Am I really that intimidating?

Or all all the guys here just chicken? Hey chickens go with chicks – that works. Just don’t catch the bird flu that’s been going around across the border from here and we’ll all be ok. Or else, we’re all dead meat.

Dead meat. Hah! I made a funny…

Back in the market.

I just got the funniest phone call! Ok. Maybe not “ha-ha” funny. But close enough!

It was Poh Lin. Lady from another branch in church. About my mom’s age, but divorced with 4 kids and totally COOL. She is like a very, very wise teen with a stellar sense of humor in an adult body.

We went out together for dinner with a group of other singles last Saturday, overate and laughed till our sides split and our facial muscles were cramped. (Lyanne, I don’t a how to ever thank you for inviting me!) It was just a blast!

We had talked a lot about dating and mentioned many of the single and highly eligible guys in our area and one of her son’s best friends (her son is a couple years younger than me in age but 5 times older in maturity) King Sik – no clue how to spell his name – came up.

Apparently, he just decided to change his major from Architecture to just art – not sure what art – but that means he can now go to BYUH! I have been trying to sell how GREAT the school is, and I am PUMPED that he gets to go now, but I still feel really guilty for some reason.

Anyway, I thought, hmmm… I should get his email so I can talk to him... but wait, he’s less than 6000 miles away! I can call him. I used to be the girl who would organize group dates in our district or just get all the youth together and hang out – I thought maybe I’d start again. With most of my friends in my old clique gone to BYU-H, I should start a new one.

Before I get to go offensive though ,(do guys find that intimidating? Maybe that’s why I’ve only dated haoles – “how lees” white guys, for you unfamiliar with Hawaiian lingo), she calls me. Made me swear I won’t tell King Sik that she did.

She just talked to 4 of the guys, single guys, and young too, from her branch and reminded them of all the great single and available girls we have in our area – encouraged them to get out and date some. I guess she must have mentioned me. Hey, I’m one of the most highly eligible bachelorrettes around, what can I say? loL!

Ok, so maybe I used to be. At the Single Adult Convention last year, I made sure everyone knew that I had a boyfriend in the US. Might’ve used my American accent a couple of times too (hey, American is the language I think in – these blogs are written with my “American side” not to be read in a local Malaysian accent! *shudder*)

I had just come home from college then. Still VERY snotty. I think I seriously thought I was too good for Malaysians. I still don’t think that I’m completely one of them. But I’ve learnt to accept that being Malaysian is a huge part of me, whether I like it or not. So I’ll either deal with it or turn it around and make the best of it.

Either way, all the guy single adults still know me as “the girl with the American boyfriend” and don’t even know my name.

Hehe. That’s funny. Because everyone knows Faye. Faye wants everyone to know her. She collects people who like her. People who don’t know Faye will know Pres. Chong, Faye’s father. Even in BYU Hawaii, people I hadn’t met before know me as “Roy Thong’s niece” (Roy is my Singaporean uncle who went to BYUH way back when)

I come from a family of celebrities. We’re one of the most active families in the church. We’ve been around a long time. I don’t say that to boast. We’re not all that great, but we really do love the church and when you’ve been around a while, people just know you. Most of the single adults here now are converts (the ones who are not are away at BYU). They expect a lot from us “born into the church” kids. As they should.

Oh dear, I got sidetracked again! Back to the phone call…

Poh Lin told me she gave at least one of them (King Sik) my number and basically tried to sell them to me and I guess she really didn’t say it, but I suppose she wants me to like play along and do something with them. I would’ve anyway so no prob.

Unfortunately, people don’t date for fun here. You get seen alone together and people assume you guys are a thing. And that’s it. No chance of meeting anyone else. You casually date 5 different guys at a time like I did at BYUH and you’re a slut or a player. Ok, I admit I’m a player maybe some of the former too. But not because I’m trying to get to know a few guys at a time!!!

So, I’m not over my breakup yet. Mark and I just told each other “I love you” again today. But hey, if I had waited till I was completely over my exes before dating again, I wouldn’t have dated Jared, Mark and all the other ones in between. I would probably still not be over Matthew or Jared now if I hadn’t forced myself to move on (ok, so maybe it wasn’t TOO hard. My eyes tend to notice guys)

Jumping into a relationship immediately on a rebound is bad. Ok, even if not on a rebound - jumping into anything is bad! (Unless it was money... like Scrooge McDuck. Oh, don't tell me you've never seen DuckTales!) Take it from me – I know. But, HELLO, I’m not looking for someone to propose to me! I just need to get out, make friends, and start working on getting my sense of humor back again. So, whose up for a date?

Poh Lin is just da bomb. She’s like my personal agent. She’s EVERYONE’S personal agent. I hope I can find someone for her. She deserves it. So, are there any straight up LDS single men in your 40s out there who don’t mind an instant family?

Bottom line is, I now have a cute guy’s number (I said he's cute, not "I want to marry him"!) And he has mine. I wonder who will call who first?

We interrupt this broadcast with a special announcement

After one month of relentless searching, explorers have discovered possible signs of life on planet Faye’s blogger.

Hope is restored once again. *cheering*

Lyanne, you rock my world!!!

Another random thought

Short blogs are so much easier to handle for a reader.

So maybe, I should just type up like 40 short blogs a day. So you can handle little bits at a time.

Naaa.... most of you don't read them in the right order anyway. It's from the BOTTOM to the top. Ok, repeat after me: from the BOTTOM to the top...

I spend 2/3 of my life here.

If I keep this up, I will have nothing left to blog about but my dreams and well, blogging.

Oh no! I've started already!

My new & improved, feedback comaptible, viewer friendly blog.

Viewers, what viewers? I know of 3 people reading this. But I told Mark and Jared. It took Jared a while before he started reading it and I constantly have to remind Mark.

And Shien, I have NO IDEA how you found my blog - plan on ever telling me?

How many of you out there are reading this but keeping very quiet?

I suppose I can't assume that everyone has no life and have all the time in the world on their hands to read blogs like I do.

Anyway, I have put these thingys at the bottom of each post so you can write blog-specific feedback on the spot. No need to bother with email even. I've made it so easy for you - no excuses! In case you haven't noticed, I have been desperately seeking for signs of life in here.

Frankly, I'm jealous. Everyone else have got a ton of people reading their blogs. I read a ton of people's blog - and I give them feedback. What about ME?! Even if it's to tell me how dumb and immature it is of me to be obsessing over the fact that no one is giving me enough attention!

I guess that is what I really want huh? But hey, don't all writers want their stuff to be read. And when people cook something or bake a cake and so pleased with their accomplishemnt, don't they try to stuff their friends' mouths full of it - even if it tastes absolutely horrible?

See - you'd do it too...

Oh my goodness!

I just stopped by Amy's blog. I'm horrified! (I know I'm not the only one) What happened? I hope she's ok. She was planning on ending it by the 31st.

And I haven't emailed her for a couple of weeks now. I keep saying that I will - but she was getting so deep into the story, honestly, I had no idea what to say to her. It's also very hard to write someone without ever getting a reply. I hope she reads my blog every once in a while.

I still think about her every day. You've made me a worry wart, girl!

Something more beautiful than toilets you can smell a mile away - I hope!

The first poem I ever wrote - it was for Eng101 in college, just slightly less than a year ago. We had exchanged poems for our poetry analysis paper.


Dancing
by Fei Min

Fallen,
once green
and full of life
she lies on the cold concrete
waiting.

When all at once,
Invisible fingers
gently
lift her up,
leading
her into a dance.

Where once she hung
quivering in the breeze,
longing to break free from
her leash that held her
above the ground,
she now is free!
Free.
Released in flight,
fluttering
like the
beautiful
butterflies that would
kiss her
in her youth.

Graceful,
she twirls
like a ballet dancer
with wings.
Filled with
life
once again.

But alas,
the song is over and
her unseen partner
lets her down
tenderly.
Breathless and
dizzy
she sighs
as she descends
reluctantly
back to reality.

No longer dancing,
she rests.
And the hope that
perhaps
by chance
she might be chosen
again
for just one more dance,
makes it
worthwhile being
just
a brown
dry leaf,
fallen.

Q: What's grosser than wearing a sloshy, stinky, leaky sanitary pad?

A: Having to change into a new one in the PUBLIC RESTROOMS in Malaysia! Ewwwww...

I am SO GOOD!

You know, for someone who has never learned HTML, I do a pretty dang good job! I've added alot of little things to further customize my website.

Is it too geeky for me to enjoy this so much?

I feel good... nana nana nana nah...

Put away all your mirrors!!!

Pictures of me are in order!

Check out the new link to my Yahoo Photo Album

I can't hide from you now...

Delving deep down into the past.

Found this on my flash drive. Thought maybe some of you just might like to read it. It's long. You don't have to, I will have to forgive you eventually....

------------------------------------------
Faye: Hey =)
Jared: hi
Faye: Still awake I see
Jared: no… i should be asleep but i cant deny you
Faye: That means I can say anything I want and you won't remember? Cool
Jared: actually, i was replying to your email
Jared: wont remember what? oh, that? ya, it will stick with me.

(…some incoherent nonsense – we were doodling, I think…)

Jared: whats the deal with your cam? it keeps comming off all the time
Faye: I keep trying to type while the thing is on "disconnect"
Jared: that logs the cam off? oh, thanks!
Faye: For what?
Jared: disconnecting me. Is that some hint?
Faye: No. I did it by accident you lolo. What were you doing?
Jared: replying to your email
Faye: It was a short one (I wrote him a SHORT email?!)
Jared: it is so long, and i wont send it till we are done here.
Faye: It wasn't a "write me back" EMAIL
Jared: I know, but i went off.

