures, and that allow no room for their imagination. They may get caught up in the learning process and consequently need strict deadlines to bring a project to completion. (All too true)

ENFPs prefer a learning environment in which the teacher takes personal interest in them, in which there is an opportunity to talk about ideas with their peers, and in which there is a chance to ask questions and develop new ideas.

A motto that might describe the ENFP as a learner is "There's always another way or another answer."

Career

ENFPs often follow a nonlinear career track and nontraditional routes to obtaining knowledge, qualifications, and skills (can you spell I-am-working-in-China-and-I-don't-have-my-degree-yet?). When they are committed to what they do, they are enthusiastic to the point of preaching to the entire world about it (yep). For an ENFP, work must be fun and must contribute to something larger than merely collecting a paycheck (I thought this was true for everyone).

The preferred work setting for ENFPs contains imaginative people focused on human possibilities. ENFPs want a work environment that is both physically and mentally colorful. They prefer a participative and collegial atmosphere in which employees are included in the decision making. ENFPs are less productive where there is disharmony because they pay more attention to the relationships between people at work than they do to the tasks (yes, actually. I've already been involved in a couple of rather large conflict resolutions at work) Their ideal job would offer variety, novelty, challenge, and freedom from tight supervision; it would be idea oriented and imaginative, and would have lively, energetic people enjoying themselves and their tasks.

Most ENFPs will say they are organized (never have I claimed to be organized), but others might not see them that way. Their desire to be open to the moment tends to outweigh their need to be organized. Usually ENFP work space is arranged haphazardly, with work materials and personal momentos scattered about. In terms of the management of time, ENFPs find it particularly difficult to estimate accurately how long an activity will take. Because people's needs are more important than schedules, ENFPs are often late and characteristically full of apologies for their tardiness. (Consider this my one large apology to you all. And boy, writing this blog is taking way longer than I thought it would)

ENFPs prefer occupations that reflect their ideals and that promote harmonious relationships with others. They tend to be attracted to occupations with a service orientation. ENFPs usually find a place in their work life for creativity. They particularly enjoy people-oriented work in which they are able to combine things in new and different ways to benefit humanity. Flexibility and autonomy are important to ENFPs, who may bolt from organizations in which this is not attainable.

Common occupations picked by ENFPs include artist, clergy, consultant, counselor, entertainer, journalist, public relations worker, social scientist, social worker, teacher, and other occupations that allow ENFPs to use their creativity and insight.

Relationships

For ENFPs, loving is an almost constant state. They are generally involved or in love with someone or something new. ENFPs may have originated the quotation "All the world loves a lover." When falling in love, they explore all the new possibilities in the relationship, and the new person is studied in every way. The ENFP tends to idealize his or her current relationship and will often say that their current one is "the best ever."

It might be argued that each type, when first in love, resembles a garden-variety ENFP, because ENFPs normally behave like people in love (wow. That makes so much sense). Some of the cultural cliches about falling in love - such as "Falling in love with love," "Head over heels in love," "Love is blind," "All the world loves a lover," and "Throw caution to the wind" - seem to apply to the ENFP. This same boundless affection can be showered upon friends, co-workers, and others. People often feel unconditionally loved by ENFPs, but over time many of these relationships dissipate, as in "When I'm not near the ones I love, I love the ones I'm near." (I usually say "Out of sight, out of mind")

ENFPs are delightful, enthusiastic partners who are young in spirit; there is rarely a dull moment with them. They readily note their partner's best aspects. They may overlook obvious details and facts about their partners that might cause other types to be more cautious. As relationships progress, ENFPs romanticise their partners and make strong efforts to rationalize any discrepancy between the reality and their "ideal."

When they are in love, they may either overcommit and ignore any unpleasant yet true facts; or they may undercommit, believing that there may be a better love "just around the corner." Therefore, ENFPs may be seen as fickle in their relationships as they search for the "right one."

When and if the flaws in the relationship become too obvious to ENFPs, they may admit defeat, feeling great pain because they have put so much energy into perfecting a particular relationship. When ENFPs are scorned, they overgeneralize about their partners' worst faults. Because ENFPs thrive on new possibilities, when they fall out of love, they rebound quickly. (But I've been working on it. And I haven't rebounded. Hurrah!)

So that was the Wikipedia one. There are more. Tons more. But I suppose they all say about the same thing in different ways.

http://www.typelogic.com/enfp.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html

I really liked the list of possible career paths for ENFPs I found:

• Consultant
• Psychologist
• Entrepreneur
• Actor
• Teacher
• Counselor
• Politician / Diplomat
• Writer / Journalist
• Television Reporter
• Computer Programmer, Systems Analyst, or Computer Specialist
• Scientist
• Engineer

It ties in nearly all the careers that I had been (and still am) interested in and thought to be completely unrelated. Do you know what my ideal job is? Don't laugh ok? It's to be TV show host, wait there's more: one that deals with relationships. But I want to do it as a psychologist. One who is like a consultant. You know how there are business consultants who go to companies and observe and research and then offer ideas and training to fix problems and improve the company? I want to do that with families. Go to families that are falling apart, observe, offer counseling, teach them good communication skills etc. If possible, add a reality TV feel to it i.e. follow them around with cameras so we make their struggles public, put it on a show, interview them on it after the fact. Commercials pay for my efforts (business idea). They get free counseling and struggle through having the world see their problems, but at the same time find release in being completely honest with themselves and the world. Other people watching benefit from seeing their same problems in someone else's home. I write books - or lots of blog posts - with my knowledge and experience. I become famous.