(More doodling nonsense “Hey nice drawing” “Thanks. But the fork…” “Yeah That needs some work…”

Jared: it's a super long email
Faye: I like long things – uh,,, I mean emails
Jared: dont read it infront of your roomate.
Faye: ok. The joke o the day was hilarious! (heck if I remember what it was!)
Jared: thanks. true, huh?
Faye: well no, but funny
Jared: i dont know, we in america have it all figured out...
Faye: Like why Mexicans don't have barbeques?
Jared: the beans fall thru the grill?
Faye: yep
Jared: hey, i'm good...
Faye: I told you that one before
Jared: why dont mexico have a good olympic team? and no, ive heard it before...i live in arizona, remember!
Faye: Because all the Mexicans who can run jump and swim are already across the border. I know
Jared: uh, no. because of malnutrition...duh!
Faye: Funny
Jared: thanks?
Faye: Welcome? So, did you take the test? (personality test www.match.com)
Jared: yes. i didnt take the test yet. i mean yes. i didnt read the results yet.
Faye: Oh, why not?
Jared: nice hair
Faye: Sheez
Jared: been busy
Faye: Oh I give up
Jared: you ruined you hair. just cant get ir right huh? it's getting late and i do have to wake up early. I have to go to my lonely cozy waterbed and pretend that someone is sharing it with me now...*sigh*
Faye: Poor baby. At least you have Buska (his cat)
Jared: when we log off, i will send my email
Faye: You mean when YOU log off
Jared: and no, buska cant even be there. since mike is so alergic, we have to keep them out while he is here. (Brother in Law)
Faye: oh
Jared: mike is laceys husband
Faye: Yeah, gotcha
Jared: this sucks!
Faye: what does?
Jared: ever want to start things over? like life?
Faye: No
Jared: oh, thats good. i do
Faye: It took so long to get here. I'm not going through Chinese school AGAIN
Jared: maybe not that exact same life.
Faye: I'd like to change some things. Ok, well, a lot but I like where I am
Jared: me too
Faye: or where I'm going anyway.
Jared: where are you going?
Faye: To be married.

(Man, I almost remember actually BELIEVING that)

Jared: soon? to whom? when?
Faye: No. But I like who I am. There are some major flaws I need to fix but I'm on my way to becoming exactly what I'd like to be
Jared: I like your personality too. its a keeper (big compliment. Will be a while till I get one worth that much again)
Faye: Thank you.
Jared: i think you can get there
Faye: It'll take a long time but I am happy with my progress.

(Yeah Faye, you took like 999 steps backwards. What progress?! A long time, you say?!)

Jared: i get long winded and preachy on what i feel like you need to do to get there. i hate that i am sending this but i feel like its stuff you need someone to tell you
Faye: It's ok. Today is a new day from yesterday (what kind of English is that?) I feel like I have a brand new life. (I really did. What happened to that I wonder) Talk to me in a few more days and make sure I still say the same thing
Jared: good. why does it have to be me *sigh*
Faye: Why DOES it have to be you?
Jared: i hope i wont even have to, it'll be that good. to answer your question about the why me...because who else knows what i know that has a gospel perspective? who else do you have in a situation. just me .
Faye: What do you mean?
Jared: a simialr situation, who knows all of this about you and is as close to you as i am? besides matt!
Faye: No one. But I have my parents. It's not your responsibility, Jared.
Jared: i know
Faye: He's the problem. He doesn't count (I think we’re referring to Matt)
Jared: but it affects me
Faye: It shouldn't
Jared: you know that he's the problem?
Faye: Of course I know that he's the problem. I’ve always known.
Jared: yet you sure don’t cut your ties with him! why?
Faye: That's the problem
Jared: i deal with that in my email a lot

(The email got cleared in my inbox. *sigh* It’s just as well. Now I can’t dig up too much more of the past)

Faye: that it's a really hard thing to do and I'm not trying hard enough.
Jared: ya! i agree. why not?
Faye: I'm sorry you're frustrated. Feel like I should have kept the thing retracted.
Jared: its ok. i was already thinking it anyway
Faye: Look, it’s not your problem anymore I appreciate your concern
Jared: look, i love you. and that makes your problems matter alot to me
Faye: but if it's bringing you down like that
Jared: should it? no, but it does, because i do.
Faye: You can't.
Jared: if i am getting annoying, just let me know
Faye: Oh, I do.
Jared: i think i am starting to bug you (I think he’s STILL afraid that he’s bugging me. It’s cool now, he did start to bug me towards the end. We stopped talking big time then.)
Faye: No, you're starting to worry me
Jared: how?
Faye: That my problem is such a big problem to you. My parents being worried, I understand but you should be free of my burdens and my mistakes should only affect me.
Jared: maybe its since i have no life of my own to worry about.
Faye: Probably. Argh!!! Flying cockroach! (Don’t you just love the dorms?)
Jared: Fei, dont be naïve (he spelled it nieve but I just had to correct it. I might just go back put in the caps too), you cant really think that your mistakes will only affect you. it doesn’t happen like that.
Faye: I know
Faye: It's just unfair
Jared: i agree. it is. but that is the way it is
Faye: What would it change though, if I fix my problems for you?
Jared: i could stop worrying about you, maybe.
Faye: It would change alot for me, that's for sure.
Jared: i admit, i do love you. i shouldnt, maybe, but i do. (Ouch.) for that reason, you matter to me. it's that simple
Faye: You can stop worrying. Jared, I'm not really that stupid - I know what I need to do. Some days, doing it is easier than others. (Yeah, the stupid part is that you don’t do it girl!) But I'm on the right track.

(Oh really?)

Jared: i know you are smart. but i see things that worry me. (I don’t know what exactly they were at that point, but there’s always something to worry for Faye about – I switched those words around a few times. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PHRASE IT BETTER)
Faye: Well, I think you love me for the wrong reasons then. Someone better deserves that love. That's why we broke up. My problem isn't yours anymore.
Jared: yes, i know. i'll say it. I dont want to love you anymore. I wish i could rid myself of it. (Double OUCH) I would be easier. but it's not that way. i know why matt cant let go of you. but i will be stronger than him. I want you to marry. I do. And not me. someone better. i want whats best for you, and that isnt me now.
Faye: Oh, don't say that. What's best for me now is to be on my own to figure things out. (Man, I must have been so numb I actually stayed calm! I think I cried though or I wouldn’t have saved this)
Jared: ya, i mean in the long run
Faye: I can't get back into another relationship until I really feel like I deserve one. (Oh just watch, I started dating Mark a month after that?) I don't know if you aren't. But it doesn't matter.
Jared: ya it does. it determines the roll i will play
Faye: role.
Jared: ya, i was about to fix it, but i knew you would (loL! I actually fixed it and then saw that my past self already corrected his mistake. I’ve stopped doing that since I started talking to Mark. Just too many. And some people take it more personal than others)
Faye: No it doesn't. How does it determine the role you'll play?
Jared: if i'm still it, the one, i need to be around when your ready and i dont think i will be
Faye: You don't get it, do you. Once you've broken up, that's it. Your lives are separate. And one really doesn't play a role in the other except in shaping the person they've become. I don’t know.

(I look back on relationships and talk about exs a lot, but I really don’t wait around to get back with them. It’s my thing where I figure if I don’t hope, I won’t get disappointed. So, when I broke up, I figured, that was it. No hoping to get back with Jared. Which would explain why I jumped right in with Mark - little knowing how crushed Jared would be after. I thought he had accepted that too.)

Jared: or if i am there, i wont be there emotionally for that. this is the first time i have felt this way about anyone. i dont want to lose it but i have to and i really dont know how to act with these feeling or what do do about it
Faye: I know how you feel, believe it or not.
Jared: i always thought that once i felt this way, all i had to do was ask her to marry me and it would be all Osmond from there. well, it isnt that way. so i am confused and dazed a bit. im an emotional deer in headlights.
Faye: Well, do something about it before you get hit
Jared: i dont know when it will be too late, or if it is.
Faye: It's not too late
Jared: we'll see
Faye: I'm beginning to not see you in my future. I guess that's a good thing. I definitely don't see Matt anymore. And that's a HUGE step
Jared: i like to tell myself that i will feel not only this way, but better, happier, more in love. but i wonder.
Faye: You will defnitely be happier
Jared: i dont see you in my future anymore and that is what hurts the most (it sure does, doesn’t it)
Faye: So? What are you sticking around for? It's not that you can't let go, it's that you're afraid to: because you don't know if it can happen again.

(Wait a minute – wasn’t I the clingy one?!)

Jared: the one person i can say i have and do love, and i cant even see her in my future. And I'm not hopeless?
Faye: If you can't then it's time to end it.
Jared: i know and where does that leave you?
Faye: Doesn't change a thing for me (Bull s***!!!)
Jared: you have to lose two guys at once, matt and me.
Faye: I think that's how it had to happen.
Jared: i dont want to leave you alone
Faye: I don't want you to either but, I think it's ok.
Jared: but i will, if i have to. do I?
Faye: Be a little selfish for once.
Jared: but thats not what i want! i want you!the you i thought i was getting! (Ooooh STAB at me will you?!)
Faye: She doesn't exist
Jared: the you that isn’t there (Oh do that again will you!)it is there, just deep and needs some polishing
Faye: Jared, you're not in love with me. You're in love with being in love.

(So am I, but I still think that I was in that relationship for mostly the right reasons. Hadn’t happened before nor do I think it has happened since.)

Jared: i dont know. i suck at this love thing. I never have been good at relationships. how will i ever have a good one? ugh.
Faye: You will. I see it happening you deserve nothing less than the best (and Su is in Hawaii now!)
Jared: well the way things have gone so far, i wonder (loL! You would still hold to that wouldn’t you?)
Faye: And until I become worth loving, I don't deserve the best
Jared: you are worth loving, but not ready to be loved
Faye: Thank you. Hebrews 10:36 "For ye have need of patience that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise"
Jared: good thought for the day. i get tired of waiting how much longer aleady!? my bro in law was married 6 mo after his mission. i'm jealous
Faye: I'm glad you didn’t. Verse 35 “Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward
Jared: confidence in me or God?
Faye: A little bit of both. (how about A LOT of both?)
Jared: i have no confidnece in me anymore. its all a show
Faye: Jared - that's not a compliment to me to say that
Jared: that wasnt the angle i was going for
Faye: =) (*sigh* Those smileys. Haven’t used them in forever)
Jared: i got lucky with you, i did. (Not the only yo.) lightning dont strike twice... (didn’t you watch “Sweet Home Alabama” with me?)
Faye: I think it's more than luck Heh. Seen "Sweet Home Alabama"? (Hey, I really haven’t changed much! loL! I don’t think that was that great of a movie. Just perfect for context)
Jared: i really think that we were supposed to meet.
Faye: me too
Jared: i also think that we were supposed to married
Faye: I don't know about that. I refuse to think it because it just confuses me even more.

(I refuse to think period. I hurt myself either way. Less energy not to)

Jared: but i also think that it went wrong, and now we have to move on
Faye: that just bites
Jared: i know
Faye: And I'm going to be kicking myself for all that I could've had. Actually, I already am. Have been.
Jared: i think i'm in the dumps because i think i finally found the one, and when i did, it STILL couldn’t work. (you think you’re the only one?)
Faye: I was never "the one" You shouldn't believe that (I gave up believing in “The One” that would mean all I’ve dated were the WRONG ones.)
Jared: i do
Faye: And there's not only a one. I could've been
Jared: but there are other "the ones" around. I do belive that too
Faye: You are one.
Jared: but ya, you were one of them, i think that
Faye: were, could be; bottom line is: am not.
Jared: it sucks that i got to meet one, and now have to move on.
Faye: Well, maybe you need to turn it around. It should give you hope that maybe it can happen again.
Jared: ya hope of another 23 years to pass before i meet her! i cant wait anymore and not for that (referring to sex, I’ll assume), the relationship part.
Faye: You just need to go to bed (Ouch! I hated it when Matt did that to me! I think you need a new day to start and you'll be in a different frame of mind
Jared: maybe. im all emotional now
Faye: You are.*hug* You need one bad
Jared: your going to hate me after you read the email
Faye: Hate you?
Jared: ya
Faye: Couldn't ever. (Did for a while but not just because of one email, and only out of bitterness)
Jared: you'll see. thanks for the hug. i feel like i really need a big hug right now
Faye: I've skimmed through it. Seeping with frustration. (who, him or me??)
Jared: that was fast
Faye: SKIMMED. I need to read it again or actually read it
Jared: i thought about not sending it till we were done here but i gave up holding it in
Faye: It's ok
Jared: i think that i just needed to vent
Faye: I'm glad you sent it
Jared: i have no one to vent on, or to. it's you that gets it all (do I still? I don’t mind it at all you know)
Faye: Glad I could be here for that I guess
Jared: I'm going to leave you with my email now
Faye: I'd like to hear your side of the story every once in a while
Jared: it says the rest for me.
Faye: ok
Jared: bye...
Faye: Jared – wait – before you go
Jared: what?
Faye: Don't make it your problem. You forget I worry for you too and your problem is mine.
Jared: too late for that. i love you (don’t you hate it when it hurts to hear it or say it?)
Faye: as do I. Now go.
Jared: love you?
Faye: =) Yes, I do love you
Jared: bye
Faye: bye.

------------------------------------------------------

Hope he doesn’t strangle me for publishing this. I don’t know why I did. But sometimes it’s nice to share memories. I love reading old emails and conversations. It’s better than searching for a sad sad movie to watch so I can cry some. There’s only so many time you can watch Moulin Rouge till your tear glands run dry to that movie.

The saddest part of this story is that there hasn’t been a happy ending yet. And we’ve moved on to a lot of other things, but we’re still dealing with the exact same issues.

His issue is finding someone. And mine, getting myself ready so I don’t miss the next chance.

Life can be full of regrets. However, if I let that weigh me down, I’ll never get on to the next phase. Of course I wish our story ended with a marriage. But it didn’t happen so we learn to let it go. Not all is lost. Somewhere in time there’s still a happy ending waiting for us. For me. For Jared. For Mark. For you. The only difference is that our story has now become separate. They intertwined for a while and it was great while it lasted.

Now we just have to go on and complete our own little movies and make the best of the film we have left.

Some people write books in their minds about themselves

I make a movie. Have camera angles for my first kiss, all my airport breakup scenes, the music… the perfect lines from the better part of a relationship that I thought seemed unreal – like it was scripted.

Han (my oldest brother - he turns freaking 14 this year! I read my first real porno when I was 14. Gee…) has a comic strip. I’m even featured in it as a regular character as his bossy, evil sister.

He’s actually getting really good. I’m in the process of setting up a website and launching his strip for him (I get to be his first publisher!) where there will be a new strip a day. More pressure for him to keep drawing them.

Anyhow, just for kicks, I’ve gathered a list of quirks or characteristics my alter-ego would portray in a strip. Comic strips love to exaggerate the bad things so don’t worry. I think I have some good things to list down some other time. No promises.

If I was featured in a comic strip, my character would….

1) wreck the car every other week
2) be so skinny and flat you couldn’t tell if I was turned sideways or facing forward
3) have one permanent black dot on my face that changes its position every strip
4) switch boyfriends every strip (my brother portrays me that way in his strip!!! Don’t worry, I don’t do it that often – just every semester.)
5) get a new hairdo often and insist other people were having it because they saw me.
6) have a room in which you not could never see the floor
7) sleep on the couch because I didn’t want to clear my bed
8) burst out crying at everything (worse than Drew Carey even)
9) get a really expensive manicure but bite my nails off right after
10) wear shoes with heels at least 2.5 inches tall and have messed up feet and knees as a result
11) think “lol” instead of “haha” when I laugh
12) read the back of every bottle in the bathroom while on the toilet and get frustrated that they write so little on them.
13) keeps getting a new pets every week because they keep dying.
14) have EVERYTHING I own purple one week then switch it all to blue when I decided I like it better the week after and then yellow and…
15) sleep in the day and nap at night
16) get extremely cranky to be woken up from naps – or is that sleep now?
17) be an anti-homework activist – and not a hypocritical one either
18) absolutely hate bananas because of the smell
19) often get grounded again as soon as or before the last one was over.
20) have a song for every situation
21) talk all my friends’ ears off about all my exes.
22) always be trying to hide a hickey (you owe me a JOB J-Bo!)
23) constantly be in search for clothes that increase cleavage
24) get cold all the time – never be seen without a sweater
25) have a blankie I bring everywhere like Linus from Peanuts
26) be an internet addict with at least 20 cyber boyfriends at a time
27) have a Sim family with every guy I liked
28) be easily persuaded into liking ANYTHING – as long as I liked you enough.
29) always carry a HUGE bag around with everything in it
30) have ZERO depth perception and aim
31) have no ability to play ANY sports whatsoever
32) my response to “Do you know (someone famous)” would always be “Who?”
33) have 3 alarm clocks all 3 fast but at different speeds so I never know what time it really is (this one is 100% truth – I kid you not!)
34) always be 15mins late
35) carry toothpaste around as a breath mint
36) do math problems for fun
37) always misplace the car keys
38) love to cook and bake. But would torture friends and family with burnt /bland/and overly salted food
39) work on 100 projects at a time but never finishing a single one
40) have the motto: “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”
41) read instruction manuals as a hobby (right now, I’m reading the one for my new calculator. I’m such a geek – I LOVE it)
42) be blind without my contacts or the glasses that make my eyes disappear
43) turn the shower on in the bath and practice dance steps or act out shampoo adds in front of the mirror instead
44) always get shaver burnt all over
45) be on a weight gain diet
46) be addicted to mint
47) always buy lipstick that doesn’t work on me
48) have no artistic skill whatsoever – or at least no patience for art
49) constantly talk about the stuff I’ll do when I’m rich and famous
50) eat a lot of whipped cream as a dessert of choice
51) always compare my life to episodes of Ally McBeal.
52) schedule my life around my TV programs
53) play “Taboo” at every chance I get.
54) have all the Taboo cards memorized – ok I don’t yet, but I’m close!
55) love flying for the plane food – and ooh the sunrise!
56) always have a weirdo “psycho stalker”.
57) often get cheap trainee haircuts that come out looking weird
58) always “forget” to bathe the dogs about my only real chore at home. (Mom and Han do it now!)
59) despise girly girls. And like TOTALLY be one.
60) constantly try to resist the urge to like pink.
61) do HUGE load of laundry every 3 weeks and re-wear dirty clothes until they smell. You don’t even WANT to know about underwear. All I can say is some pants are NOT meant for going commando in.
62) doodle in textbooks replacing my last name with the ones of guys I liked: “Faye Min Shipman” “Faye Min Bodine” “Faye Min Braynard” “Faye Min Blogspot”
63) waste time calculating the compatibility percentage with guys I like by messing around with their names/birth dates/phone numbers and mine.
64) come up with a crazy new design for my wedding gown every other strip
65) forget to eat meals on a regular basis
66) drool over the pale, skinny computer geeks
67) dislike surfers, jocks and Utahn guys (wait, they’re all the same thing!) with a passion
68) ask “what’s sex?” and friends would think I was serious
69) always talk about the kind of perfect guy I’m going to marry
70) complain about not getting a 100% on a test
71) shop for underwear at the little girls section at WalMart
72) sing loudly and off-key in the shower at the dorms after quiet hours (usually at midnight or later)
73) talk A LOT about non-existent American boyfriend to other Asian guys so they don’t try to hit on me.
74) decide to start spelling my name differently every other week.
75) be so competitive, I’d race all the guys on a hike trail, even come out first, and be faint with exhaustion for the next week. I swear they let me win just to see me suffer after
76) say such LONG prayers in Sunday school that whenever I offer to say the closing prayer, a young man would insist he did it instead.
77) forget to turn the headlights on and drive in the dark
78) only like guys a handful of years older than I am – and be too immature for them.
79) always talk about how we Asians are different from Americans
80) memorize passages from text books word for word
81) change the illustrations of guys in textbooks into girls
82) try to play the violin and drive the whole street crazy from the screeching (I’m really bad! I’m pretty good on the piano but I can’t seem to make it significant or interesting enough to fit that in)
83) only come out of the bathroom stall when no one is out by the sink after #2-ing so that if someone was bothered by the smell, they wouldn’t know it was from me.
84) practice kissing on a pillow/mirror
85) read everything. Posters, signs, cereal boxes, random people’s blogs...
86) buy another set of the glasses/shoes/clothes that I REALLY love as backup
87) have all my children’s names picked out.
88) sleep in through classes earlier than 9am on a regular basis and drop all classes in which attendance is required for a good grade.
89) not do any homework until AFTER the deadline and only if it affects my grade.
90) sort my clothes/hangers/CDs/stationary by color
91) spend hours reading recipes and feeling really good – without ever doing a single thing. Same goes with making any other kinds of plans
92) play the song that I currently love over and over until I get sick of it. Whenever I hear that song, I’ll think of the phase I was going through way back then.
93) complain about wanting to go home after being out with family for longer than 2 1/2 hours.
94) spend hours making anagrams out of people’s names.
95) fall asleep in the library while studying because it’s too quiet in there
96) sit in the game lounge to study for the noise
97) never study till the day before or the day of the test
98) always be dealing with more than one breakup at a time
99) decide I am republican one morning and a democrat another – whichever party my current boyfriend is for.
100) refuse to go to bed because I’m working on some list of what quirks my imaginary comic character would have even though I’m tired and it’s freaking 3am.

I am still thinking of a name for my strip. One of my favorite comics ever is Calvin and Hobbes. We absolutely ADORE Bill Watterson in our family He comes out with cool names for his books – but why name your strip “Calvin and Hobbes?” gee that’s original.

I could do something totally cheesy like Fickle Fei or should that be Fickle Faye? Is it better with or without the e???

Something to lighten the mood.

I have these 4 black spots on my face. You could connected the dots you’d get a cross right on my face, a diamond, 2 triangles (one pattern with the 2 triangles pointing towards each other and another pattern with their bases) an arrow pointing up or down, even a kite!

Fun stuff!

Also, isn’t it ironic how I can’t hide my blemishes because my skin colored pimple gel caused it in the first place? And makeup is WAY worse!