Then I use my influence to do something in politics to make a bigger difference. All the while married to a computer programmer who keeps the geek in me alive. And we swing dance together.

I have never, ever thought of being an engineer. A scientist, yes, when I was much younger. But those are the only 2 things that I felt didn't belong.


Here's what I would like: to have all my friends know what personality type they are according to this breakdown. For me to find out, and have a better framework for psychoanalyzing them from now on (hey, I'm going to psychoanalyze you regardless, might as well help me do it more accurately).

For me to have a better understanding of compatibility between types (there's got to be something I can read about that somewhere!) and apply it when analyzing newfound crush/love interest. That would be a pretty handy tool.

Well. Finally, a post that got completed and a looooong one at that. Now it's time to stop thinking and writing about myself and go to bed. Blogging is bad for me in so many ways. I'm sure it has multiplied my self-centeredness. I've already had a good number of conversations about how I always talk about myself now.

But I'll save blogging about how I am self-centered for another day.

Blogging Log.

So I now have access to my files from within China, thanks to ftplive.com. Not very secure, but I couldn't care less about that at the moment. It's a very slow and tedious process backing up 5 files at a time, but it works and it makes me happy. The last thing I'll have to do, is get a hold of mySQL database but I can't log in to PhpMyAdmin from here. Or can I? Argh. Why can't I have a geek boyfriend NOW for free 24 hour tech support?

I gotta get my cats fixed.

Uhm. Yeah.

The pathetic mewing every night isn't great but ignorable. But not the fact that my "runt" red cat Your Whineness, who is now bigger than the other cats, is constantly trying to mount her sister, Whisper. Lesbian cats? Lesbian incestuous cats. The depravity.

She pins Whisper down, and then bites on her ear or something while Whisper kicks her hind legs like she's trying to escape while making weird throaty noises and sometimes sounds that are like squealing. It looks like she doesn't like it at all, but she doesn't get up and run away and hide after I pull Red off her. Weird.

I'd think about posting pictures if I had a camera that was working. But that would be wrong anyway. *shudder* It's like animal porno. And I don't enjoy it!!!

Too much info?

Well. On that note, I'm going to go to bed. Ugh. This is worse than having a hooker with a squeaky mattress living above you.

IT WORKED, IT WORKED!!!

Just that once, maybe! But it worked!

I'm a genius!!!!!!!! Self-taught computer geek. Get that straight. Uhuh.

This means that all I have to do is decide on a new hosting provider: one that is NOT based in Malaysia and has 99.9% guaranteed uptime - that I can afford since this one is only cheap on trial and not otherwise (recommendations anyone?), point my domain over there (and lose more emails in the process) and then convince a geeky ex-boyfriend not bound by the Great Firewall of China (the unmarried one is in Texas....) to help with accessing and sending me all my files and my database through MySQL so I can transfer it to my new home - AND THEN I can be normal again.
Home sweet home, here I come.

How it works

http://www.answers.com/topic/internet-censorship-in-mainland-china

Blogging stuff.

So I signed up for a "free" trial on a new web server and just pointed my domain there. I think that's what you call it. Geez. I really should actually take a proper computer class someday and get all my jargon right.

I paid 1 cent for a month. Well, my mom did. I accidentally charged it to her credit card. Heh.

Point is: this means that for the next couple of days, lots of mails will be lost in space while I hit an awkward in-between hosts stage.

And. It could be all for naught. I'm waiting for it to trickle through the DNS servers. Right now, I still can't access fayemin.com except through a proxy site. Sometimes that takes me to the old server. Sometimes, if I'm lucky to the new. I wonder if the changes in hosting would make a difference. I really don't understand how it is that China blocks my site. Now my dad's site Fastlane.info is blocked too. I Googled it and did some reading and they said something about sites being blocked for no reason: just because they fall in a range of certain IP addresses or whatever you call it. Hence me trying to switch hosts. We'll see how that works. This was suppose to be an experiment at the cost of 1 penny (thanks Mom!) and some unlucky emails.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

In the meantime, I feel like my blog has died. I know I can't access it. But I blog here and all the comments are the spam ones from forever ago which I can't be bothered to go through and delete. And on fayemin.com, all the recent comments are spam ones too and I have no way of deleting those. It's freaking annoying. Does anybody even read anymore? Did I lose all my readers? Geez.

Readers, there are. Comment, they do not.

Sad. Remember the good old days when each post would average 10 or so comments? Well. So much for that. I suppose I haven't really commented in anyone's blog for a while either so I can't be a hypocrite. I do try though. Try to look for something to say as an acknowledgment of presence - when I do have time to read. Blogging etiquette, people. Lurkers don't do bloggers any good. So here's your challenge. Make someone's day by leaving them a comment on their blog. Karma comes into play and soon you'll find that you have boosted your own readership.

Ok. Too much obsessing over blogging. Leaving this behind me. Sick of writing blog entries with no lasting significance - for no one to read.

Blogged thoughts of the day

Too tired to write a real post but still want to keep this updated frequently enough so here is a mess of thoughts I can think of right now which are relevant to today:

1) Su is leavning for the MTC in *gulp* 6 days. I hadn't ever talked to her that often, but now that I know I CAN'T talk to her whenever I want, I really feel the limitation. I hope it turns out that I will actually communicate with her more because there is a set schedule to it.

2) You can never have enough money, can you? What I want it for today: Swing camps and digital cameras. But you can't wish for those things when there are people you should be paying back. I've made a budget for myself this month. I can be saving money/ putting money aside to pay people back. So I will. But that means no SEAJam in Singapore in a month. And no digital camera - definitely no digital SLR - and Herrang (THE ultimate swing camp) is barely, barely within reach. In fact, if I were responsible, I wouldn't go. Though, the bulk of the cost is the plane ticket and not the camp, like I thought it would be. Blah. I'm a dancer wannabe. Not a dancer. Forget, Faye. Just forget.

3) Man, are flowers cheap here. And it's so much fun giving daisies to random people. Really. Try it sometime. I got a rose from some random Chinese person in HouHai once, while I was on a date there in 05. I thought she was trying to sell it. Man have I become jaded. Valentines day is coming up. I'm excited. Another excuse to give random people chocolate!!!

4) 12 hours of sleep before work on Monday makes Monday a happy day. Swing dancing makes Monday a happy day too but lots of sleep enhances everything.

5) Is it stupid that I am afraid to be mistaken for a lesbian? I remember Introspectre's posts moaning about her chopped off hair way back when and being self-conscious about being mistaken for a lesbian - and concerned that if she was that she got to be the femme one. Hah. I've had less fret time about my hair although it took me 2 weeks to actually start to like it. That's a long time for me. I almost always like new hair instantaneously. Well, my hair has been growing on me (literally and otherwise - and they might be related). The change was weird, but it wasn't THAT short so I can't moan about too much. My initial consolation was that it was kinda long so it would turn into a medium length haircut in a couple of months - AND that the Chinese mullet thing I got a year ago was way worse anyway. Now, I actually am enjoying the look. Partly by taking measures to emphasize my femininity and using makeup more and earrings etc when I can. I don't think I am doing what someone else who knew how to actually do anything with it could. But I don't hate it. So that's good. Maybe I'll even look back at pictures one day and say: hey, that was cute, and consider cutting my hair short again. One day. This is coming from a girl who would always rather wear a skirt if it were practical (hence the issues with loving the shorter hair - even though it is a feminine cut.) But I still stand by what I said about cutting my hair short so I won't be as attractive to guys and not find myself in a relationship soon. Don't even give me that. You and I both know that most guys prefer girls to have long hair. They may be attracted to a girl who has short hair, but the fact of the matter is, if they could choose, they prolly wouldn't mind her growing it out. Well, the kind of guys that I am attracted to anyway. Don't know much about the awesome punk rockers and other subculture peoples who thrive on being different.

One run on paragraph about my hair. Great. Can anyone spell VANITY? Anyway. I find myself being self conscious and mistaken for a lesbian. Because my hair is shorter now. And I am learning how to lead the Lindy Hop and in true Faye style, use that to make sure all the girls get someone to dance with. That meant today that I spent almost all the time dancing with girls instead of guys tonight. And then I gave flowers to all the girls. Really, I love girls, but for a relationship, I think I definitely prefer guys a whole lot more!!!

6) Ok enough of the girly and on to the geek. What can I do to unblock my blog in China? Anyone know? I googled that question and found lots of people talking about proxy servers. Which I have been looking into. But I would like it to just be unblocked, not to have to work around the block, you know. Does anyone know if changing hosting helps? I'll give it a trial run on another server and see, I guess. But any form of geek help would be appreciated.

Alright. I'm about to collapse. 12 hours of sleep one night and 5 and a half the next. How do you expect to be a well balanced individual that way, huh Faye?

Good night, y'all.

Writing here still doesn't feel right.

It's like... kissing (to keep it PG) your ex-boyfriend while your
current one is away on an extended business trip. Or something. I
guess I wouldn't know how that feels so I can't draw that comparison.

But what felt like a simple grain in my shoe has now turned into a
desperate need. So much so that I am claiming that it is an issue that
is big enough to drive me from this country. All over having my blog
blocked. And now having to blog on blogger through email. ARGH!!! It's
an easy scapegoat for my general feelings of
frustration, I guess.

I've really been needing some time to think and write. Not about
anything in particular, though a few thoughts have flashed through my
mind this week that I wasn't able to write and expound on. They are
now lost in history. Right now though, I just need to sit down and
have a conversation with myself about me.

I'm in a strange state of emotions right now. As I was walking home
from work today, I felt a general satisfaction with myself. My house
is clean. I don't have a horrendous backlog of laundry (I mean, my
socks and underwear actually are organized instead of just stuffed
into a holding place) I've been working very hard on being an
organized, responsible and well balanced individual: changing the
little things that I hadn't liked about myself before. I mean, I've
barely just begun and there's a huge chance of me falling back into
old bad habits, but right now, this week, today has been a satisfying
one. I feel like I am working in a job that stretches me as an
individual in all the right ways. Heading home from after my RMB0.40
bus ride in the pleasantly cold weather that was today with those
thoughts and my headphones playing music I love walking to, I hit an
"I am happy" moment. The "I love myself, I love my life" moment. I
get those every now and then. I think in general I do love myself and
love my life, but there are moments of conscious realization that I do
and I was lucky enough to hit one today.