I think I’m just going to take a marker and connect the dots so they will point up. People will look up and I will make my escape.
I’d connect it down, but there isn’t much to look at there.

At the rate I’m losing weight, I will shrink down a cup. What’s the alphabet before A?

Either that or I’ll lose weight everywhere else and be in perfect proportion.

Oooh... I’d like that!

Figuring out the mystery behind me.

You know, it’s not that I’m upset with Mark – the poor dear hasn’t done anything wrong. Or even my parents or Su. I’m really just upset with myself. For feeling the way I do and reacting to this in such a negative way. I know I love self-pity. It’s not the kind of person I want to be. It’s such a struggle though. And it really doesn’t make it any easier to always have this inner battle to fight and constantly having these conflicting feelings.

I’m trying. I have great things going for me and when I have a great day, I’m not just pretending to be happy. But so often I I’m just trying to figure out how much I’m allowed to cry. At what point is it too much? I guess I’d love some reassurance. And I’d like to be told that it’s ok. But different people will tell you different things.

Some people would like to convince me there’s nothing to cry over. Others would love to say “just get a grip”. Or perhaps that I can fake it till I make it. Whatever. I’m just going to talk about it here. I’ll be ok in a minute.

Thanks for listening. I guess I really need to stop worrying about what other people think, huh?

More sappy emotional stuff... you have my permission to skip this.

I know, I’m pathetic and fussing over stupid girly things. (Girls, don’t hate me for this, I used to hate girls for that too. I thought they gave me a bad reputation. Of course, I hadn’t been in a relationship before then)

But at least I’m honest.

Overall, I had a great day. And I’m going to dwell on that. I don’t want anymore feedback telling me that I sound depressed in my blog.

I could be. I haven’t eaten lunch more than twice a week since I found out I wasn’t going to Hawaii. Maybe even before that. I’m trying to build muscle but I don’t eat much meat, how am I supposed to get my protein?

Hehe, oh. I forgot. Soymilk. I’ve been drinking it a lot lately. And DO NOT pervert that Mark!

I wonder what people think about me when they read my blog. Or should I wonder if people actually read my blogs - besides the ones whom I ask to read. I know; I cheated.

This is really my form of talking to myself. Everyone does it. You know you do. Except that when I talk to myself, I also can have imaginary conversations. Plan out what I’m going to say. Imagine his reply. Giggle to yourself when your imaginary companion teased you about something (yeah, it’s my secret – I like to be teased).

Amy mentioned in her blog how everyone is the hero in their story. And how people have their own little world.

Yeah. I have my world. You have yours. And I really don’t like how I come out as depressed, emotionally dependant, clingy and losing more and more of my barely existing sense of humor everyday.

In my little movie, I’m the protagonist. You’re supposed to watch it and cry with me. Like I cry in Ally McBeal. I’m a sucker for sad songs and sad stories. If you think I’m just immature, and rant too much don’t read my blog. I’d rather no one read this than be judged for feeling sad. (Watch, I’m going to defend myself from a non-existent people who are “judging” me. My way of telling myself that it’s ok to be sad, or that maybe I really do have a problem?)

Gimme a break guys, I’m dealing with a breakup. Or at least trying not to have to deal with it. I’ve been grounded from college and “contact with overseas” which to me means, no friends. But I said “screw that” and am blatantly disobeying my parents or trying to get around having to obey them, at least.

*sigh* I don’t do it just to disobey them. I just lack discipline and see no point in exerting it. It’s an unfair punishment. It really is. I am already exercising restraint and spend a lot less time talking to Mark. Just don’t make me stop completely. Please. Not yet.

I already broke up with him because I can’t be there with him. It’s hard enough. Don’t make me go through this without a friend to talk to.

So that’s what I set the blog up for. I use it. You’ve see how much I’ve written today because Mark didn’t come online. Sheesh. I even changed the whole color scheme for my blog. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how hard it is just to get colors that match. And then you have to find where all the color codes you want to change are in the source code.

Not the same as having someone actually there.

No offense, blog.

I lied. I’m not really just looking for a friend.

I just want something I can’t have.

I must not be over my breakup yet.

I was in such a good mood this morning, I dressed my best to work. Put me in a GREAT mood – hence all the blogs, but I still think it’s kind of a waste.

Some days, I dress up just so I can feel good – I love to make myself feel pretty, I’ll take any excuse. But most days, it’s for someone. In this case, Mark.

You know how girls get all dressed up for the prom and they all feel like princesses. But if you got all dressed up and looked pretty yet went to the prom alone, it wouldn’t matter how great you thought you looked in the mirror earlier.

So I looked good today. I felt good.

Is it wrong for me to feel disappointed because by the time Mark DID get to see me, I had to change out of my dress due to the dark red stain I got the back and that my hair had long since gone flat and my zits have dried out more than ever so I have these BLACK spots on my face.

Ah well. It would be a waste if he did see me dressed up anyway because guys never notice if you spent 2 hours curling your hair and wearing your best outfit (it only counts if it’s sexy and revealing – but I don’t do that, so…) and woke up early to put your makeup on. They can’t tell the difference. They think you’re pretty every day. Which is supposed to be a compliment.

Still.

Geez. What I’m really fretting about is waiting all day to talk to him but not getting to till 10 minutes before mom comes home and I have to go.

He had a great day though. Jimmy Buffet concert and everything. Good for him.

I still remember when he would pick up the phone even if he was still asleep. Not anymore.

Get over it girl.

I've got mail!

Don't you love getting things in your mailbox - for you?

Even if it's junk mail. Ok, call me dorky but I keep every new issue of the Dell brochures I get every month and in college, I'd sit in my room at night reading my Sharper Image catalogue.

Nice to think of what I'd get when I'm rich and famous, I guess. Right now, my own computer would be just HHHHHEAVEN.

Speaking of never getting to college, (in my last blog, at least) guess what I got today?

My 3rd acceptance letter to BYU-Hawaii! WOOHOO!

I need to be in school by the 19th, I'm PRAYING there won't be a flight then so I'll just have to leave earlier. Hehehehe. Even if I have to stay in the TV lounge in H4 for a whole month.

J-Bo - tell your parents to stay there on vacation till AFTER the 19th!

Speaking of not being pregnant...

Good news! My monthly natural preganancy test shows negative.

It's a good thing I don't have reason to worry either. Aunt Flow NEVER keeps to schedule

Not I don't want any kids. I'd LOVE to have a dozen of them - no guys, wait! Don't go! I - but I don't plan to start till I'm married.

Ok. Not just married. After college.

Assuming I get back there again.

Hey, what do you know?

He DID publish his email - I'm not telling YOU where it is!

loL! Oh no, here comes trouble.

I see you shaking your head, Jared. Stop that!

Hehe... what would I do in that situation, I wonder...

Got this from some guy named Matt's blog "Similar to Rain" J-Bo gave me the link.

Peggy and I were discussing earlier today what consequences would follow if we were to switch bodies, Freaky Friday style. She said that she would go shopping to get me some new clothes and get me a new haircut, which would in all likelihood lead to her getting hit on by other guys (she likes the girly boys, so she imagines that's how she would get me to look) and she would probably forget to turn them down.

I, on the other hand, were I suddenly to find myself in Peggy's body, would lock myself in her room and play with my new boobs all day.

...

So it's probably just as well that this doesn't happen, for all involved.


Man, I wish this guy had his email posted or SOME way I could contact him. Sounds like my kinda guy. OK, maybe you have to see the other things he posts first to see why. Or maybe you never will.

Jared says I have weird taste in men. Says alot about me dating you, doesn't it?!

So, Matt, SUE me for re-publishing your blog! At least I'll get to contact you!

Think I can persuade another Matt to convert and marry me?

p.s. You girls out there, getting pregnant doesn't work.
p.p.s. Don't worry, I have never been pregnant before.

Anouncing Faye's blog's total MAKEOVER!

I am SO good! Don't you just LOVE the colors? They are SO me! Ok ok... maybe now, it's blatantly obvious that I am a girly-girl. But I suppose I can't hide much from the world if I post my diary on a blog!

A great shoutout goes to this AMAZING webpage! Check it out. They have all the colors you need and their codes.

I still can't decide between a white or beige background.

Any ideas?

Lessons from a 6-year-old.

I yelled at Ray today because I caught him peeing with the lid still on (he ALWAYS does that!)

Too late, he made a mess. I told him to clean up and then he started whimpering and sniffling. The poor kid was crying!

He usually opens his mouth wide "WAAAAAAAAAAAH! Moooooooommy..." No kidding. He's the baby in the family, so he cries for things he wants. Fact of life. He gets it.

Anyway, I just told him the day before when he finally stopped crying after we gave him a bath (took him a good 20mins - and only because I told him he could ride in the car with me if he stopped -the kid has stamina!)

Uh - I lost my train of thought.

Oh. I explained to Ray that if he wanted something, he could just ask, no need to scream. If something made him upset, he should tell us what it was and why so we could fix it instead of getting mad at him. (I learned that soap gets into his eyes whenever the maid would give him a bath, making it a horribly unpleasant experience for him)

I also explained that it's ok to cry. I told him that I cry too, but no one can here me when I do because I don't do it for attention. He now understands that crying for attention is not a good thing and all of us will call him spoiled if he continues (and he HATES that)

So, back to the story. When I didn't here a "WAAAAAAAA..." after I snapped at him for not lifting the toilet seat, but got a whimper and alot of sobs instead, I just felt HORRIBLE.

I apologized to him as soon as he was done. Something we don't usually do in our family - big flaw. I thanked him for not wailing and told him I was proud of him.

As I was putting my shoes on getting read to leave the house for the Sushi a minute later, Ray ran out to give me a hug and a kiss (the darling, he does that at the most random times)

He said he was sorry for not putting the lid up and that he didn't do it on purpose. He simply forgot. He promised to try harder to remember it next time.

Oh. My heart just melted. I of all people should know how horrible that feels like - to be yelled at for a complete accident.

Now if I can just remember that for life, I will be a much nicer person to my brothers and my future children.

I just hope Ray doesn't starting whimpering all the time because he knows he can get pity from his big sister that way!

I'm such a sucker...

My costly facial products had BETTER work!!!

Eli pointed to a spot between his eyes today. "What's that?"

"It's a zit Eli, you'll get them when you're older."

Then he points to his chin.

"That too?"

Sigh. "Yeah..."

Speaking of Korean...

Guess what I did with the Young Women today?

We had mutual and we made SUSHI! Ok, so it's not Korean. Only better!

Mmmm.... I'm drooling already just thinking about it.