And then the thoughts and longings of sharing my life with someone
crept in. Trust me to ruin a happy moment.

I turned down the opportunity to see many of my friends today and have
a good Brazilian Barbecue dinner (which though was expensive, I had
budgeted for). And now I'm worried that I'm turning boring and
anti-social. Those feelings remind me of a point in time while I was
in college and felt like I didn't recognize myself. That was a dark
period and that leaves me just a little afraid that it might be
depression rearing it's ugly head back in my life. Bear in mind that
I'm writing this as it is happening so it is likely that this all will
disappear by 9.30pm tonight. But I just need to feel tonight so I'm
not discouraging this emotional exploration right now.

Ok. This is going to be a seriously disjointed post because I can't be
bothered to edit my thoughts in my head before they come out in words.

I have had a roommate for over a week. Angie, the lovely French girl,
has been staying with me since Tuesday evening last week. I'm happy to
provide her with a place to stay while she does the job hunt thing and
I seriously enjoy and need the company. But it is also an adjustment
at the same time. My emotional confusion might be somewhat related to
the fact that I don't know understand how I really feel about having
her around. I am not in tune enough with the amount of alone time and
space I need. I am confident that her presence has been a blessing
though. Here's why:

My first night back in Beijing after home, Sunday the 7th was a
really hard night. I was a little stressed during the day, running on
very little sleep (result of taking a red-eye flight and still going
to church) with only a day to prepare physically and mentally for work
which would start the next day after a 3 week break, and with my
little friend Leonard to care for that day. But when his pickup came a
little earlier than expected, and I was all of a sudden alone in my
apartment that had no internet (that adds to the feelings of
suffocation: I swear there's got to be a fancy phobia name for my
condition) I felt so completely alone.

Part of the reason was that was my first time being alone in a little
while. I had spent the last couple of weeks home in a whirlwind of
family. Before that, I had Jimmy and Triin for houseguests for about a
week and they kept things exciting. Then a whole day in Beijing with a
little boy and –BAM- feelings of isolation from family and the outside
world.

It didn't help that because I'd just gotten back, I could smell the
Beijing winter and it brought back floods of memories about the winter
before. It left me doing comparisons with the year before. Last year,
I left my family after 3 weeks or so of being home – though I could've
stayed for a bit longer – and was so happy to be back in Beijing. It
felt like home as soon as I got back. And I had a new relationship to
come back to.

This year, I came back single, with no prospects, and the thought of
returning to work – this job that I plan to work in for another 2
years – really wasn't appealing. I just felt bleak and unexcited
about what I felt 2007 had to offer me. And I missed John a ton.

But then on the following Tuesday, after I had a day back to life and
realizing that it wasn't so bad, Angie came over. And I've had company
here since. Wonderfully timed too because I came down with fever on
Wednesday evening (one that didn't go away till Saturday morning) and
didn't have to be sick alone.

If there was a point to this story I don't remember what it was. Oh.
Yes. I'm glad to have her here. Yet, I wonder if I need more "me"
space. I don't think this is going to make me decide to seek out a
roommate though it would help so much with rent and a roommate might
actually be good for me. I don't know. Faye who isn't used to being
alone seems to want solitude and privacy more than having company.
Weird.

Anyway, another point I wanted to bring up: John. I hate myself for
blogging the name AGAIN but at some point I feel like I need to admit
it in writing so as to not paint an untruthful picture of how over him
I am. It is a source of frustration for me: not being able to move on
completely. Especially since there are absolutely no signs of him
struggling with it like I am. It's weird. I feel like I'm doing so
much better with this alone thing than I have ever done before yet in
some ways I feel I'm doing worse with this breakup than I usually do.
It's been 5 months. The last relationship I remember having such DRAWN
out difficulty getting over was Matt the first. First one always is
the hardest they say. Perhaps the reason why this is harder to me in
comparison is because I haven't rebounded, which, strangely, is also a
sign that I am doing better than I had done before. I definitely
thought about it earlier on. I think if I do find myself in a
relationship soon (which is not going to happen), it will be safely
out of rebound territory. Not sure though. How "over" a guy must you
be for that to happen?

I still find myself hoping to find something as close to what John and
I were as possible and though I still feel a pull to him as a
confidant and best friend, I haven't daydreamed about meeting up with
him again and re-kindling in a long while. My conclusion to the
situation is that while John and I have become detached emotionally
and physically, I am still very much in love with our relationship –
or what I remember to be our relationship. Or maybe I am just still in
love with the idea of being in a relationship in general that somehow
John (who is recent enough to remember and not engaged or married or
seeing anyone -yet) gets muddled up in the picture and I constantly
find myself disappointed that it is really over. It's like there's
this part of me that just refuses to accept and believe that maybe it
really wasn't as great as I remember or that whatever good there was
in it has disappeared forever and I will never find a trace of it in
any conversation with John ever again.

I don't care to be coherent right now. I'm feeling much more than I
understand anyway. If I think about it before I write, you will never
get this post and I won't get to bed at a decent hour.

Conclusion: I still shed tears. I'm not sure over what exactly. My
loneliness? The fact that what I perceive to have been a good
relationship is over? The fact that he's moved on faster than I have.
I cry because I feel like I've been hurt although I know I have little
claim to that. Is it related to my need for love to be validated as a
person? There is some sort of acknowledgement of love in the past that
I keep seeking from him that I never get. In order to stop looking for
it, I convince myself that I am searching for something that never
existed. The questions never get answered. But it's so long ago. It
only comes out every now and then anyway. And in the end, I should
just stop thinking about it. Just accept that it's gone and over.
Don't worry about the reasons. Just worry about the fact that you keep
trying to look back and change it.

On days like today, I find myself feeling like I deserve to be loved.
And I guess I'm crying because I wonder if I've ever been really seen,
understood and loved - or if I will be in the near future. Silly, I
know, but lonely people always manage to convince themselves that they
will be that way forever. And as much as I know that I don't need to
worry about it and I don't actually WORRY, I am experiencing the
emotions of loneliness that include a sense of hopelessness and lack
optimism for the future.

Maybe what I have is a general case of impatience. I don't doubt that
when I am ready, when he is ready, there will be something for me that
will make all heartache worth it. But I want my reward NOW. Before I
deserve it. Because I know how long it will take for me to work up to
that point.

Blah. Anyway, here you go: the emotional post that I haven't written
in so long. I feel better now.

I write to understand myself, to release emotions, but also as a
statement to the world that I am imperfect. Somehow that statement
helps me accept myself just a little better and I learn through
writing about my stupid feelings that I can love myself even though I
am being stupid and because of that, I can see that I will be ok after
all.

Homeless

I feel like I've been locked out of my own house, being unable to access my own domain like that. And it's like I'm waiting it out to figure out if it's just a problem with my lock and key or if the locks got changed by the landlady because she doesn't want me in there ever again. Y'know?

Anyway. That is minor. It sucks, but it's good because it leaves me time to be busy doing other things besides blogging.

What I need to write just a little about is my family. Now they're in much more of a homeless state than I. They're not house-less, don't get me wrong: they have a place to live that they're working on getting to be comfortable, family and church are a great support system. Han and Shuan are in a school now, I hear. Ern and Ray will start real soon. But it's all new, somewhat uncomfortable and scary.

And to me, the scariest part is the thought of leaving a life so comfortable and so familiar behind and never being able to return. Not to the way things were. Yeah. Look at me talking about it when it isn't my challenge and I'm completely uninvolved in the process.

But it really is weird for me, even at an arms length - and then some. I have my own apartment here and haven't lived at home for a long while. I don't usually feel that much of a pull to the home I grew up in. But year after year of being away, there was always a comfort in knowing that I could go back for Christmas and things wouldn't be that different. My brothers would be taller, their voices deeper. There would be maybe one more computer added to the living room, a new thing accumulated here and there, a pet or two missing, a few more added etc. But home would be pretty much as I remembered.

Now when I think of home, I think of boxes being packed up and memories being left behind. My brave brothers learning to live together in a small, small apartment just a little bigger than the one I get to myself here in Beijing. There are new friends to be made. The ward in Singapore has taken my family under their wing. I have no idea who they are but I have to love them.

I see my family and I think of Lehi's family leaving Jerusalem behind. Lot and his family leaving Sodom. I'm not the one doing the physical leaving, although emotionally, I think there is some adjusting to be done, but this has been an eye-opener to how difficult it can be to leave your life behind and move on to something that should be better but is 10000 times more uncomfortable and sure doesn't feel like a promised land.

What a trial of your faith. And how difficult it is when you don't have the conviction that you are doing the right thing. I see how easy it is to become a Laman or a Lemuel. Or how strong the pull is to turn around and look back when you've been told not to.

Anyway. Enough blogging about challenges that aren't even directly mine. My family needs your thoughts and prayers.

And I need a blog and some sleep.

Goodnight.

Blog Switcheroo.

Ironic that instead of posting on my self-hosted, Wordpress powered blog, I am back to using blogger. How is it that this time around, blogspot is more reliable than my own blog?

Well, I still love blogspot. I don't think I ever stopped loving it. It is now a Google product after all.

Anyway. I have to write here to overcome the overwhelming suffocation of being unable to access my own blog from the inside out. It's showing signs of being blocked here in China. I'm unable to access it except through a proxy site. Great, I can still get to it, right? WRONG.

Though blogspot gets blocked on and off, blogger.com where the dashboard and controls are have never been blocked. So you can still post and tweak and do all the things necessary to keep it going and just look at it through a proxy site if needed. But right now, I'm unable to access my entire domain. No ftp, no MyPhpAdmin, no Wordpress dashboard. NOTHING. I don't even have email blogging set up so I can't blog through email.

It better be the internet. It has been ridiculously slow here for certain things. For once, I am hoping that this is a problem caused by the earthquake in Taiwan. I have no idea what I'd do if it was really blocked. Plan my suicide or find a way to get the f out of here.

For now, all I can do is wince at the fact that there is one spam comment showing and I can't get in to delete it.

Ok. Frustrations vented. Will use this as an outlet for now, as I always have in the past. Don't expect any of this to get read since everyone else can see my blog and not realize that anything is wrong. They probably think I just got a new boyfriend or something and just got too busy to blog. *sigh*

Thank you, blogger, for taking me back.

We've Moved - again!!!

So, www.fayemin.com is finally up. I have hosting! (Thanks, Dad!!!)

Good riddance to 5 gigs - you suck butt, and goodbye once again, blogspot. You've been mostly good to me, but Wordpress is what the real bloggers use.