All our Young Women were there, which makes a total of 5 people. That was ALOT of Sushi between us. It was really fun. My first activity with my girls. I keep having to remind myself that I'm a leader though.

Rachel was really at her best tonight - in case you don't remember or are just jumping in, Rachel is my bishop's daughter. Chinese girl, adopted by an american family. She just turned 12 towards the end of last year, but she has some special needs. She had a hairlip - though now she has scars on her face instead, but it's not just that.

Rachel's not quite her age. And she often gets angry at people. Especially boys. Hehe. Luckily the Young Women are such great girls, that they really do encourage her instead of making fun of her.

Isn't church just such a great environment?

She really looks up to Tiffany (see Self Pitying blog - Jan 19, Sunday) I guess she looks up to me too. She's the only girl in her family and she's looking for a role model.

Anyway, Rachel was smiling from ear to ear when we got to church. And that's very rare. Apparently, she just started recorder classes and was just bouncing off the walls, waiting to tell us all about it.

She's a very shy girl - and unsure of herself. She hesitates everytime she makes a move (like choosing a hymn, or picking a color for her handout, or even a sushi to eat) because she's afraid she'll mess up. She let's everyone go first or just shakes her head "I'm not good! I'm only good at soccer." (someone must have been giving her alot of reassurance in that field)

She said that when we tried to talk her into rolling the sushi. We all got turns. Mine was the biggest mess (surprise, surprise) and I kid you not - when she finally warmed up enough finally joined in, Rachel rolled the roundest most perfect sushi of us all.

Oh it was great!!! When at first, Rachel was too shy to even eat the food we had made, when she was about to leave for for home, we aksed her to take somemore (she was already eating one). She didn't even hesitate! Just smiled and took 2 home with her.

I guess this sounds silly to you. Getting so excited over someone taking 2 pieces of sushi home. Ohh... I nearly forgot, we had a huge giggle too. Rachel finally opened up so much she was talking about school and somehow got to talking about boys having hair under their armpits. loL! I don't know how the YW were responding to her, but her dad had just come in and she asked him "Dad, guys get hair under their armpits don't they?"

He was SO embarassed! But he said yes anyway.

"See...I TOLD YOU!"

We were too busy trying to hide how red our faces had become - both from laughing and embarassment.

The poor girl. A few more months and she'll need to check with her mom if she's really a girl.

Hehe. You just had to be there. I hope that wasn't just a one time thing. I mean, ok, I can go without having to talk about guys' underarm hair, but I hope she will continue to open up to us like she did.

It says alot about how much she trusts us.

I remember when Eli, her youngest brother was so shy and would cry when his parents left him in the nursery. He's totally come out of his shell now. It's a great feeling.

These are challenges that I really enjoy. It's the kind of thing you look back for the rest of your life. And it makes you feel good because you can say you did something small that changed someone's life in a big way.

Q: How can you tell which facial products to buy?

A: Hey - if I knew, I'd be saving a BIG chunk of money! And sebum too. And tissue paper - the less zits, the less stuff that oozes out after I pop them and the MORE forests we'll have. And more guys will look at me too!

How do you I choose them? I just look at stuff they write at the back. And how professional the design looks. If there's Chinese writing on it, I say forget it and put it back. Somehow, that makes it look cheap.

The worst thing ever is when they try to cram THREE languages into one and the English version is like a direct translation from language that was directly translated from the original. lol. We get some pretty funny things. If I can find one, I'll publish it on my blog for you.

The bottle has to convince me that my zits are going to be taken care of. I ended up spending RM50 yesterday on a bottle of foaming cleanser and toner from Neutrogena, basically because I didn't have much to choose from at the drugstore I was at. Not much else said anything about being for "troubled skin".

Troubled skin for a troubled teen. How apprapoe.

Ends up, I bought something that has more Korean writing on the box than English. loL! I'm kind of mad that not everything was translated into English.

Grrr...Why do people do that?! Anyone here can read Korean?

Mr. Shipman, bring me a cream....

You made soap in chemistry class - think you can make like a concoction to work for my face?

People use either 10% Benzyl Peroxide (which works great for giving yourself one odd blonde streak in your hair) or sulfur.

Isn't that what some volcanos emit? Sulfur?

No! I don't need more eruptions!!!

Burst THESE bubbles of mine, baby!

ARGH! I have these HUGE zits on my face. Almost as big as Enrique’s mole. Only I’ll bet you they weren’t filled with pus.

Hair sticking out of moles are grosser though. Ewww.

Ok, so it’s not really filled with pus. Anyone know how they get so big? I’d pop them… but I can’t! And if I did and dried them out, I’d have these BIG scabs on my face – even larger

And I couldn't get ThOSE surgically removed and put them on ebay either. Ok, I could but it wouldn't be worth squat. Not compared to Enrique's mole. Ugh.

I can’t believe this. I’m having these zits the size of KLCC exactly where I applied my acne treatment gel the other day. This CAN’T be happening to me!!!

Any ideas? I’d try Windex, but we don’t have any in the house. Hehe.

I’d better get rid of these before Dad tells me to put Tahitian Noni Juice on them.

Maybe it WAS Noni Juice that made Mahana so pretty…

“I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me."

So, my dear not-so-anonymous-reader commented on how lonely I sound in my blogs.

Not only that – he offered to help me deal with that. LoL! Thanks but no thanks. Thankfully cheap phone cards have been invented for the sole purpose of me pushing speed dial #2 whenever I feel like it. And when that doesn’t work, I get to dial Jared’s number (because I keep forgetting which one is for him and which is for Su.) And then there’s this blogger. *muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuah* Total love of my life!

I think I already have my kids’ middle names picked out. I mean, it could ALMOST be a Chinese last name! Blog/Chong – what’s the dif?!

He also said that I make it sound like everything was perfect in Hawaii. Asked if it was paradise.

:D lol. Good observation. Yes, I do sound lonely in my blogs, and I feel that way when I write them, usually. I guess I should stop writing them at night, huh? I’m going to turn this blog upside down, and get like a new attitude – one that doesn’t drain by evening. The energizer attitude. Yeah!

Hawaii – yeah, it’s paradise to me. And I’m not alone in that. It’s been hell too, you know. Best and worst times of my life. Honestly though, I’m just looking to it so much because don’t we all fantasize about being someplace else? Some place supposedly better. “Anywhere would be better than here! (Except China…yikes!)

But you know that song? By someone named something Carpio according to my mom – Theresa Carpio (is she right? I don’t know) “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me”. Made no sense to me before. I think I really appreciate it now.

On the bright side, now that I’m single again, I can start looking for a nice Chinese guy who speaks Engerish to increase the Chinese population here with. Yay.

Hrmph. I’d rather him be mute!

Or neutered. Even if you did it yourself J-Bo.

If not, there’s always the vet that neutered my dog…. It’s mating season. It’s SO sad to watch!

On second thought – I’ll stick with mute.

I have learned some ASL after all.

We interrupt this program with a special broadcast....

Phone rings – I look at the clock: 11pm. 5 am in Hawaii. Nope, can’t be Mark.

Wonder if he’d surprise me one day with that. *hint*hint*

Gee. When I’ll stop doing that? I automatically convert to Hawaiian time everytime I look at a clock.

He tried calling me twice today. Missed me both times. Of course. Or I wouldn’t have said “tried”.

Timing. Show of hands how many of you have had that work in your favor?

Yeah. I thought so.

SAD? My blogs make me sound SAD?!

Feedback.... I asked for it, I got it. I just never expected to get it from someone not so random. Oh dear. Talk about freaky.

I got an email from one of my sister’s few guy friends today. (Yeah, you know who you are) How the HECK did you find my blog – and how did you know it was me?!

I know this blog is like my public diary. But perfect strangers, I can handle, ex-boyfriends – I love it when they read this. It’s half meant for them anyway. You know who you are. But people whom you know but want to keep as just acquaintances…? I’ll need time to rethink that.

Uhmmm….

Ok. I’m done. Ehh...no. Wait – no.

I-ay ould-shay art-stay iting-wray is-thay in-ay ig-pay atin-lay o-say (can you see….. lol. Sorry couldn’t help myself) at-thay only-ay e-thay eally-ray mart-say eople-pay an-cay omprehend-cay e-may. Is-thay ay-way, I-ay ill-way e-bay (So THAT’S where the name for that online auction site comes from! Pig latin for “be”. Hmmm. Let’s look that up at www.acronymfinder.com! Yeah, I do that when I’m bored. No life huh?) able-ay o-tay ell-tay ich-whay of-ay ou-yay are eally-ray interested-ay in-ay at-whay I-ay ave-hay o-tay ay-say. I’ll-ay et-bay I’m-ay ust-jay iving-dray ou-yay azy-cray ight-ray about-ay ow-nay. It’s-ay angely-stray UN-Fay (hey, un-me?) o-tay o-day is-thay o-tay ou-yay! Ook-Lay, ou-yay ust-jay eep-kay eading-ray…ack-bay or-fay ore-may already-ay?

LOL! Ok enough is enough. I’m so dang tired of doing that. Maybe to be mean, I should put like a translation of that paragraph right here – AFTER you’ve wasted your time trying to decipher it.

Naa… meaner to leave you no choice. *rubs hands together* Hehehehe.

Enough of that strange language. I’m not sure I want to be known as “aye-Fay”

*shudder*

Worst day of my life #2587

But who's counting?

Once again, one slip up too many and I’m in deeper trouble than I thought possible.

When I was little, I would drop and break things all the time and lose things in school. Every time, I would get yelled at and punished. I’d wonder why I was punished for something I did by accident – as if I didn’t feel bad enough. Scaring the wits out of me really didn’t help me be less clumsy or forgetful.

That’s what today felt like. *sigh* Just one mistake too many. That’s all it takes.

People often look back and wonder what it would be like if they changed one event in their lives? I have so many I can just point out. If it wasn’t for that, I would be in Hawaii today. Maybe even still be dating Mark. I’d like to think that THAT’S the better future. Lucky for me though, it’s not a course I’m ultimately forsaking. Just delaying.

Today was Chinese New Years Eve. The boys didn’t have school so I didn’t have to get up as early. But I did have to get our domestic help, Kakak Tun, to my grandparents at about 8am because we’d be having a family reunion there that night and my grandma asked for her help.

I had driven past my gate when Kakak yelled out. Apparently she was supposed to bring the shrimp with her and she had forgotten. Anyway, I backed up, planning to stop where it was convenient for her to get to the boys’ room and have someone unlock the door for her. I don’t know what happened or what I was thinking, but like the prize idiot I am, I forgot to check my mirrors and ran the back of the van into the flower trove right outside my bedroom, putting the left rear wheel in a small ditch. Our driveway slopes down – I had backed it down a slope so gravity was not in my favor.

I was in a hurry. Anthony usually gets the key from my grandpa’s office down the hallway from ours to let himself in when I’m not there. Since it was CNY eve, they were closed so I needed to get there before he did. Didn’t want Dad to yell at me for being irresponsible and not on time.

Stupid idiotic mistake number 2. First the gymnastics and then this. Put them together and what do you get? Your neck in hot soup.

I remember what my dad did when stuff like that happened before. Although this was the first time I’ve gotten stuck in a ditch, I’m not the only one who has had accidents. He’d put planks underneath the spinning wheel and try to drive out – otherwise attach a 4WD to pull it out. I tried the planks in at least 50 different positions. Our neighbor has a Pajero but they weren’t home. I should’ve thought of calling other people before dad got home. I was desperately trying to get out of the mess by myself but I wasn’t sure I was doing it right and I figured dad would know better. So I called him.

He was at the office. Gee. I didn’t know. He came home 20mins later, fuming at me, and couldn’t get it out without another car. Since we sold the Honda, we don’t have a 4WD of our own. He knew Anthony couldn’t get in too so he took me to work on his bike instead, leaving my mom to deal with the mess.

On the way there, he lectured me. Telling me how it wasn’t an accident. How none of the slip-ups I have ever made are accidents but my will. Half true, but unfair to use for this incident. I was already crying before he started. Thankfully he was in front of me on the bike and the noise – and the helmet – drowned most of his words.

My parents seem to feel like I don’t feel sorry for my mistakes. That I’m very proud of myself or something. They love trying to break my non existent ego. Especially Dad. Mom is a little more understanding. Dad on the other hand LOVES to drive principles hard and hates emotion. He and Matt would’ve got along SO well.

We got to work slightly past 9. No Anthony. He called to say he would be late and showed up only at 12pm to collect his paycheck and to ask to take the day off. So much for that. *sigh*

The lecture continued. I had work to do that whole time, so it wasn’t so bad. But I ended up getting grounded from the internet. It’s not the first time this has happened. In high school, they were trying to keep me from talking to Matt. And they had good reasons to. But I’d get around it. I’d sneak on the computer at night when my parents were sleeping – till they hung up the line at night. Bought myself 2 modems because they confiscated them. Got my own keyboard when they hid the one here. Got my own account with the ISP because I didn’t have their password. When Internet at home was no longer available, I’d go to cyber café’s after school.

They knew what I was doing. But there was only so much they could do. I’ve paid for disobeying them. In some ways, maybe I’m paying for it now. Mom and Dad don’t punish me for ONE thing I’ve done. It’s always everything put together. Whether or not punishment has already been incurred before.

And bad decisions lead to more bad decisions and more things to be punished for.

The last time, they didn’t even lift my ban. I guess it didn’t make a difference to me. I ended up working for my dad where I had access to the computers and the internet. I could use email at home, if I asked. But I really hadn’t much to email unless it was to my “boyfriend” And then I moved to college.

When dad said he’d ban me. I protested. He said it wasn’t fair. But he wasn’t going to do fair anymore. He wants me to focus. And implementing some control over my use of the internet isn’t completely unfair. But a complete ban till I return to college. That’s tough. He said I have to at least become normal.

Yeah. I need another reminder of how I am an abnormally problematic child. Thanks.
No more going to Cyber Café’s he said. I’m too old for that. I’m 19. I’ll be 20 in a few months. My parents let me have a car I can use. I go out on my own all the time. They try to give me freedom, they aren’t half bad. How can they expect to ask me to give up my one outlet?

I see their point now. But it sure feels like I’m being grounded for a not being careful with the car.

The worst part is that I’m not the only one who has accidents. Su has had a couple much worse than that. The one time she drove us all into a bigger ditch – it was in fact Mark’s birthday and he was here. No one yelled at her for it. Everyone was just worried. Mom even laughed.

No. I’m not allowed mistakes because I’ve used up my mistake tickets.

Life will always be unfair. It’s true that Su’s a lot more obedient than I am. At the same time, we’ve never had the same treatment. Su can’t work with dad because she always disagrees with him and he makes her cry after every disagreement. I managed to keep her from working for Dad. Good for her, not so lucky for me.

Dad looks at his company as life training ground. Han, Ernie and I get all of Dad’s attention. Han because he is the eldest son – dad’s favorite if he had one – and Ernie because of his anger management problems. Me, well, eldest daughter. And the most challenge to “fix”. Like Ernie. Dad loves to fix things.

Some kids slip through the cracks. Not my luck. I don’t mean that I want my dad to ask Su to work at the office either. I think I’d still rather have it unfair to my disadvantage.

As soon as Dad left the office, I disobeyed him. I was in a pit and needed to talk to someone. Mark was there. Ever ready. Made me smile even. What a blessing he is.

Dad didn’t mention anything about the phone. I suppose he figures since Mark and I have broken up – and we really have talked less – that it wouldn’t be an issue. Maybe he just forgot. In any case, I haven’t asked. I’d probably get a no if I did.

I’m going to try to negotiate. Instead of a complete freeze, maybe a time limit or having to ask for permission each time. It’s going to be hard, but I can handle that.

This isn’t supposed to be a punishment, just like me being here isn’t done just to torture me. Although dad HAS been on a power trip lately.

It’s supposed to be character building. It has shifted my focus. I did need that, I’ll admit. But as much as I may start doing things with the YSA here. Or get very very busy with work, I’m still going to need a friend. And Mark is my best friend right now.

I’ve called him so many times in a day since. I’ve had a very boring weekend. Walking in circles around the computer, upset that there is nothing good on TV or that I’ve already watched all the good DVDs and there’s nothing left. Unsure of what I’m allowed or not allowed to do. I can’t sleep at night because I’m still waiting to do something useful with my day.

Obviously the computer has become a big part of my life. Too big. And it’s good to try to change that.

So if I don’t reply your emails. Sorry. I can’t. I’m still going to keep doing these blogs. I’ll still have access to the Internet. I need to work on websites and stuff. It’s going to be weird.

Life goes on. I’m numb already anyway. I’ve decided that you never experience the same thing in a same situation twice. The first time it happens, something in you dies. And if and when it does happen again, you feel nothing. And all you can do is mourn for your loss of emotion.

It’s ok. Good has come out of this already. One day at a time. That’s almost more than I can handle as it is.

Great day - but not without a price.

Han got out of school early so I took off work earlier than usual to watch the LOTR, The Return of the King in the theatre. Something I’d been planning on doing for a LONG time.

We went to the theatre at the KLCC (The mall attached to the tallest building in the world, for those of you who are less informed). I was pleased that there was virtually no line, and we had a choice between a show that was just starting and another 20 mins later. Since we hadn’t had lunch, we chose the latter and Han and I went to Burger King – Han’s first time. Mmmmmm… man did we had a really good lunch (I found myself hoping I would burp so I could remember what it tasted like. Hehe.) BK is the only fast food place that I know of in KL where we can get free refills so we snuck our drinks into the theatre and bought a large thing of popcorn to last the both of us the whole movie. It was GREAT. I loved every minute of it – so did Han. I was glad he was there.

I had to keep the popcorn away from him though. He wouldn’t stop!!! I knew it was a long movie and little popcorn so I had to ration it. Towards the end, I forgot to take it away and he had finished it save a few seeds. Luckily it the movie was about to end anyway.

After the movie was over, everyone got up and left. I usually try to stay to watch the credits – partly because I’d like people to see my name if I was in there somewhere but mostly to see if there are any surprises at the end. Hey, you’d miss seeing Mike Wazoski (how the HECK do you spell his name?!) swim across the screen with his one eyed goggle in “Finding Nemo” or the twist at the end of “The Pirates of The Caribbean” if you didn’t. At the end of “The Ring”, I was disappointed when they didn’t play that video at the end of the credits. It’s probably a good thing too. That would’ve freaked way too many people out a heck lot more than they already did.

Anyway, to make no attempt to make this blog concise, everyone left but me and Han and the theatre employee just stood there walking a few steps lower when we did, making it very obvious that he was waiting for us to leave so he could lock up and clean up. I suppose I could’ve stayed if I wanted to – even if just out of spite, but it was awkward and I don’t do awkward.

Outside the theatre, there was this couple collecting out ticket stubs in exchange for a magic card or a LOTR card. We both got LOTR cards – Han has one of Gimli and I one of Aragon AND Legolas. They looked like regular patrons though – I swear they didn’t work for the theatre. I’m still trying to figure out why they were collecting our stubs. I was hoping to make that a scrapbook entry too. Hmmm…any ideas?

I paid a total of RM9.50 for parking!!! The movie was about 3 ½ hours or more and we were there BEFORE that. I knew it would be a killer because it’s KLCC which is why I wanted to take the LRT (local subway) instead. I should’ve. Gee. I spent so much money!

It wasn’t till I was driving home that it hit me.

It was Tuesday – Shuan and Ernie have gymnastics then. As the official chauffeur in the family, I was supposed to get them to the gym by 5pm. I was nearly halfway in the movie at that time.

I was so worried, my stomach was all tied up in knots by the time I got home. I expected the boys to be home still and very mad at me – instead mom had taken off from work to take them. That was worse.

I apologized to mom and picked them up from the gym. I was just in time for that.

It was a complete idiotic mistake. I was so wrapped up in finally getting out and DOING something besides sitting at home and moping. It was like a date with Han. I had a good time.

Mom and Dad didn’t say anything about it really. I thought it was put behind them.

I still haven’t learned. They never forget.

The sound of silence

Sorry for the short void. I have alot of explaining and catching up to do. I've only just written these blogs, on a later date than I'm posting it on, but it makes it easier when you can see what date the blog is for. Plus, it's for my sake too. Keeping the dates right. Happy reading.

Q: Why blog?

A: Because I feel so much more at ease with myself now. Thanks.

How do I look in green?

The color of jealousy.

We had Family Home Evening Today. Dad's new calling as the district counsellor requires him to have meetings on Sunday evenings, so we switched FHE to the REAL night - Monday. It was nice to know that Dad would be home earlier.

FHE was short and sweet. The short lessons are the best because I have 4 kid brothers and my attention span isn't much longer than theirs either. I was in charge of refreshments but since Shuan had already baked a cake for our family (and it was DElicious) I traded with him and got to be in charge of games. Instead of playing our weekly "Fruit basket tip over" Ray's fave, I thought maybe we could play something new. So I pulled up our UNO cards (because we don't have a single set of poker cards with more than 30 cards in it) and taught them how to play the version of BS I made up - because I don't remember how all of it goes.

They enjoyed it. We were giggling and having a good time and I was glad that they liked what I picked out - they were complaining about it earlier. 4 rounds into the game, the phone rings.