Please update your links to http://www.fayemin.com/blog
(Keep the www, it works without it, but it's so much easier to track who links to me when it's all the same)

I am in neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed of a blog.

So much for unblocking blogspot. The moment I start writing here again, the Chinese governement decides to reblock the blogs. They are out to get me, I swear. Fortunately, I was finally introduced to the option of using proxies on sites to access them. Slow and pain in a butt, but a definite option.

I feel like I'm drifting because I don't have a blog. It's like a part of me is missing because I can't access posts written in China and I haven't documented anything that has happened in the past month.

Today, I went on a mission to fix all my blog problems. 5 gigs is screwed for good, I'm positive. Dad set up a subdomain for me under his domain - which he pays good money for - but I can't access it right now. Gargh. The blog transfering will have to wait. I don't feel like a real blogger anymore. This sucks.

There's a lot to update you on. Blah. I hate playing the catch up game. So I won't. But you need to know that I've started quasi-dating this guy I met at a party about a month ago. I made reference to him in the last post, the hot geeky buddhist hippie Texan guy. Yeah. That one. I don't know exactly what this is, and since I leave for home in slightly less than two weeks, I don't think I'll need to worry about it too much. While he was the one who got my number and initiated the friendship with dates and stuff, I am mostly responsible for the relationship that we're tangled in now.

He found my blog and read the last post, and accepted that I had written him off. But I guess I hadn't. I don't know. To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing and it disturbs me. Symptom of some sort of issue I have to deal with. I really don't do this alone thing very well.

I know part of what spurred this was that just after I'd "written him off" in my head, I started talking to Matt again. That scared me, I guess. I opened up to him a little and then I could feel myself wanting to be back with him again and remembering how much I loved him. That makes me vulnerable and easily hurt. So it was convenient to run in the opposite direction.

So I guess in some way, I'm just using this guy.

The thing though, is that I really, really, really like him. Tragic to not be able to expect any future out of this relationship. But at least that's understood and mutual. I could really get attached though, so I'm keeping my guard up. Ish. He's good at making breaks. If I had a choice, I'd grab hold and suck the life out of him by spending every free moment together, just like I did with Matt.

Ugh. I hate being the clingy one. Why is it always me?!

Part of what makes this confusing is that I hardly understand what's going on on his end. I just found out through his blog, which I finally found (with his help) that there's another girl in the picture. Not that she's a real "threat" or anything. But that's not what I'm worried about. I don't get competitive. I usually step back. The point is, that I'm the girl who stepped toes over here. I had no idea about this girl until after. If I did, this would be a non-blog.

I guess what I'm saying is that the secrecy that was present in dating me while still semi-involved with her bothers me. At first, I thought it was him pursuing multiple girls at once. That's something I think is cute and amusing. People always have multiple targets, I get that. But this is on a different level - to me anyway. Things mean too much to me. There's some commitment that I am used to being able to expect, and I can expect none here. I want things to mean something, but they don't and won't.

So it leaves me feeling somewhat insecure. I guess I still carry some scars. Afraid of getting burned.

Besides, while I thought I'd settle for something that was just for fun, I am learning that I really don't know how to do that. I'm looking for someone to be in love with. The kind that makes your heart jump because there is hope and future. And complete trust.

This guy here, he's been really supportive of the whole celibacy thing. Surprisingly so. That's his most impressive trait yet, I have to say. And there are a ton of other great ones. Also, there is something completely comfortable about him. I open up to him easily. It's easy to talk to him. Matt was an amazing guy, but there were little barriers there when it came to communication. I didn't feel like it was safe to be weak around him. And when depression hit him after he went home, he shut me out. I often felt like I wasn't given room to talk about me. There was plenty of room, but I just didn't know how to come out with it around him. Nothing that couldn't have been worked on but not smooth and easy like an ideal relationship, I guess.

Anwyay. I won't compare. They are too different anyway.

But this is what I like about this... whatever it is.

I'm trying to be good about this still having space thing. My problem is that I don't want space. I never do. Not from people I like in that way anyway. I have to fix this before I ruin another relationship with it.

Issues. Relationships make me realize I'm full of them.

I'm not ready for THE guy. But I don't know how to do alone. Simply said, I'm screwed.

On another front, I don't know why, and this really upsets me, but I'm really dreading going home. I'm seriously thinking about staying here for Christmas (since my brothers won't be there anyway) so I can celebrate it with my friends here who don't have homes either, and then go home to have a late Christmas with the family. The one thing that makes me excited is the warm weather, although I really think that I've been dealing very well with the cold.

It snowed here briefly last week. I was out walking when it first came down. Lucky me. It was beautiful. Beijing is very dry, though, so snow is very rare. There were no traces of it left in the morning.

I don't know exactly how cold it is, and I don't want to know. If I found out, I'd feel cold just knowing that it should be. I just wish the heating in my apartment were better. Getting out of bed is a real challenge every morning.

Ok. Back to not wanting to go home. The problem I guess is that I haven't done anything for my family lately and have kind of been stuck in me me me world. To be a part of the family again makes me feel slightly claustrophobic. Now I swear up and down that I love my family to pieces. And I do. But what I mean more is that I did. When I was with them. And spent time with them. And thought about them. I've completely detached myself from them. I don't call home unless it's a birthday, pretty much because it's so exhausting. I hate that attitude.

I think that this is a definite symptom of something bigger. It could be that I'm trying to hide from them because I feel inadequate. Something. Anyway, I know I will remember how much I miss them when the time comes. All the more reason why I need to go home. I need to be reminded about what's most important.

I wish I could apply the same detachment skills into other more useful areas in life.

Anyway. This turned out to be a blog written out of some sort of emptiness again. Ugh. I am happy often, I swear! I just don't blog when I am.

Other quick updates:

1) I ate a scorpion just before Halloween. It was yummy.
2) Isaac gave me his iPod mini. But I dropped it a week after. Now it's dead.
3) My bike was stolen for the 3rd time today. It's no longer upsetting. Just funny. I've been on a "losing streak" lately. 3 bikes, 2 cellphones, a whole backpack with all my money (over 1000 RMB) in it, my right glove...
4) I've been knitting. It's like my latest obsession. And I admit that the reason I like it is because it's feminine and fits into that stereotype with some maternal figure. So much for being a feminist.
5) I bought a Christmas tree for my place. It's taller than I am. And it was cheap. I love it.
6) Roommate left for Taiwan for a couple of months a coupla weeks ago. Will be back sometime in February when I plan to get back from Malaysia too. I've been offereing people a place to stay like crazy because while I REALLY like not having her boyfriend over here anymore (it's not that I don't like her bringing boyfriends over. I just don't like him. I feel so much more at peace with myself now that I've admitted it instead of trying to be nice and love everyone)I don't like being alone in this house. I like people. Company.
7) I have a new calling. Branch Pianist. Hah. It follows me everywhere. No matter how big the branch and how much talent, I still end up with 2 callings. Makes me feel important, I guess. But I'm just glad to be able to play the piano.
8) I went to my first full-body massage a while back with my roommate. I hated every minute of it. Why? Because I'm too freaking shy to ask the masseus to go lighter. The second time was much better.
9) I have gained weight! How much? FIVE FREAKING KILOGRAMS! You know what that means? I am heavier now that I've ever been before! And you know, it's not because of Chinese food. It's because McDonalds is right next door and too convenient. How sad.

Ok. Next list, wishlist.

1) Pro-account for Flickr. I hit the 200 picture mark. And I want more than 3 photosets.

2) External hard drive. I've run out of room for music on my laptop. Must have more music!

3) Piano. Or a keyboard that feels like one (with suspension pedals!) anyway. I neeeeeeeed to play piano more than once a week.

4) Warm clothes. I have stuff to keep warm. I just have to keep wearing them. I'm used to going 2-3 weeks without repeating anything. This is weird.

5) Another Heater!!! Or cold air not to come in through my CLOSED windows!

Huh. I thought my wishlist was longer. Well, I'm sure I'll think of a few more things. More affordable ones. And maybe more fun and less practical ones. I'll let you know.

I know what I really want. But nobody could give that to me. Plus, I don't think I'm ready for it.

I can be patient.

I just can't take not blogging anymore.

ARGH! FIVE GIGS CAN SUCK MY BUTT!

And yes. Blogspot, how nice of you to take me back again.

I've been feeling slightly empty lately, hence the sudden urge to blog after a whole month of empty space. I read the entries from last year. That was an exciting time for Faye of 2004. She just met the guy she thought really could be it. It was butterflies and flirting and daydreaming and crazy grinning all day. Wow.

I miss it. I read the one post where he dropped the C-bomb, as in told me that he loved me (albeit in Malay) for the first time. I feel no connection to him whatsoever now, no desire to get him back, to have his love. Nothing. But I do wish so much for that type of feeling, for that sort of romance back again.

Now, the only thing that got me feeling a little school-girlish for a little bit has died. Nope, no more non-member Buddhist hippies from Texas for me. No matter how geeky, how hot or how great a dancer. No offense to any hippies or Buddhist people out there. I have complete respect for your principles, ideas and way of life. But I'm looking for someone with a little more in common with me on the fundamental issues. Geekiness and dancing is not fundamental enough.

Send in those mormon guys, Santa. Please. I promise i'll be a good girl next year.

It'd just be nice to be completely smitten like I was last year and have the guy be just as smitten with me. It seems so unlikely for it to happen now. I'm beginning to wonder if I am even capable of being smitten. But hey, last year I had a summer-fall breakup and promptly met a new guy just before winter. I'm about due now.

Blah.

It seems that the more I get to know people, the less I like them THAT way. Oh, I still love them as friends. But no more butterflies, smitten-ness, desire to procreate with them, walk down the isle etc. When I meet another one of "the one"s, it will be the opposite. The more I get to know them, the more I will fall in love. Falling in love. I'd like to do that sometime soon. It's on the top of my wishlist this year, Santa.

I put up my Christmas tree with Brooks the other day. And then after he left, spent the rest of the night crying. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I feel like I love my life, and then later within the same day, I'm feeling like it's meaningless and empty.

I've felt boring lately. Uninteresting. Bland. Nothing interesting, smart, witty or funny to say. Or write. Reading those old blogs reminded me of the person I was. Doing so many things. I'm pretty busy now, but life is routine. Meet with different groups of friends for meals, clubbing, watch movies, text people, play hexic, teach English. Not learning anything, not really doing new things often. That's why I haven't felt the itch to blog. I feel like I'd have nothing of importance to say.