Guess who?

Su!

Oh, joy!!!

In hindsight, this all looks so immature and stupid (these 2 words, along with rash and shalllow are words you have to get used to in this blog). But really, I wanted her to just hang up so we could focus on my game. On ME and something I did right.

Didn't happen. She was on the phone for about an hour and 15 mins, after the boys had gone to bed and Third Watch started on TV.

It really bothers me that I was that upset about it. I've never been jealous of my sister much before. I've always thought she was a better version of me, but it didn't compromise me. She was in a different school, had different friends. I got envious, ocassionally, but I knew I got alot more attention on a regular basis, mom thinks I play the piano better, but nice as it is, it's not true, Su's MUCH better at playing by ear. I got better grades in school, although eventually she caught up and got the exact same results as I did for our final goverment exam. She did have to work VERY hard though - and I never studied. Nor did my homework.

She had gymnastics, and sports. Something I never have done in my life. By choosing not to pursue that, it was easy for me to be glad that my parents were proud of her too. Knowing that I would never have to compete with her in that aspect nor even be expected to.

Remember her being called as the YW President? That was the biggest issue I'd ever had with her. Till now, I've never brought it up with her. Not even sure anyone else noticed.

I talked to Su the other day, and I was fine. Between me and her, things are ok. But for some reason, when other people get involved, I just turn into this huge green-eyed monster.

I think it's because I just don't like sharing. I don't like sharing her, or my parents, or my friends in college.

I remember back when I wasn't sure if I'd make it for the Winter, I would worry about it. Once, I broke down and explained to my mom that I really didn't want Su to go there without me. Because that was MY school. And those were MY friends. I still don't want to go back there and be the new kid.

Mom tried to explain to me how stupid that was. I already knew that. Why else would I be crying? You see, the whole problem is not being jealous of Su. It's me, being upset with myself for letting something so trivial get to me. Oh great, I can always use one more weakness.

It still scares me. I'm afraid that Su will fit in so well that I will be generally known as Su's sister. I thought about that some. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm the eldest. My sister has always been known as my sister. I wonder how she deals with it. Serves me right. My turn to be in her shoes.

I'm still wondering if my friends will decide that they like her better. Don't try to tell me they won't. I'll still worry.

Still. Wrong or right or natural, or whatever, no matter how dumb this whole ordeal is, it's very real to me. And I hate it. I thought I was beyond this. There are few things I care enough about to become jealous. And my social status being one of them just makes me think alot less of myself.

I love my sister. I'm glad she has friends. She's done nothing but tread lightly around me and make sure I know she loves me. But somehow, that just make me even more angry. I'd really like for her to show some kind of weakness. Like I hope she gets really bad grades. Or a boyfriend that will screw her up. But really, I'll have to face the fact that she'll do much better with the opportunity she's been given than I have. The only thing I can really do is follow her example and change.

Su will always look up to me. Which makes her even more disappointed when she see's all the weaknesses that I have.

If it's attention I want, how come I'd very much rather have Su home and my parents fussing over her while I go far away and screw up my life on my own than to be around parents who are trying to fix me?

Sibbling rivalry. I never thought I'd be a victim.

Brace yourself for more from the drama queen

Feel sorry for my past boyfriends already? I know I do. Sheesh. And I used to hate those mellodramatic girls who made life difficult for my guy friends.

Ok, where were we? Oh. This morning. Wow. I had a good sleep. Slept from like 9pm right through to 6am when I had to get up. Sweet huh? Oh man, I was so awake! Won't happen tonight now that it's already 2am. lol. Since I slept right through last night, I should just stay up through tonight to even it out some, huh?

Anyway, I dreamt. All I can remember now was that I had an argument with Mark in my dream. I felt horribly sorry.

Strangely, everything from last night carried over to the morning. Doesn't usually happen. I suppose the dream didn't help.

So I went to work, determined not to contact Mark unless he spoke first because I felt so embarassed and didn't know what to say to him.

At the office, I got something in the mail - from Cody and Charlene Day. Cody is someone my dad used to work with and he'd come over for dinner alot. We loved him to death. I always secretly thought of how great it would be to marry him. I knew what it was in the letter, but I still cried when I opened it. *sigh* Wedding announcement. They just got married in the Hawaiian temple. Ironically on Jared's and my anniversary. Su got to be at the reception - I wanted to be there - he has a couple of single brothers left! lol!

I didn't cry because it was Cody. No, it had nothing to do with that. Cody has been single for FOREVER now, and we've all been anxious to get him married. I liked him but he's a little old for me. Hehe.

No. I cried because I looked at their picture. And they just looked so incredibly happy. I remember when I could almost see a picture of me and my boyfriend up on the bulletin board with wedding announcements on it. I'm jealous. I've always wanted to be married. I still do. I know I'm not ready for it quite yet - too many issues to smoothen out first. But my friend Elaine (she's my age) - we both swore we wouldn't get married until after missions - she just got engaged. Some guy she met at BYU. Of course. BYU. I'm really excited for her, I am. But it just feels like people are moving on without me. They're in school now and I'm still here "working" for my dad.

I miss having a relationship, of course. But I don't want a boyfriend. I want something to last me. Someone I can turn to instead of this blog. No offense, I love you, but I can't have sex with a blog you know. Plus, I doubt you'd make a great dad for our kids - if by some miracle we could conceive any! I like the idea of a marriage. I'd like that alot. But really, until I outgrow all these childish feelings that I tell you about everyday, getting married would be a big mistake.

So there I was, crying - first thing in the morning over someone happy occasion of a lifetime. I was about to open my blog so I'd have someone to talk to. And then,Mark, your timing has never been more perfect. I really really needed someone to cheer me up then, and you came online.

We talked some things out. Cried some more. We keep talking about REALLY breaking up. It felt like it today for a while. Wonder when we'll start really acting like it. Later today when I got home I called him, and we couldn't hear each other. His voice would crack on the line and he couldn't make out what I was saying. But even after deciding to hang up because we were getting nothing, we just held on to the line listening to silence.

Just so we could have someone there on the other line.

It's hard to let go sometimes isn't it?

Without really knowing where to go from here, I keep falling back on my past. I don't want to think of Mark as my past. We try to convince ourselves that we can still be friends. Yeah. Sure. I've tried that so many times. I should know.

As dad said in his lecture at work today - pain refines us. Without it, we'll get nowhere. He's right. But I'm still going to look forward to seeing Mark again in Hawaii. And I'm still going to look for him when I go online. And I will always be disappointed if he's not there. And I'm going to keep his pictures by my bedside for a while so it won't feel lonely when I look over to check the time.

The only comfort I get is that I won't be the only one. I do want what's best for Mark, and for him to be happy. But in my selfish weak moments, I'm glad I don't suffer alone.

*sigh* It's going to take a while.

WARNING: Boring, self-pitying blog - do not be deceived.

Yesterday was a great day. They released Sister Archibald as the YW President and my mom as the counselor, then had my mom and I sustained. A brother just passed away at the end of last year, we released him as the district counselor, and DAD got called in his place. He's telling everyone how he's replacing the dead.

It was just really interesting how the branch business consisted of sustaining 3 Chongs. In YWs, it's really confusing - there are TWO sister Chongs now. I'd rather them call me Faye though. Melody and Tiff were in Young Women's with me - so they are more like my friends.

I found out yesterday also that they were transfering my sisters to Singapore. *sob* They've been here forever though. Sister Cesarini (Krista) has been here a whole year! No kidding. Sister Henly (Kerrin - she has a COOL Manchester accent!) would've been here 9-10 months. I'm really going to miss them.

They made my stay here meaningful, asking me out on exchanges all the time, and gave me a hand in the missionary work they were doing. They were my friends. It made staying here for another semester look less bleak. I told them the reason they stayed so long was for me. To keep me company and give me some service to do. I will miss them so much. I hope they will go to BYUH like I've been pounding into their brains. They'd do SO well!

Highlight of my Sunday? Sunday school!!! I haven't been there since I got called into nursery. It's the first class I've been in since college. No kidding. It was nice. *sigh* I miss school.

I sat next to mom. She looked really nice yesterday with her hair up and a chinese traditional blouse on. You know, my dad's lucky. Alot of women her age just start aging. My mom is COOL. She is also extremely spiritual. I guess the good Fei, I inherit from my mom. She's incredible! She knows so much and has so much insight. Serving with her in the YW is really going to bring us closer together.

I joined the YW today. I'm stil PUMPED about my calling! lol. Han commented that the YW are getting a new girl. Got THAT right! I'm going to plan all the activities I wanted to do before. Pres. Whittaker said that in the youth, they need a motherly figure and someone cool for leaders - guess which part I get to take?! Mom says it's time to make up for when they pulled me out of YW early to serve in the nursery. I guess it sorta is. Better even. I'm SO excited!

I can see how we're going to struggle though. We have 3 Young Women right now - Melody is the oldest, she will be 16 this year. She was semi active, and I hope that she'll remain active even though her best friend in church Jenny Orgill has moved to France.

Tiffany is 15 this year. She's a really nice girl, but she is a little not quite there. A real ditz. The kind that love to roll their head. She's the average teenage girl, loves any band that's "in". The Young Men just hate her. Maybe she's just a little immature. Whatever it is, she LOVES me to death, clings to my arm after church everyday - stopped by Nursery and used our bathroom every week. I hope I can be a positive influence.

Our youngest and newest Young Women is Rachel, our Bishop's only daughter and Eli's sister. Her last teacher was Su. I have alot to live up to. Rachel is Chinese, she was adopted by the Whitakers when they were in China. She is a special girl. We will struggle with our lessons because she is not quite her age. I'm not sure how much she will get out of our lessons and mom and I are worried that Melody will be frustrated because we will have to slow our pace down.

Mom and I both feel that we should ask Tiffany to be the new YW class president. It's not the first time I've thought about it. She needs a chance to be responsible and think of the other young women. I think she will really live up to the position. But I'm really worried about Melody, and how she would feel if we called Tiffany instead of her.

I know these are trivial things, but dumb as it sounds, I struggled with that. My sister was called as the class president almost as soon as she joined the Young Women. I had been there for a year and a half already. It was a great opportunity for her, and she was perfect - she's very responsible. But that didn't make me any less jealous.

She asked me to be her counsellor. I served as a counsellor twice in the YW class presidency but never as the president. They went by age for a while, and before it got to my turn, I got called to the primary. I am very ashamed that I put alot of importance on that, but I think in alot of ways, it still bothers me. I push it aside because I know it's stupid and wrong, but it's really part of a bigger issue.

*long sigh*

Highlight of my day #2, I got to talk to J-Bo yesterday. And J.Monson - or is that Jessica M.? Yeah, gotta keep her annonymous since Jared did. She sounds cool. I noticed how I call the US so much. It's like no big deal to me and about the only phonecalls I ever make! I had an internet boyfriend before, but I'd never met him and where he lived is still a mystery to me - I've never been there, so no mental image. But BYUH is home. And I don't think I realize how far away it is because it's so near to me in my heart.

Oh, great news. My mom told me that they talked to the Admissions board to confirm my enrollment in the Spring. For some strange reason, I'm not jumping up and down like I did before. I mean it's great news. It's my parent's way of saying "Here, we're going to let you go." Truth is, I'm terrified that I'm going to mess it up again. Last time I was on cloud number 9, guess what, I'm still here.

So yeah, I got to talk to J-Bo yesterday. He seems in a slump. But then again, when has he not been. Maybe it's just when I call. It's ok. I try not to do it often.

Then I got to talk to Mark. *sigh* I think he feels a little neglected, a little envious. He always has been when I talk to Jared. And the fact that we've broken up and that we have to try to talk less doesn't make it easier on either of us.

We have been struggling. Stupid how we're still trying to make our relationship work even after breaking up huh? I was frustrated last night because he wouldn't tell me what was bothering him... to be honest, I must've just been in a mellodramatic mood - like the one I've been in all day. Anyway, I sent him to bed and disconnected without saying bye. I know, I know. I'm a girl, I do stupid emotional stuff like that. I admit it was really dumb. But you know how when you're hurt, you tend to want to hurt others too? Maybe it's just me.

Anyway, I went back to my room. Read through my lesson "Obeying the Commandments Helps Us Fulfill Our Divine Roles" and cried myself asleep with my contacts on.

Great blog material. lol. Sorry. More self-pitying things to say. Tell you what, I'm calling a recess.

To be continued...

Wait, I'm not done yet!

Adam and Eve, you rock my world man! (And woman)

And the award goes to...

Do I win something for being the most long-winded bloggie ever?

Oh, how about incredibly bored fans?

First, I'd like to thank MYSELF for being so melodramatic! And then my ex-boyfriends, Matt, Jared and Mark, for giving me so much drama I have so much to write about. This one goes out to you! And then my parents, of course! Thank you for making me this way... and my grandparents... without you guys, I wouldn't have those parents... and then of course there are my great grandparents and my great great grandparents and my great great great....

When you wish upon a blog...

Oooh! It's 12:34am! Quick! Make a wish!!!

Wow. That last blog looks A LOT longer than I thought it would be! Sorry you guys. I suppose the narrow margin doesn't really help much either. Hehe.

I've had a great day. I got to talk to Mark some today. My poor baby. He's worry about me - and that makes me worried about him. I suppose reading my old blogs made him miss me more. Or at least express it. My mom always asks me what I mean by "breaking up". "Why are you still talking to Jared? I thought you broke up already?" "Are you sure you broke up with Mark? You still talk everyday"

To be honest, I don't know! lol! I mean. Besides not saying "I love you" anymore... and that isn't always the case, what? We still talk. We still try to tell each other how we feel. Sometimes we still kiss. We just stop holding hands and try to get used to the idea of not dating anymore even though one or both are thinking about getting back together.

No wonder I have such messy relationships, huh? You mean to say I've been going about it all wrong this whole time?!

Today, I got a 9k email from Jared. I love it when he writes me. He's so unpredicatable. And I love surprises. He wished me happy anniversary. *sigh* A year ago was when we first met - I sat by him in the cafeteria since he was sitting alone and I recognized him as the funny new guy cracking jokes down the row from me at a performance in the school auditorium. (I met Mark that way too - minus the performance and the recognizing him part. I just thought "cute guy, sitting alone? Heheheh") I asked Jared to come join me in my ward's capture the flag and s'mores by a campfire on the beach activity that night. And he did. He brought Wendy and Megan along with him too. We got put in different teams and he traded with someone so he could be with me. He was embarassed about it for a while later, but I was glad. I wanted him to be on my team too! It all worked out in the end. If that counts. lol. Look where we are now?

Wrong to celebrate an anniversary when you're not dating? Well, I don't call this celebrating. By the way, Jared, I didn't forget, I just thought I could ignore it. What are we going to do about the first kiss anniversary and the "I love you" anniversary. Oh how about the break up one? Heh, remember Valentines day? I still have the cute puppy valentine somewhere.

You know, I'm glad I know Jared. Not because we dated. Although dating him was a great expressway to getting to know him really well. And I don't regret it. I don't regret breaking up either. So, heck, I don't care if you think it's wrong when I celebrate the day I made a great friend.

Hey, in "Just Shoot Me", Nina and Jack celebrate their anniversary - the day they met - by doing the same things they did that day. So, hows about lunch and capture the flag later 6,000 miles apart? Try doing the OTHER anniversaries... hehehehe.

Jared said in his e-mail that read all my blogs (which is why I went over them too myself today) and he commented on some. Don't worry, since you're not a total stranger like Matt is, I won't publish details word for word or anything.

He now dislikes Matt even more. And that's saying alot. He's always hated Matt. Y'all probably do some now too. I guess I sort of made a mistake in posting that. That wasn't the intention! To be fair, I used him. I kept him around for my personal emotional needs while I was dating other people. I even borrowed money from him to go visit Jared! What kind of girl does that? He never was that cold to me before, and he is now, but only in self defense. Cut the guy some slack ok? I wish he didn't treat me like that, but whether I deserve it or not, I'm going to stick up for him. Always. Like I'll stick up for Mark and Jared and Chris. They're my friends - whether I am theirs or not. And that's what any good friend would do.

Don't worry, it's not like I have to put up with a so-called jerk everyday of my life. (Unless you count my dad in. Ok, that was mean, I take it back. Sorry) I seek Matt out and fully expect to get that. Don't misjudge him, ok?

So I went to the Andrews' today. Spent 4 hours organizing their music CDs and their computer games. Still have some loose ends to tie up. I was hired to do that before supposedly leaving for HI. I was supposed to finish up on the day my parents yelled at me all day and I got grounded from school. What a day that was. After that, I was so embarassed I didn't want to go back. I did today though, and it sure feels good to get something accomplished.

I came home and my whole family was out watching a gymnastic performance. I had lamb chop stew for dinner...ooh the best kind! And when I had just dished out my second helping, my family came home - with PIZZA! Argh! I shouldn't have told them that my dinner was taken care of. I had one slice - my brothers weren't too happy. They eat so much now.

Tonight, my family watched a Jackie Chan movie together. It's one of the few things we ALL love. I love it when dad brings home a movie and we all watch it together. The Whitakers watched "Cheaper By The Dozen" on their date night and told us that we should watch it. They have 6 kids, we have 6 put them together and you get a zoo of 983247 animals. If I had money, I'd like to take my whole family to watch that. But RM80 for a movie we can only watch once? Uh. I'll wait for the DVD to come out on the street corner and get it for RM10 instead.

I know, I know. No need for a lecture on stealing copyright. I got it.

As of right now, I am holding a cup of strawberry soda with whipped cream in my hands. I just thought I'd do something impulsive and try it. It's REALLY good. Mmmm. I'm not a huge fan of strawberry soda, but I LOVE whipped cream. I'm glad I tried that. I can never go back to taking my soda straight anymore.

You know, alot of the best decisions I've made have been made suddenly on an impulse. That's why I have bangs now. I got up one morning and thought bangs would go with my Asian school girl look - so I cut it. Jared got to see me do it over the cam. I also have curly hair now because I decided it was time for a drastic change. And one time, I went to another salon immediately after trimming my long hair because I decided I didn't like that it didn't change how I looked and got like 15 inches of it chopped off. Ok, so the most impulsive ones have been tied to my hair. Not that I'm the one to judge if those were good decisions, but I haven't regretted a single one.

Ooh, the best part about my soda with whipped cream? The foam... mmmm. I love bubbles. That's the only cool thing about an ice cream float. I also love to try to drink my soda when it's all frizzy and bubbly and little particles of water jump out at you from the glass.

When I was little, I'd take forever to do the dishes for my mom because I'd play with the detergent and blow as big a bubble as I could, hold it in 2 hands and look at the rainbows changing color in my "crystal ball". In the shower, I make a bubble in each hand and merge them by banging them together and see how big I could get it by doing it over and over until it burst. I also remember now how Su and I used to pretend we were fairy princess. While we were taking a shower together (NO! Bad sicko, bad!) we would make ourselves little tiaras with bubbles. Bubbles were like our fairy dust. Magical. Maybe that's why I love bubbles so much. They are magical - they bring me back to my carefree childhood days.

Yeah you can add that to the list of foofy girl things I love. Butterflies, rainbows, flowers and bubbles.

Edible bubbles? Even better!!!

Oh man! This one turned out SO much longer than I thought it would. They always do. I like reading long blogs though. Ones that really say how someone feels. Funny ones are great, too. I wish I could do more of those. Like Jared's. Or Wendy's random ones, and the bubbly ones (DId I tell you how much I just love bubbles???!!!) that Steph wrote.

To be honest though, I prefered reading J-Bo's better when he kavetched. I know too many people read his now to make it a real journal type thing. But I don't read blogs to have a good laugh. I read them to see what I can learn from someone's experience, or to have a good thoughtful moment. And maybe feel sorry for someone else so I don't throw my own pity party.

Man, Jared has his own blog fan club going. So does Amy. Well, she does have those that hate email her their nasty two-cents for some reason too. What about me fellas?! Ok. At the risk of sounding desperate - my emails is fei_min@hotmail.com I wonder if any perfect strangers read this. I think that would be TOO cool. So far, I know of only 2 people that read this. Mark and Jared. And it's because I asked them to. loL. Like I said, I didn't mean for this all to go up in this air after all huh? I like to think that what I say makes a difference. So, feedback, yo, feedback!

I'd like Amy to read this too. I haven't emailed her in forever. And she has been posting less and less on her blogs. I worry for her. I should write her, but it gets so late when I'm done with these humongous hecka long blogs I have to go to bed. Maybe I should say what I have to say quicker instead of wasting YOUR time, huh?

Ok. Ok. It's way past bedtime. Mom and dad only let me stay up on the computer because I tell them this is my journal. Which is true. You are my journal. The best part is, because other people read this, I put in some fun details too, things that I wouldn't write otherwise to myself. It makes it more complete. And not as sad and depressed as a written journal would be (I only write when something is wrong and I have no one else to tell)

One day, I'll look back and read this and I'll laugh and cry with the dear, confused, troubled teenager that used to be me.

You, blog, my friend, are the legacy I leave for myself.