My English class nearly made me cry yesterday,though. The topic of discussions was on beggars. It did NOT go down well. I'd taught the exact same one before. And my, it was awesome. But this class, I made them debate about whether or not you should give money to them, but they could only come up with reasons NOT to give money.

It made me so heartsick. You have no idea. I don't get angry easily, but I was having a hard time controlling my rage.

Don't people understand the obligation to help others if you are better off? It was always "The rich people should help the poor". Of course, they don't think they're rich. "There's nothing we can do. The government should be responsible". "The beggars are better off because my life is more stressful".

Someone mentioned on Sunday in a talk about gratitude that we're all in the "me" generation where we don't think we need to be grateful because we believe in entitlement. I earned it. I did it on my own. I deserve it.

It's true. And then we forget to share. What is this world coming to.

Now, I knowing giving money to beggars who are likely to be imposters isn't the solution. I don't do it often. But the fact that they weren't even interested in helping the less fortunate is what makes me sick.

ok. I need to stop writing about it. I'm seething again and I have to see these people and be nice to them and teach them English. Elitist snobs.

Roommate left for Taiwan for 2 months yesterday. I don't need to be back to work till February so I think I'll go home for Christmas and stay till then. Maybe. Want to be home to meet the new singles (if there will be any) as they come in, but the warm weather in Malaysia is so much more luring than winter here. Besides, I won't have any paychecks to live off then. Might be wiser to stay home and spend quality/quantity time with the fam.

Who knows. Maybe the guy I'm going to be smitten by will be in Malaysia. The odds are very, very, very, slim. But I have to talk myself into wanting to be there somehow. I guess I'm ready for a change. A little break in Malaysia will do me good.

I know I should be more excited about going home again. I am thrilled to see the family and loved ones again, but my heart has been so removed from them for so long. I long for a family of my own now. My own husband, children, cat/dog. All that. My heart is wandering in search of that and I'm leaving behind what should probably be the most important thing in my life right now.

Well, here's Faye. It's been a month since blogging and hardly anything has changed.

Oh. Anybody know where I can find mistletoe in China? I'm offering to kiss the first guy who finds it for me under it. Yeah. Here's what's new. Faye is now also a lip whore.

Moseltov.

Life in Transit.

For some reason, this Internet Kiosk here at the Narita airport can't open my blog. So, I am blogging here temporarily until I can transfer this post to where it rightly belongs.

I am safe. I am good. I enjoyed the flight. I wish I chose the salmon instead of the chicken for the meal, and wish they had some better movies.

The view from the plane was gorgeous. Especially just leaving Hawaii. The ocean is just simply bluer there than it is anywhere else in the world. *sigh* I miss it already.

As I was sitting on the plane today, I found myself making up imaginary conversations in my head, and talking to myself (not out loud though, relax) and while I remember doing it a ton before, I realized that I haven't in a while. Too much computer accessibility? Thoughts turn into text before they fully develop? Who knows.

The reality of the situation I am in hasn't settled in yet. I don't think it will for a couple of months. Narita airport is a good friend of mine. It's been with me through every single move. Every change in my life. It's nice to be back here again.

I'm nervous about meeting Matthew again. I asked that we don't kiss until we/I'm ready. I don't know what that means, really, except that I feel like I want to do it "right" and I enjoy the buildup. What a masochist. Oh, the fact that the bracket on my front tooth is missiing makes me too self conscious to open my mouth even to smile. Much less to kiss.

Not that I open my mouth when I kiss or anything... *ahem*

Anyways, I've kind of run out of substantial things to say. not that I had very many to start with or actually put anything down. But I am alive, I am well. And I miss my blog already.

Peace out.

All is well at last: MOVED AGAIN

What, were you looking for my blog? Oh. So sorry, but I've moved!!! We are now at

ALMOST FAYE-MOUS 2.0

Please, please please please please update your links to http://fayemin.5gigs.com. I link to about every reader that I am aware of, all the blogs I read and the blogs of people I know personally. Now that my incoming links are considerably less than my outgoing ones my Blogshares valuation is suffering.

Think of the shareholders. Who takes care of them, Bob?

Yahoo Cache = My Hero.

Oh my Gosh. I thought I was about to die. But Yahoo cached my page recently. The last time I backed up my database was a week ago, so I had most of my posts and comments saved. I have saved all the posts I wrote since then, up till "Chapter One" and I've only lost 2 posts. One on the music, which was inconsequencial anyway, and one on the analogy. I miss the analogy one, but it's ok. Nothing too important or irreplacable. It's the comments that I am really sorry to have to lose.

But it's ok. I've lost comments before. I've read them, and somewhere in my extremely moldable memory, I have stored it forever.

I still don't know what is up with my stupid Wordpress blog. *sigh* At least I still have this. I will be grateful for what does work.

F***!!!!!!!!!

I am ready to pull my hair out strand by strand after banging my head repeatedly against the wall and then running into cars on the highway. I am an idiot. Something happened to my blog on 5 gigs and in trying to remedy it, I deleted my SQL database.

I don't know crap about what that does, but I'm pretty sure that means that all the posts and comments from my last backup have been wiped out.

I effed it up. Now I'm crawling back to blogspot. Great. I feel like I just flushed my entire life down the drain. How sad that this feels more intense than when I got notified of my suspension in school.

Oh yeah, all those heartfelt blogs and nice comments about that turmoiL? All gone. Yep.

Happy Weekend everybody.